At my wit's end & feeling depleted

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,
First post here...feeling hesitant but really in need of support.
My spouse of 20+ yrs has BPD traits that have only recently been identified as such.  Now I'm reading all I can about it, and recognizing that I've been on the receiving end of gaslighting and invalidation for a long time, and that I've actually started mirroring that and invalidating my spouse as well as others (close colleagues) in my life.  I feel sick to think I've put onto others what I've been experiencing.  And I'm exhausted by this relationship.  I have a lot of other support around me (including a therapist), I can learn to set better boundaries and use more effective communication strategies, but I'm not sure I can open my heart to trust him again.  I feel a lot of resentment at this point.  We were seeing a couple's counselor, but he was triggered by the work and decided to bow out.  Now what? 

[mariposa_azul]

Hi,
First post here...feeling hesitant but really in need of support.
My spouse of 20+ yrs has BPD traits that have only recently been identified as such.  Now I'm reading all I can about it, and recognizing that I've been on the receiving end of gaslighting and invalidation for a long time, and that I've actually started mirroring that and invalidating my spouse as well as others (close colleagues) in my life.  I feel sick to think I've put onto others what I've been experiencing.  And I'm exhausted by this relationship.  I have a lot of other support around me (including a therapist), I can learn to set better boundaries and use more effective communication strategies, but I'm not sure I can open my heart to trust him again.  I feel a lot of resentment at this point.  We were seeing a couple's counselor, but he was triggered by the work and decided to bow out.  Now what? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you want to try and repair the relationship or are you thinking about ending it? We have different boards for either option.

[mariposa_azul]

Thanks @Cat Familiar. It's not clear to me whether repair is possible. We're caught in such unhealthy patterns and there's much individual healing work to be done (he's just begun therapy with new understanding of his childhood traumas).  We have a teen son still at home, and I'd prefer to keep the family intact until his high school graduation (15 months from now). This adds to the difficulty for me - being in a place of in-between options - not fitting into either of the boards.

[Cat Familiar]

You can post on both the Conflicted and the Bettering, depending upon how you feel a particular day. The advice you’ll get will be different however.

So, after your son graduates, do you feel like this might be a time when you might want to try a separation?

It really helps to write out the pros and cons, the entanglements, what you fear, what you hope for. So many of us have been in your shoes and can assist you with questions that might come up.

[once removed]

what are the primary issues/conflicts youre experiencing?

[zondolit]

Welcome, mariposa! A year ago I went through something similar: I learned about BPD and suddenly my long-term marriage made sense where it had been confusing before. I went through so many emotions. It was clarifying and validating--"so THAT'S why this has been so difficult!"--yet also maddening, sad, grief-filled, frustrating, and fearful--"so my spouse's behavior isn't likely going to get better?" Like you, I was sickened by the role I'd been playing.

But that's a great realization because we can immediately stop playing the game! I did, and I'll never go back. Whether or not you stay together, you now recognize the dysfunction and can decide to no longer play a part in supporting it.

Taking better care of myself--remembering what I like and what is important to me and putting these back into my life (even after decades, even despite push-back from my spouse)--was freeing and something you should do whether you stay married or not.

[alterK]

If you have a therapist you are certainly working with them to try to find answers to your questions. One thing you should not expect is help from your spouse. If he truly has BPD he will have very little ability to cope with that kind of stress and will just respond by blaming you. You will be lucky if joint counseling produces any positive results either.

On the other hand, if you have been reading you will have learned about changes you can make in your own behavior that may in time get some response from him. That is something you can try, but it takes a lot of learning on your part, and a lot of patience.

[mariposa_azul]

I'm already feeling a sense of reassurance being in community with others who've been down similar roads. Thank you! Not sure if there's a way to reply to individual messages.

@CatFamiliar, yes, to be honest, I feel like separation may be the most sane thing for all of us. I wonder if doing so even before our son graduates might be better for him and for me.

Can you say more about 'entanglements?' What do you mean by that?  Triggers?

[mariposa_azul]

@Zondolit - thank you! That's helpful perspective and so nice to hear.  I agree, so much of the pain I'd been trying to figure out over the years now makes sense in light of what I'm learning about cluster B traits. I can see how awareness and knowledge make new options possible.

