The category this post belongs in doesn’t exactly exist, but I guess the relationships one makes most sense. Warning… this post could end up quite long!
I’m in a long term relationship - around 13 years, living together etc. In the last 6 months, I’ve used online sugar daddy/baby dating websites on and off, for online ‘arrangements’ with other girls. I haven’t done it loads and I’m not exactly very good at it - I’m not even that rich
. I realise it’s a form of cheating, and know that that’s not great, but hopefully people won’t judge too much and the main point of this is about someone I met with BPD through doing this.
I’d done this a couple of times and things often ended quite soon and didn’t get that involved. Then I met this particular person. It was unbelievable. We had so much fun… in terms of, you know, intimate messaging, pictures, videos etc. but also generally talking and getting to know each other, and I’d send her the odd gift every now and then. And she talked about how much she enjoy it, and liked me, and how much we had in common (which now seems like the idealisation/idolisation/mirroring phase I’ve read so much about). This lasted for a few weeks, we’d talk constantly, messaging, voice notes and phone calls. Very quickly she said she didn’t want to be sent any gifts anymore (looking back, unlike other people you come across on these kind of sites, it kind of seemed like she wasn’t doing it for financial reasons really - she had a decent job), and that it wasn’t about that for her anymore and that she actually really liked and fancied me, I was her dream man she told me and so on…
The more “intimate” stuff ended after a few weeks as she said about struggling with her mental health etc, and it soon became apparent she had BPD, which I asked her after suspicions and she said yes, plus potential investigation into bi-polar. But for the next few weeks we still spoke constantly, every day (or at least when I could, because of my home situation). But then during this time, there started to be odd occasions when she’d disappear for several hours when she wouldn’t normally, and then it became for a day. Or a couple of days. But there would always be an excuse or reason why. We arranged to meet in person a couple of times and then something came up at that time which meant we couldn’t, normally on her end. Anyway, she eventually kind of said that she was struggling with talking to me all the time because she really liked me and I wasn’t single, and I understand that, but we did keep talking, it just wasn’t always as regularly.
Then she disappeared for a couple of weeks, unexpectedly. I was messaging her every couple of days without reply during this time and then I sent her a long handwritten letter, and eventually, she replied, we arranged to talk on the phone, but it didn’t happen. Then a few days later, we did, and it turned out that she had been sectioned. I kind of freaked out over that… not because it necessarily bothered me about her and I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, but obviously I worried that things could come up that could effect my home life.
She messaged me a few days after she got out of the facility she’d been in just the once, and then a week or so later, when she’d started going back to work on a phased return, we spoke on the phone a couple of days running. And she sent the odd message in between, said she’d had a bad night and we’d talk on the phone again the next day, but then she didn’t ring, reply or answer. She disappeared again for a couple of weeks. I messaged her a few times in that time, with no reply. And then I finally got one. And it felt like a kind of amicable ending of things. She said she wishes we met under different circumstances etc and if anything changes for either of us in the future, to reconnect. I replied saying okay, I really really like you, and maybe things could have been different if we’d met in person etc. but respect that.
Flash forward a few weeks, I’d still be going on the sugar sites but was kind of losing interest in it - funnily enough, an awful amount of girls on those sites have mental health issues, including quite a few I spoke to with BPD - and I didn’t want to go down that path again of messing with anyone vulnerable - and was ready to give it up, when I came across her online on a different site to the one we originally met on. Of course I messaged her, and for the first time in like a month we had a somewhat proper conversation. And we both there and then, and in the couple of days that followed, said how we’d completely fallen for each other and wanted to meet in person to see if the connection and spark felt the same then.
Then she disappeared again, for a few days, then popped back up, and we made plans to meet. Yesterday, and again today, and on both occasions we had a firm plan then something her end came up for her. And now I’m kind of dejected… I haven’t messaged her, she was supposed to call me when she left a friend’s (who she went to see at the time we were meant to be meeting) to meet me afterwards, and that was 9 hours ago. I haven’t messaged since, as she clearly blew me out. And I think somewhat was planning to for the last few days. Or not necessarily planning to - I believe she did wanted to meet then when it got very close and real, she backtracked.
I mentioned on the phone to her this morning about her being on the sugar site yesterday for ages and ignoring my messages and calls while she was, and clearly that she was talking to and having intimate conversations with other people, and she kind of got funny with me for mentioning it. I guess, that was partly out of jealousy, that she’s doing that with other people and not me, but more so out of worry - when I look back, she gave me her home family address within like a day of knowing me when we first met, and I worry that if she’s still doing that, someone is going to turn up there and get aggressive, or start blackmailing her with her photos, videos etc. you hear and read all sorts about a lot of the kind of guys that are on these kinds of sites and I worry for her. And I’ve had a couple of scam/blackmail incidents myself and it’s not nice. I suspect she may have gone to meet someone from that site this afternoon and worry that something has happened to her as I haven’t heard from her and she hasn’t been online. Other people I’ve met on sites like that or things I’ve read have told me about people using date rape drugs and all sorts. I also think that, knowing what her mental health is like, doing the whole sugar dating things, where I’ve heard girls can get an awful lot of degrading, abusive messages from a lot of people, is really not great for her mental health. And I realised that that’s hypocritical as that’s how I met her, but I just really care about her, in fact think I love her, and I just want her to be happy and healthy and don’t know what to do about it.
So yeah, that’s kind of breaking like 5 months of knowing her down into a few paragraphs, and there’s probably lots I’ve missed, but I now don’t know what to do. Should I message her? Should I just leave it? Should I block her? We follow each other on a social media site that my partner doesn’t have but family and friends do - is she likely to contact them if she wants to spite me? I really really care about her and genuinely thought about us having a future together, and I’ve read a lot about how people with BPD can act in relationships, but obviously ours wasn’t a normal relationship, so should I just leave it and focus on making my actual long term relationship work? She hasn’t exactly done the BPD discard on me that you read about a lot, it’s more been sort of mini discards followed by reconnecting and getting on just as well, if not things feeling a little awkward because of how we both feel, or at least DID feel.
