Still hurting after breaking up

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I wanted to put this out there about my experience.I met somebody 2 years ago. She seemed to view me as a savior, and the relationship took off fast. Four months later, she moved in. The bonding was magic. But I started to see some type of control being pushed upon me. Who can come over, how to spend my money, calling me several times per day while she was at work. I noticed that her verbal usage began to change. She began to get hostile over small things such as what I cooked, where I spend my time such as on the computer, and so forth. We were living together with me taking care of my mom. Sadly, my mom passed. My bpd girlfriend then took on the role as house boss. During this time, I began to stand up to her. There were several arguments, and she called the police with what appeared as playing the victim. No charges came about, the police knew that something was not right. Arguments continued, then she would be nice a few hours later. By now, she began to record what I would say, but turn off the recording when she yelled. I was belittled with words beyond belief. By now, the threats escalated. The arguments were now about her paying half the bills, or how she let the house get into such a mess while I was in the hospital due to catching Covid after I got my shots. Throughout the relationship, I was always there to listen to her pains, and act as a massage person. Being the cook, doing the chores, and anything else to comfort her. By now, the threats continued, the denial of sex, her sleeping in another room that she viewed as punishment. I also tried talking to her about her self cutting, going to different places to get meds, and not to drink when out of site. Earlier in the relationship, she could not get enough of me. By now, I just kept on getting pushed away as almost as I were the enemy. The day came in February of 2022 where she placed a tracker on my vehicle. She did not believe that I was at my friends house, and accused me of cheating. She got so irate, that she threatened me with a restraining order as payback. I let it go, but the threat continued for the next 2 days. After she threatened to go after my friends being that she had the location, that was the final straw. I had her removed from my house via restraining order. It hurt, but I could not take anymore. Where she went or where she lives is unknown. I decided that no contact is best due to her threats and playing victim that everything was always my fault. I went above and beyond to help her. All of her aches and pains, giving up my interests to spend time with her, basically bowing down as if I were her servant. When she left, I discovered that she had several other relationships that she got revenge by filing protection orders as if she wanted to ruin these guys. Always the guys fault. Every guy except me fell to her doom. This information was discovered on the court docs that she left behind. Although I knew that she had problems with meds, self harm, mental issues, those documents gave me some relief that I was not the first, that she has ongoing substance issues, and self harming. It’s been 2 months, but I feel an emptiness. Part of me still misses her. I keep telling myself that I was just another pawn along her journey of short lived relationships. A few weeks after she left, I called her ex husband to help me shed light on things being that he has custody of their kids. When he told me that she was diagnosed with borderline, I spent hours on the computer reading about it. From what I read, it was almost as if the articles were based off of what happened in my house. There has been no contact from her. I feel that I was nothing to her, and that she moved on. Why do I still miss her? Was it because that I felt needed for being her caretaker? I just want to move forward and accept that I could not do anything because of her condition. I am the one that feels used and tossed aside.

[Bvcruiser]

