Trying something new

[Riv3rW0lf]

I met with my therapist this morning and he had me tried what he calls : Mental Judo.

When he gave me this idea, I heard the little girl inside me laugh at it and I thought maybe it deserved one try.

He said : be the victim she wants you to be. Use that to guide you to low contact. Use all the depression she puts on you against her.

I had told him I felt stuck. I cannot quite gather the strength to  cut her off but want nothing to do with her. She is intrusive and toxic. I just want to hurt her, to empty my heart, but I can never do it, because I have too much compassion, all the while being terrorized. I don't want to empty my heart, show my vulnerability, because she will use it against me later on. It is dangerous to be honest with her. And as much as I value honesty, authenticy is dangerous with her. 

So he said : be what she wants you to be, and let HER guide you to wherever YOU want to go. Use her stage to plot the show.

And so I just wrote my mother: You know, you are right. I make your life hell. I am an ungrateful daughter and I hate myself for it. I am jealous and manipulative, and it must be hell for you to have to deal with me, after everything I did to you in November. It would be better for your own preservation to cut ties.

And I am laughing internally. My little RiverWolf is clapping, laughing her head off.

Being true result in pain, rejection... So let's play the game, but I will make sure I manipulate it this time. I am in charge of where the game is going now.

It is pay back time for the little RiverWolf. And all of it without even hurting her directly... Just using her own words against her. I. Am. Out.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Well.. she responded :

No I love you. Thank you so much. Take as much time as you need. I understand completely. Please send me some photos of the grandchildren, if you want. I love you, thank you so much.

And suddenly, she has no animosity. Just like that. At this point, I am fascinated... and unsure what to say next. But I will sure as hell "use all the time I need".

I don't want to send her pictures though... Should I? I don't want to get back in the fold. I feel like this did not go as planned.

Still laughing inside though. And surprised at how fast it all shifted. The fear of me leaving her to protect her made her sheep again. What if I left anyway?

Stuck again. Shoot. But at peace in a weird way. Seeing how .. unrational it all is... I cannot think rationally with her. Really strange.

So THIS is what she wants me to be. I just reread what I sent, and receiving some kind of approval for it leaves me speechless. Someone to be saved, someone who thinks they are worthless, the scapegoat, the one who takes all the blame and is left powerless... Seriously, this is so very weird ! I half expected her to know I was playing mind tricks with her, this was all so.. NOT ME... She did not. She is thanking me for calling myself a jealous manipulator. I broke my brain.

She doesn't love ME. She doesn't KNOW me. At. All.

[Goldcrest]

Riv3rW0lf I think I get where your therapist is coming from. This is kind of where I got to, a sort of surrender to no contact. I was saying, I'm done! Can't do this, you win, yes I am going to abandon you (her fear) because I simply can't be in our relationship anymore. Similarly my mother the first time I tried this came back all, loving and understanding. She played it as in, yes you need time and I understand. From then on, for me, she was hyper vigilant and I now know setting up the smear campaign as she obviously could see the writing was on the wall and I was close to walking.

Not sure what is going on with your mum but the craziness is part of what is so damaging for us (amongst everything else). What do you think will happen next?

[Notwendy]

I tried this recently. I didn't write to her. She keeps everything- copies of emails.

At the end of a visit, ( where I made an effort to do a lot of nice things for her) when I was saying goodbye, the only thing she said to me was how much I upset her. Not a thank you for anything I did. Not even "it was nice to see you". Just how much I upset her.

Emotionally, I just felt like what was the point, why should I try to visit when this is the result. She also was verbally hurtful and I was on the verge of tears around her during that time. Upset? well me too, but I can not say that to her. There's no point in that.

As you said, my mother doesn't know me. She sees her emotional interpretations of me. If I am nice to her, it doesn't register.

Sadly, she sees herself as victim.

So, I did something like your T suggested- I apologized for upsetting her, said I was so very sorry for that and kept saying I was sorry until she decided it was enough. I was sorry that my visit upset her, and actually sorry that my efforts to visit just didn't work the way I had hoped. I didn't expect anything from her, but also didn't expect that the sum of the visit would be that she felt that way.

So actually, it wasn't inauthentic. I was truly sorry. Sorry that she perceives my  intentions in a negative way.

You are right in that, when we go along with it, they then shift to being nicer. For me though, I don't trust "nice". She rarely says things like she loves me and I cringe when she does, because, I can't trust or believe it.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I tried this recently. I didn't write to her. She keeps everything- copies of emails.

At the end of a visit, ( where I made an effort to do a lot of nice things for her) when I was saying goodbye, the only thing she said to me was how much I upset her. Not a thank you for anything I did. Not even "it was nice to see you". Just how much I upset her.

Was she upset during the visit, or just when you were leaving?

Emotionally, I just felt like what was the point, why should I try to visit when this is the result. She also was verbally hurtful and I was on the verge of tears around her during that time. Upset? well me too, but I can not say that to her. There's no point in that.

As you said, my mother doesn't know me. She sees her emotional interpretations of me. If I am nice to her, it doesn't register.

Sadly, she sees herself as victim.

So, I did something like your T suggested- I apologized for upsetting her, said I was so very sorry for that and kept saying I was sorry until she decided it was enough. I was sorry that my visit upset her, and actually sorry that my efforts to visit just didn't work the way I had hoped. I didn't expect anything from her, but also didn't expect that the sum of the visit would be that she felt that way.

So actually, it wasn't inauthentic. I was truly sorry. Sorry that she perceives my  intentions in a negative way.

You are right in that, when we go along with it, they then shift to being nicer. For me though, I don't trust "nice". She rarely says things like she loves me and I cringe when she does, because, I can't trust or believe it.

Wholeheartedly agree with you, Notwendy. I also don't trust "nice" anymore, and that might have been what my T was going for (I am unsure) ...

Goldcrest and Notwendy,

I doubled down, and sent another message that said: "No, you say you love me but truly, how could you? I keep hurting you, I am such a bad daughter, ungrateful and difficult. With such a bad character. I should have tried more to change but I can see our relationship is broken, I hurt you too much. Even my gifts are inadequate (She returned her christmas gift to me via mail to hurt me). I need time."

I used everything she accused me of, all of her critics, to make myself look very depressed. Which I am not, I am mostly angry. But it was an interesting exercise. At the same time, it is not completely false, because like you, part of me truly feels this way; the "rejected exile" takes the mic on this one.

