Nearing the end of the road

[WitzEndWife]

Well, folks, we're coming closer and closer to the end of my relationship with my undiagnosed HwBPD. I have finally decided that I need to prioritize myself and that I can no longer live with the abuse and cruelty. I have done everything: educated myself, gone to therapy to work on my own issues, re-discovered my love of horses, and gotten a better, more supportive job. I have supported him time and time again and tried to deal with his rages in so many different ways, but there is nothing left to do.

He finishes school at the end of May and my plan is for sometime in June. I still don't have a clear picture of what the actual day of will look like, but I'm telling more and more people about my situation so that I am supported.

The scariest part of it for me is the actual doing of it. I will have to throw him out and there is no doubt that he will rage and say all kinds of horrible things to me. I also don't know, when faced with having to be on his own and take care of himself, how desperate he will become. He has a gun, so the goal would be to keep that out of his sight and possession for that timeframe. I can either somehow confiscate it when he doesn't have it on him, OR I can go the extreme route and get a PO and the police will confiscate it.

The problem with getting a PO is that it would be a total blindside, the EXACT thing his mother did when he was 14, throwing him out without even a warning, and THAT has the potential to create a volcano of rage that I don't think the PO would stop. But then again, he could do nothing. It's hard to tell.

The hardest part about everything is not knowing, and then, if I did get him out of the house, worrying about him coming back, even if I left the house for a little while after. I know others have done this, so I welcome advice. But please, if you have horror stories about someone getting killed by a spouse, I don't need to hear it. I have already heard a number of those and my therapist says I don't need to hear any more of them.

[BigOof]

WitzEndWife, you should start working with a local domestic violence agency now. They'll help you with the PO for free and ensure your safety plan is in order.

Doesn't sound like you have kids together?

[ForeverDad]

This is probably unlikely but just so you're aware...

It's a 6 year marriage, the risk of spousal support during the divorce or alimony after the final decree *may* exist but it all depends on the circumstances.  He may claim to be a disadvantaged ex.  But you'll try to seek a PO, so that may counter whatever he claims.  Also to your benefit, you've helped him to finish school, so he's well on his way to supporting himself at mid-40s age.

These days alimony, if court decides to order, is generally very short term (usually no more than half the marriage length and often much less) while transitioning the disadvantaged spouse to post-marital life.  But if you have to get a PO to get him out then spousal support or later alimony ought to be unlikely.

[WitzEndWife]

In terms of legal support, I've already secured that. My lawyer is a former judge as well, so she has a good idea of what will work and not work. She has said that as long as I pay for the car, I shouldn't owe him much of anything more, given our debt (one thing financial abuse is good for, I guess...?) and his lack of working.

I'm more worried about my safety with or without a PO. I don't know how I'm going to tell him. That's the scary part.

[ForeverDad]

You can decide not to tell him - a big weight off your shoulders - and let the legal system serve him.  That's why the system is there.  Or a blend of the two approaches.  If you do advance notice or if he senses something is coming, be sure to have someone with you or nearby.

[PeteWitsend]

I agree you need to be careful.  From what I remember about your story, he's sometimes aggressive & will throw and break things, but hasn't physically harmed you or threatened you.  Not sure if that's accurate still (?)  But either way, I think divorce is a very final step, and so his reaction might be exaggerated in response.

Aside from protecting yourself from physical violence, I wouldn't worry so much about his feelings or what he's said or done.  That part about his mom throwing him out you wrote about above, do you even know that to be true?  pwBPD are unreliable narrators to put it mildly.  Plus their mood swings make it difficult, if not impossible, for them to follow through with promises and agreements, even if they made them in good faith. 

So my advice is to focus on what you need to do to protect yourself, and do not worry about him, or worry about his needs.  He will not extend the same courtesies to you.

Also, do not rely on his word; handle everything through attorneys going forward, and follow the temporary separation orders and eventual divorce decree.  In my own experience, pwBPD will drag things on forever, and drag you down into the mud if you let them or try to accommodate them.

During my divorce, BPDxw repeatedly begged me to re-consider (Never again for me; not after 5 1/2 years of misery, and after I already did that once and she failed to live up to her end of the bargain).  After seeing that I was determined to move forward, begged me to call off the attorneys, and just settle everything over a cup of coffee amicably.

I didn't respond to that either; last thing I needed was to have her make up some BS about me threatening her or hitting her, or make a scene in public, or lie her way to a property settlement or promise something in return she never intended to deliver on anyway.  Better to just leave it up to the professionals, and get out.  Don't be tempted to do things on the cheap.

[formflier]

Well...we have some time to sort this out.

Kinda random things I can think of.

1.  I would definitely have the PO ready to go, to the point of filing it.  My guess is you will know if it will be needed fairly soon after you inform him/serve him.

