Hello...and how can I get him to stay out of my life?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone.  I'm thankful I found this community and hope I can provide support as well as receive it.

As background, I was in a 20 year relationship with a man with BPD (I'll call him Steven, which is not his real name).  We have a child together (I'll call him Adam, which also is not his real name) who is almost 18. Steven physically and emotionally abused Adam until 2 years ago when Adam was able to share the extent of the abuse with me, and I cut ties with his father Steven.  Adam does not want a relationship with his father at all, but believes in forgiveness and tries to be polite, yet firm with his boundaries. We have both learned and healed alot in these last 2 years.
 
The relationship ended between me and Steven about 2 years ago in my eyes, but I'm starting to understand that he didn't accept that until recently...and maybe still doesn't.  We were never married (he was married to someone else during the entirety of our relationship...that's a story for another day) and we haven't lived together for 2 years, but he lives within walking distance of our home.  He has tried every manipulation tactic to get us to feel sorry for him and allow him to have control.  He is very intelligent and persistent.  I have set a boundary that he does not come into my home unless invited.   It's taken a long time for him to (mostly) abide by this rule, and he sometimes still walks in uninvited without warning and without knocking, especially if Adam is the only one home.  Steven still complains loudly about the rule and makes up consequences to show us how the rule is unreasonable. 

I started my own business a year ago, and then about 6 months ago, I rented an office in a co-working office building.  I've been feeling more like myself...peaceful, self confident and no longer worried that Steven would barge into my workspace at home everyday and I would have to defend my boundaries yet again.  But you can guess what comes next...he found out where my office is.  A few months ago he came in the building and walked around.  He walked right past me and also by my office later and acted like he did not see me.  I talked to him a few days later and told him I did not want him there.  He came again for an official tour a few weeks later, and stopped by my office, smiled and waved.  He tried to talk to me and I told him I was working and that he was invading my safe space and I asked him to leave.  He was upset, went downstairs for a short time, then left.  I thought that was the end of it, until he rented a mailbox 3 weeks ago and sat downstairs talking with many of my business colleagues and referral partners that also have offices in the building.  I told the building owners that it makes me uncomfortable to have him here, and also about our family history and their response was, "oh, it's only a mailbox...and he said someone else will probably come in to pick it up usually."

Yesterday he sat at a table directly at the bottom of the stairs (my office is at the top of the stairs).  I could hear his voice, and I had to walk past him to get to the printer and coffee pot.  Today I found out he is renting space in the common area and is on our building member list, using a picture of himself and our son (who has met many of the people here) on the welcome page. I am so angry and upset I don't have words to describe it.

I feel like screaming, and quitting my business.  I'm angry...at him and the building owners.  I almost went down there yesterday and confronted him.  But we all know that will make me look unprofessional and dramatic, while he charms everyone and looks sweet and innocent.   I know I can't let him control me, and that by letting my emotions run wild, he IS controlling me, and I'm allowing it.  But I don't know how to make it stop.  I just want it to stop.  Why can't he go somewhere else?  It was so nice when I didn't see him, hear him or even think about him.  How do I get that back?  It seems like the answer is to not let it bother me.  But I don't know how to ignore this. 

I'm considering calling the police to see if this qualifies as stalking, but I'm wondering if that will escalate the conflict and make it seem more like a relationship to a person with BPD. 

[strivingtobe]

Hello everyone.  I'm thankful I found this community and hope I can provide support as well as receive it.

As background, I was in a 20 year relationship with a man with BPD (I'll call him Steven, which is not his real name).  We have a child together (I'll call him Adam, which also is not his real name) who is almost 18. Steven physically and emotionally abused Adam until 2 years ago when Adam was able to share the extent of the abuse with me, and I cut ties with his father Steven.  Adam does not want a relationship with his father at all, but believes in forgiveness and tries to be polite, yet firm with his boundaries. We have both learned and healed alot in these last 2 years.
 
The relationship ended between me and Steven about 2 years ago in my eyes, but I'm starting to understand that he didn't accept that until recently...and maybe still doesn't.  We were never married (he was married to someone else during the entirety of our relationship...that's a story for another day) and we haven't lived together for 2 years, but he lives within walking distance of our home.  He has tried every manipulation tactic to get us to feel sorry for him and allow him to have control.  He is very intelligent and persistent.  I have set a boundary that he does not come into my home unless invited.   It's taken a long time for him to (mostly) abide by this rule, and he sometimes still walks in uninvited without warning and without knocking, especially if Adam is the only one home.  Steven still complains loudly about the rule and makes up consequences to show us how the rule is unreasonable. 

I started my own business a year ago, and then about 6 months ago, I rented an office in a co-working office building.  I've been feeling more like myself...peaceful, self confident and no longer worried that Steven would barge into my workspace at home everyday and I would have to defend my boundaries yet again.  But you can guess what comes next...he found out where my office is.  A few months ago he came in the building and walked around.  He walked right past me and also by my office later and acted like he did not see me.  I talked to him a few days later and told him I did not want him there.  He came again for an official tour a few weeks later, and stopped by my office, smiled and waved.  He tried to talk to me and I told him I was working and that he was invading my safe space and I asked him to leave.  He was upset, went downstairs for a short time, then left.  I thought that was the end of it, until he rented a mailbox 3 weeks ago and sat downstairs talking with many of my business colleagues and referral partners that also have offices in the building.  I told the building owners that it makes me uncomfortable to have him here, and also about our family history and their response was, "oh, it's only a mailbox...and he said someone else will probably come in to pick it up usually."

Yesterday he sat at a table directly at the bottom of the stairs (my office is at the top of the stairs).  I could hear his voice, and I had to walk past him to get to the printer and coffee pot.  Today I found out he is renting space in the common area and is on our building member list, using a picture of himself and our son (who has met many of the people here) on the welcome page. I am so angry and upset I don't have words to describe it.

I feel like screaming, and quitting my business.  I'm angry...at him and the building owners.  I almost went down there yesterday and confronted him.  But we all know that will make me look unprofessional and dramatic, while he charms everyone and looks sweet and innocent.   I know I can't let him control me, and that by letting my emotions run wild, he IS controlling me, and I'm allowing it.  But I don't know how to make it stop.  I just want it to stop.  Why can't he go somewhere else?  It was so nice when I didn't see him, hear him or even think about him.  How do I get that back?  It seems like the answer is to not let it bother me.  But I don't know how to ignore this. 

I'm considering calling the police to see if this qualifies as stalking, but I'm wondering if that will escalate the conflict and make it seem more like a relationship to a person with BPD.