So, it goes beyond "I'm sorry", it's more of a: "you keep pushing me down, well let's see how you feel when I am truly down and unable to meet your needs because of how depressed I am now, because of all your critics that I now don't fight and truly believe."

It's breaking the Karpman Triangle by accepting the victim role that I NEVER want to take. I hate that role. Pisses me off. But if I don't take ANY role, I end up persecutor against even my own wishes. So, this is me embracing victim role, in a non-abusive manner, really. Because I am completely aware of it. Using her theater stage...

Anyway, I woke up this morning to 5 paragraphs of texts saying things like: You came from a world of suffering. I don't like that you are ungrateful but you have many other qualities. Stop beating yourself down... yada yada yada.
Interestingly enough, there still were a few bits and pisses there about my shortcomings. She says it is simple, she just wants news from her grandchildren. She loves them so much and was so happy to see them and me in November. And so... I see the manipulation like: "shoot, I hurt her so much now that I won't get to have news because she is too depressed!" And so she is trying to save and appease. Which is what I was going for: a break. And it is much easier for me to deal with "nice, savior" mom than with "hurt, helpless, critical" mom.

Like you Notwendy, I trust none of what she says, I carry too much baggage. She is all about control and manipulation. Not on purpose, she is constantly in survival mode, which sadly makes her very dangerous for my own emotional wellbeing. I want her to take responsibility for what she did and let happen to me, but she never will. I want to be angry, scream at her, but I can't, so I am using her own tools against her to lower contact in a somewhat gentle manner for her. Because she has no skin. It will be easier to let me go for her, if she thinks she has the nice/good role. Even though, she will never truly be able to let go. She is borderline after all, and fear abandonment and being alone above all.

I am not sure what my T was getting at with this exercise, but it turned out easier for me to see her nonsense when what she is saying is good, as opposed to critics. By switching her over "manipulatively", I can now clearly see that NOTHING she says is about me. She just reacts. She doesn't think. She feels. And in her messages, it is quite clear she is just talking about herself. Not me. Not my life. She is projecting her life on me and talking to herself.

[Notwendy]

The whole visit.

When I was there- she asked me to look through some documents she put in front of me and help her with them. In the pile of documents was a home equity loan she had taken out some time ago. I had no idea she did that and of course, I was concerned and asked her about it- out of concern for her. She doesn't manage money well and doesn't understand the consequences of this. She doesn't share her financial information with us. We have no clue what she does.

So then, according to her, "I upset her".

I had also planned a get together with her and some relatives and friends. We had not seen each other due to the pandemic. Now that the weather was nice and any vulnerable people had gotten vaccinated, getting together on the outside deck was an option. So, then she threatened to not go. I told her people would be disappointed. Then she called me an idiot.

BPD mother doesn't shop for food or cook. I got groceries and cooked a nice meal with lots of leftovers for her to eat later. I also provided the food for the get together and made sure she had food after I left. I also ran some errands for her. This is not a big deal, I don't mind doing this, I would gladly do it for her. I didn't expect her to mention it.

So I think how we "upset her" was finding out about the loan- and for her, that seems to be the sum of the visit. I just felt demoralized and also wondered if it made any difference to her that I did visit. Maybe she didn't want me to visit. I didn't visit because I expected anything from her. It just seemed like the right thing to do after not seeing her for a long time. I had made a point of visiting her more frequently before the pandemic, but she's elderly and it didn't feel safe to see her when Covid began, so I just assumed she'd want to see me. However, now I wonder if that was one sided on my part.

[lm1109]

This is really interesting. In a way...I suppose I sort of did this too... by not defending myself. I just chose to allow them to believe whatever it is that they believe about me. My husband urged me to forward the abusive email that my mom sent to me to my Dad, because he believes my Dad hasn't seen it. My response was "Why? He WANTS to believe her! That's what he has always chosen." By letting her "win" I could escape. She HAS to tell herself that it's all me to survive, and I'm no longer fighting against that, it was always a waste of energy.

She doesn't love ME. She doesn't KNOW me. At. All.

Right! I feel the same way. How could they...when they don't even love or know themselves?

I can now clearly see that NOTHING she says is about me. She just reacts. She doesn't think. She feels. And in her messages, it is quite clear she is just talking about herself. Not me. Not my life. She is projecting her life on me and talking to herself.

Exactly! I have found that so much of my internal struggles are actually just projections from two VERY sick people. The good news is...that's not my sh*t to carry! So I'm throwing it down now!

[Riv3rW0lf]

The whole visit.

When I was there- she asked me to look through some documents she put in front of me and help her with them. In the pile of documents was a home equity loan she had taken out some time ago. I had no idea she did that and of course, I was concerned and asked her about it- out of concern for her. She doesn't manage money well and doesn't understand the consequences of this. She doesn't share her financial information with us. We have no clue what she does.

So then, according to her, "I upset her".

From my current standpoint: you are thinking rationally...

This is our problem. We are rational, they are not. For all you know, she might have planted that and wanted you to find it and comment on it, to make you doubt, yet again.

My guess is, deep down, she knows you care and it scares her because of the possible abandonment. She knows her own shortcomings but cannot accept them, because they are a reminder of her emotional and rational limitations. She knows you want to help, and she uses that against you in a weird way to keep you guessing and keep you coming back. 

Might be off base here, but I am just starting to see just how IRrational they are. It's all twisted and distorted, all the time. They hurt us to keep us reacting, because as long as we react, we stay, we care. But they can't show love, not real love anyway... Because that would mean opening up, being vulnerable, and it is too painful for them, because they "know" we will leave them. How could we stay? They are ashamed of themselves, or their own emotional limits. It's all deeply unconscious, I think...

It is sad for them, but it creates havoc in our life which is why distance seems to be the only possible way forward. If one doesn't want to save themselves, we cannot let ourselves drown with them... To stay "around", we truly need to detach ourselves emotionally, which is hard to do, for us especially (their children), with them around, ironically.

I had also planned a get together with her and some relatives and friends. We had not seen each other due to the pandemic. Now that the weather was nice and any vulnerable people had gotten vaccinated, getting together on the outside deck was an option. So, then she threatened to not go. I told her people would be disappointed. Then she called me an idiot.

BPD mother doesn't shop for food or cook. I got groceries and cooked a nice meal with lots of leftovers for her to eat later. I also provided the food for the get together and made sure she had food after I left. I also ran some errands for her. This is not a big deal, I don't mind doing this, I would gladly do it for her. I didn't expect her to mention it.

