Grief Over BPD Relationship "Through the Prism of PTSD"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Dear SC,

I have thinking about my mood and general mental well-being in the aftermath of the end of my relationship with my ex pwBPD. Clearly, I am grieving and fluctuating between the various stages I read about here. But there seems to be more to it than just grief, with which I am familiar in other contexts.

In researching grief here, I came across one of your recent wise responses where you said, "How you are feeling, how you do feel is for the most part par for the course. Look at your grief through the prism of PTSD more so than anything else. It will make more sense that way because you suffered a trauma."

Would you please elaborate upon that and maybe point us to some resources regarding that issue. I think I might be suffering from PTSD but oddly it had not really occurred to me before. Maybe that in part explains how small things associated with the relationship now can emotionally destabilize me or even trigger feelings of an oncoming panic attack.

I'm posting here instead of a private email to you in hopes that your response will be of value to all of us who seem to be in a similar boat though in different stages of recovery. Thank you.

Drumdog4m

[drumdog4M]

Dear SC,

I have thinking about my mood and general mental well-being in the aftermath of the end of my relationship with my ex pwBPD. Clearly, I am grieving and fluctuating between the various stages I read about here. But there seems to be more to it than just grief, with which I am familiar in other contexts.

In researching grief here, I came across one of your recent wise responses where you said, "How you are feeling, how you do feel is for the most part par for the course. Look at your grief through the prism of PTSD more so than anything else. It will make more sense that way because you suffered a trauma."

Would you please elaborate upon that and maybe point us to some resources regarding that issue. I think I might be suffering from PTSD but oddly it had not really occurred to me before. Maybe that in part explains how small things associated with the relationship now can emotionally destabilize me or even trigger feelings of an oncoming panic attack.

I'm posting here instead of a private email to you in hopes that your response will be of value to all of us who seem to be in a similar boat though in different stages of recovery. Thank you.

Drumdog4m

[SinisterComplex]

Dear SC,

I have thinking about my mood and general mental well-being in the aftermath of the end of my relationship with my ex pwBPD. Clearly, I am grieving and fluctuating between the various stages I read about here. But there seems to be more to it than just grief, with which I am familiar in other contexts.

In researching grief here, I came across one of your recent wise responses where you said, "How you are feeling, how you do feel is for the most part par for the course. Look at your grief through the prism of PTSD more so than anything else. It will make more sense that way because you suffered a trauma."

Would you please elaborate upon that and maybe point us to some resources regarding that issue. I think I might be suffering from PTSD but oddly it had not really occurred to me before. Maybe that in part explains how small things associated with the relationship now can emotionally destabilize me or even trigger feelings of an oncoming panic attack.

I'm posting here instead of a private email to you in hopes that your response will be of value to all of us who seem to be in a similar boat though in different stages of recovery. Thank you.

Drumdog4m

Hey DD, just acknowledging that I see your post here and I will respond later. Just sat down for a quick break and came across this. I am in the middle of a project and then getting my workout in. I will provide a thorough response when I am free later on. Days off are never truly days off...ha.

Cheers!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

I will gladly offer up advice and point you in the right direction. The only thing I do want to be careful with here is that it is really easy to get carried away with labeling when grief and emotions are part of the equation. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with you other than you are hurt and you just have to process the hurt and the loss and the unfortunate product of that equation is that it takes time.

Now having said that...there are cases where extreme behavioral trauma is experienced and a possibility of suffering post-traumatic stress can happen.

You are going to see a lot of terms here. They are inter-related and I have my own personal theories based on my education and training, but I do not want to delve into that too much. With that out of the way. PTSD, cPTSD, Fractionation, Borderline Personality Disorder, and projection.

I will layout a definition of each here:

PTSD: PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, is an anxiety problem that develops in some people after extremely traumatic events, such as combat, crime, an accident or natural disaster.

People with PTSD may relive the event via intrusive memories, flashbacks and nightmares; avoid anything that reminds them of the trauma; and have anxious feelings they didn’t have before that are so intense their lives are disrupted. (APA)

People with PTSD have intense, disturbing thoughts and feelings related to their experience that last long after the traumatic event has ended. They may relive the event through flashbacks or nightmares; they may feel sadness, fear or anger; and they may feel detached or estranged from other people. People with PTSD may avoid situations or people that remind them of the traumatic event, and they may have strong negative reactions to something as ordinary as a loud noise or an accidental touch.