My partner is at his core a kind, caring, supportive man. He has been a caring, devoted father to our boys.  He is loving, and he is in deep personal pain. He struggles with alcohol use/overuse.  He experiences high levels of anxiety (untreated) then swings into deep depressions (he stopped medication by choice). 

Primary issues/conflicts from my perspective:  roller coaster of emotional outbursts or depressive isolation, cutting off relationships with family and friends, anxiety that makes going out to public events uncomfortable or result in us fighting, anxiety that makes travel (one of my favorite activities) almost unbearable to do with him.  I feel often like I don't recognize the man I'm living with.

[zondolit]

Likewise, my husband when regulated is a loving, caring, supportive man and father.

Here is how I have dealt with some of your issues:

--Emotional outbursts. I remain calm (except for those times I do loose it!), try to show some empathy and curiosity, and then return to whatever I was doing or want to do. I don't take on his emotions as I used to. I generally keep the interaction short. It can be discomfiting knowing he is in pain and I'm enjoying a walk or something. It is also freeing. His emotions are his.

--Cutting off relationships. Once I saw how I was somewhat isolated, I determined I would create and strengthen relationships outside my marriage. Now despite his negative opinions about a friend/family member, I simply acknowledge that that is how he feels and then proceed to say I'm arranging to see them and he is welcome to join if he likes. (Or sometimes I do not invite him.)

--Anxiety that makes travel together almost unbearable. In our case, we have trouble planning trips. I've started to go on trips without him.

I made the mistake of changing too many things at once! I suggest you think about what is most important to you, start there and then make gradual additional changes.

All of the above changes brought increased negative responses from my husband, so be ready for that possibility. Having this group, a therapist, friends, etc. who you can check in with--"Is what I'm doing reasonable?"--is essential. Because your husband will likely find your changes highly unreasonable. They are big changes and will take some time to adjust to.

Listening to your own emotions, needs, and desires is also essential. If you are like me, you are out of practice with this but it is something that can be (re-)learned!

[Cat Familiar]

Can you say more about 'entanglements?' What do you mean by that?  Triggers?

By entanglements, I mean all those pesky details such as who is paying the mortgage, who stays in the house, who gets custody of the animals, the family heirlooms, the cars, etc.

[mariposa_azul]

I'm appreciating the input from all of you.  Thank you! 

I don't take on his emotions as I used to. I generally keep the interaction short. It can be discomfiting knowing he is in pain and I'm enjoying a walk or something. It is also freeing. His emotions are his.

This is a big piece of the work I need to focus on...letting his emotions be his, and not trying to lighten the load by carrying some of them, or trying to 'make it better.'  I'm choosing to focus on my needs, my emotions, and working on stating what's true for me without needing to explain or justify.  (I just learned about JADE from another post - good reminder!)

I feel a pull to share some of what I'm learning about BPD with him - of course only when he's regulated and interested in understanding his patterns.  For now, though, I'm saying nothing.  The couples counselor we were seeing named BPD as an issue (she told me this, because he had stopped attending sessions).  I mentioned it once, he googled it and said ''No, that's not me."  Any suggestions around that?  Continue to stay mum and let it be his own discovery or not?

[Cat Familiar]

I feel a pull to share some of what I'm learning about BPD with him - of course only when he's regulated and interested in understanding his patterns.  For now, though, I'm saying nothing.  The couples counselor we were seeing named BPD as an issue (she told me this, because he had stopped attending sessions).  I mentioned it once, he googled it and said ''No, that's not me."  Any suggestions around that?  Continue to stay mum and let it be his own discovery or not?

NOO!  
Do not do this. People with BPD have tremendous shame and self loathing, though that may not always be obvious, since they often they project these feelings upon their partners.

It would be great if he wants to pursue self discovery and look at his dysfunctional patterns, but for you to share what you’re learning about BPD with him…that would feel like you were shaming him, and blaming him for the problems in your relationship.

Here’s an article that might be helpful whether or not you’re hoping he will participate in therapy: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[mariposa_azul]

Oy, it feels hard not to talk about it with my partner - my primary & long-term relationship - but I understand the impact it could have.  Got it.  Thanks for the article link.  I hadn't read that one, because he is seeing a therapist now for depression/anxiety, but I'm glad you pointed to it.  This is really hard.