So I think how we "upset her" was finding out about the loan- and for her, that seems to be the sum of the visit. I just felt demoralized and also wondered if it made any difference to her that I did visit. Maybe she didn't want me to visit. I didn't visit because I expected anything from her. It just seemed like the right thing to do after not seeing her for a long time. I had made a point of visiting her more frequently before the pandemic, but she's elderly and it didn't feel safe to see her when Covid began, so I just assumed she'd want to see me. However, now I wonder if that was one sided on my part.

It was never about us. That is what came out when I read my mother's texts.

No matter how nice you are, she will keep on triggering you, because it is their way of keeping us around.

My feeling tells me she was looking for drama, she needs you to be the bad one, so she can feel less guilty about everything she did herself. It just struck me that maybe she feels you are upset from all the baggage you carry (I sure know I am), and so she projects it on herself as a way to protect herself. YOU do not upset her. She is upset of facing you, her daughter, who is upset internally around her WITH REASON. She is upset to face what SHE created for herself. Nothing is about you TODAY, it is all about her OWN view of you today. She doesn't see you trying, she FEELS your pain (one that I understand), and it upsets her, because deep down, she knows she is to blame for it.

I've seen my mother do that, blame me for a tantrum that she literally just had, saying it was me screaming when I am sure I stayed calm... because I have a calm demeanor in general. I know I didn't raise my voice, I know she was the once screaming in my face... Yet somehow, one hour later, she says I am the one using her as an emotional punching bag and screaming. It is all about her. Always.

Nothing is about you. Everything is about her distorted worldview.

Like Goldcrest said: this distorted worldview is the reason they hurt us so badly growing up, left us divided within ourselves, with low self-esteem, not knowing who to turn to. To heal, I think we really have to remind ourselves constantly just how irrational they are. They just don't live in the same world we live in... It hurt, but detaching ourselves from their goods and bads might be the only way forward. Seeing them for what they are: giant toddlers.

[Notwendy]

You make a good point with how she sees me with regard to my feelings.

I don't think she planted the loan document there- I think she forgot about it as she did it a long time ago. She didn't tell us she did it. I think she got upset because we found out.

A similar incident is that she would go through our personal things. In the days before emails, we wrote letters and passed notes in class. I kept all these things in a drawer in my room. One day, I came home early from school- she didn't hear me come in. As usual, I went to my room, not expecting anything. I opened the door and saw her in my room, with the drawer open, reading all the notes. My natural response was surprise and yes, I was upset.  

She immediately went into Witch mode, raging at me. How dare I intrude on her, how dare I come home early ( class was excused ) and how somehow it was my fault that I walked in on her going through my stuff.

Same response to the loan. How dare I find out. It's not really my business what she does with her money/possessions,  except that- she has made her kids power of attorney in case of any emergency. So it would not be good to be unaware of a loan that needed to be paid if we were needed to assume that role. We have long since made it clear we are not interested in her house or her money but we are interested in her welfare. If we did have to assume some POA, we should at least have known about it. So yes, we were surprised and upset that we didn't know and that is somehow "our fault".

I don't know if she's aware of my feelings in terms of how I feel, but I do think she's aware of how they relate to her- and she can not consider they have anything to do with her. I think she does have some idea that it relates to her behavior but her denial/projection mechanisms won't allow that.

I don't really hold a grudge for what she has done. I know she's got a mental illness. When my father was ill and passed away,  I saw how affected she is with BPD.  She wanted to be hurtful and at a time when I was grieving and at some point, I recognized that she was unable to perceive who I am.

Hurt emotions are a trigger for my mother. She gets even angrier when she perceives them. She's very savvy at gaging the emotional climate of people around her- this is part of how she is able to manipulate, and she can mirror them. But I stopped sharing feelings with the hopes of repairing the relationship when I realized that doing this is futile. I think she can perceive that. I don't do it with intent to upset her. I think she feels there's less control on her part.

[Riv3rW0lf]

You make a good point with how she sees me with regard to my feelings.

I don't think she planted the loan document there- I think she forgot about it as she did it a long time ago. She didn't tell us she did it. I think she got upset because we found out.

A similar incident is that she would go through our personal things. In the days before emails, we wrote letters and passed notes in class. I kept all these things in a drawer in my room. One day, I came home early from school- she didn't hear me come in. As usual, I went to my room, not expecting anything. I opened the door and saw her in my room, with the drawer open, reading all the notes. My natural response was surprise and yes, I was upset.  

She immediately went into Witch mode, raging at me. How dare I intrude on her, how dare I come home early ( class was excused ) and how somehow it was my fault that I walked in on her going through my stuff.

It stands to reason that you were upset. I don't recall my mother going though my stuff, but I recall her asking to see some MSN discussions with my friends after she learnt I had been sexually assaulted by two boys at school by my brother.

I remember feeling deep down that she did not truly want to see it to go to the police, I felt she was just looking to sniff and put the blame on me somehow. Later on, she accused me of loving the experience.  Thinking back on it, maybe she was genuine at that moment, but I just didn't trust that she actually wanted to help, because I had this deep feeling that she was and would always be against me, and looking to hurt me.

We never bonded as a young child, so I was always on edge around her. I didn't let her see anything and before she could rage, I left to go downstairs, near my older brother. She never followed downstairs for some reasons...

It's terrible that you were never able to have any privacy. As a teenager, we need it so much. Mothers with BPD really can only offer a house, not a home.

Same response to the loan. How dare I find out. It's not really my business what she does with her money/possessions,  except that- she has made her kids power of attorney in case of any emergency. So it would not be good to be unaware of a loan that needed to be paid if we were needed to assume that role. We have long since made it clear we are not interested in her house or her money but we are interested in her welfare. If we did have to assume some POA, we should at least have known about it. So yes, we were surprised and upset that we didn't know and that is somehow "our fault".

She cannot own her mistakes... My mother either. She is never sorry. She cannot be. It would be admitting to a fault and she cannot withstand the shame that comes with it.

I don't know if she's aware of my feelings in terms of how I feel, but I do think she's aware of how they relate to her- and she can not consider they have anything to do with her. I think she does have some idea that it relates to her behavior but her denial/projection mechanisms won't allow that.

I don't really hold a grudge for what she has done. I know she's got a mental illness. When my father was ill and passed away,  I saw how affected she is with BPD.  She wanted to be hurtful and at a time when I was grieving and at some point, I recognized that she was unable to perceive who I am.