A diagnosis of PTSD requires exposure to an upsetting traumatic event. However, the exposure could be indirect rather than first hand. For example, PTSD could occur in an individual learning about the violent death of a close family or friend. It can also occur as a result of repeated exposure to horrible trauma. - This last bit ties in with the next definition...

cPTSD: Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. A post-trauma syndrome characterized by problems in the domains of interpersonal relationships, somatization, affect regulation, dissociation, and sense of self (Dr. Judith Herman, 1992)

Now, keep in mind cPTSD is not official and not recognized by the APA. Personally I do not agree with it not being official. The disorders are very similar yes but they are 2 completely different beasts as well as the symptoms present much differently between someone suffering from acute PTSD (a singular traumatic event for example) and someone suffering from prolonged PTSD (repeated exposure to the source trauma.

Fractionation: This is how the APA defines it...a psychophysical procedure to scale the magnitude of sensations in which an observer adjusts a variable stimulus to be half that of a standard stimulus. - no offense to the APA again here, but I call this definition a clusterF .

To make sense of Fractionation...it is a very powerful technique used to manipulate outcomes through rapid, constant, and recurrent emotionally charged push and pull. In simple terms it is operant conditioning (if unsure of this please look up B.F. Skinner) on steroids. Please do not pay attention to the crap on the internet about fractionation being a seduction technique and a way to pick up women.

For info on fractionation...look into fractionation hypnosis which was created by Dave Elman. Additionally, from a more scholarly approach look into the Fractionation of Human Memory (Alan Baddeley, 1984). Do a quick google search and you'll find one of the sources I used a long time ago while I was in school . Now if you really want to dig into it and try to connect some dots I also recommend using The Fractionation of Working Memory as a search query, you will find plenty of research since this is a big topic in cognitive psychology.  

Now I do not want to dominate the discussion with this so to be succinct...you went through a push and pull and in the middle of all that a trojan horse was implanted in you. That trojan horse was and is anxiety caused from heightened stress and an acute arousal of your cortisol levels. I theorize (notice I say theorize because it is impossible to know) that the reason why your grief is so hard to deal with and overcome is because your system got overloaded and your hormones were thrown out of whack. You were hacked and got fried. Cortisol is one sinister SOB  . If you need an analogy think of when a vehicle gets stuck and the driver constantly switches between drive and reverse to rock the vehicle, but in the process the transmission is getting overworked and overheated and even if the driver succeeds getting the vehicle out of the jam the vehicle's engine then seizes a week later because the damage was already done well beforehand by going from one extreme to the other in rapid succession. The point...the damage is done even when you don't see it right away...it is by design.

Anyway, moving on...

Borderline Personality Disorder: in DSM–IV–TR and DSM–5, a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image that is severe enough to cause extreme distress or interfere with social and occupational functioning. Among the manifestations of this disorder are (a) self-damaging behavior (e.g., gambling, overeating, substance use); (b) intense but unstable relationships; (c) uncontrollable temper outbursts; (d) uncertainty about self-image, gender, goals, and loyalties; (e) shifting moods; (f) self-defeating behavior, such as fights, suicidal gestures, or self-mutilation; and (g) chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom (APA, DSM-IV-TR, DSM-5)

Now I am going to point something out here right away...you will notice cPTSD and BPD do share a lot in common and they do overlap and are commonly misdiagnosed one for the other, but...the sufferers of each respective disorder react much different to their triggers and external stimuli. Additionally, cPTSD sufferers tend to have a stronger sense of self. BPD struggle with identity immensely. If you want to learn more about this please see https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4165723/.

In addition, cPTSD sufferers typically experience emotional numbness whereas those suffering from BPD feel too much and there is complete lack of emotional control and regulation and they can be triggered independent of a trauma response. Also, cPTSD sufferers have intense emotional reactions but only when exposed to specific triggers related to trauma

Projection: the process by which one attributes one's own individual positive or negative characteristics, affects, and impulses to another person or group. (APA)

Now when I said to view things through the prism of PTSD I was referring to having you focusing on yourself and what happened to you and what is happening to you. You experienced fractionation in a sense...push and pull. You had negative emotions projected onto you and you were crushed because of the weight hence the dark cloud still hanging over you. Remember with these disorders the sufferers do not know how to cope and they pull you into the blast radius and you will get hit with shrapnel.

I chose the terms I did because I think they will help you understand things from multiple perspectives and angles.

