A simple realization

[Riv3rW0lf]

The problem is not that I am scared of my mother, even though part of me is.

The problem is not that I think she will disown me or cut me off. She did once, and what hurt was not the disowning, but the realization that I never really had a mother to begin with.

The problem is... I have been lying to myself by thinking I love her, and that it hurt me not to have a healthy relationship with her...

While part of me wanted that for a while : this part is long gone. And what is left is one simple realization : I dislike her.

It's not even hate. Just a general dislike. This is not a woman I respect. This is not a woman I want to spend time with. But this desire to be done with her contradicts my values... And this is the real problem I am facing.

I don't think I will ever be able to love her, not like I love my father anyway. Maybe compassion is possible down the road... but it's still too early to tell.

I was angry, part of me still is, but not so much at her anymore. I am feeling more and more peaceful, in actuality.

And with this peace, I can clearly see that I simply don't love her, I don't even like her, and I don't think I ever did.

I find her irritating, and I don't enjoy her company. I can fake it, but I don't feel it. I cannot recall ANY moment where I felt I loved her. We had some laughs, I have some funny memories (mostly of life, and she just happened to be there) but there isn't any love. I will never know if she loves me, but I know now that I don't love her. I don't even like her. I just never bonded with her. And I have no interest in doing so.

A simple realization that changes everything for me.

[Notwendy]

I find her irritating, and I don't enjoy her company. I can fake it, but I don't feel it. I cannot recall ANY moment where I felt I loved her.

I cannot recall ANY moment where I felt my mother loved me.

I have tried to love her. I wanted her to love me. I have memories of bedtime where she'd quickly tuck me in and leave the room,  and I could hear her in the next room spending time with the golden child.. You know you want your parents to tuck you in and say something nice and hug you before bedtime and I wished this could happen with me as well.

She's not ever hugged or been affectionate with me, she's cool and icy.

But I also cringe if she gets too close to me. We grew up afraid of her. I think at some point I confused that with loving her.
 
I didn't bond with her either. I did bond with my father and I loved him. I hope it meant something to him but after the triangle dynamics at the time of his passing I am not so sure if it did or not

[Turkish]

I felt the same. It might have also had a lot to do with she adopting me at 2.3 years of age with me having already gone through birth parents, grandparents and foster parents. It took me until I was almost out of the house to think, "this stuff isn't normal, " because you don't know what you don't know. I can relate to that you never really bonded with her. I stopped trusting my mom by 13 and counted the days until I turned 18 to move out (away).

In my mid 30s, I chose to have kids with a difficult person who was emotionally very much like my mom. I loved them both, in a way. I kind of felt ashamed. I felt like something in me was broken.

I do love my daughter to pieces though! So I've kind of stopped telling myself something like, "it's not you <well, it's kind of you>, it's me." It's complicated.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I cannot recall ANY moment where I felt my mother loved me.

This thought came up when I read this : in order for a child to feel love, they have to feel loved.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I do love my daughter to pieces though! So I've kind of stopped telling myself something like, "it's not you <well, it's kind of you>, it's me." It's complicated.

I think this is what this realization unlocked, in a way. Not questioning myself... And accept my feelings for what they are: mine. In my power, my choices.

Society expected me to love my mother. After all, this is what our culture states : you have one mother, she cared for you, you must love her, you love her.

And loving her results in pain, hurt, invalidation, rejection...

And today I realize ... I don't. I don't love her. I might have at some point, but not today, not the grown up woman I am now.

And I don't feel guilty about it anymore.

I am done questioning myself, and pretending I want a relationship with her... I think I am finally ready to recognize and accept who she is, that she will never change, and that truly... I don't have to like her.

I've been cordial to people I didn't like before. I can be cordial to her as well. But I really don't have to love her. And I don't have to pretend I do either.

[pursuingJoy]

The problem is... I have been lying to myself by thinking I love her, and that it hurt me not to have a healthy relationship with her...

Wow. Thanks for sharing, this helps me understand my own complicated emotions towards my own mom. I love the way you talk about accepting your feelings, in your power, your choices.   

[Goldcrest]

Riv3rWOlf

This thought came up when I read this : in order for a child to feel love, they have to feel loved.

YES to the above. I have never felt that radiating love for my mother, or from my mother. I felt it for my dad because I think their were moments where he would smile at me with love. But my mother no. I always found her repugnant, didn't want to eat the food she cooked, touch her body etc. My mother would hug to extract something from you, never hug to give love. I don't think she felt love, just took love from those that would give it.

[Mommydoc]

And I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I am done questioning myself, and pretending I want a relationship with her... I think I am finally ready to recognize and accept who she is, that she will never change, and that truly... I don't have to like her.

Bravo congratulations! Such amazing self reflection. And incredibly empowering to all of us. Thank you for sharing

[Riv3rW0lf]

Mommydoc, Goldcrest, pursuing joy,

I am grateful to know this realization helped you shed some light in your own relationship with your pwBPD.

This simple realization did have an empowering effect on me, and I am happy to see it empowers you all as well!