Sharing my story

[RunningMan]

I know my story my sound crazy, and upon writing it, it's probably clear that I need to walk away.  But, that is much easier said than done.

In the past year and half I have been seeing my ex-wife.  We were together and married from 2007-2011.  She is not officially diagnosed but I strongly suspect she has something like BPD.  This is a tumultuous relationship, extreme mood swings, quick changes of mood, and pushing/pulling.  We are in our 40s and I am the longest surviving/friend partner.  Everyone else in her life has been pushed away.

When we were married, we had it all.  I bought us a house and we had good jobs; she had a horse.  We were surrounded by family in the same town.  Yet none of this made her happy long-term.  She finally divorced me in 2011.  I think the last straw was that I wouldn't cast aside my family on Xmas, to solely be with her and her family. There was no empathy and no possible way to compromise on any of it.  When she left, she just said she "wanted the pain to stop."  The divorce was quick, no fighting, and no money changed hands.

Ten years later, I run into her again.  I never imagined I'd speak to her, but she became friendly.  Over the course of a year, we spent some time together, as friends. We'd work on some of her projects from work together.  In the time we split, she had two children, now 3 and 5.  Of course, the father was no longer in the picture, and never will be.  Eventually, we got closer and it seemed like we had a relationship.  I had no experience with kids, but I learned.  The kids were absolutely wild, like nothing I had ever seen, they drove her crazy.  I would see mood swings in her parenting from minute to minute.  Yelling, then laughing, punishing, crying, then hugging.  The children mirror this.  Neither, I, nor the kids knew what to expect.  It is a bad scene. I know how hard it can be for one working woman to raise two kids, so I joined in.  I did hour after hour of babysitting, trying to help.

Because of the children's behaviour, even though she is surrounded by family, no one will babysit.  That means we rarely get to go out as a couple.  I accepted that.  When I re-met her, I knew it was her and the kids; I don't have any of my own, but I'm happy to learn, join in, and help her.  I'd relieve her and watch the kids so she could go out shopping, or just have time to herself.  And for a year, it has been good at times.  I have helped the children, and they certainly like me.  She has her own place one town over, and I still have the house we lived in.  Once again, it seems like we have a workable situation to see where this could go.

However, we are now in the almost 1 year state of us all being together.  The old traits are emerging.  I get it, everyone's on their best behaviour when things are new again.  I'm now right back to where I was 10 years ago.  The mood swings are once again directed at me.  When she is in a good mood, I hear from her 2 times a day and she is positive, upbeat and looking forward to things.  When she is stressed and down, she has said to me many times, "Why do you stick around with me and my kids.  It's overwhelming. I can't see why you'd want to stay." I have assured her countless times, that I would never just leave or abandon her.  I'm in. I've proven it. I've been there at 6am when she needed me, or 11 pm when she needed to go to the hospital.  Countless times I've been there.

Things are now getting worse and worse.  Early Feb, she said we were perfect for each other, and the classic line, "You're the only person to really understand me." So, I figure, ok, this is really a relationship again, I can count on it. Though, I think this was mainly a setup, because a week later she hinted that all of us should live together as one, in my house.  I have a busy life, too, and sometimes there I things I need to do for work, or to pursue my hobbies/interest.  I understand that I can't live a single man's life, and hope to have a relationship with a mother of 2, but I have, and can continue to compromise. If I have something that will tie me up for part of the day, I offer to babysit for the other 1/2, so she also gets time to do what she'd like.  All that was fine for a few months, but now it no longer is.  It's getting worse and worse.  I seemingly have to be available 24/7 in case she'd like to do something.  Though this makes little sense, because due to how the children act, it is very difficult to take them out to eat, events, etc.  We are mainly at home or a family member's house.  Other times, she's overstressed, and I don't even see them that day/night.  But, I don't know, maybe for me to be with a single mother, I do need to drop the things I do.  I don't know; I constantly question myself.

I said or did something 3 weeks ago that triggered her, and as a result, she has gone quiet and cold.  Repeated attempts to reach out go unread.  It hurts.  Everything I read tells me to walk away.  My own brain tells me to walk away.  Yet, here I am. 90% of me just assumes she has broken up and left me.  So, that's it, I never see her or the kids again?  She has gone quiet many times over the past year, but each time it seems to hurt me worse.  I realize I have a host of my own problems staying through all this, but I remember the good times, and I think of what could be.  For now, I'm going to give it a few more days, and then reach out again.   

Thank you for reading all this.  I'm considering getting a counselor to talk to.  It's been 3 weeks of hell and I don't know what my next move should be.  It is comforting to read what others have done and how they have coped.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Definitely find a therapist, preferably someone who is familiar with BPD. Otherwise you might get advice that is really unsuitable for your situation.

Do not give up on your own life choices and the things that are important for you. It does no one any benefit to sacrifice who you are and is counterproductive to any relationship you might have.

You are seeing the same unsustainable patterns that ended your marriage. She wanted you to give up your family then, now she wants you to give up your lifestyle.

Your head and your heart are at odds. Don’t do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Listen to the wisdom you’ve accumulated through your life experience.

[SinisterComplex]

I know my story my sound crazy, and upon writing it, it's probably clear that I need to walk away.  But, that is much easier said than done.

