Out of the fog ... now very angry

[orders4946]

I have posted here before as I continue my journey towards a turning point in my marriage.

My wife is undiagnosed but displays many BPD traits.  In fairness those have gradually subsided over recent years but it is hard to establish whether that is a result of my changing behaviour (to avoid triggers) or whether the traits have become less pronounced.

In any event, my wife crossed a boundary regarding my mother just after Christmas.  For want of a better expression something ‘snapped’ within me after that.  I have made concrete plans to leave (signing up for a separate apartment) and I have become extremely angry and resentful towards my wife – these feelings have smothered any love I have/had for her.

It is like a lightbulb has switched on and I will no longer tolerate my wife’s behaviour.  I am finding it difficult to control my anger and it feels like it is seeping out of me – maybe because I have suppressed these feelings for so long and because I am angry over the lost years with my FOO (and the fact they barely know my toddler-aged children because of my wife).

Can anyone relate to how I am feeling?  What became of those feelings?  Will my love come back once I have expressed my anger, or am I on a path towards separation?

[Cat Familiar]

I’m not going to be much help about the suppressed anger because I experienced it for far too long. I do believe that it’s important to feel your feelings, but there is a fine line in recognizing what you’re feeling vs. amplifying those feelings.

Whether you’ll fall back in love with her is likely more due to how she behaves in the present, rather than how she behaved in the past.

[PeteWitsend]

...

Can anyone relate to how I am feeling?  What became of those feelings?  Will my love come back once I have expressed my anger, or am I on a path towards separation?

I can relate.  Though I'll say I think we all have emotions that fluctuate at times, so it's not unusual to feel better or worse about something depending on your mood at the moment.  

That being said, there were definitely a lot of times where uBPDxw ambushed me with fights when I wasn't expecting them... in the heat of the moment, I was focused on figuring out exactly what the heck I might have done, and how to resolve the fight.  Because of that, I wouldn't get angry until later, when I had some distance from the screaming & insanity to contemplate just how absurd her position was, and how mad I was that she did that to me again, and that I didn't do anything wrong in the first place!  

I've noticed I can make myself a lot more angry about uBPDxw's behavior during our marriage, if I want to.  So I'd echo Cat Familiar's comment & concern about amplifying your own feelings; be wary of doing that.  

On the other side of the coin, sometimes I felt I needed to "psych myself up" in order to be ready to deal with BPDxw.  So on occasion it's helpful to mentally remind myself of the unfairness, and openly insulting things she did, and the disrespect she showed my mom, and all the BS and fights BPDxw picked with others who were at work, while BPDxw sat at home and felt sorry for herself.  That "primes" me to not take anymore of her crap laying down.  

I think these are two ways to approach conflict with her that you need to think through.  And you need to decide for yourself whether you're thinking clearly when you feel a certain way, or whether you're bringing too much emotion into a matter.  

[ForeverDad]

I too recall the times I was caught off guard by my ex.  One time I went for a walk up and down the street pondering all the ways I could have handled it better.  Problem is, that's a skill many pwBPD have developed over many years, how to surprise us from out in left field, so to speak, and sidetrack us while we're befuddled on what to do or say.

Being proactive is a good stance.  I recall the many times I was caught off guard and in the moment I had no response to my now-ex's demands and proclamations.  Then minutes or hours later I came up with possibly better responses.  Little by little I learned how to deal with these crisis moments.  One way was to take a few moments (or hours or longer) to ponder what had happened, what alternatives you have and then voice them more confidently or firmly.  There's nothing wrong with stating you need some time to ponder the matter.  (It's just hard when you have a ranting and raging spouse demanding whatever Right Now.)

[orders4946]

Thanks very much for your replies everyone.

It is certainly food for thought, the advice about amplification is insightful. On reflection I probably have been amplifying my anger recently but I suppose I may have subconsciously been using it to help drive my motivation to leave. When I see her vulnerable side I find it very difficult to resist taking care of her as I instinctively feel that I can take away her pain by accepting her apologies.

It is such a conundrum. I can’t reconcile this sweet vulnerable person with the person who has subtly isolated me from friends and my FOO and shown many instances of coercive control and abusive anger.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve noticed that the *sweet, vulnerable person* is often a skillful mask for effective manipulation. Perhaps not always, but definitely sometimes.

[PeteWitsend]

I’ve noticed that the *sweet, vulnerable person* is often a skillful mask for effective manipulation. Perhaps not always, but definitely sometimes.

Bingo. 

By the end of my marriage, I had endured enough tearful breakdowns that were clearly calculated that I felt no more feelings for her when she'd cry than I would for an actor who could cry on cue. 

[ForeverDad]

Bingo too.

Toward the end my ex had been tempting me with hints of intimacy later in the day but by then something always had happened to spoil it.  Then these was the time she was going away to a workshop but feared staying in a motel, they're all so dangerous and she'd get attacked.  Well, immediately after intimacy she got up and said, Now you'll have to travel with me.  I didn't.  The marriage imploded within a month.

[BigOof]

Anger is a useful emotion. It drives you to make changes. What your experiencing is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Harness it, my friend.

[Mack1]

I’m with you mate. Let the anger build so you never think about giving it another shot. I’m in a in-house split just now waiting on the sale of the house. Just trying to be calm and agree with her delusional thinking that it’s all your fault and she’s better off without you to find the true happiness she deserves, since we’ve never been able to provide it.
I’m angry at myself for giving her another chance 11 years ago, but I’d never heard off BPD then so I can excuse the weak, self-pitying cabbage I became then. Now, there is no chance I’ll let her control my emotions.
It might be hard, but only YOU matter now. Remember that.

[maxsterling]

I can relate here.  My issue is that there are a few "line crossing" things that are difficult to move past without some kind of acknowledgement that they were wrong and hurtful (and accept responsibility).  As the years go on things get harder and harder to move past - even smaller things - because they are seen in the overall framework of a pattern. 

In the case of my W, I am realizing that many of the things she has said or done she doesn't remember.  That's no excuse - but I think most of it comes from her own anger response in an almost self defense way (even though there is nothing to defend against - she feels that there is).

I don't think you can expect to move past this without some kind of counseling for yourself, and possibly as a couple.

[globalnomad]

Just wanted to say I relate to this 100%. Just posted about my own version of this - an incident that has triggered enormous anger and resentment within me and a sense that I can no longer go on. Perhaps it is all the repressed hurt we have bottled up over the years?