When I had my younger child, the same day, my dad had a heart attack and spent days in the hospital. I was a mess. And somehow, my mother would text me to guiltrip me about my older daughter feeling abandoned, putting even more on my plate. She would say: you must be overwhelmed with your dad in the hospital... But poor daughter, if I were in her place I would be so angry at you for bringing a new baby home.

Like, who says things like that? She was mad because she couldn't come help me out after I gave birth. My in-laws came.

And then in November, I wanted to visit my father because I hadn't seen him much  and I worried for him, he is still at 30% heart capacity. And when I came back from his house, she started telling me how she thought my step father had a heart attack too and how they did a EKG to him... I told her that if they didn't see anything, nor kept him, then he was probably fine. And I heard my stepfather say: what are you telling her? I didn't have a heartattack, this is silly.

Yet, my mother was dead serious.  Whispering about it in the kitchen.

And it hit me: she cannot stand to see me worry about someone else, being sad for someone else than her and whomever she wants me to be sad about. Because for her, love cannot be shared. If I love my dad and worry for him, then she has to somehow make up something to bring back my whole attention to her.

Maybe a bit like your mother hurting you at a moment when she should have been standing with you... But she couldn't stand to see you think and live something on your own, and about your father.  Seeing you react to your father's passing, it's sadness but it's also love, and she must have all of it...

My mother sees me loving my father as a trigger for her abandonment scheme and she has to regain control somehow.. by making up stories, or raging. All about control and being the central piece of our lives.

Hurt emotions are a trigger for my mother. She gets even angrier when she perceives them. She's very savvy at gaging the emotional climate of people around her- this is part of how she is able to manipulate, and she can mirror them. But I stopped sharing feelings with the hopes of repairing the relationship when I realized that doing this is futile. I think she can perceive that. I don't do it with intent to upset her. I think she feels there's less control on her part.

I am starting to realize my mother is very good in reading my body and face. More than I am. If I say something, even if it's nice and gentle, it's like she doesn't hear. She sees me standing straight (as a way to gain courage), my voice shaking a bit (which I try hard to calm) and she answers to that. She answers to what she sees and feels, not to what I say. And it is very hard to contain what I feel. I don't want to share my feelings, but 'the body keeps the score', and is always honest about it, it seems.

Do you think your mother might also "see you" as opposed to "hear you"?

I find it interesting that your mother answers poorly to hurt.

My mother answers very poorly to anger, and assertiveness. But pain, when we are hurt, she can play the savior, the one that is truly holding it together and she marvels in it. She wants us sad and lost, so she can feel better about herself.  Which is probably why she was physically abusive too. She needed us scared and powerless so she could be the strong one, in a sick twisted way.

I think my success in life triggers her. She hates that I can be assertive and she HAS to break me down when I show strength. She needs me weak. But truly, I don't feel weak... I succeeded despite all her attempts to break me, and she cannot stand my happiness.

[Notwendy]

BPD mother doesn't "help" or "save" others. If someone else is hurting or feeling bad, I think she sees it as something being taken from her. Her perspective is victim.

The most I have seen her do is an insincere "oh" and that's it. You don't come to her for any kind of consolation or support. She gets mean if you do. She doesn't seem to have empathy.

She can "read" people well, but that's in order to stay in control.

She can be really mean. How we react to that doesn't seem to phase her. Sometimes I wonder if she even enjoys it, if she's even on the sociopath spectrum. Not in a criminal way- she wouldn't do that - but she seems to enjoy saying mean things. But if we do anything she doesn't want, even if it's just to say "no" to something she then says she is so "terribly terribly hurt"

We don't have any bad intentions when we visit. We come to try to do something nice to her but if we have any boundaries to her verbal abuse or manipulations, her response is how much we upset her, how "terribly hurt" she is.

And that was part of my apology to her. We- her kids- made the effort to see her after a long time due to Covid.

We don't expect anything back- not a thank you, - or for her to even be nice or appreciative. We know not to expect it. So why the visit at all? Because it just seemed like the right thing to do- to go see a parent after a long time- and yet, the end result is that she felt hurt by the visit?

To me, that shakes my values. As difficult as my relationship is with her, I still think that to honor your parent is an important value. That has to be taken in context of our own emotional safety- so for some of us, "honoring a parent" may be to stay distant from an abusive parent so to avoid abusive interactions.

But I am not comfortable with the decision to not visit her at all. So after a long interval, when it seemed safer to visit, I decided to try.

But if the result of the visit is that she feels hurt, that isn't the intent and if my visits result in this, then I don't want to do that. So the apology was also a sort of resignation in a sense. If my visits cause her distress, then it may be better for me not to visit.  

Looking back, she didn't invite me to visit. And she hasn't asked me to visit again ( and I haven't ) although she has asked the golden child to visit. She does talk on the phone sometimes with me. But I wonder if maybe she doesn't want me to visit and it was just an assumption on my part.

[Riv3rW0lf]

It might very well be.

My mother doesn't want me to visit, she wants to see her grandchildren... I am quite aware of that difference now.

If you have more boundaries, if you hold yourself more than the golden child, then it is possible she doesn't like having you around as she might find it triggering?

My mother finds me triggering. She competes with me over everything, even if I am not competing, just being. It's always a competition. Who is better at this, or that. Ho you made a garden this year? Look at mine, it is grandiose! (But not in a sharing her joy way, more like a... I don't know, there is just always that vibe...) And the most sneaky, dangerous competition is always about love. She cannot share love. She has to win it, to be the most loved in the room, it's tiring.. But this is new from becoming a grandmother. She wasn't like that growing up, or at least it was not as obvious.

My mother will be covertly hurtful or mean to anyone that is holding it together and showing high self esteem. For example, if my stepfather tells me : Congratulations ! You got back to your pre-pregnancy weight, you look healthy. She will automatically say: I lost so much weight, I should give you my old clothes, they will fit you. And if you call her out on it as being hurtful, she rages and then makes some sort of excuses about how she meant it in a way that : you are proportional to your height...  All the while going to get the measuring tape to prove her point. It's just... Mind games to get you to doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself.

We have a Costco card. She used to have one and doesn't anynore. She goes, using the card of one of her friends. She realized I also had one now and later on, she said with disdain costsco if for rich people... Just a mind game to make you feel somehow bad about being successful. Also, I don't think Costco is for rich people, and I really like the Kirkland product, so she can bite me on this.