Ok I threw a lot at you. Time to let you digest it all and just take it in. We will continue the discussion once you respond. If you have questions fire away.

Cheers and best wishes to you!  

-SC-

[drumdog4M]

SC,

Thank you for your thoughtful and comprehensive response. I'm still taking it in, but my initial reaction is that I mostly am grieving. I experienced a great of deal fractionation (i.e., pushing and pulling) during the course of our relationship in subtle as well as more dramatic ways. I also experienced repeated traumas, nothing rising to the level of events that might cause PTSD (e.g., combat, car accident, etc)., but the cumulative effect of trying to walk on eggshells but inevitably cracking many as well as what my T. identified for me as emotional abuse.

In addition, during the course of various recycles or just trying to remain friends, I was exposed to too much information about about other men she would run to when running away from me. I've written about some of this in other posts so I won't repeat it here. Suffice it to say, that it was an emotionally destabilizing roller coaster for me but also pretty typical and not as bad as what many of us here have experienced.

Being an empathetic person with an anxious attachment style, the above trauma (with a small t), this all seems to have had a cumulative effect on me. Among other things, I feel sad, moody, cry more than I ever have during any other point in my life, ruminate about her, and am easily triggered by little things that remind me, such as difficulty going to places we used to enjoy, avoiding places where bad events occurred, distracted by any cars that look like hers or the one her ex-fiance drives, etc.

I have been making myself go to some of these places to desensitize myself and because I refuse to let her or an inanimate object have that kind of power over me. That being said, there is an involuntary emotional reaction.

Unlike my ex who is self-medicating with alcohol, light drugs, sex, and "love" (I'm not sure that's even the right word but the hope of it with a new guy), I am allowing myself to experience my emotions as they come and then putting my head back down and focusing on the rest of my life (in an effort not to dwell on the hole it feels like she left in my life and me). But I will be honest, it is a struggle.

I agree with you that the labels are less important than what they describe. I feel like what I, you, and others here went through is grief plus trauma (with a small t) plus massive amounts of fractionation. No wonder it has at least temporarily done a number on my ego, sense of self, and emotional stability. Any break-up does, but this is in a whole different league. And I was vulnerable to her. I let her inside me in a way that I haven't with anyone else before, but she was the perfect Trojan horse for me loaded full of addictive kryptonite.

Now, I'm working on recovering from my addiction and healing myself from being poisoned and am grieving. It's definitely a slow process without a clear timeline. I often feel like it's one step forward and two steps back. But I'm going to keep moving forward and hope I eventually feel a shift in my perspective and build myself back stronger and less vulnerable but still able to open myself fully to a healthy woman.

I don't hate my ex-pwBPD or even dislike her. I wish I could. I do hate her disorder and some of her behavior that it causes. But when I am able to step back a little from being swept up in my own emotions over the relationship, it did reveal a lot about myself and my own vulnerabilities. It was like an emotional stress test identifying where I'm strong and a great potential partner to someone but also where I'm vulnerable and wounded. I will try to focus my efforts on healing those wounds and being a stronger and more complete version of myself.

Thanks SC for sharing your knowledge and support.

-DD-

 

[LaRonge]

Hey DD, how long has it been for you since your breakup? And are you no contact now? I'm just asking because I'm curious about your recovery timeline. Have you or anyone else here tried EMDR therapy? I've been doing a psychoanalysis for years and while it's been extremely helpful in understanding my family dynamic and my own patterns of behavior, it didn't prevent me from entering another relationship with someone with BPD traits and didn't stop me from riding the relationship out to it's inevitable messy end point. It was a relationship with someone with BPD traits that got me into therapy in the first place. It also doesn't help with anxiety, rumination, lack of sleep, etc. Anyway, I've sought out an EMDR therapist and starting this week, so hopefully help deal with the acute anxiety and rumination, and some of the things you mentioned (things that remind me of her, places I went with her, jealousy about what she's doing now). I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm also curious whether you, or anyone else reading, has any thoughts about when and how to resume dating. I'm close to 2 1/2 months out and don't feel ready to date, but I also don't want to spend the next year thinking about a woman who will never be a partner for me, and preventing me from searching for a more supportive and loving partner. Does anyone have any perspective on this?

