Grandma passed, BPD Mom "what now" questions

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,
There is so much insight here and I am always grateful reading these threads and learning new tools!

Just a couple of questions:

1.) Why would my BPD Mom spend years idolizing her mother when she spent years before that demonizing her mother for abuse? I thought BPD splitting happened more rapidly (like calling someone "perfect" and "evil" in the same week depending on mood).

2.) Now that Grandma has recently passed away, is there anything I should be prepared for, changes to BPD Mom's behavior especially as it relates to me, her daughter?

For most of my childhood and early adulthood, BPD Mom demonized her mom and talked of her horrendous abuse and alcoholism. In recent years, Mom idolizes Grandma. Mom says Grandma was the best mom ever, loving, deserving, called her every day, posted social media profile photos of Mom kissing Grandma on the cheek with glitter and flowers added in digitally (over the top stuff like that) and tried to shame me into calling or mailing Grandma so I would be a good granddaughter (but, this didn't work since for decades I had a mail correspondence with Grandma on a schedule, so not at Mom's request). Grandma passed away recently, and I'm wondering, What now?

Side context:
That is apart from all the ambivalent, mixed feelings I have towards Grandma who abused my mom but was nice to me, and towards my own mom, who abused me and still abuses my Dad, but I live too far away for her to hurt me, so it's a nicer, cautious contact (she's left me alone for the most part since I got married a long time ago - no social media pictures of us together, etc). I feel very mixed about sending Mom flowers when Grandma passed, for example, or trying to write loving birthday messages on Mom's cards each year. While I'm sorting that out, I also want to understand what Mom may try now, based on typical BPD responses in this circumstance.

Thanks for any light you can shed on this.

[Teabunny]

Hello everyone,
There is so much insight here and I am always grateful reading these threads and learning new tools!

Just a couple of questions:

1.) Why would my BPD Mom spend years idolizing her mother when she spent years before that demonizing her mother for abuse? I thought BPD splitting happened more rapidly (like calling someone "perfect" and "evil" in the same week depending on mood).

2.) Now that Grandma has recently passed away, is there anything I should be prepared for, changes to BPD Mom's behavior especially as it relates to me, her daughter?

For most of my childhood and early adulthood, BPD Mom demonized her mom and talked of her horrendous abuse and alcoholism. In recent years, Mom idolizes Grandma. Mom says Grandma was the best mom ever, loving, deserving, called her every day, posted social media profile photos of Mom kissing Grandma on the cheek with glitter and flowers added in digitally (over the top stuff like that) and tried to shame me into calling or mailing Grandma so I would be a good granddaughter (but, this didn't work since for decades I had a mail correspondence with Grandma on a schedule, so not at Mom's request). Grandma passed away recently, and I'm wondering, What now?

Side context:
That is apart from all the ambivalent, mixed feelings I have towards Grandma who abused my mom but was nice to me, and towards my own mom, who abused me and still abuses my Dad, but I live too far away for her to hurt me, so it's a nicer, cautious contact (she's left me alone for the most part since I got married a long time ago - no social media pictures of us together, etc). I feel very mixed about sending Mom flowers when Grandma passed, for example, or trying to write loving birthday messages on Mom's cards each year. While I'm sorting that out, I also want to understand what Mom may try now, based on typical BPD responses in this circumstance.

Thanks for any light you can shed on this.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I feel like the mere fact that my mother is getting older is creating a change in her behavior toward:
- her mother (contrary to yours, she idolized my grandmother all her life and recently started hating her and saying she doesn't want to be like her... I am not trying to understand, I just see it as another drama she created to get sympathy and attention from us)
- us (she is much more clingy)

She never posted anything on Facebook, and now, she keeps posting those small "wisdom posts" about how children should care for their parents, since their parents took care of them while they were toddlers... I laughed pretty hard at this one, because indeed, if I were to care for her with the same amount of love she had for me, it would be elderly abuse! Anyway ...

Just to say that, they are getting older and maybe connecting with their vulnerability... Now they know they will need us pretty badly soon, short of ending their days alone in a residence somewhere...

For your other question as to what to expect from your grandmother's death, I wouldn't know. It is the kind of event my mother would use to get attention and pity from us... To draw us closer.

[Mommydoc]

Like Riv3rWOlf, I don’t think I can answer your question about how your mother will react.

