Mother n law with bpd

[Daylightdad]

Good day ,

I found out after 3 years that my mother n law has BPD.My wife is one of 7 children and we have a daughter .My wife is fine as is 5 of her sisters and her brother are all normal except her mother and one sister .The diagnosis of BPD came from my mother n law herself and her husband .

With that said although I always found it odd there was a lot of fights and drama between my wife and her mother and pretty much all her siblings seem to fight with her in rotation it never really occurred to me what was happening.I mind my own business most of the time and when my wife would show me texts from her mother or texts from her sisters about their mother fighting with them , all I could think was her mother requires a lot of attention(good or bad).

Fast forward to last week and I finally got into a fight with the mother n law as she put my daughter and wife at risk .Long story short 3 years ago my wife had an ex boyfriend stalker who we ended up having a court restraining order put on him to get him away from her .I found out my mother n law was talking to him three years later again , kick starting this whole scenario that had gone away.Even the ex boyfriends parents told my mother n law that its best to stay away from him as he is unstable .

This set me off because now we have a child and I don’t need someone who had gone away to now think he has an opportunity because someone like the MIL decided to talk to him again.Puts my child and wife at risk of stalking or worse .That said I responded legally by sending her a notice to cease contact with him and I added to stop the dramatics with our family it’s tiring and exhausting.

She now has blocked my wife on everything and has attempted to turn her sisters against her which doesn’t seem to be working but regardless it’s tuff on my wife .She bad mouthed me calling me a POS and ASS!’kn to her children but that’s ok it doesn’t bother me . She also keeps telling her children she’s happy now that my wife is outta her life because my wife causes drama etc .

My question is really are we free from this drama now and we can let our guard down? I now have enough to worry about with an ex stalker potentially back in the picture ,trying to reach out to my wife on social media since his conversation with my MIL.I spent a fortune on cameras and alarms for the house just to make sure safety is there .

I never have seen the drama to the extent their family has and I speak with my brothers n law and we all seem to see the same things ? Many of us are tired of it , how can we stop this?

Thanks 

[kells76]

Hi Daylightdad and welcome. I'm just nodding my head as I read your and your wife's story here... it's so, so typical for pwBPD (people with BPD, or BPD-type traits) to have this monomaniacal focus on meeting their own emotional needs for control over and above any other consideration, including safety of their own children and grandchildren. It's jaw-dropping.

You've done well to stay ahead of the game by anticipating that your MIL may try to use the stalker to churn up drama (at minimum) and feel in control of others' lives. I'm assuming you have some kind of copy (email, etc) of the statement you sent to her about wanting her not to contact the stalker?

It is tricky getting other people to do/not do things with third parties. Have you consulted with any lawyers about your situation, which is unique? You may already know this -- when you consult with a lawyer (or two or three), it's often free or lower cost for anywhere from 30-60 min or so, and you don't have to pay a retainer, and you're not required to hire them at the end of the consultation. But, you will get good insight into what legal routes you can take to protect your family. Often 30-60 min of legal advice can be enough, and if it's not, then you've done well to find that out.

A bigger question, though, is what you raised:

are we free from this drama now and we can let our guard down?

pwBPD do what they do because it "works" as a dysfunctional way to manage their emotional dysregulation and desire for control. They often have little incentive to change, and while some pwBPD can see the hurtful impact of their actions and seek counseling, it's a long process with slow improvement.

If it were me, I'd be assuming that unfortunately your MIL won't change. Whether it's being manipulative with the stalker or with someone else, she will probably keep trying to mess with people in your life as a way to control you guys.

That being said, think of this image:  a town is built on low land by the ocean, and it's hurricane season. There are no walls around the town, so when the hurricanes come through, the town gets swamped. But, one year, the town builds some solid levees. The hurricanes still come through, but they no longer flood the town.

That's how I might envision your future: your MIL will continue to do what she does. But if you can learn about boundaries -- which aren't "demands we make on other people", but rather, "ways we protect our own lives by choosing what we let in" -- you can dramatically decrease the impact of her craziness on you, your wife, and your child.

You can check out this link on setting boundaries (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) and let us know here what you think about it.

While part of me is kind of shaking my head at how crazy your MIL's behaviors are (and trust me, we've seen some wild stuff here), another part of me is confident that with solid legal advice plus being on the same page with your wife about your family's needs and boundaries, you can keep the drama out and move forward healthily.

Keep us posted on how you guys are doing...

kells76

[Daylightdad]

Thanks for the info ! Lucky for me my legal advice comes from two family lawyers on my side so it’s free .They don’t know about the BPD I just asked them to put together a document for me so it didn’t look like I was threatening anyone with anything .It stipulated that any contact between her and us and the ex who had a restraining order which has since expired , is forbidden because of the danger is brings .