I think, right now, she is showing empathy to get to my kids. She is well aware that I will not be sending any pictures or giving her news when our relationship has a poor status, so she is doing her best to get it back on track by being empathetic.  It's not real love, nor real empathy. Actually, it goes to show just how much she doesn't know me because what I wrote is so off character. I half expected her to call me out on it, but she believed it, it's crazy.

But empathy and saving us was also not the rule growing up. Prior to having kids, she would get pissed if you were hurt. And the most she would say is to hold it together better. Unless we were hurt by someone she doesn't like... Then she would marvel in saying how a bad person they are.

So, what I see well is that she can provide empathy ONLY if she has something to gain from it (see her grandchildren), or get more control (using the hurt to triangulate you more against her ennemy).

I also wondered about the golden child VS the scapegoat in my family. I don't think we had any fixed type. I can't tell who was what. She gave much more gifts and did more nice things for my brother, while I had to work more and do things around the house to buy peace. She would ignore me, I would just sit silently at the table all the time, while my brother would talk and make her laugh. It's ok though, because I was terrorized of her so I am glad my brother was there to put on a show. Maybe I was also a scapegoat? But became a golden child when I provided her with grandchildren...

I know right now my nephew is her golden grandchild, while my niece is her scapegoat. She doesn't know my children enough to project on them yet though, and I am now keeping her far enough that she won't know what happens in my house. She would use it against me, against my children. Like she did with my older brother's family.

I see her games of trying to triangulate my children  against me, like she triangulates my nephews against their mother, and this is what truly set me off and out of the relationship. I won't let her triangulate my children against me, this is just too much.

[Notwendy]

Yes, exactly. My mother wants to see her grandchildren, not me. However, my kids are older and "out of the nest". Her extended family all live near each other and so get together often. In my case, we don't all live in the same town. My children visit when they can but it's not the same as living in the same town. She doesn't see the difference and assumes my situation is the same and somehow I am "keeping her from her grandchildren".

We have at times, visited her as a family, but then there was Covid, and they got busy, and even we haven't gotten together as much. But she doesn't see that and assumes we are like her extended family and are leaving her out. She does call and text them directly. They know how to manage this.

She's manipulative and is usually more careful, but at the time my father died, she actually disowned me. She later realized the impact of that decision included my children. She has actually tried to establish a relationship with just them, and not me and one of my fears was that she'd triangulate them against me. Fortunately this didn't happen. So then, she backtracked and "reowned" me.

For all her other behaviors we were expected to go along with her wishes and act like nothing happened but the timing for me was that I was grieving the loss of my father. I couldn't tell if it was his idea to disown me or hers or both and I was struggling with the idea that my father would actually do that. I did decide to keep low contact with her, but with the knowledge that my parents would do that, I saw what the relationship meant to her. This was not ever about property or anything of value- when someone disowns a child- it means they wish to disown the relationship.

So reflecting back on her behavior when I visited, it makes sense coming from this perspective. Maybe she doesn't care if I visit or not. I also admit that when I am around her, I keep an emotional distance. I didn't dismiss the relationship with my parents. She did. I don't hold a grudge about it. It's more about not knowing what the relationship means ( or doesn't mean )to her.

[Methuen]

This is an interesting thread.  RW - what your T suggested came as a surprise when I first read it, but I immediately saw the wisdom as I worked at reading through the thread. It brought you peace for sure.  Peace is not something we are used to.  We are used to chaos.

But, I think it could come with a risk of validating the invalid, if we don’t execute the response quite right.  I like how NW responded to her mom after the last visit - essentially by saying she was sorry that all the nice things NW did for her, hurt her mom.  Still authentic, still honest, but not agreeing that she’s a terrible daughter.  I would be concerned RW that agreeing that you are a terrible daughter would  be validating  the invalid, which could possibly come back and bite you down the road in unforseeable ways.

NW, I get it that you are confident that your mom forgot the loan  papers were in the folder she gave you to look at.  But, from this forum,  your mom seems super smart, and also  organized.  I kind of agree with RW that she set you up to find  those papers.  Of course you were surprised and concerned.  She knew you would be.  Your rational surprise and concern ( which any normal healthy person would respond with in these circumstances) triggered her because she interpreted that as disapproval - that she had made a mistake.  From her point of view she doesn’t make mistakes.  Now you are the persecutor, and have validated her belief that you are the persecutor.  So yes - from her point of view you hurt her.  So I can’t say I “know” from afar, but it kinda looks and smells suspiciously like a BPD self-sabatoge behavior when she set that file in front  of you.  Perpetuating the chaos… It’s crazy making, but that’s BPD.   Of course if your mom is the forgetful or disorganized type, then it is likely she forgot they were there.

Readng this thread brought back a memory for me .  When I was in grade 3 we were at school already when the school district closed  the schools because of a terrible blizzard and snowfall that was getting heavier.  Parents were asked to pick up their kids from school for obvious safety reasons.  My teacher or the principal told me my mom had said she couldn’t come get me and I should walk home.  I was 8 and a runt - probably about 40 lb.  The walk home was normally 15 min.  I remember being terrified for my life.  Conditions were white-out, and I was freezing.  I had to cross a highway and I remember the wind lifting me off my feet.  I was so scared. When I finally made it home, my mom started yelling at me because I had taken so long and scared her. She was so angry.   I had been expecting a welcome and a hug and relief from my mom, and maybe even a hot chocolate It didn’t mak sense to 8 year old me,  and 60 year old me is finally giving 8 year old me that hug.  Looking back, I am guessing she was pissed that something bad happened because I was taking too long, and she would look bad.

Thanks for starting this thread.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Right there with you !

She disowned me when I left in November... And reowned me a few days later, probably after she realized the impact it would have on her relationship with my children.

The thing is, I can't just switch off what she said. Even with her illness, I can't unhear that she doesn't want to be my mother. She just wants to be a grandmother, she said it quite eloquently. And I can't unhear it. I can't also ignore how part of me was actually relieved to be disowned... How part of me actually wishes for the relationship to end.

---------------

Something crazy is happening right now. After she sent me those five paragraphs about loving me, even if she loved be badly and yada yada yada, I didn't answer because I said I was so hurt I needed time to change, to not hurt her anymore bouhou...
And she started a conversation with my brothers and I on messenger and is now telling us her life.

How she was so poor, and everything she did, how hardworking she is and a loving heart that just wants to be loved and live a happy life. How she took care of so many appartments, renovated them all with a young baby. How she wasn't like the rest of her family, how her sister was ashamed of her (I am pretty sure my aunt has another vision of the times she lived with my mother...)