In the past year and half I have been seeing my ex-wife.  We were together and married from 2007-2011.  She is not officially diagnosed but I strongly suspect she has something like BPD.  This is a tumultuous relationship, extreme mood swings, quick changes of mood, and pushing/pulling.  We are in our 40s and I am the longest surviving/friend partner.  Everyone else in her life has been pushed away.

When we were married, we had it all.  I bought us a house and we had good jobs; she had a horse.  We were surrounded by family in the same town.  Yet none of this made her happy long-term.  She finally divorced me in 2011.  I think the last straw was that I wouldn't cast aside my family on Xmas, to solely be with her and her family. There was no empathy and no possible way to compromise on any of it.  When she left, she just said she "wanted the pain to stop."  The divorce was quick, no fighting, and no money changed hands.

Ten years later, I run into her again.  I never imagined I'd speak to her, but she became friendly.  Over the course of a year, we spent some time together, as friends. We'd work on some of her projects from work together.  In the time we split, she had two children, now 3 and 5.  Of course, the father was no longer in the picture, and never will be.  Eventually, we got closer and it seemed like we had a relationship.  I had no experience with kids, but I learned.  The kids were absolutely wild, like nothing I had ever seen, they drove her crazy.  I would see mood swings in her parenting from minute to minute.  Yelling, then laughing, punishing, crying, then hugging.  The children mirror this.  Neither, I, nor the kids knew what to expect.  It is a bad scene. I know how hard it can be for one working woman to raise two kids, so I joined in.  I did hour after hour of babysitting, trying to help.

Because of the children's behaviour, even though she is surrounded by family, no one will babysit.  That means we rarely get to go out as a couple.  I accepted that.  When I re-met her, I knew it was her and the kids; I don't have any of my own, but I'm happy to learn, join in, and help her.  I'd relieve her and watch the kids so she could go out shopping, or just have time to herself.  And for a year, it has been good at times.  I have helped the children, and they certainly like me.  She has her own place one town over, and I still have the house we lived in.  Once again, it seems like we have a workable situation to see where this could go.

However, we are now in the almost 1 year state of us all being together.  The old traits are emerging.  I get it, everyone's on their best behaviour when things are new again.  I'm now right back to where I was 10 years ago.  The mood swings are once again directed at me.  When she is in a good mood, I hear from her 2 times a day and she is positive, upbeat and looking forward to things.  When she is stressed and down, she has said to me many times, "Why do you stick around with me and my kids.  It's overwhelming. I can't see why you'd want to stay." I have assured her countless times, that I would never just leave or abandon her.  I'm in. I've proven it. I've been there at 6am when she needed me, or 11 pm when she needed to go to the hospital.  Countless times I've been there.

Things are now getting worse and worse.  Early Feb, she said we were perfect for each other, and the classic line, "You're the only person to really understand me." So, I figure, ok, this is really a relationship again, I can count on it. Though, I think this was mainly a setup, because a week later she hinted that all of us should live together as one, in my house.  I have a busy life, too, and sometimes there I things I need to do for work, or to pursue my hobbies/interest.  I understand that I can't live a single man's life, and hope to have a relationship with a mother of 2, but I have, and can continue to compromise. If I have something that will tie me up for part of the day, I offer to babysit for the other 1/2, so she also gets time to do what she'd like.  All that was fine for a few months, but now it no longer is.  It's getting worse and worse.  I seemingly have to be available 24/7 in case she'd like to do something.  Though this makes little sense, because due to how the children act, it is very difficult to take them out to eat, events, etc.  We are mainly at home or a family member's house.  Other times, she's overstressed, and I don't even see them that day/night.  But, I don't know, maybe for me to be with a single mother, I do need to drop the things I do.  I don't know; I constantly question myself.

I said or did something 3 weeks ago that triggered her, and as a result, she has gone quiet and cold.  Repeated attempts to reach out go unread.  It hurts.  Everything I read tells me to walk away.  My own brain tells me to walk away.  Yet, here I am. 90% of me just assumes she has broken up and left me.  So, that's it, I never see her or the kids again?  She has gone quiet many times over the past year, but each time it seems to hurt me worse.  I realize I have a host of my own problems staying through all this, but I remember the good times, and I think of what could be.  For now, I'm going to give it a few more days, and then reach out again.   

Thank you for reading all this.  I'm considering getting a counselor to talk to.  It's been 3 weeks of hell and I don't know what my next move should be.  It is comforting to read what others have done and how they have coped.

So Ben Richards...as in Arnold Schwarzenegger (yes an ode to the Running Man...even if that isn't the point behind the name just having some fun with you ;-).)

Well my friend...I just want to say your story isn't crazy and don't go into the dark hole of thinking that you are or your situation is. Your story is very common to us here on this board. So you picked the right place. We get it and we understand.

I will also backup my teammate Cat on this in recommending that you see a therapist but it has to be one whom specialized in BPD or odds are you will be wasting your time and money. Not only that but seeing the wrong therapist may do harm to you than good. Mental health professionals wield a lot of power and can really affect people that is why it is so important to do your due diligence on finding the right person to work with.

In the meantime please stick with us and feel free to share as much as you like. We are fam here.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-