[drumdog4M]

LaRonge,

Thank you for reading my post and for your questions. We finally ended being in a romantic relationship on January 3, 2022. But there was significant interaction between us since, including some of the most emotionally destabilizing events of my knowing her -- including a few sexual encounters, her punching me, protestations of love, oversharing of details about my replacement, etc. I think the post break-up events and pulling me back in only to push me farther away or remind me that she has gone on to someone else were even worse than the initial breakup.

In the wake of the breakup, she raged at me on and off for at least a month. I deal with that much better oddly enough. It triggers my feelings of anger and ability to be more like F *&^* you. The pulling me in with love, apologies, and sexual overtures is much more difficult because it evades my defenses and doesn't trigger an angry response. It plays upon my love for her and nurturing and forgiving instincts. Then to be pushed away hard so she can be with my replacement is what leaves me in a terrible state and undercuts my slow healing process.

We are not NC, yet. We have been low contact and have not communicated at all for 6 days. As I've said before, I do not yet feel ready for NC, but the benefit of our interactions seems to have crossed a threshold of diminishing returns. At best they are neutral. At worst, they inflate my expectations that we could be together even if only as friends, and then leave me an emotional wreck. I've detailed some of this in other posts -- e.g., "I love you to an insane degree. "I am only yours" on one night, then the next night ignoring completely and finally responding with "I am with him, sorry."

I'm repeating this for your as well as my own benefit because I'm coming to realize that almost ANY communication with her (though I still crave it so much, if I'm honest) is a double-edged sword.

One benefit from this difficult post-break-up period, however, is that I really have come to see her more clearly for who she is. She is pretty high-functioning a lot of the time and can create a facade of normalcy and continuous self-improvement (which I respect), particularly given how biased toward her I am. She goes to therapy. She teaches special needs kids. She apologizes for her mistakes and behavior. She is trying to stop drinking, which she went back to after we broke up. She isn't a bad person at all and I do not want to vilify her. But when emotionally dysregulated or in pursuit of filling her needs / void / dulling her emotions, she seems incapable of empathy much less love in those moments. And ANY kind of relationship with her seems to be a roller coaster ride, at least for me while I am still in love with her, addicted, and vulnerable, even more so when she seems to be putting great effort into locking down my replacement.

Did I answer your questions?

I hope your experience with EMDR is positive. Please post your impressions of it. Thank you.

-DD-

[Ellala]

DD- thanks for asking this question and sharing your process. I noticed that (the limited) post breakup contact I had with my ex allowed me to see the effects of push pull more clearly. Glad that you are seeing your ex more clearly and the effects of contact as well.

SC - thanks for the detailed response. The concept of fractionation was a new lens to look through.. your analogy about the car helped me understand my experience with more compassion. much appreciated.

LaRonge - Yes, I have had EMDR…. for a few months I had weekly sessions. I also worked with a therapist who would use it on an "ad needed basis". I did find it helpful and both experiences were different. I did enter a relationship with a person with PD afterwards….I did however begin the process of detaching as soon as the emotional instability/ unwillingness/or inability to address the emotional dysregulation/reactivity was clear.  I hope EMDR is healing for you.

On the topic of dating- I am 4 months post break up. I do not feel ready for a committed relationship, physical intimacy, or to be romantically involved at this point. Feels too vulnerable. I hear you on not feeling ready, and also not wanting to spend a year thinking about someone who will never be a partner. 
I did go on one date (while on vacation). It felt low pressure because I was just looking to meet a ski buddy. While the conversation was great and it actually felt good to feel interested in someone who was interested in me and the rumination my ex stopped, my date ended up being flaky… which was disappointing and also clearly, a "no thanks".  I have no interest in getting involved with anyone who lacks stability/integrity.  I am feeling much clearer on what works for me and what doesn't and confident in communicating my preferences/boundaries (then I was right after the breakup).

When I do feel ready to date again, I will start slowly… with no intention to jump into a relationship. For me, that means 2-3 months before intimacy. That would give me time to get a clearer picture of compatibility and know my potential partner.  I also don't want to get swept up in romance and stunt the work I am doing right now. It's not comfortable for sure, but I can see how a relationship could end up being a distraction. Not sure when I will feel ready… but I trust I will know, when I know...

[SinisterComplex]

SC,

Thank you for your thoughtful and comprehensive response. I'm still taking it in, but my initial reaction is that I mostly am grieving. I experienced a great of deal fractionation (i.e., pushing and pulling) during the course of our relationship in subtle as well as more dramatic ways. I also experienced repeated traumas, nothing rising to the level of events that might cause PTSD (e.g., combat, car accident, etc)., but the cumulative effect of trying to walk on eggshells but inevitably cracking many as well as what my T. identified for me as emotional abuse.