But everything she says is shallow. She doesn't really say anything. Just looking for validation on her life story I guess?

And in a way, if I put it in perspective that I told her I was inadequate and ungrateful and depressed (untrue but what she thinks), it just goes to show how she is : RiverWolf is depressed and feels inadequate, so I will write about how I came from nothing and did all those things, all those achievements, how strong I am... The timing of it is weird.

And I mean, maybe she renovated a couple appartments... All the while drinking herself to blackout everynight and abusing my brother when he was a baby... Abusing him enough that his father felt he had to runaway at some point. His father is a good man, and I am pretty sure that when she writes: he left with brother and soon it was over between us... There is a lot of horror behind that. But she doesnt take responsibility for it. She hides it and focuses on her work achievements.

Me getting off script lead to a really strange reaction. It's odd.

[zachira]

I find this to be one of the most intriguing threads. It seems that with healthy people we can respond in normal ways whereas certain kinds of dysfunctional people aren't comfortable with us unless we are presenting ourselves as down and out, and then suddenly they go overboard being phoney nice. It makes me think of people who have gone overboard trying to help me when I was really lost and in crisis, who were angry when I was doing so much better after lots of deep soul searching and determintation to do better which contrasts sharply with the healthy people who welcomed my growth.

[Riv3rW0lf]

This is an interesting thread.  RW - what your T suggested came as a surprise when I first read it, but I immediately saw the wisdom as I worked at reading through the thread. It brought you peace for sure.  Peace is not something we are used to.  We are used to chaos.

But, I think it could come with a risk of validating the invalid, if we don’t execute the response quite right.  I like how NW responded to her mom after the last visit - essentially by saying she was sorry that all the nice things NW did for her, hurt her mom.  Still authentic, still honest, but not agreeing that she’s a terrible daughter.  I would be concerned RW that agreeing that you are a terrible daughter would  be validating  the invalid, which could possibly come back and bite you down the road in unforseeable ways.

It might. But I can ways tell her the truth.. that I was baiting her like she keeps baiting me...

The thing is, I feel less scared of her since trying that...

By manipulating her, by laughing internally at her reaction, I found a part of me that wanted to hurt her deeply and who hold a lot of contempt for her. Part of me think she is stupid, and weak. And hates her so very much, despises her so ..

I would never have seen that part this clearly, well hidden behind my anger, if I hadn't lied to her. And it is better that it was a "white lie" to buy me time in a somewhat gentle manner, than a full blown uncontrolled attack.

I don't know if that's the end game he was hoping for. He told me before we would work on seeing my mother as what she truly is, to decrease the terror I have of her. Also to give myself back my own power... So maybe that was part of the process... Make little RiverWolf laugh a bit to her mother's reaction... And she did, but another part got out of it, and this one is cruel... Very, very cruel.  Something to discuss with my T at my next appointment...

I don't see how it could bite me again later... She already disowned me and clearly hates me. And there is just nothing I can do that will change that. It made me see her disease very clearly. She definitely is borderline.

Readng this thread brought back a memory for me .  When I was in grade 3 we were at school already when the school district closed  the schools because of a terrible blizzard and snowfall that was getting heavier.  Parents were asked to pick up their kids from school for obvious safety reasons.  My teacher or the principal told me my mom had said she couldn’t come get me and I should walk home.  I was 8 and a runt - probably about 40 lb.  The walk home was normally 15 min.  I remember being terrified for my life.  Conditions were white-out, and I was freezing.  I had to cross a highway and I remember the wind lifting me off my feet.  I was so scared. When I finally made it home, my mom started yelling at me because I had taken so long and scared her. She was so angry.   I had been expecting a welcome and a hug and relief from my mom, and maybe even a hot chocolate It didn’t mak sense to 8 year old me,  and 60 year old me is finally giving 8 year old me that hug.  Looking back, I am guessing she was pissed that something bad happened because I was taking too long, and she would look bad.

Thanks for starting this thread.

Goodness Methuen ... Here is another big hug for Little Methuen. This is so so wrong... Part of me wonders if she wasn't half wishing for you to not make it so she could relive her abandonment trauma. That's just how irrational they can be.

My mother, when I was very young, would not really make sure I was safe and I retrieved a memory recently of my falling into a small river. In was winter time, I was about 3 years old (I only remember the feeling of cold and what she said to me, it came to me as a dream). My mother keeps talking about this specific event and how she took me out of it, and cuddled me to keep me warm... Except, what came back to me is her screaming me to walk faster... So she took me out of the hole, I was wet with cold water, terrorized, freezing and she made me walk to the house, all the while screaming at me to walk faster.

With all the accidents that came close to killing me during my childhood, part of me thinks she actually wanted me dead. That's how much I didn't trust her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I find this to be one of the most intriguing threads. It seems that with healthy people we can respond in normal ways whereas certain kinds of dysfunctional people aren't comfortable with us unless we are presenting ourselves as down and out, and then suddenly they go overboard being phoney nice. It makes me think of people who have gone overboard trying to help me when I was really lost and in crisis, who were angry when I was doing so much better after lots of deep soul searching and determintation to do better which contrasts sharply with the healthy people who welcomed my growth.

Yes ! That's when we recognize healthy people, those worth keeping around. Those who genuinely wants us to be well won't try to save us, they will welcome our growth as it happens. Their help is often just an active listening, a presence, a welcome to who we truly are...  With no pressure.

[Notwendy]

Yes, the idea that she did know the loan was in there- has a possible motive.

Initially, when I was more naiive about BPD and family dynamics, when Dad got ill, I was concerned she would mismanage the money if she had control of it. I also was concerned if she became unable to manage and needed someone to help her with bills. Supporting her is beyond what we can do, or want to do. I knew she had a financial cushion that could provide for her needs if she managed it well.

So I asked her to add my name to some of her accounts in the event that I needed to step in to assist but she'd have nothing of it and then when she started to tell people that I "forced" her to go to the bank I walked away. If she's not going to trust me, I won't have anything to do with her finances. She's been secretive about it ever since but I know from her lifestyle and how she trusts untrustworthy people that it isn't managed well

If I found out about the loan, I would know that she has spent down much of what Dad left in terms of savings. Yet, since she has made her children POA, she also knows that if we did need to assist, we'd find out. Telling us directly would involve some shame on her part. Having me look through her papers and then claim I somehow didn't do what she asked correctly could have served the purpose of both me being informed and also placing me in persecutor position.

