My sister and I have been in close contact over the last years because she lived next to my mother and we were both involved in her care (I lived two hours away). Now that my mom passed, we are having to deal with settling the estate. We all own thirds of my mom's place, which my siblings have lived on rent and tax free for 20 years. I have never lived there.
Since you are a third of it, I am assuming there is a third sibbling? What is she/he doing/thinking in all of this? Can he/she buy you out?
My sister is infuriated I want to buy her out and has now turned my nieces against me (one of whom I was a lifeline to when she was having her own trouble with her Mom some years ago). I just want out of the situation, especially after the revelation re. my sister and her personality, but it really hurts me that she would do this even though what I'm asking is very reasonable (and she has the money from the sale of another property). I'm assuming she's getting revenge on me for feeling like I've abandoned here, but she makes it so difficult to deal with her, with the rage, the accusations, making me feel guilty for not doing what she wants me to, that she pushes me away so I just don't have to deal with the moods and contempt. Any help here? Right now, I just want to get through the settling of the estate and live my own life, but I'm sad asking for this reasonable thing has lost me the connection with my nieces.
Dealing with an estate is always extremely stressful, and even within families without BPD present, it is often root for fights and further pain. I understand you wanting out of the situation as fast as possible. It is very stressful. And I am sorry you are going through this.
How old are your nieces? Connections come and go and maybe it would help to not see a loss of connection with them as ultimate. But rather, it is just what is happening at this very moment. And this too shall pass.
I am starting to see BPD crisis as a really sudden and terrible storm, and you just have to find the right shelter in the form of boundaries inside yourself.
She will try to use guilt, shame. Those are their preferred weapon, but you don't have to accept them. Find the part within you that is assertive and focus on it. Do not let her make you feel like you are at fault for wanting out. Wanting to sell your part of the estate is absolutely valid and reasonable. Maybe legal counsel could help with that specific part if your sister refuses to deal with you? To know your legal options?
It is not easy being blamed and feeling manipulated like they do. It gets to our core. They are not rational, and being rational rarely helps. What is reasonable for most non-BPD can be a real sacrilege for BPDs. And this is not about you, it is about her and her mental illness.
Stay strong.