2.  Coordinate with a locksmith so that while he is out (perhaps you can tell him/serve him somewhere "offsite") the locks are changed with you having the only key.

3.  Police can come over to "keep the peace" while he collects his stuff and perhaps you can find a support person that can be there with a video camera (phone)..so you can be somewhere else.  That way if there is any question if he is taking your stuff or his stuff or whatever...they can put a video on it.  (this also might be something you could hire private security for/private eye)

You don't want to be around..but someone needs to protect your stuff from rage and other things.


Last for now:

I would recommend that you speak with your T about how you will handle his "reasoning" to not get kicked out.

"Just when I find success (graduating)..you throw me away."

"You are just like my Mom.."

who knows...

OK..really last question.  What are your plans for random rage between now and June?  Why not have PO ready and the next time he is out of line..just use it and accelerate your deadline.

There is a risk of driving yourself bonkers with the "countdown".  Again..discuss with T.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I was afraid of my ex when I was going through my divorce. It helped to have a supportive person working at my house, a contractor friend who had rodeoed—a bull rider who certainly wasn’t intimidated by a whiny, self important, identified victim of a man who was picking up the last of his possessions.

My ex didn’t know the status of this burly guy, whether we were a couple or if he was a handyman, and that served my purposes, though I hadn’t planned it that way.

And my friend talked to me and told me I looked scared. It was definitely reassuring to have him there.

[alterK]

You are wise to be doing the work you're doing in preparation for separating from your H. If you haven't already, read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy. He's a social worker and lawyer who has written a lot about dealing with high conflict people, and this book deals specifically with the kind of situation you're in.

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks all - I really appreciate the advice from folks. I spoke with my parents, sister, and BIL about action plans. My thinking is:
Step 1: I'll identify all the things I want to make sure he doesn't get hands on, as well as document everything in the house.
Step 2: I'll take my small, elderly dog and those important things and go stay at one of my family members' homes for a week, leaving a "Dear John" for him and giving him X days to vacate the home.
Step 3: I'll have the PO ready to be served on the last day of that sequence.
Step 4: I'll give a friend and a locksmith access to the home to change all the locks AND I'll change the security system.
Step 5: I'll return to the city in which I live, but stay in an AirBnB with family for another week.
Step 6: I'll return to my home with family and start assessing everything, cleaning, reorganizing, and making the house more "mine."
Step 7: I'll hopefully be safe enough in Week 4 to be left alone and start rebuilding my life. H isn't one to rage and split longterm, at least enough to break through a PO. But then again, I haven't taken away his cushy, comfortable life from him before.

[PeteWitsend]

...
Step 7: I'll hopefully be safe enough in Week 4 to be left alone and start rebuilding my life. H isn't one to rage and split longterm, at least enough to break through a PO. But then again, I haven't taken away his cushy, comfortable life from him before.

Sounds like you have a plan, which is good.  You might expect his behavior to ebb and flow, depending on how things are going in his life.  There will be periods of time when he's entirely focused on punishing or getting back at you.  Then there will be periods of time he's focused on something else, and you won't hear from him, or won't get any grief during the divorce process.  If he finds someone new, things may get very quiet. 

You never know with BPDers where their heads are... so like ForeverDad says, expect the unexpected.  He could be begging you to take him back one day, and find and shack up with someone else the next. 

Basically, when things settle down a bit, enjoy it; but don't let your guard down until he's really and truly out of the picture.  Ideally with someone else, or moved on to another city or state. 

[Cat Familiar]

As others have said, expect the unexpected. Your years of experience with him won’t give you a road map for how he might behave once you’ve ended the relationship. It might put your mind at ease to pay for a security service that can monitor your home.

[formflier]

A well thought out plan.

I'm curious about the Dear John letter thing and having him process all of this alone.  There is no way to know for sure...but seems like a lot of risk for him demolishing.

What about paying for an airbnb for him for a week (or more) so he has a place to go. 

While you and family go out for say a brunch with him in a very public place the locksmiths are doing their thing back home.

Then after he has cooled for a few days you have security of some sort there while he picks up his stuff.

Please don't take this as me saying your plan is "wrong"...just that I hope you weigh different courses of action and that you understand "why" you picked each one over the other.

The "why" may drive other decisions once you identify and rank what is important.

Best,

FF

[PeteWitsend]

A well thought out plan.

I'm curious about the Dear John letter thing and having him process all of this alone.  There is no way to know for sure...but seems like a lot of risk for him demolishing.

What about paying for an airbnb for him for a week (or more) so he has a place to go. 

While you and family go out for say a brunch with him in a very public place the locksmiths are doing their thing back home.
...

I think the brunch - if he knows divorce is coming - is inviting at best a lot of drama, at worst, maybe a violent incident.

my XW had no problem making a scene in public; in fact, I think she actually enjoyed it... all the sudden attention, the play for sympathy, etc.  I figure most pwBPD feel similar.

