Recognising my need to assert boundaries VS fear of hurting people

[Goldcrest]

Something I have really noticed in the last year, and finally taken responsibility for is my absolute difficulty asserting boundaries. It hit me recently, when a chap where I work gave me a hug (he is married) but then he was kissing me on the top of the head and telling me he had been expecting a Christmas snog (I avoided him at Christmas when I knew he was working). I KNEW I was being taken advantage of and I have been there many times before, especially as a child and young woman. I honestly believe there is something about me that makes men believe they can simply touch me without negative consequences.

In that moment for me, two things happen...One, my life is very devoid of touch, my ex-husband did not desire me (said he could see I was attractive but wasn't attracted to me) so part of me I think likes the attention. Two, I am afraid to say NO because some small part of me fears that person will turn nasty and also I am afraid of hurting their feelings. SO, my solution is then to avoid being alone with them and I get very triggered. I literally ruminate constantly that they will come after me and before I know it they will force themselves on to me. I am guessing this comes from my experience of my mother engulfing me and the Paedophille boyfriend who groomed me into a sexual relationship at 15. I never felt I had a choice, I always felt I was a possession to be taken.

Does anyone else relate to poor boundaries? I am thinking all this through because I am separating from my husband and one of my anxieties is that a man will come along and take possession of me. It is a real night terror for me. I also fear my ex-husband will try to take ownership of me again, he often says he worries about me and thinks I will be vunerable on my own.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Goldcrest !

I think I understand what you mean.

For me, when a guy is inappropriate, I immediately freeze. I panic inside, I don't feel well, and my body freezes.

And I think it goes back to the past abuse I went through.. this is the only response my body seems to know when it comes to flirt and inappropriate touching.

I wished often to be able to say something, to move but I just freeze. And I am working on It, to be more assertive. I started by shaming men that found it ok to make sexual jokes at work about me, like : "I will do you", said about opening a box with a knife but with a quirky smile and a flirty attitude. I told him: "I understand your underlying meaning here and I don't find it funny."  It helped to start with inappropriate joke, and I am hoping I will be able to call out inappropriate touches at some point.

I don't think that they pick up a vibe or anything... A lot of men think it ok to act this way, like a game, and looking at statistics, I think one woman on two experiences this kind of behaviors. Some men also assume that a woman being nice is interested, which complicate matters further.

When those touches and joke are done one upon those of us who suffered sexual abuse,   the issue is we question ourselves, our own reaction, maybe we have a "vibe". But it's not on you, it's on him.

And I do understand the fear of it escalating... I've done that. Accepted a man because I was alone with him, felt stuck, and he insisted after I said no, and I found it easier to dissociate and let him have his way, than risk a full blown rape. It sounds bad, but it is how I survived, and basically the easiest way out for me and my own survival.

I'm sorry I cannot help you more but I did want you to know you are not alone going through this.

Also, what your ex-husband says makes me shiver... It sounds predatory and controlling. Be cautious of people who  want you to feel small and vulnerable.

[Goldcrest]

Riv3rW0lf Thank you, that all makes sense and yes I too have got myself in to some awful situations where I knew the safest thing to do was to comply. I am sorry for what you have been through too  

I am slowly waking up to stuff in my relationship with my ex-husband. We have been together for 25 years with a two year break after a year of marriage that ended in divorce. The last 17 years or so we have lived together as partners but I have been unhappy for a lot of it. I experienced the relationship as very withholding on lots of levels. I think because I have a tendency to take responsibility for stuff it has left me vulnerable at times to being exploited. I ended the relationship finally because I knew I was unhappy and that it would never improve. I saw the fantasy bond for what it was. One thing that I could never get over was the inequality with shared responsibilities, I would do pretty much all the household stuff and although my husband earned many times more than me, our money was separate and all bills were split evenly down the middle. If I tried to tackle him about this, his shame response was really strong and he would have a knack of flipping arguments, I would get triggered and then eventually apologise for upsetting him. Once I finally saw this repeated pattern throughout our relationship, and sat with the hurt, I realised I had to move on. I still live with him at the moment, in a house he has bought with his money. I am trying to finance a small place for myself but this is proving a challenge. I know I haven't been easy to love but my main gripe is that my ex-husband found his own shame impossible to own and work on. Without a shared openness to change the relationship just felt really toxic.

I am particularly vulnerable at the moment because I am trying to establish a new life for myself and no contact with my mother. I believe in myself, I am pretty resilient, that's why it hurts when my ex-husband suggests I might struggle on my own. I have done it before and it was the greatest period of growth in my life but I went back to him after a year.

The boundaries thing can be something as simple as asking my ex-husband not to come into my room (we have separate rooms) and lie on my bed while I am at my desk working in the room. It is really triggering for me. The other day I made this request and I could see it hurt his feelings. I immediately feel really, really bad, I start to feel I should go and apologise or make it better some how. THIS is just a tiny example of how I would avoid saying what I wanted for fear of upsetting the person I'm asking. Of course this is because as a child my mother would either ignore, belittle or get irritated by any requests or needs we had.

[Riv3rW0lf]

We do tend to repeat the dynamics we know... If all we ever knew was being discarded, shamed and forced into compliance, that's our "safe zone", even though it is not a safe zone at all.

