the insidious "Do you love me?" question during a fight

[PeteWitsend]

Hey, I had some thoughts on this question, which always tripped me up when BPDxw would ask it, when I was like pushed to my breaking point, and "love" was the farthest thing from my mind.

Couple thoughts... I'm wondering what other people think, or whether you agree:

• I feel kinda guilty, honestly, when I get this question during a fight, because I'm thinking the most true answer at the moment would be "not right now"... but is that callous?  should the answer always be "yes"' if you're not already on your way out?
• it's a cheap way to deflect guilt and any responsibility for the conflict... if the person doesn't love you, well maybe it was okay to scream at them, threaten to leave them, criticize their parenting constantly, accuse them of cheating, etc.
• how would it be any different asking someone you're beating if they still love you, in between blows?  it's a bully move.  if you love me, you'll shut up and take it, instead of forcing me to respect boundaries here

I'm curious if other people got this question, and how they responded.

[NotAHero]

Hey, I had some thoughts on this question, which always tripped me up when BPDxw would ask it, when I was like pushed to my breaking point, and "love" was the farthest thing from my mind.

Couple thoughts... I'm wondering what other people think, or whether you agree:

• I feel kinda guilty, honestly, when I get this question during a fight, because I'm thinking the most true answer at the moment would be "not right now"... but is that callous?  should the answer always be "yes"' if you're not already on your way out?
• it's a cheap way to deflect guilt and any responsibility for the conflict... if the person doesn't love you, well maybe it was okay to scream at them, threaten to leave them, criticize their parenting constantly, accuse them of cheating, etc.
• how would it be any different asking someone you're beating if they still love you, in between blows?  it's a bully move.  if you love me, you'll shut up and take it, instead of forcing me to respect boundaries here

I'm curious if other people got this question, and how they responded.

 I don’t know the right answer but I know that at the end it wouldn’t matter anyway. When you are painted black there is nothing you can do to change that.

[PeteWitsend]

I don’t know the right answer but I know that at the end it wouldn’t matter anyway. When you are painted black there is nothing you can do to change that.

sorry, I should have been more clear with that question, and I ask it generally, in any relationship, not just with a pwBPD.

 What I meant to ask was "Assuming you're not on your way out, and you're still hoping for improvement... should the answer to the "do you love me?" question always be "yes," even if you're not feeling it in that moment because of something the other person did?"