I’ll read up how to setup boundaries as I just want the drama to stop is all .We don’t need to be friends just need the senseless bickering and her involvement in our little family to stop .Thankfully she has seemed to block us and bad mouth me enough to where we should get some relief for awhile.I have been reading other posts on here and I fear my enthusiasm of her having dropped us completely may be me being too optimistic.

[Riv3rW0lf]

The thing with BPD is : their biggest fear is abandonment. So they never let anyone completely go.

To give you an example, my BPDmother and father separated 30 years ago, AND SHE STILL TRIES TO FIND WAYS TO MEDDLE WITH HIS BUSINESS.

30 freaking years and she still badmouth him to us and tries her hardest to pit us against him. She still reaches out to him for "help" for her friends because of his career, all sweet and honey and then badmouth him the second his back is turned.. and I mean .. we are all grown children. There is no reason whatsoever why she would need to call him. She has been with my stepfather for 20 years now, yet, she still cannot let my father off the hook for some reasons... And it is all done, mostly, behind his back. He just sees, suddenly, my brother being pissed at him for example, and doesn't understand... That it is her in the background pulling strings and planting seeds of doubt about my father.

But know that, in the end : it doesn't change anything for him, for his life. He is not in contact with her, and as we all got older, we started seeing things more clearly and we all have a good relationship with him now, upon which she has no power. He is doing his things and doesn't really care about her panicking in the background.

So... Her drama will not stop, but if you remain no contact, which, with what she pulled with your wife's ex stalker (my jaw dropped), is completely reasonable... Then you don't have to suffer the direct consequences of it. There might be some flying monkeys, but it seems that most of your wife's sisters understand the game, so I don't see why your family wouldn't be safe and reasonably shielded from the ongoing drama of her life.

[beatricex]

hi DaylightDad,
Sadly, this is kind of the go to trick my BPD mother uses too.  I have cut ties with people, only to discover she is talking to them.  When the person is dangerous, it can be very frightening to think "what personal details might she be sharing to keep her position of power going."  Sometimes it is just a friend from my past, but it's still weird to think they had a conversation about me (and it was likely mostly a fabrication on my mom's part).  It's for attention, and is really about the need to control I think.

Will it stop?  Not likely anytime soon.  The best you can hope for is she'll move onto to someone else quickly.

Realistically what can you and your wife do?  I recommend not sharing any personal details with her, or on social media, if it may get back to her.  Things like: where you're going on vacation, real time.  What you're doing as a family.  sounds strange, but the less she knows about the specifics of your life the better.  One, it takes the focus off you and your family for her, so she will move on to someone else.  And two, it's not as fun for her if you don't make her jealous.  Jealousy is a big motivation for a lot of my Mom's upsetting behavior.  If I can lessen it for her, if I can realize some things I say or do get her emotionally dysregulated, I can work on Not saying those things to her. 

Another thing to do is get strong in your marriage.  Talk about this.  Talk about the 'what ifs.'  I thoroughly briefed my husband on all my Mom's shenanigans, so he knows if an ex contacts me, it was not My doing, it was likely hers.  One thing BPD's love to do is create a rift and sweep in to rescue.  Don't give her that power in your marriage, or with your child.

 
good luck, please come back and post an update soon
b

p.s.  The cameras are a great idea.  I recently caught my parents on my security footage showing up to our house after dark (car lights turned off) parking, walking up and throwing an object over the wall into our backyard.  Had I not had those cameras, I would have wondered how did this show up?  That's called gaslighting, when they try to make you believe you're going crazy...Better to know it's not your wife's stalker ex, it's just MIL (yes, it's typically the BPD when strange stuff happens), if something weird happens. 

[Daylightdad]

Yeah this makes a lot of sense now given some weird stuff she’s done in the past that I used to ignore as just her personality.An example is my wife’s best friend when our daughter was born made our child nice custom  blanket and Xmas decorations.

Long story short when my wife’s sisters had kids my MIL reached out to my wife’s best friend ( no they weren’t friends) and asked for all the same stuff for her other daughters kids .I found it odd that’s for sure but none of my business so I just kept it to myself .My wife was shocked a bit but also decided it was best to ignore it.

I’ve been reading a lot on here it seems many peoples stories have similar backgrounds as mine in terms of invasion of privacy .With that said I read on here about setting up boundaries and indirectly we had some up already that we now know to keep up .The first is social media posts we just don’t use social media anymore it’s been years .The less info they know the better from what I’ve read so we will keep that and increase it more .