In addition, during the course of various recycles or just trying to remain friends, I was exposed to too much information about about other men she would run to when running away from me. I've written about some of this in other posts so I won't repeat it here. Suffice it to say, that it was an emotionally destabilizing roller coaster for me but also pretty typical and not as bad as what many of us here have experienced.

Being an empathetic person with an anxious attachment style, the above trauma (with a small t), this all seems to have had a cumulative effect on me. Among other things, I feel sad, moody, cry more than I ever have during any other point in my life, ruminate about her, and am easily triggered by little things that remind me, such as difficulty going to places we used to enjoy, avoiding places where bad events occurred, distracted by any cars that look like hers or the one her ex-fiance drives, etc.

I have been making myself go to some of these places to desensitize myself and because I refuse to let her or an inanimate object have that kind of power over me. That being said, there is an involuntary emotional reaction.

Unlike my ex who is self-medicating with alcohol, light drugs, sex, and "love" (I'm not sure that's even the right word but the hope of it with a new guy), I am allowing myself to experience my emotions as they come and then putting my head back down and focusing on the rest of my life (in an effort not to dwell on the hole it feels like she left in my life and me). But I will be honest, it is a struggle.

I agree with you that the labels are less important than what they describe. I feel like what I, you, and others here went through is grief plus trauma (with a small t) plus massive amounts of fractionation. No wonder it has at least temporarily done a number on my ego, sense of self, and emotional stability. Any break-up does, but this is in a whole different league. And I was vulnerable to her. I let her inside me in a way that I haven't with anyone else before, but she was the perfect Trojan horse for me loaded full of addictive kryptonite.

Now, I'm working on recovering from my addiction and healing myself from being poisoned and am grieving. It's definitely a slow process without a clear timeline. I often feel like it's one step forward and two steps back. But I'm going to keep moving forward and hope I eventually feel a shift in my perspective and build myself back stronger and less vulnerable but still able to open myself fully to a healthy woman.

I don't hate my ex-pwBPD or even dislike her. I wish I could. I do hate her disorder and some of her behavior that it causes. But when I am able to step back a little from being swept up in my own emotions over the relationship, it did reveal a lot about myself and my own vulnerabilities. It was like an emotional stress test identifying where I'm strong and a great potential partner to someone but also where I'm vulnerable and wounded. I will try to focus my efforts on healing those wounds and being a stronger and more complete version of myself.

Thanks SC for sharing your knowledge and support.

-DD-

 

Something additional I want to elaborate on. When you deal with these high intensity roller coaster relationships it is a major shock to the system. Often times when you get the rug pulled out from underneath you it leave you asking why and when you do ask for support it will be hard to hear other's perspectives because your ego will get in the way and you think you know the person best. I akin what many go through to Stockholm Syndrome.

Perhaps you have heard of it. If not...

Stockholm Syndrome: The psychological tendency of a hostage to bond with, identify with, or sympathize with his or her captor. This is the definition in it's traditional sense, but it applies to victims of abuse just the same. Why you may ask? Because your emotions are held hostage and you are enmeshed with the disordered person.

This is why the FOG is so thick in the initial part of the break up. You know what was done to you was wrong. You know the person isn't good for you, but you still find yourself attached and have an alternate reality in your head where things weren't that bad and you'll find yourself sticking up for them. This is why you will commonly see me here on the boards telling members to live their truth and trust in their reality.

These relationships condition you to accept the piss poor treatment which is why it is so hard to break away. This is also why I preach to members to never ever put up with S  behavior and to call people out on their S  . If someone cannot handle a confrontation with you when you stick up and stand up for yourself then you pull the plug on them and tell them to go kick rocks! Respect trumps all! Contrary to a popular living in a fantasy world belief...confrontation and conflict are healthy and a necessity for positive relationships. Growth can never take place in the absence of conflict and confrontation. - To tie in...this why I live by the code in my signature..."Through Adversity There Is Redemption"

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

[LaRonge]

Ellala—thanks for sharing your thoughts about dating. I appreciate it! It's certainly tough to know when it's time.