The fact that you were able to see the dynamics in your relationships to contemplate your hurt and to want to change it is a tribute to your resilience and your will to live.

I don't know you in real life, but somehow I believe in you. The anonymous part of this website allows us to be and say who we truly are, and so, in some way, I feel I am seeing the real you when you write on here and, I do believe you are much stronger than, maybe, you allow yourself to be in your life.

I understand wanting to appease and carry the pain of others. Its how we were raised, and it is very hard to change this kind of wiring. But the fact that you are aware of it is 90% of the battle, because now you can see yourself doing it and stop yourself, value your own needs instead of carrying the needs of others.

A good, responsible person will not try to make you carry their weight. They will take responsibility for themselves and respect your decisions. It was a simple request : "do not come in my room and lay on my bed while I work." I would not have been hurt by that. I'd have understood. My toddler understands that... He might have abandonment/rejection schemes he is acting on, maybe he was hurt, but again: this is not your weight to carry, you have enough on your plate and it wasn't rejection, just a simple, very reasonable request for privacy.

Allow yourself the right to be. I believe, one step at a time, it will become easier. The more we do it, the more natural it becomes.

I also struggled with the household chores separation... Even this morning, H woke up at 8, while I woke up at 6 with both children. I cleaned, made breakfast. He came up, went to shower and was about to go back downstairs when I asked him for fifteen minutes to do something quickly and important for work before he leaves, alone, for a nice walk in the wood around 10am. And he started being all grumpy, got mad.

I used to feel this anger directed toward me, but now that I allowed myself to live and validate my own anger, I see it for what it is: just anger directed at the fact he cannot do what he had in mind of doing at that precise moment.

Anger was directed at us so often when we were young, that now we fear it. And so, even knowing his anger is his and safe and that he wouldn't discharge it on me, I told him: "Nevermind" and didn't try to assert myself, because this morning, I felt out of myself, I am tired and have lot on my mind with BPDm. But my husband is safe, and so, even pissed, he knew I was right and he gave me not only time to work, but also time to workout while he drank his coffee with his children, a time they all enjoyed together. Workout helped me put my mind back at peace.

This is just to show that it is also a battle for me everytime he shows anger.  Like you, I default to codependent behaviors... But he is safe, and our relationship improved my happiness level over time and he helps me become more assertive, despite his anger and maybe even because of his "safe anger". If being with your ex-husband is draining, and if it feels like being pulled down instead of up, then I think you are making the right call by leaving to find yourself.

And I do believe that when we decide to help ourselves, to heal, to find ourselves, the universe helps us, and so, you will not be alone. Look around, help is often closer than we think, sometimes it is not human help, but help nonetheless. 

Hug

[Goldcrest]

Riv3erWOif Thank you  

I don't know you in real life, but somehow I believe in you. The anonymous part of this website allows us to be and say who we truly are, and so, in some way, I feel I am seeing the real you when you write on here and, I do believe you are much stronger than, maybe, you allow yourself to be in your life

That means a lot, the above. Being open and honest has always been a trait I value in myself and others but I see now it causes me to get abused by some people in my life. It has been hard for me to have to filter my thoughts and feelings a bit more in everyday life, writing here though I feel I can be open again.

It was really helpful to read your scenario in your relationship with your husband and the sharing of responsibilities. I can see now I have always been easily triggered by unfairness, my brother and I have talked about this a lot recently. We were slaves to our mother and her neglect (and rage) of our needs at times was shocking. Now if I am in a situation where I feel I am being taken advantage of I do get in touch with my anger. I can see how my husband is very subtle in his avoidance of responsibilities. If the dog needs to go out he will sit on the sofa and say "the dog is crying and needs to go out". He will not just get up and do the job. He is waiting for me to automatically sort the problem. This I have notice plays out in lots of ways and now I am finally catching it. He is confident I will either sort the problem or my old response might be passive/aggressive (I will do the task but make a comment about him not doing it) to which he can become victimised, I then have to apologise.

If being with your ex-husband is draining, and if it feels like being pulled down instead of up, then I think you are making the right call by leaving to find yourself.

Yes, it is horribly draining. I have a gut feeling that I it is much worse than I am allowing myself to accept. I can't quite see the full picture yet.

And I do believe that when we decide to help ourselves, to heal, to find ourselves, the universe helps us, and so, you will not be alone. Look around, help is often closer than we think, sometimes it is not human help, but help nonetheless.  

I needed to read the above. I am desperately trying to finance my own home. Again the financial inequality in our relationship has meant that for me this will a challenge. My ex-husband was able to save a large sum of money during our relationship because our earnings were not shared (and we were divorced for most of it, so I have no right to it). I can get quite bitter about this but I need to let it go. It has a sort of parallel to my mother and her holding on to all my dads money. I made decisions when we were together that were detrimental to my happiness but to please him, that's on me. Once I can find a home of my own and settle I can start to build some boundaries and really pin down the values that matter to me, what I want for myself, what I won't tolerate from others. I do tell myself every day, the universe is watching and will help you if you keep pushing forward, for your self and have trust.