I think when divorcing a pwBPD, you just gotta rip the bandaid off, so to speak.  The more you try to let them down easy or slow it down, the more fighting you invite and potential leverage you lose.

He may destroy things in the house if left alone, but 1) she said she's already removing everything she cares about, and 2) if he does destroy stuff - break things, put holes in the drywall - she can document this and use it against him in court.

[Cat Familiar]

That’s why I recommended a security service to monitor what is going on both outside and inside. They can call the cops so you don’t have to.

[formflier]

Will your homeowners insurance cover loses "caused" by the insured?

Probably not.

So...if there is $30k in damage...or more, can you handle that?

I would think that insurance should pay off if you have a protection order and/or other legal means of saying "this person is not welcome in my home".

Potential scene in public.  That would expedite filing the PO and create witnesses. 

Best,

FF

[WitzEndWife]

That's a good point about the insurance. Maybe I can ask them about what would or what not be covered in that sort of event. At this point, he is also on the policy, so it might be tricky. But, ultimately, if he does any sort of significant damage to the home, it would have to play out in court and he would have to be held responsible for that, which would come out of his "half" of the assets.

At this point, I think I've verbalized everything I need to verbalize with him. I don't think trying to "let him down easy" would help. He is going to be upset, regardless. I would rather not be there when it happens, I've decided. I'll take the things that are important and matter to me and let him have at the rest (having documented everything, of course).

My main fear is more after it "goes down" and he's out. Having some kind of security for the weeks after I get back might help, but I don't know if I can afford something like that. I'll have to look into it. Personal security is super expensive, from what I understand. At least his own personal gun will be taken out of his hands for a time with the PO.

With him, I have no doubt that he will move on quickly to someone else, so that is honestly my hope. Once he's latched onto a new love interest/surrogate mommy, he will lose interest in punishing me.

Honestly, once this is done and over with, I will feel so much better. I'm scared for my safety, but I'm sick of being abused and picked at every single day.

Last night, he pulled the passive aggressive, "Did you check to see if your laundry was done?" I said, "Not yet, but I assume you need the machine?" He said, "Yes, I do, so the sooner you can clear the machines, the better." I had one load ready to dry, but it was a few things so I figured I'd just hang the stuff and clear the machines so I didn't have to deal with his anxious poking at me every five seconds to check my laundry. "Okay, I'll just pull everything out now." Him, "NO, you'll pull the laundry out when it's done." I go down there and pull everything out, hanging the stuff that still needed drying. He came downstairs in a full-on rage, kicking things and roaring, demanding that I put my stuff in the dryer. It was SO over the top, it was almost comical, if it wasn't also scary. I said, "Fine," and threw my stuff in the dryer.

I do not need this kind of thing in my life. I'm SO done.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good that you feel so decisive. When it was over for me, I knew it and there was never a moment of regret, other than for staying too long in an abusive relationship.

So what’s next?

[WitzEndWife]

What's next? Well, I've started to make a list of items that are going to be important for me to gather when I do take my leave. I'm also starting a shared document of planning resources with my family. I will have to suss out a date for leaving (probably June 11th) and start setting things up.

FF made a good point about possibly renting him an AirBnB or something. I'll definitely look into it. I don't know if he will go there, but it might be good for me to do that so he has somewhere to go. I was also thinking a storage unit for his stuff.

At this point, I'm willing to do anything in the interim to just get him out.

[formflier]

 He came downstairs in a full-on rage, kicking things and roaring, demanding that I put my stuff in the dryer. It was SO over the top, it was almost comical, if it wasn't also scary.  

So...how often does this sort of thing happen?  

I'm also curious why you didn't call 911 the instant he kicked..slammed...yelled or any sort of violence?

I would suggest that two big things be foremost in your mind.

1.  Clear and succinct is actually kind.  (or kinder than long drawn out jade)  So...it's over.  I will be divorcing you.  Here is contact information for my lawyer.  

2.  Him having access to your house of any sort post divorce announcement is going to be problematic at best.  I mean he started destroying things over laundry...right?

Last:  Why not call lawyer and file the PO.  If you are done with it...be done with it.

As in file the PO now.

Best,

FF

 

[formflier]

At this point, I'm willing to do anything in the interim to just get him out.

Good...call your lawyer now.  File the PO.

Your husband displayed violence and threatening behavior towards you over laundry...take that at face value.  File the PO.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I’m wondering why you are setting a date two months in the future? Much can happen between now and then.

Also, do you think it’s possible that he’s becoming aware of your emotional “tells”? It seems that pwBPD can have a sixth sense of something going on underneath the surface.

[ForeverDad]

Also, do you think it’s possible that he’s becoming aware of your emotional “tells”? It seems that pwBPD can have a sixth sense of something going on underneath the surface.

