Any advice for the younger sibling of a person with BPD?

[little_sister]

I would love to hear how others manage their relationships with BPD sibling(s). I'm at a loss.

She only takes from me, and it is never enough. I no longer want to give. Is there any off-ramp I can take without creating chaos? I would never accept behavior like hers from anyone else in my life. Setting limits and reinforcing boundaries is an extremely high emotional burden on me.

I feel that the only true solution is to go no contact, or as close to it as possible (our family is extremely close, so logistically it would be complicated -but not impossible). As scary as that could be, I think it would be worth it for the relief it would give me. I think by not going no contact, I'm placing her feelings above my own.

I disrespect myself by letting my fear of her control me. I hate how resentful I've become of myself for accommodating her because it's easier than standing up to her. I feel caught in a no-win situation. If I give an inch, she demands a mile. If I stand firm in my boundaries I suffer, too. I need to preserve my own sanity and identity.

[Goldcrest]

Hey little_sister I could have written the above about my mother. I am now 6 weeks in to no contact with my mum after a life time of abuse and distress from our relationship. No contact works but it has its own challenges. The positives of no contact for me have been many and without the toxicity of my mother/daughter relationship I feel well again. I had got to a point where I literally questioned if my mum was trying to destroy me through stress. How does the rest of family respond to your sister's behaviour, are they supportive of you?

[Ellala]

Hi little_sister,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this with your sister. It is challenging!

I went no contact with my younger brother for a while to focus on my own wellbeing and life. I think we didn't speak for a few years.  I set a boundary with him that lead to no contact….. years later, he eventually expressed anger/resentment towards me for being out of contact for so long… and a number of others things. Having had the space and growth, it didn't trigger me as much and I could validate and empathize with his feelings rather than take it personally…. this was all before I knew about BPD.

No contact gave me some distance and less entanglement in the relationship…. so when we eventually connected again, I could see the patterns more clearly and eventually they had less negative impact on me (not saying there aren't challenges). I have been able to be more honest, to communicate for myself, and accept things as they are.

At times, it has felt safer just to listen, rather than share openly about anything in my life or expecting a reciprocal connection. (Too many times things I had shared were twisted and somehow used to put me down or create a false narrative).

The relationship has been an exercise in boundaries for both of us and has evolved over time. We have both been in T.  When I feel myself getting entangled or the connection feels too negative, I step back again and stop communicating (for weeks or months)… without any drama… we just take space.  I can see now that I need to be stable and strong in me in order to show up the best in my relationships, especially with him.  My brother has started communicating for his boundaries as well.

I hear you on the no win situation… either way there is loss. I grieved a lot over the loss of the brother sister relationship I will probably never have.

What is it that feels the most challenging about standing firm in your boundaries?

[zachira]

You are wondering how others manage their relationship with a BPD sibling. Right now I am low contact with my brother with BPD and no contact with my sister with NPD. Because of ongoing legal and financial relationships with my siblings which my mother with BPD created so we would never abandon her, I am obligated to have some contact with my siblings until hopefully I can end these obligations legally at some point in the future. My heart goes out to you having a sister with BPD as it very unlikely she will ever have any empathy for you. I have found the key to managing my relationships with my disordered siblings is to have boundaries with them which include accepting that having empathy for me or ever apologizing for how badly they treat me will never happen. Like you, I am frustrated and hurt by how totally one sided the relationship is with my siblings, especially when it comes to my being the target of their emotional meltdowns and their need to have things their way all the time.   
Though there are many similarities in relationships with disordered siblings, it is really a very personal choice as to how to handle these types of dysfunctional realtionships and how you choose to deal with having a sibling with BPD can change. In other words, you do not have to make an irrevocable decision now. Do keep us posted as you navigate this and read other threads on this site. Many of the members on PSI including myself have been posting here for long periods of time as we grow and learn how to deal with our complicated distressing family relationships.   

[Mommydoc]

little_sister, welcome to the site. I could have written your post when I was new to this site. I have learned so much after reading Walking On Eggshells and participating on this site.

I disrespect myself by letting my fear of her control me. I hate how resentful I've become of myself for accommodating her because it's easier than standing up to her.

I felt the same way with my sister with uBPD, until I began to realize that accommodating her demands never worked anyway. She blamed me regardless, she raged regardless.  Accommodating her demands often conflicted with my own values, and made me feel exhausted and frustrated. Getting to a place where you have boundaries and speak your truth can be empowering and is much less draining.

I would never accept behavior like hers from anyone else in my life.

I absolutely agree with that, and it has been on ongoing conversation with my therapist and my immediate family. I have gone very LC but never NC. I love LC but unfortunately like Zachira because of legal financial ties I have I can’t go NC or even LC right now. I do fantasize about the possibility for myself in the futures. There are pros and cons. You will have to decide for yourself. Keep in mind what ever you decide today doesn’t have to be permanent. I completely agree with prioritizing yourself and part of that might be seeking the help of a therapist to help you sort out what is best for you right now.

I have found the resources on this site amazing and have read them over and over, as well as many of the books. I encourage you to invest time reading books and posts here. It is a very validating and safe community. Keep the focus on you, what you need, how you feel and how you react. I just posted an experience with my sister that went  well(relative term) . I attributed the success to avoiding JADE (justifying, arguing, defending or explaining) and using SET ( support, empathy, truth) communication frame work. The tools take a lot of practice. I am constantly learning and relearning, and realize I will always be a work in progress.

Good to see you Zachira! As always, your advice is spot on.

little_sister, I think going NC might be good for your soul right now. If you have to come back, the tools above are really great in managing difficult interactions.  At the end of the day, you won’t ever change her, you can only change your reaction to her.

[Oh Brother]

Hi Little Sister,

It's been a while since I posted or visited here, but we're in the same situation with a uBPD older sibling.

I came to the conclusion that the NC approach is right for me with my sister, for the same reasons you're contemplating: primarily my own mental health and self-respect.

It has worked well for me.  Complete disengagement, and consistent strong boundary-setting when there is incidental contact, has helped me greatly to change how I am concerned with my sister.

It's unavoidable that we will have to have contact with each other in the future, due to parent care, death and services, and estate settlement.  But the passage of time, and space created, by the NC approach, coupled with our mother's leadership by example, I think may eventually allow me to have empathy for my sister - to realize what an emotionally-intense life must be like for her, given her disorder.

I've given up hope that my sister will ever acknowledge and own her contributions to the deterioration of our relationship, let alone apologize or atone for them.  Barring successful treatment, that's part of the disorder.  Maybe someday I'll be able to swallow my pride and "be the bigger person."

But I'm not there yet.  Every interaction she has with me or my wife, even as recently as a few months ago, shows more of the same.  She is not trying to help herself (with treatment), and she is not improving all by herself.  If anything she's gathering more issues to bring into disputes.  So it's NC until she improves, or I grow enough to let go of expectations and accept her for who she is, disorder and all, while not allowing myself to be drawn in by her behaviors.

In the meantime, NC has given my life some peace.

Cheers.

[Mommydoc]

Little_sister, hope you are making progress.

Oh Brothers comments resonated  with me:

I think may eventually allow me to have empathy for my sister - to realize what an emotionally-intense life must be like for her, given her disorder.I've given up hope that my sister will ever acknowledge and own her contributions to the deterioration of our relationship, let alone apologize or atone for them.  Barring successful treatment, that's part of disorder.

As nBPDs, we strive for empathy for our loved one wBPD. It is hard. You encapsulated the constant struggle between empathy for pwBPD and our personal acceptance that our pain/suffering will not be acknowledged/validated by our pwBPD.