In terms of splitting, it doesn’t surprise me at all that your mother idolized her mother after years of demonizing her. My sister went from frequent rages at and being convinced our father was going to the devil, to after death painting him as a saint, referring to him as  “our father in heaven” .

Your grandmothers death might be equivalent to abandonment and could be  a trigger for her. Splitting is a subconscious defense mechanism  for BPDs to protect against intense negative feelings, such as loss or perceived abandonment. They don’t recognize  or accept paradoxical qualities in someone or something. There is no grey. With my sister I am either worlds best sister or horrific and responsible for all that is bad in her life; she seems to be making some slight progress with “Seeing grey”, I suspect it is only temporary. Once triggered it will happen again.

Again, we can’t predict your mom’s reaction, but when my father was dying and after he died, my uBPD sister completely dysregulated; all of her unresolved feelings, anger towards him, came full force at me. I didn’t know what BPD was at the time and made every mistake in the book, trying to explain, justify and defend my actions as well trying to (unsuccessfully) appease her at my own cost. I wish I could go back and do it differently. I would  let her self soothe on her own, but also try not to be defensive or  invalidate her.

Your mixed feelings are justified given the circumstances. You have a lot of complex things to process. Hopefully you can continue to  seek support here and through supportive friends and family to make sure you are prioritizing yourself and setting healthy boundaries if your mom dysregulates. . Even though it might not feel authentic, my advice is kill her with kindness and offer support, while offering reassurances that you care about her. Sometimes I try to imagine my sister like one of my healthy adult children, if one of them experienced a loss, how would I support them… it helps me accept and separate her behaviors from my own actions/reactions. We have to accept we can’t prevent our pwBPD’s behaviors or soothe their intense  feelings. All we can do is to manage our own feelings, self care and reactions.

I hope it goes well. It’s a lot to process. Take care of yourself.

[Turkish]

Do you only know these things because of what your mother told you? If so, I'd consider the source...

Even if so, your mother's relationship with her own mother is hers alone, despite the fact that your mother emotionally triangulated you into it for her validation. That may be frustrating and confusing to "approve" of your mother's positive feelings now, but that is her coping and processing. As my T said, "it's never wrong to be kind." Just maintain distance which I imagine is hard.

Do you feel betrayed, in a way, by your mother's switching of feelings towards your grandma?

[Goldcrest]

Teabunny

When my dad died last October he became Sainted yet the abuse and neglect he was subjected to in his final years of life was not how you would treat a saint. My mothers splitting of him became worse, almost as if she could tell he was going to die soon. After death the constant "he was the best of men and he adored me" would drive me up the wall.

I guess in death the person they fear (from engulfment or abandonment) is gone and they can step back and see what they have lost? The fantasy version can not disappear.

She never posted anything on Facebook, and now, she keeps posting those small "wisdom posts" about how children should care for their parents, since their parents took care of them while they were toddlers... I laughed pretty hard at this one, because indeed, if I were to care for her with the same amount of love she had for me, it would be elderly abuse! Anyway ...

Riv3rW0lf The above made me laugh! I was getting a lot of this crap too. About everything she had sacrificed for her kids.

[Notwendy]

I don't think the reaction is  predictable, but what I have noticed is that people cope with stressors with the tools they have, and so a stressful event or change could increase BPD behaviors.

The loss of a parent, even a difficult one, is still a major event- and comes with difficult feelings- loss, regret, but also even relief, and guilt over feeling that. Since pwBPD have difficulty managing uncomfortable feelings- the reactions may be unusual. With BPD mother, she's appeared unemotional or raged. I didn't see her cry or grieve in the typical way- I don't know if she feels that or won't allow herself to feel that. I try to keep in mind that her reaction doesn't mean she didn't, but that this is how she deals with feelings.

Then there's the triangle- victim perspective- and attention for that. People are naturally consoling and sympathetic at this time.

What to expect? I would say probably an increase in BPD behaviors but what exactly - I don't think is predictable.