My other "idea" was that if she ever did need assisted living and I was POA is that we could sell the house and use the money to pay for that.

I think- even if she won't admit it- she does know somewhere that her children do have her best interest at heart and that if we ever had control of her finances we'd use them to provide for what she needs. I think that she knows her decision to take out a home equity loan and not tell us was something that we'd somehow feel betrayed for, because if we have POA we needed to know that. Having me "find the loan" and get upset may have served a purpose for her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Follow up

This little try out of mine has cascading effects indeed...

My mother opened a messenger conversation with both my brothers and me, and started her life story.

The first was about her first husband, my older brother's father and how she is so industrious, and worked very hard and was a little joyous girl dreaming of love and life. How she loved him despite her whole family not loving him, and how one day they broke up (the story doesn't say why, just that he had to leave quickly with my brother at some point... I wonder who was having a fit back home...)

The second was about my father (me and second brother) and how he cheated on her and was selfish and used her. How he left her for a woman she tried to help by having him befriend her and how she ended up alone to raise her children.

The last one is about her tumultuous and various relationships with many different men. On that specific point, she acknowledged she regrets not having had the strength of doing it alone and subjecting us to that. But then, she goes on on a tirade about how she is proud of my brothers, and how I hurt her despite her having shown nothing more than empathy and understanding toward me. How she helped me with my moves, at a time when I kept hurting her.

And I am searching how exactly it is that I hurt her at that moment in my life when she never came to visit and basically ignored me. She was focused on her grandchildren and didn't give two cents about me and my life. She didn't care about my studies, she didn't care about nothing I was doing.

She even talked about how sad I was as a young teenager, and how I smoked while she was well and running and doing well. That was so weird. I was 12 and there somehow was come kind of competition even then? She said I was bullied in school because I changed friends... Yet offered no support, no guidance and even went as far as bullying me at home and telling me I enjoyed having been sexually assaulted by two guys at school.

She of course doesn't mentionned the boyfriend she let come into my room when I was 6. But she goes at length about how, by raising us well and believing in us all that time, how she created monsters who don't respect her. While she treated her own parents with such respect (except she threw my grandmother out of her house last summer and treated her very badly while she was living with her).

I needed to process.

Yes indeed, she is playing the victim card with a touch of empathy to give more strength to her role I guess.

Her vision of our childhood and how she did her best makes me want to throw up.

I could have recognized and forgive a message that stated she didn't have the proper tools to deal with us and life and everything. I got the parts she regret.  But the blame she placed on us, how we hurt her still and are ungrateful, damn I am really tired of this one

So. Much. Anger.

I despise her so now. I have no compassion left.

My rational brain understands her past struggle, her disease. I partly see she is "trying". But my rational brain also see the manipulation, the victim she wants to be. And little me is so hurt and sad and angry at her. And something else rose up in me that just wants to hurt her. Something cruel that hates her so very much.

... A dark part rose up from this little experiment. Which is ok, I have to acknowledge this part as well to heal. It had to be, this part helped me survive. It is ok. It will all be ok.

[Notwendy]

Riv3rW0lf- that was quite the emotion "dump" on all of you. From her own perspective and I agree, it's victim perspective.

It looks as if she's being "waif"- in this, in order to justify her behavior and avoid feeling at fault as that would cause shame. When someone is in victim perspective, they don't feel accountability- it's "you" that hurt them.

I understand your feelings. You have a lot to be angry about. There is no concern for you as the child you were, or the adult you are now, in that conversation.

One thing I realized is that my own BPD mother is so overwhelmed with her own feelings, she just doesn't have an awareness of how others feel  much of the time. If she feels hurt though, I believe she wants to be hurtful - that part seems intentional. She's also manipulative. That exchange from your mother feels as if she's trying to gain sympathy.

I also think there's a tendency to "compete" ( for lack of better words) with a female child. Your mother seems to want some kind of approval from males.

Bottom line though: this is not about you. It's about her and how she perceives you. This is something that frustrates me too- my mother "sees" me through her emotional filter and so responds to me through that. I can't change that.

Your feelings are yours- you don't have to deny them. Take care of you.

 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you Notwendy,

Yes I also sense she just cannot understand our emotions because she is overwhelmed by hers.

Her double standards are insane.

She left her own home at 18years old, pissed at her father. She came back to ask for money many times and her mother always provided help, whenever she could.

Yet when she had her in her house last year, she treated her own mother very poorly, bullying her relentlessly because she was making sounds while playing cards, and because she had issues walking. Grandma told me she hurt her foot at my mother's house, yet my mother did not seem to provide any help, and instead threw her mother out of her house because it triggered her trauma, and raged at all her sibblings because they didn't ask how she was doing when their called their mother.

I can understand, and I did help her back then, to explain to her sister about her depression and how she couldn't care for her mother because of all her past hurt.

It is such a double standard for her to be so mad and despise her own mother, not wanting to be like her on account of her past, yet she cannot fathom that we have traumas of our own that we need to heal, because "she did all she could, and believed in us " (not).

As if my grandmother had an easy life, and was happy, and didn't do the best she could herself with 11 children and a husband who neglected her and didn't care for his family.

My mother is such a hypocrite.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Now I get the flying monkeys term.

Just found out my stepfather had blocked me on both Facebook and Messenger. Probably under pressure from my mother.

I was mad. Then sad. Still sad but now I am thinking she is just making it easier and easier for me to walk away.

I asked for time to heal myself. And she went full attack on me on account of her own shame and hurt.

Part of me would like to be compassionate. And part of me is... But then, mostly, I am sick and tired of her constant attacks.

She is relentless and I am exhausted of the constant drama.

I can't say I am surprised. I guess for her it is just a payback for not getting pictures of my kids. Well...again, she is just making it easier for me to completely leave the relationship altogether.

I didn't react yet. Just told my older brother, who is doing is best in remaining neutral and keeping peace in all of this... But he told me he sees her blaming me, but wants me to be careful with what he says are "suppositions", because he believes she means no harm and surely it is just a mistake.

I need guidance.

[Notwendy]

This pattern is similar to what happened when my father passed away. Before that, BPD mother was angry at me.

I understand how you feel. I think it helps to take a long range view of this: this has nothing to do with you.

This is classic triangle dynamics and family system dynamics.

Your mother's perception is as victim. While you wish she might perceive a larger picture, see her role in things- this isn't where she is emotionally.

