uBPDw - How to best cope with "I am alone - she never really loved me" feelings

[olafinski]

Hi,
I am more or less successful in coping with living in a relationship with my uBPD wife for the last 15 years. This forum and available resources helped a lot.
I wonder how to best cope with sudden feelings of "I am all alone - she never really loved me"?
When I am OK in my affairs, this is never an issue. But it always drops on me at times (such as right now) when my business and financial situation is crumbling down, and when off course I am the one responsible for "not paying enough attention to our financial situation" (I do, she doesn't) and "not communicating with me about our financial situation" (I tried, it always turns into a fight and blame-game).
My way of handling that is to focus on my parenting role and what our 11yo son needs from me, and it helps. But it does not heal the wound, it just makes me tolerate suffering better.
But inside there are total ruins.
What also sometimes helps is seeing her as "my other child" that I care for. But his totally moved me away from her in terms of intimacy because I find it hard to feel desire for her when I am either afraid of what she will do next, or concerned about her well-being.
Seems so depressing at times, like pushing a stone up the mountain and then intentionally letting if crumble down again. Even masochist.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi olafinski I've also noticed my thinking sometimes wavers. I read a book on CBT and started noticing myself at times slip into cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking or assuming the worst. It helped me to recognize that and look at concrete facts on both sides of the topic with a wise mind, like described here.

Do you take time out of your day for self care? Time to relax, listen to music, or go for a walk alone? It might help regulate any high emotions during those times.

[thankful person]

Hi Olafinski,
I understand where you’re coming from. Despite becoming far better at communicating with my wife recently, I have been feeling very low due to being the only one earning (we have two little ones), and financially we are in a mess (I am self-employed). A combination of covid, having a sick child, and our house sale falling through last year has had a knock on effect, I teach piano and I have lost 11 students recently due to lessons remaining online to protect the baby, and the fact we are supposed to be moving away soon. It is hard to see my wife as a partner sometimes, rather than the “difficult child”. She has got into so much debt over the years. I am resentful. She is finally learning to not order expensive food, choose wisely at the supermarket, and amazingly, she is even wasting far less food than she used to (things ending up in the bin because she didn’t use it by the date - I am veggie so I don’t eat her meat). I am working hard to keep my spirits up. Putting my heart into parenting and the few students I have left, even the domestic cleaning work I also do. Making sure I’m eating properly etc. I am trying to talk to myself more kindly. Many people say I’m amazing at what I do for work but I still have an inner voice telling me I’m useless that’s why they all quit. I am fighting that voice and remembering the wonderful feedback I’ve had over the years. In a way I think we are alone. I am feeling much stronger generally, but I know that when I feel weak, it probably won’t help to share these feelings with my wife. Her advice about any negative emotions I have is usually, “ just DEAL with it!” I’m just so glad for all of us on here that we have each other.

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of learning your partner has BPD and forevermore will be not fully equipped to be an emotionally healthy person in the way you had anticipated at the outset of your relationship.

This realization caused me tremendous grief. I started thinking that what I thought was *love* developing at the beginning was perhaps only *need* and that I was a convenient landing place, offering security and stability for someone who was lost.

I felt a lot of anger, like I’d been *duped* and I’d entered this relationship under misconceptions that I had found an equal partnership, that we could support each other, learn and grow, and have each others’ backs during difficult times.

Couples therapy didn’t help much, but it did allow me the space to share without interruption, my feelings. What did help was returning to the same psychologist a few years later for individual therapy and finding this site. She told me that she thought he has a personality disorder, though she didn’t specify which one. In our sessions, he’d displayed more narcissistic behavior, though at home, I saw the BPD.

Some of my friends thought I’d end the relationship—it had gotten that bad.

But nowadays, with what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed my behavior, things between us are great! He too has made some positive changes and attended therapy on his own volition for a while.

The close intimacy that we had at the beginning has not returned. It perhaps was a phantom for both of us. We truly are quite different people who enjoy very different things, though we largely agree on values and politics. And we both are quite emotionally self sufficient, though he needs more socializing than I do.

I do believe he loves me since he is supportive of my goals and I can rely upon him. This is different than what I had imagined our relationship to be, and I’m sure that he feels the same, but it works well for us both. It’s just not the romantic fantasy that I thought I was buying into at the beginning.

[thankful person]

It’s just not the romantic fantasy that I thought I was buying into at the beginning.

I absolutely relate to everything you said Cat. You helped me to view bpd as an emotional disability. It has helped me change the way I see things, especially as I have worked with many disabled people. The worst thing for me, was my bpdw actually enticed me away from my previous relationship, my ex was very controlling, but our relationship was far more stable. She actually said things like, “I would never tell you you couldn’t wear something you liked…” Well that turned out to be a lie, along with many other promises she made, just to make herself look better than him. I moved half way across the world for her. I knew she was needy, but I wanted someone needy. Part of my coming to terms with the mess I’d gotten into, was knowing how upset my ex would be to see how she treated me. She immediately changed from everything I had so naively bought into, in desperately NOT wanting to be in a controlling relationship. It’s strange to think things would have been so different with my ex if I had just stood up to him. I do believe things are as they should be now. I love being a mother and I’m still working on improving things in my relationship. These precious ivf-conceived children would most likely not exist if it weren’t for this relationship. If they did exist, they wouldn’t be mine.