They may appear dense and oblivious in some ways but they've had decades to hone their control and manipulation skills.  A phrase often mentioned here is "extinction bursts".  I'm sure he senses something is up.  As the End approaches they do sense that something is different and then choose to raise the level of conflict, as though they will be able to intimidate you back to prior compliant patterns.

Due to his outbursts, being fair, up front and sharing is not a wise approach.  All of that would be practical if you knew the relationship could be repaired.  But it's not.  At this point and with his patterns, giving him advance notice you're leaving (while thinking you need to be "fair" or "give fair notice") will enable him to sabotage you.

Since you do not know whether you may have to depart quickly on a moment's notice, why not transfer to a safe place elsewhere some of your mementos and other things sooner he wouldn't notice were gone.  Same goes for the documents you'll need such as passports, your birth certificate, as well as copies of bank and credit card account numbers, life insurance, your vehicle titles, etc.

[GaGrl]

Agree. The securing of documents and mementos is something that can they started now...just in case.

[WitzEndWife]

ForeverDad, I think that's a good option, getting stuff out sooner that would go unnoticed. I'm not opposed to doing that on days when he's not around and I have time.

The whole timing thing is based on when he graduates because then he has no excuse that I'm throwing him out before he's done with school and so he can't support himself and I have to pay alimony. Chances are low of that, but I don't want to give him that excuse. It's not THAT much longer and I've waited this long...

Yesterday was exceptionally bad. Supposedly he'd had a bad day. I didn't ask, but he came home picking at me over a parking ticket because the car was parked on the wrong side of the street, then he announced to me via text he had a horrible day and was basically locking himself in the second bedroom and I would have to feed the dogs. I told him that I was on my way to take care of my horse, so he'd have to take care of the dogs. He was angry about that (he is jealous of the horse). When I came home from that is when this all went down. Whenever something happens that fills him with fear or shame, he takes any conflict and turns it up to 11. He did not kick anything toward me or at me, he kicked a bucket away from me, but he raged that he was upset that I wasn't "doing what he told me to do."

This is why I definitely don't want to be around when anything goes down.

And, when I do leave, I will warn those closest to him so that they can check on him.

I don't think he suspects I'm up to anything like this, but he has been upset about the horse since I got her in October because I'm spending more time away from him. I just have to tread lightly and try to act normal until "go day."

[formflier]

The whole timing thing is based on when he graduates because then he has no excuse that I'm throwing him out before he's done with school and so he can't support himself and I have to pay alimony. Chances are low of that, but I don't want to give him that excuse. It's not THAT much longer and I've waited this long...
 

Hey WitzEndWife  we are on your side, so I'm not "arguing with you"...my hope is this will help you think rationally and clearly in a time when it seems obvious that is important...not only for your finances post divorce...but also your physical and mental safety.

Are you comfortable saying to yourself "I'm choosing to endure his violence and intimdation for "x" more weeks in order to potentially improve  my financial position". 

Have you asked a lawyer if a conviction and/or protection order will have any effect on the financial aspects of your divorce?

Here is another risk of enduring violence and "BPD" for a period of time.

You know "something will come up".  And then "I've waited this long...what's the harm in waiting another period of time".

Next thing you know he graduated 6 months ago and you are once again experiencing violence and intimidation over laundry...or house cleaning...or how dinner was made...or just because it's been a while and he needed a "pressure reliever".

I think you are worth choosing a life free of violence.  I hope you make that choice..now.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

I've followed your story and your He's history of not completing things.

Is there ANY possibility that he will find a way to self-destruct in a way that prevents him from finishing this program and having to support himself?

[formflier]

 
Or perhaps asked another way...

Based on his past behavior, the most probable (but not guaranteed) outcome of his school is..?

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

Perspective reminder... yours is a relatively short marriage, about 6 years, your financial obligations are probably minimal.  Your wish to put off a separation for another couple months may stem more from your emotional tendencies than practical ones.

One thought expressed here now and then is that there is never a "right" or "perfect" time to plan a separation or divorce.  Yet that is what some here have done, and later realized there was never a perfect time, it just had to be done, come what may.

[I Am Redeemed]

WitzEndWife,

I encourage you to do what you need to do for your own reasons and do not orchestrate things around his distorted perception: I e., She's throwing me out before I finish school, blah, blah.

He will always come up with some reason why whatever you do is unjustified, underhanded, backstabbing, abandoning, evil... you get the idea.

Trying to preempt his distortions of reality and control his perception of the situation is a waste of time. He's not going to see how"fair" or "considerate" you are in this, so why suffer longer than you have to in the interest of controlling the "excuses" he can come up with to be mad about you leaving him for a long-standing pattern of abusive behavior directed at you?

Abusers do not say "wow, she really was above board and considerate when she decided to leave me".

Abusers say "how dare she leave, no matter what I did".