If she's with your SD- his role is rescuer. He is going to rally by her side. Even if he didn't want to block you on social media- she likely insisted on it. Keep in mind, he lives with her. This does not excuse any behavior but consider what he may be dealing with if he doesn't do what she asks.

Flying monkeys are part of family system dynamics.

In a family, all members have certain roles. The family acts as if it is one unit.

When a family member is dysfunctional, the other members of the family take on certain roles to balance this. They may be dysfunctional roles but together, as a unit, the family achieves a certain balance when each member takes on a familiar role.

The example in my family of origin was- BPD mom's needs at the center. The rest of us revolving around them, taking on certain roles. The roles might vary, but she remains in place as victim. There are no other victims. So her actions are not accounted for as being hurtful to anyone else and they are someone else's fault.

Dad's chief role is rescuer/enabler. Our roles as children are to normalize BPD mom through our achievements and our own life choices- provide narcissistic supply. Grandchildren are to serve that purpose as well. We also become either scapegoat or golden child.

When one person in the family steps out of their role or doesn't fulfill it, the whole family as a unit is out of balance. The other family members feel uncomfortable. The natural reaction at first is to get the "wayward" family member back into their position to return the family back to balance. Now this balance doesn't mean everyone is happy and there's no dysfunction, but it is a balance of sorts.

This explains the flying monkeys. You stepped out of doing your part. They rally to bring you back into your role. Note- this isn't about you. They are doing what they think is necessary to bring the family back to balance because they are not comfortable. It's about them. This may not even be a conscious move on their parts. It's the pattern they feel is what they need to do.

When the attempts to bring the person back into their family role are not successful, the next likely move is to expel the member from the unit, and reconfigure a new balance with the remaining family members. Each member may still be in a dysfunctional role, but the unit as a whole seeks a balance.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you hearing how the flying monkeys are now participating in mistreating you. The participation of the flying monkeys can be more painful than the actual harm done by the people who have always mistreated you. It is just you never expected to be betrayed by certain people and when it is the family unit supporting the abuse, the sorrow and pain can be overwhelming for a long time.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you Notwendy and Zachira.

Very true for the dynamics, also very true for the pain of the flying monkey. The expectation, or rather the lack of it, makes it feel worst.

I felt supported by both my brothers, who were in the conversation she had created. They both made it clear they were staying out of it, and they just sometimes check in to see how I am doing, no guiltrip, no meddling. I am grateful for that. I expected one of them to turn on me, and he just called me to see how I was and that he wanted to visit soon, that he loves me, so it feels good to know my brothers won't accept the role she would like them to take.

I have this feeling that the fact they didn't take her side, and chose to not intervene, is the reason why she started the conversation to blame all of us. Mostly me, but some arrows were shot are them as well.

Anyway ... I decided to call her out, politely, with no accusations, but called her out nonetheless, that I had been pretty clear I needed time to heal and that her constant guiltripping and arrows were not helpful. That the blocking had been particularly hurtful and to thread carefully because I wouldn't be accepting this kind of behaviors much longer.

And she said it was just a technological mistake.

Seriously? And I am supposed to believe that?

She said her whole message was to explain why she thought things had turned this way. Yet both my brother and I saw the blame and lack of responsability taking.

A technological mistake...

Anyway, I guess she didn't expect me to not attack, and not play the victim and just to stay true to myself in front of my brothers, who don't meddle and don't take side. And she backed off.

I am exhausted of the mind games.

The attacks followed by : I didn't, you are misunderstanding. Constant invalidation of my reality.

Tonight, I am tired. Exhausted. Hurt and I feel alone. it's a flashback I know. And it's ok. I welcome those feelings and I am thankful I have one safe place here to talk about it.

[Mommydoc]

So glad your brothers have some insight and are supporting you. Hopefully you can feel validated by that. And recognize and prepare for the dynamic to change. I am also so glad this is your safe space, it is for me too.

It is so exhausting! My immediate family constantly reminds me, that I have a choice of how much energy I put into this relationship. Thanks to this site, I no longer remain in my relationship with my pwBPD out of fear, obligation or guilt. I do it because of the legal position my parents put us in and I am clear with myself on that. But we do choose how much, time, effort and emotional energy to give. I am tired too and have decided to focus 99% of my energy on things other than my pwBPD.
The patterns are predictable and will repeat themselves. 

The attacks followed by : I didn't, you are misunderstanding. Constant invalidation of my reality.

we can’t change the other person, only our reaction to them.

The exhaustion is real. It is your body asking you to pay attention to you. Please put your energy and attention back on yourself. You deserve to prioritize you right now.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you Mommydoc,

I am trying to balance my thoughts out right now and to put my energy back on myself. The thing is, I cannot control where my thoughts are going and I decided recently to trust that my mind and my body know how to get me to a space where I will feel better. This is a rollercoaster to be sure... Anger, sadness, exhaustion, cruelty, compassion... I feel so many emotions since I stopped running away from them.

Today is a good day.

I reread what she wrote and really tried to see what she meant behind the blame instead of what she actually wrote...

And in there somewhere, she said she is sorry.

It is as if... She knows she carries blame and she wants very much to take responsibility, but when she does, she somehow has to put blame on us, to share the shame, because it seems too much to bear for her alone.

They say BPD symptoms lessen with age. And seeing how she is now, compared to what she was, she is doing better indeed. But I think I just carry so much trauma that everything she says I question. My level of trust in her is so very low and THAT is what I am trying to understand and heal from.

I cannot change her, but maybe I can desensitize myself and understand myself by facing my past and healing from it. I just don't want to be angry anymore, and hurt. I want to be at peace with myself and with my life.

I can say : I have no regret because those past hurts led me where I am. But somehow, I don't feel it. And that's what I want to feel: peace. I'm tired of feeling I have been robbed of something better somehow. I want to be grateful toward life and how it led me to a safe place, to my own family. And I certainly don't want to feel angry and cruel toward her...  She doesn't need me to do that, she does it to herself, and here is pity...

Her disease is not her fault. She has a disorder born from trauma. And I would like to get to a point where I can hold firm boundaries out of love for myself, instead of out of fear of being hurt... If that makes sense.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I thought I was lying when I told her what I said...

But it is true: part of me has been ungrateful, and vengeful, and cruel... Spiteful, resentful, so angry.

And now I can recognize it... Which I couldn't do before I "lied". Only.. I didn't lie. I have been participating in her hurt and pain, in my own hurt and pain, by not healing my past.