How can I create boundaries kindly.?

[Penlee]

I have been with my husband for 16 years. After finding out that he had a secret substance abuse with hard drugs/opioids for most of those years which he was doing behind my back (I don't do drugs so I never knew what to look for.. he said he covered it up by drinking to look drunk) and caused him to emotionally cheat on me 3 yrs ago, my husband went through addictions counseling and private therapy.
 
The only reason why he did this was because I told him I was leaving him and he cried and convinced me to stay and that he was going to get help. At this time I was vulnerable and didn't really know that he was being manipulative for fear of abandonment. I believe that he went through the program and therapy to appease me and make it look like he was working on our marriage.

His therapist referred him to a psychiatrist because he suspected my husband of having BPD. He has been officially diagnosed 2 years ago and we are working on trust in our marriage again. For the first year after I found out about his betrayal it was very hard for me to feel kind towards him and his condition. I was still hurt and going through my own pain and I know that I hurt him with my words as well especially when I found new information little by little bc of his lack of transparency.

Today my husband is on medication as well as doing group DBT which is on zoom. Of It has been over a year of him doing this program but he feels that it's not helping and I believe it is because he is not taking it seriously or still in denial of his condition. He doesn't do the workbooks but will promise me all the time that he is going to do it with no actions to show.

What I have trouble with still is my husband's impulsive behavior still persists and will sometimes lie to me to hide his betrayal even though they are small. For example we had an agreement that he would only smoke cannabis on the weekend and not during weekdays because of work and his DBT and therapy are during the weekdays as well and I preferred that he not be high on cannabis while doing those programs. He agreed to this arrangement as he says it was reasonable for me to ask of him. He not only broke that arrangement but he smoked cannabis before coming home to work so not only was he doing it behind my back but he was doing it recklessly even though he thinks that it's fine to drive after smoking cannabis. When he got home he looked like he was high so I asked him if he smoked cannabis after work and at first he lied and said no, and after a few minutes of me being quiet I slowly asked him again if he did cannabis and I would appreciate that he told the truth. He then saw that I already knew the truth so he admitted that he did smoke cannabis and that he "was sorry and he knew that he shouldn't have and he doesn't know why he did it."

With his background in substance abuse I didn't feel it was healthy for him to smoke cannabis to help with his depression and anxiety and overall the feeling of emptiness. He believes that it helps him get through his day especially when he is feeling bad. I would prefer if he worked on his core issues with private therapy since he does have suicide ideations or just the overall feeling of "not being here anymore" sometimes. Although I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do like give up cannabis. I know that my request will be met with resistance and even resentment so I am trying to be patient and Hope that he is more open someday to being serious about his therapy and program.

After over a decade of constant lying and manipulation tactics to get his own way or to avoid taking accountability for his actions it's sometimes very hard for me to keep calm when he's repeating the same thing over and over. At some point in our marriage I felt like I was going insane and I felt crazy trying to let him see how I felt and how his actions were affecting me emotionally. He refused to believe that he was doing anything to hurt me and that I am in fact the one with the problem because I was yelling at him and not talking calmly. Although I would always try to start being calm when we had discussions but he would constantly tell me that something that did happen didn't happen or that something he said wasn't said. The only times he would admit to what he said or did was when I would go through the situation or the conversation to the detail and even verbatim just so I could show him that it did happen or it was said. This led to me feeling so lost and feeling like I was going crazy for trying to make him understand my view and having to repeat myself over and over only for him to try to twist my words or to make me feel like I'm overreacting.

How do I create boundaries and be strong enough to keep those boundaries and to show him kindly that there is consequences to not respecting my boundaries without letting him convince me to forgive him easily and believe that he won't do it again. I believe that every time he convinces me to forgive him easily and believe that he's not going to do it again encourages the same destructive behavior of being impulsive and lying and I want to find a way to break that pattern in a healthy manner.

I do love my husband and I know that he's a kind person as I see him help others all the time, I do want to understand him but at the same time I don't want to stop loving myself and respecting myself. I especially don't want to lose myself and feel like my life is just to help him. I don't want to make excuses for his actions because of his condition, and I am looking into therapy that specializes in BPD. I just want to know how to keep my boundaries without making him feel like I am attacking him or judging him but at the same time I want him to know that I am no longer a pushover and that he can no longer manipulate me into letting him and his hurtful actions go.

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You cannot control someone else’s behavior with boundaries. You can only control how you respond to what he’s doing.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

If you don’t want to be around someone who uses cannabis or alcohol, about the only thing you can do boundary-wise is to leave, perhaps go stay with a friend or get a hotel room.

Same with the DBT homework. You cannot make him do that if he is unwilling.

It takes a lot of work for people with BPD to change their default patterns and many are much more inclined to use substances to try and make themselves feel better. Since those with BPD feel self loathing as a regular condition, confronting their internal demons can be very uncomfortable, and they’d much rather self-medicate with drugs in order not to do so.

[alterK]

Many people with BPD function well in relationships at work or with strangers, where they don't feel threatened. In close relationships they feel much more vulnerable, and generally feel they are functioning at the limit of their ability to cope. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs is common, because they consider there is no other way to deal with their anxiety/stress/depression/fear.

Cat is correct. Boundaries are, fundamentally, for you, not your partner. You can only change your own thoughts and behaviors (hard enough!). You can tell someone, "If you do A, I will do B," and hope they may eventually do less of A as a result, but at best that change will come slowly, if it comes at all.

If you are distressed when your H smokes pot, decide what you will do when he does it, not to stop him, but to protect yourself, give yourself relief, make yourself feel better. That might mean ending a conversation, leaving the room,  taking a walk, listening to music, petting the dog, whatever. That's if you want to stay married to him. If you are seriously considering leaving, there is a lot of good information on another of these boards.