My wife now realizes things we may say to her other sisters about their mother will now become 0.Any weird probing questions will be ignored .Just normal family talk and nothing more .

My wife sadly expects some form of reach out on either mothers day or my wife’s birthday in may .I hope it’s nice or at least civil because so far in the 3 years with my wife the MIL has ruined everyone of her birthdays somehow .Always a fight or drama now that I better understand BPD makes sense to me a bit more as to why.

[beatricex]

DaylightDad,
Birthdays are also really tough for me.  My BPD mom also ruins mine, every year.  I can really expect it now.

It's like she believe since she gave birth to me, it's her day, not mine!  amazing really.  Her identity is so tied up in being a mother, she needs the constant reinforcement she is a good mother (she's not), and she needs that validation on my birthday.  WTF?  Really, no amount of talking sense to her will help here, it's all about her and her needs not mine. 

I am no contact btw, because she love bombed me a year ago on my birthday.  It went on for a week, her insisting to know every detail of what I did, how I celebrated.  It was creepy, really.

What you can do for your wife, treat her extra gentle on mother's day and her birthday.  I mean, she needs it.  she's got a super crappy person to remind her "this is about me not you!" on her birthday, let her cry, hold her, be that caring person to her extra nice and validate her on her day. 

My husband and I have become stronger in our marriage because of the mental illness in our families, as the saying goes "take lemons and make lemonade!"  Since you can't change the dysfunctional person, only your reaction to them, what else is there to do?
 
b

[Methuen]

Daylight Dad - Two thoughts. One is how observant you are relatively early on to recognize her need for attention.  I call this high maintenance.  My second thought is that what your MIL has done is what pwBPD need to do - create chaos.  Chaos chaos chaos.  What your MIL has done is irrational and causing huge risk to safety. But it fits her need for chaos. 

My question is really are we free from this drama now and we can let our guard down?

No and never.  The moment you or your wife let the guard down, the chaos will start again. 

The key to getting it to stop is to not give her oxygen.  Don't engage with her.  Like others have said, give no personal information at all.  Respond to nothing (responding gives her oxygen).  If she's not getting a reaction, she will eventually have to move onto something which gives her a reaction. 

The personal cost to your wife, yourself and family, because of her need for chaos is horrifying.

I am so sorry.

[Daylightdad]

Thanks for the info and I am taking to heart the no attention.I will do everything in my power to not give her anything in anyway ever for our safety .So far no contact and I know through my wife’s sisters that my MIL completely despises me now so that’s probably a good thing for the  no contact !

[beatricex]

and I know through my wife’s sisters that my MIL completely despises me now so that’s probably a good thing for the  no contact !

Nice, you're making progress.  At least she's not totally ignorning the request, which is another thing my BPD mom likes to do, pretend like nothing has happened.

Daylightdad, just prepare yourself mentally for the backlash, because a smear campaign is probably next.  I had to listen to my BPD mom go on and on about my brother and law (my sister's husband).  The lies were woppers, she was even accusing him of doing criminal stuff.  And, she wanted me to agree! I guess that's why it's important to always be on our best behavior, since in a large family, people will struggle with what to believe and what is real.  The important thing is: you know what is real and you know who you are.  Get clear on your values, and keep the facts front and center (you value protecting your wife and kid, you value marriage, you value family, etc).  You are raising a daughter with your wife who you love.  You are protecting your wife from an unstable ex.  You are the solid rock in her life, not her mother.  You are valuable and doing the things you need to do to ensure the safety of her and your family.  Repeat to yourself as many times as is needed, because when the smear campaign comes, you need to know these things in your heart and mind.  Your intentions are good.  Her intentions are the ones that are questionable.

b

[Notwendy]

My question is really are we free from this drama now and we can let our guard down?

I agree with Methuen. As long as there's any contact with her or anyone else in her circle, likely not. It's a tough thing to balance since your wife may want to have contact with people in her circle- siblings, nieces, nephews. I too keep in mind that anything I say to anyone who has a connection with my BPD mother could be shared with her.

I am sorry you had to realize this situation in this way but I think it also helps your wife that you do understand it. My H will admit he thinks my mother is difficult, however, since he doesn't have a mother with BPD, I don't think he emotionally can relate to it but still he is supportive. The support is crucial to those of us who were told it isn't OK to have boundaries like we have to have. In our culture, it's not natural to have to be guarded with mothers, but I think you see why this is necessary.

[beatricex]

hi DaylightDad,
Just checking in with you.  How is your wife doing?  Mother's day is tomorrow...I know she had some expectations about it.
 
b