[zachira]

You would like to know what to expect from your BPD mom now that her mother has passed away and you have witnessed severe splitting: your mom hating her mother and then later in life idolizing her. I experienced something similar with my brother with BPD in his relationship with our mother with BPD. For most of his life, my brother wanted nothing to do with mom and he was disliked by both of my parents. When mom got sick, he moved in with her and took care of her for several years before she died, even though she continued to abuse him. I think he saw taking care of mom as an opportunity to become the golden child which never happened as mom continued to idolize our deceased golden child brother. What you can count on is the splitting, and never knowing how bad it is going to be and when the splitting is going to occur. Are you worried that you will suddenly be demonized for no apparent reasons when your mom cannot handle how she is feeling inside? My brother has been extremely abusive in ways I never expected in mom's last years and after her death though sometimes he is superficially kind and generous. Do you have any thoughts about what boundaries you might set with your mother now and when she is mistreating you so you are not so affected by her blaming others including you for how badly she is feeling?

[Teabunny]

Turkish,

That may be frustrating and confusing to "approve" of your mother's positive feelings now...Do you feel betrayed, in a way, by your mother's switching of feelings towards your grandma?

I feel relieved whenever Mom has positive feelings about anyone, especially our family, since she mostly feels negative towards family and friends. Luckily, I never experienced hating Grandma - to me, she was a distant but blandly positive relationship. When Mom's feeling positive, it is also easier for me to have a relationship with Grandma or anyone else, because Mom tries to distance or isolate me from others especially if she doesn't like them.

What I do feel is, wish Mom had felt positive towards Grandma when I was young and could have had more Grandma in my life. The ambivalence is that it was hard to be genuinely trusting towards Grandma when she and her first husband were so messed up that Mom (as a baby) had to live with great grandma. It may be a mixed blessing that Grandma was distant. And you're right, if the source is my Mom, not all the stories may be true. Newspapers and research were helpful to confirm some things. I feel the same ambivalence towards both my parents. They are inconsistent, so lasting positive emotions or trust is difficult.

[Teabunny]

Goldencrest,

After death the constant "he was the best of men and he adored me" would drive me up the wall.

Oddly enough...this was how Grandma talked about her first husband. "He was so good to me." Yet the record speaks volumes otherwise, of his crimes and even how he was a bigamist with a secret 2nd wife and kids that were discovered through DNA testing. Mom at first publicly embraced her half siblings, until one day she said her father's betrayal of her mother hurt her mother so she didn't want any contact with her half siblings ever again (the rest of the family still speak to them regularly though). What a pattern there! Is it weird that I look forward to hearing Mom say nice things about my Dad, potentially someday such as after his (hopefully far from now) passing? I don't know anything nice she's said about Dad. It may eventually drive me up the wall as it did you, too, but nice for a change.

[Teabunny]

Notwendy,

Then there's the triangle- victim perspective- and attention for that. People are naturally consoling and sympathetic at this time.

I've noticed this, she's getting lots of attention and I am so relieved by the consoling and sympathy  None has been directed towards me, but also, I didn't post to social media about it either.

Zacharia,

Are you worried that you will suddenly be demonized for no apparent reasons

Well, Mom already demonizes me but it's less a deal now that I'm too far away. Our contact is nowadays cordial and polite, even though Dad says she's still mad at me for no reasons. My biggest fear - and if this were to come true I need to prepare emotionally and tangibly - is that, suddenly my already socially isolated BPD mother has lost a bedrock in her life (grandma) and who is she going to try and call everyday now? (maybe me?) or who is she going to EXPECT call her everyday now? (maybe me?) I won't be meeting such expectations and have boundaries but will need new ones if that occurs.

It's hard to console someone close when they're grieving, but harder when the relationship never formed in a healthy way and there's splitting, triangulation, no empathy towards me, etc going on. I've been coping by viewing my parents as strangers and performing sympathetic actions without expectations (expect the day grandma died when dad caught me off guard, but I recovered from expecting empathy from him). Meanwhile, like many of you already said, self-care and quality time with people who really do love me consistently.

[Notwendy]

While I have sympathy for my mother - the focus was  on her. At my father's funeral, I tried to stay as far away as possible. I didn't have the emotional reserves to speak to anyone.

Once I said to her "I just lost a father" and her reply was "well, I lost a husband". There was no empathy on her part for how the rest of us might have been feeling.

I grieved. Not a word of consolation for me from her or her family but I didn't contact them either. My father's relatives and some of my friends were supportive to me. I am grateful for them.

I decided it was for the best that her family rallied to her side and that she had their support.

We all worried about how she would do on her own. My father did a lot for her. However, she's resourceful and he left her financially able to have assistance.