I wanted to put this out there about my experience.I met somebody 2 years ago. She seemed to view me as a savior, and the relationship took off fast. Four months later, she moved in. The bonding was magic. But I started to see some type of control being pushed upon me. Who can come over, how to spend my money, calling me several times per day while she was at work. I noticed that her verbal usage began to change. She began to get hostile over small things such as what I cooked, where I spend my time such as on the computer, and so forth. We were living together with me taking care of my mom. Sadly, my mom passed. My bpd girlfriend then took on the role as house boss. During this time, I began to stand up to her. There were several arguments, and she called the police with what appeared as playing the victim. No charges came about, the police knew that something was not right. Arguments continued, then she would be nice a few hours later. By now, she began to record what I would say, but turn off the recording when she yelled. I was belittled with words beyond belief. By now, the threats escalated. The arguments were now about her paying half the bills, or how she let the house get into such a mess while I was in the hospital due to catching Covid after I got my shots. Throughout the relationship, I was always there to listen to her pains, and act as a massage person. Being the cook, doing the chores, and anything else to comfort her. By now, the threats continued, the denial of sex, her sleeping in another room that she viewed as punishment. I also tried talking to her about her self cutting, going to different places to get meds, and not to drink when out of site. Earlier in the relationship, she could not get enough of me. By now, I just kept on getting pushed away as almost as I were the enemy. The day came in February of 2022 where she placed a tracker on my vehicle. She did not believe that I was at my friends house, and accused me of cheating. She got so irate, that she threatened me with a restraining order as payback. I let it go, but the threat continued for the next 2 days. After she threatened to go after my friends being that she had the location, that was the final straw. I had her removed from my house via restraining order. It hurt, but I could not take anymore. Where she went or where she lives is unknown. I decided that no contact is best due to her threats and playing victim that everything was always my fault. I went above and beyond to help her. All of her aches and pains, giving up my interests to spend time with her, basically bowing down as if I were her servant. When she left, I discovered that she had several other relationships that she got revenge by filing protection orders as if she wanted to ruin these guys. Always the guys fault. Every guy except me fell to her doom. This information was discovered on the court docs that she left behind. Although I knew that she had problems with meds, self harm, mental issues, those documents gave me some relief that I was not the first, that she has ongoing substance issues, and self harming. It’s been 2 months, but I feel an emptiness. Part of me still misses her. I keep telling myself that I was just another pawn along her journey of short lived relationships. A few weeks after she left, I called her ex husband to help me shed light on things being that he has custody of their kids. When he told me that she was diagnosed with borderline, I spent hours on the computer reading about it. From what I read, it was almost as if the articles were based off of what happened in my house. There has been no contact from her. I feel that I was nothing to her, and that she moved on. Why do I still miss her? Was it because that I felt needed for being her caretaker? I just want to move forward and accept that I could not do anything because of her condition. I am the one that feels used and tossed aside.

[harbinger70]

You feel "used and tossed aside" because to someone with BPD, you are essentially an object. They attach to others quickly and intensely because they crave emotional and physical intimacy. But once they have it, something goes awry in their thinking and they begin to reject and devalue their significant other. And it can happen for literally any reason - some of the examples listed on this site and others are remarkably asinine or seemingly insignificant. My ex told me, among other things, that I was immature because I asked her for her advice on which bleach to buy to clean my bathtub. Yeah.

And just as quickly as they attached to you, they detach and move on to someone else very, very quickly. More and more, thanks to dating sites and social media, they usually line up replacements before ending the current relationship (this is monkey-branching, and it sure as hell is cheating, even if it's only exchanging messages). And if you're the one who ends the relationship - which in your case, this is what happened - then they might stalk you or threaten you or try to contact you weeks/months/years later. In fact, from what I've read, most people with BPD will recycle their exes at some point. But some don't. In my humble opinion, I think if you live somewhere rural or remote, the chances increase. If you're in a big city, they decrease, because there are more options for your ex to choose from.

But guess what? The next person who gets involved with your ex is going to go through the same traumatic nonsense that you did. They'll get put on a pedestal, feel amazing, and of course the sex will be great... but that's not how healthy relationships work. What you had was not a healthy relationship, by any means. You miss those good times, and the person you THOUGHT your ex was. They are the person you kicked out of your house. For me, it was the person who insulted me and refused to even discuss resolving anything, when she swore she'd never do that. That was the real ex. And we deserve better.

[Bvcruiser]

The part that hurts most is that 2 years was spent with this person and I failed to see the red flags. I overheard her on a phone call where her own mother told her not to come home being that nobody wants her there. I also ignored the fact that she has been several relationships before me, and those ended up with her using the courts as some type of revenge to file protection orders. Personally, when I first became the subject of her tantrums and hostility, I should have ended it at that time. However, I had hopes that things would change and that the hostilities and words used towards me were my fault. I also point out that substance abuse (prescription) medications, cutting, and suicidal thoughts were something that I could convince her not to do. I guess what bothers me at this point is did I miss something or should have tried harder? Could I have overcome her tantrums and victim mentality? In one way, I feel like a caretaker who lost their patient to another provider.