[zondolit]

Yes, it is really hard. Not being able to share what you've learned directly with your spouse is part of the insidiousness of this disorder. I struggle with this a lot, even after a year. My therapist said there might be a time in the future where my husband would be receptive to knowing. I kind of hold on to this--think of it as a long process extending (for me, as a person of faith) even into the afterlife.

[Cat Familiar]

I get it. My husband has no idea about my *secret life* on this forum. Sometimes I will even have this page open while we’re sitting at the table after dinner. Of course I have a lot of other windows open that I can quickly shift to. He thinks I’m truly obsessed with Twitter, which I am. 

It does feel like it creates a wedge between us, but having tried to address his *issues* in the past has never gone well. So there’s already a *wedge* due to his mental illness.

The upside is that we now get along great, thanks to what I’ve learned here. When we do have problems that come up, I know how to not make things worse and everything returns to *normal* soon.

It’s heartbreaking to fully comprehend that our partners have an emotional deficit that they are unlikely to ever overcome and that limits our capacity for emotional intimacy, but here we are…

[mariposa_azul]

I just recently saw a reminder that "STRESS is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'.” (Eckhart Tolle).  I definitely feel the wish to have deeper emotional intimacy with my partner.  I wish we could be 'there.'  But maybe that's for another day, or year, or lifetime.  For now, I'm grateful for some lower levels of stress in our home, essentially made possible by much of what I've been learning about BPD and how to be in relationship to it.  And through hearing from others like you.

One more question...if my partner is undiagnosed and not aware of his BPD traits, how openly can I talk about it with friends & family?  Several people know we've been struggling as a couple, a few people know I've been considering leaving the marriage, and closest friends have asked how things are now.  I've been silent about it so far.  I'm not sure what to say...there are some mental health issues we're figuring out?  he has a personality disorder?  there's more here than just depression (which he's been pretty open about)?  What do you say to people in your circle of support?

   

[PeteWitsend]

Thanks @Cat Familiar. It's not clear to me whether repair is possible. We're caught in such unhealthy patterns and there's much individual healing work to be done (he's just begun therapy with new understanding of his childhood traumas).  We have a teen son still at home, and I'd prefer to keep the family intact until his high school graduation (15 months from now). This adds to the difficulty for me - being in a place of in-between options - not fitting into either of the boards.

You're likely going through the "5 Stages of Grief" after learning about all this; eventually, you'll figure out what you're going to do about it.  The "path forward" may not be easy though. 

To answer your other question about speaking about this openly to friends and family... my advice is limit the discussion to those you absolutely trust & ideally have little to no contact with your husband.  And if you're not sure they can keep a secret and help you vent, err on the side of caution and don't talk about it with them.

When I first learned about BPD, and that my ex-wife showed strong signs of it, I reached out to a close friend of mine who lived in another state, had never met my then-wife, and was a psychiatrist (so had helpful advice in this regard).  I also shared with a really close friend of mine who knew my wife, but I trusted.  Was helpful to have someone to vent to. 

I had family members that my XW had been extremely nasty to; I didn't tell them about BPD because I hoped things would eventually improve enough to be tolerable, and didn't want their judgment of my XW to be colored by that.  But I did let them know I understood my XW was unfair to them, and I didn't judge them or blame them for it, but I was in an awkward position due to her behavior.  They thanked me for that, b/c they said they were always worried my XW spoke for both of us, and they were "losing me" when she attacked them verbally.  It helped them ignore her, and not let her drag them down to the nasty mental place she was in

[zondolit]

if my partner is undiagnosed and not aware of his BPD traits, how openly can I talk about it with friends & family?

I've had to balance my need to talk with someone openly and frankly with not wanting to talk behind my husband's back.

With most people, I don't say anything I wouldn't say in front of my husband; I can say "we have a high conflict marriage" or be open about how we've tried marriage counseling. I do find it helpful to no longer maintain a facade that all is well in my marriage.

For talking openly, I have a therapist, this group, and I've chosen to share with my parents (who independently came to the conclusion my husband has uBPD). With a few friends I've openly shared traits and symptoms, but not mentioned any diagnosis or even mental illness.

Sharing with others who themselves have not experienced BPD behaviors can be difficult. My husband nearly invariably regulates himself around everyone but me, so others may have a hard time reconciling what I say with what they experience. And if they do believe me, it can turn them against my husband, which is something I also want to avoid.