DD—good luck when/if you decide to go NC. I have to say NC was the best thing I could have done. Every time my ex reached out it rekindled a faint feeling of hope and relief, and then the grief would start right over again. Since cutting her out, despite how vulnerable and angry I feel at times, I do feel like I have a sense of agency again, and that I've stripped her somewhat of the power she had over me. Yesterday in fact I had the thought that really she doesn't deserve me, and I believed it. (Although I agree with you that it's unnecessary to vilify people who suffer from BPD, and it must be torture to live with it, they are nonetheless adults who are responsible for their actions, and one of the consequences of their actions is losing the respect, time and attention of people who once cared for them). In any case, being in touch with her was only hurting me, and NC provided the relief and protection I needed.

[drumdog4M]

Thanks for your thoughts. We have not communicated at all for almost a week, though I have not gone full NC. I do feel sad but less triggered. Each communication we had, or lack thereof following communication, was triggering me. Either raising or lowering my hopes. Usually both.
In any case, it was setting me back.

I do struggle with the silence and my mind wandering about how happy she must be with my replacement, and how it must be easier for her to not communicate than it is for me. It's a struggle for, if I'm honest with myself, but I don't feel there is really anything else to say at this point anyway. I've said it all. Said so much. To no avail. It seems like she usually only says enough just to prime my emotional pump so she can get her fix off my emotional energy.

[drumdog4M]

Regarding the original impetus for my post to SC and the feedback, I raised the issue with my T. yesterday and described what I was experiencing, my grief as well as the other things. I had stopped seeing her regularly for some time for financial reasons because she's expensive and ended up not being covered by my insurance at all. I also questioned whether she had enough experience treating people recovering from relationships with pwBPD.

Once I opened the door to the issue and updated her on some of the post-breakup events I'd experienced, she immediately confirmed that in her view what I experienced unequivocally was emotional abuse and that I was traumatized through the cumulative push / pull and other behaviors. She recommended that it might be worth seeing someone who specialized in trauma work but that it would only be effective once I was removed completely from the the continued source of my trauma -- i.e., communicating with my ex.

It was validating to hear what she told me and put my feelings into a broader context. SC explained it all in a lot more detail than she did, however. So he gave me the intellectual framework, and she could see my reactions and hear what I was saying to fit my experience within that framework. I think I had a hard time connecting what I experienced as being emotionally abused and traumatized, perhaps more so because I'm a man. Maybe it felt harder to realize or admit that I was in an abusive relationship. And maybe even more so that I would allow myself to be. I also didn't realize how significant a toll the cumulative small traumas were having on me.

That's my update for now. I know I've been posting a lot. I hope you all don't get sick of what I'm writing. It helps me, but I also genuinely believe there is some value in it for all of us in a similar situation.

Thanks everyone, and I hope today is better than yesterday was for you. And tat tomorrow is even better.

[NotAHero]

Regarding the original impetus for my post to SC and the feedback, I raised the issue with my T. yesterday and described what I was experiencing, my grief as well as the other things. I had stopped seeing her regularly for some time for financial reasons because she's expensive and ended up not being covered by my insurance at all. I also questioned whether she had enough experience treating people recovering from relationships with pwBPD.

Once I opened the door to the issue and updated her on some of the post-breakup events I'd experienced, she immediately confirmed that in her view what I experienced unequivocally was emotional abuse and that I was traumatized through the cumulative push / pull and other behaviors. She recommended that it might be worth seeing someone who specialized in trauma work but that it would only be effective once I was removed completely from the the continued source of my trauma -- i.e., communicating with my ex.

It was validating to hear what she told me and put my feelings into a broader context. SC explained it all in a lot more detail than she did, however. So he gave me the intellectual framework, and she could see my reactions and hear what I was saying to fit my experience within that framework. I think I had a hard time connecting what I experienced as being emotionally abused and traumatized, perhaps more so because I'm a man. Maybe it felt harder to realize or admit that I was in an abusive relationship. And maybe even more so that I would allow myself to be. I also didn't realize how significant a toll the cumulative small traumas were having on me.

That's my update for now. I know I've been posting a lot. I hope you all don't get sick of what I'm writing. It helps me, but I also genuinely believe there is some value in it for all of us in a similar situation.

Thanks everyone, and I hope today is better than yesterday was for you. And tat tomorrow is even better.

 I think reading other similar stories in details along with thoughts and what other therapists are saying is very helpful.

 Keep writing anytime you feel like it. We are here to help each other’s and your story similarities with mine helped me already.