He moved

[Jbombjas]

I’ve been here a long time ago and have gone through a very tumultuous relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years now. He’s dysrsgulaged many times on me and said he’s never see me again, only to come back around. In the 3 1/2 years, we don’t see each other that often (I think he fears spending a lot of time w anyone, and really only connects sexually Tho we’ve never had sex) but I fell down the rabbit hole of feeding into his behaviors and instead of giving him space and time, always forced my way into his life by what he calls harassment. It’s embarrassing to admit, but true.
He’s been telling me to go to his place and see him for 3 months now and I haven’t only because I was so scared. But to him it felt like constant rejection. These kind of events have happened on and off ,  longer than the last three months as well.
Last Tuesday I found out he just suddenly moved a little further away. In Los Angeles 60 miles is pretty far away considering traffic. He was 7 miles before. And he’s a very impulsive person. We rarely ever plan on seeing each other, but i go at a moments notice. This changed over the last year or two, however, in that he just wanted me to stop by so I didn’t feel I had to jump when he said so. I have huge abandonment issues as well and get very triggered by the loss of him, reverting back to a crazed child with no respect to his boundaries, only trying to fulfill my needs and get jim to stay. He always comes back around when he’s ready.
But now he’s moved. And that impulsive connection is impossible. And since he’s moved he’s kind of changed his purpose and identity into something where he’s hyper focuses and thinks he doesn’t want to date anyone. And he has told me good luck w my life suddenly (even tho he kind of has many times!)
I’m devastated and wonder if this is really it. He’s been attached to me for a long time but sometimes this feels like the final discard. A few days ago he was packing up his old place and said he’d never see me again ( many many times), and then asked me to go over and see him. He’s very fickle. He’s said never many times.
But he has resolve.when he first told me he’d moved he said we could try but then asked some impossible things of me right away and I couldn’t fulfill them. Bc he wanted me to prove myself to him. So he prob felt rejected and got rageful and has decided I always fail him and he doesn’t want to try.  I’m always the one who runs back to him. He doesn’t chase me.  So I wonder what can I do to get him back? What can I do to change that fickle mind? When I saw him he said he’d never share where he lived w me ever again and lots of never. But he also said he’d never see me again and then he did. He often flips black and white but always comes back around.
How can I show him I’m gonna change. I’m really really changing too. I’ve delved back into AA. I’m trying to let him go with love. I’m not going crazy trying to get him back like I have. I want to prove it. How can I get him back? Sure. He’s far away. It makes it more difficult. But I’m willing. It’s not impossible. Will he ever come back around? Past behavior shows he’s will but he has a new life now, so I’m very very triggered and full of fear.

This is long so I may not get any help. But I desperate. Desperate to love him the right way. Desperate to show him I’m gonna go back to where I was when I first met him and stop w the fear and be back in a place of love. Of course he doesn’t believe me. I don’t blame him. He twisted me and turned me for years until I became not so good to him.  But this time I mean business. And I’m acting on it. It will take time to show him with actions. Not words. But I can and I will.  I don’t want to lose him. Our relationship is very dysfunctional but I love him. .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jbombjas]

Zero responses. Zero help. Thank you all for the support. Take care.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m sorry that no one has responded up until now. In reading your post, I found myself confused about how you could get him back without chasing him.

If he’s found a different life, as you say, and he lives a significant distance away, I can’t imagine how you could just run into him. And you don’t want to pursue him, you want him to come back to you.

It sounds as if you’ve not had a sexual relationship with him, but that he only “connects sexually” so I’m not sure exactly what that means. Have you been the “friend” while he pursues other women?

Changing to better yourself is a wonderful goal, and you might certainly attract someone who is willing to give more of himself to you. I’m wondering what about this man is so compelling to you.