Does this actually get better?

[ClarityAK13]

Hi - I have been in my relationship for 17 years. Ups and downs. Married 7 years ago. Things have worsened recently - to the point that I sought a therapist because I was being told by my husband that the problems were "all mine." After listening to me for a few sessions, the therapist asked me to consider if my partner had BPD. After initially being resistant, I bought "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the lightbulb just went off in my head. Questions are pouring out of me:
Why did this take so long?
How have I been coping all this time?
Does this get better?
Should I start divorce proceedings tomorrow?
Does this grief go away?
How in the hell can I still love this man? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi Clarity and welcome. You have come to a great place with friendly and understanding people who are so knowledgeable about bpd. I recommend the book, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. I have managed to improve my relationship with my wife so much over the past year, and she has no knowledge of everything I’ve been learning and doing differently. She does not believe she needs to change, but she has changed in response to my making changes. I have had so much help from the wonderful people here. It seemed a betrayal, but it has saved my marriage and things are so much calmer. I have turned a corner but I come here still to learn and try and help others even though I’m still a newbie really. Good luck, don’t give up just yet. If you want to share specific issues, conversations, etc that’s how I learnt from others… I realised what I was doing wrong and slowly began to change things. My whole story is on here, if you’re interested.

[alterK]

Hi Clarity, and welcome to the forum. Many of us here have had experiences similar to yours. The experience of "Duh! How could I not have understood what was going on for so long?" is very common. Many of us (myself included) have lived for years with a person with BPD before beginning to catch on. You can try to understand what in yourself has attracted you this person and kept you with them, and this may be helpful, but in the end you need to stop kicking yourself and start learning ways to deal with the situation.

Grief and anger are also common emotions among those of us who've live with partners with BPD. How can you not feel them? And they are usually directed, not just at our partners, but at ourselves.

There is no guarantee that a difficult relationship can get better, especially if that means expecting the other person to change. The only person you can change is yourself, and that is hard enough! Still, many, maybe most, of us have found that if we can develop better ways to deal with our partners, they do respond--but it's a slow process.

Follow thankful's suggestion and keep reading. There are books listed in the "Tools" section at the top of the page, and there are other good ones as well. If you want to discuss specific situations or challenging interactions, people here will be glad to respond.

[zondolit]

Welcome, Clarity. A year ago I was nearly exactly in your situation. I had similar questions and emotions to what you describe, and many of these questions still linger for me.

What is good is the confusion of my long-term relation was lifted simply by giving it a name which opened up all these resources. Given your screen name, this is probably the case for you too. We are no longer alone in the confusion of our marriage even if, ironically, we can't share this with our spouses.

I also began "self care," which I had neglected for so long. This felt and still feels really good!

One year out from my epiphany, in some ways my marriage is worse because my husband reacts negatively against my newfound freedom, taking care of myself, and the limits I'm now observing to keep myself healthy. Yet I am far more healthy and free than I was a year ago.

I find the recommended skills (on this website and from books) challenging to practice, but I am learning a lot.

While I've not (yet?) seen much positive change in my husband, I can see changes I've made affecting my children in wonderful ways. For instance, they used to "fall apart" when my husband dysregulated. Now, based on what they see me modeling, they might briefly listen and show some concern but then return to whatever they were doing and not let his gripes against the world ruin their entire day.