Hello everyone, it's been a while
I'm posting on this thread because though I'm still with my bfwBPD I'm working hard on my way out of it.
I read "Stop caretaking the borderline" recently, I
strongly suggest that to everyone who, like me, is/was struggling with facing reality and hoping that things will change just because of our love and dedication. It's such a powerful book, straightforward, maybe a bit harsh sometimes, but it speaks facts without sugarcoating them and gives you the chance to reflect on your relationship so that you'll draw conclusions yourself.
It gave me such a strong insight that my approach to this relationship completely changed.
My mind sometimes still stops me from accepting how things really are, it goes into this numb/foggy state where I can't remember a single thought I was having 2 seconds before (it's doing it right now), but it's less frequent now.
Writing right now is really hard and I can't express things the way I wanted to, so I'm a bit frustrated.
One month ago, after reading the book, I asked my pwBPD to take a break for 10 days, no meeting, no talking, no texting. I wanted to dedicate 100% of my time and energy to my needs and hobbies without feeling the responsibility of being a caretaker and postponing my needs for him. I told him I just needed some "me" time, it wasn't a breakup.
And man, it felt so GOOD and RIGHT. I don't even know how to describe it.
At first I was just drowning in FOG, but after 4-5 days I felt so empowered, so excited, so hopeful for my future, so confident in my own skills, I looked at my body and for the first time after soo long, I kinda liked it! I remembered all the things I used to like, how much I enjoyed being alive, and how much I liked taking care of myself and sharing time with my friends.
It felt like I was having an epiphany, suddenly something clicked.
It felt like I found myself again, some girl that I thought was long lost, it was me again, I now remember who I am and I won't let anyone manipulate me into forgetting it again.
It feels so different from before, it's like I have a really close friend I can trust now, me.
I'm still fighting depression and anxiety and FOG, but, unlike before, now I know that the feelings I have are temporary, and that the ME I found is still there waiting for me. Now I can clearly see the ways I've been wronged, how I allowed my pwBPD to annihilate my identity, how I partecipated in this toxic dance without standing up for my feelings.
I was reading through my old posts earlier and I saw at some point I wrote this:
-"When I think about my future I don't see anything, it's just darkness; whenever I'm about to put some actual effort into something there's a loud voice in my head telling me that it's not worth it cause I'm going to die soon anyway.
...if I had to die tomorrow, or in one hour or in one minute, I honestly wouldn't bat an eye and probably just breath a sigh of relief."-
I was surprised to find that I don't identify in these words anymore, that although I'm not fine yet, I'm slowly -but constantly- getting better.
I really want to thank this amazing community, it really is what made me stick to reality, together with that book.
For you who are reading this, I want to tell you that there's really hope. You may feel trapped and lost, but things will change, things are going to be better.
