Working Together Makes It Difficult

[lost_in_FOG]

I just need to express some of the frustrations about this breakup.  One of the most difficult aspects of our situation is that my ex works across the hallway from me, and I still have to see her physically multiple times a day (though we do not communicate).  I've maintained No Contact for the past week, but it's still quite awkward to see her at work.  I've been split to black with her, and she won't even look at me which is for the best.  I just know I won't be split this way forever in her mind, as the memory of me is likely been stored away on a shelf somewhere for the day when she's feeling empty and needs a fix of my attention.

I also fear that whenever I'm healed and able to begin dating again, she will want to sabotage the relationship the way she has in the past.  Two years ago we broke up because I found out she had been lying to me about the relationship she was maintaining with her ex.  We were broken up for a few months before I started dating, but that was quickly destroyed when she stalked me on Instagram through a friend's account I hadn't blocked, then began calling and sending DMs on Instagram to the girl I was dating.  She made up a whole slew of stories about how I was lying to her, cheating on her, and would leave her discarded and abandoned with her life ruined "just like I had done to her".  What baffles me is that I allowed her back into my life (it was a gradual process of breaking down my boundaries), and got back with her. It's only gotten worse, and she ruined every single holiday, eroded my self esteem, and has left me so unbelievably confused.

We have recycled enough times (each recycle lasting shorter and with less real connection than the last) to make me never want her in my life again, not even as a friend. The unfortunate thing about this is that she's drop dead gorgeous (sexually alluring) and really good at her career. The sex that we had was the best I've ever experienced in my life, but only when we were on.  She would deny me affection for up to 6 months at a time, then love and sex bomb me with porn-style incredible nights that lasted for hours.  Then she'd return with no reason to a lack of affection and intimacy, and would gaslight me by saying she wasn't doing that but that she was just busy or tired, or whatever other excuse she felt like using to make me feel crazy. 

Our work friends all really like her because they only know her from casual interactions and social media posts.  She's incredible at branding (does it for a living) and paints a fantastic picture of herself as a mother, business owner, teacher, and friend.  I know the real story however, and it's nothing like the smoke and mirror facade she puts out into the world on social media. I know the details of her DAILY struggle with motherhood, the constant drama between her and her ex husband with whom she has a young child, the crippling depression, mood swings, moments of rage, promiscuity, impulsivity, paranoia, unfaithful behavior, etc.  To the public, they think of her as this incredible strong woman with great morals who is "god fearing" and dedicated to her role as a mother.  I know her as the woman who seems driven to torture me, use me when she wants to feel something, and push me away as if I mean nothing when she is occupied by something else she wants at the time.   She has cheated on me with constancy throughout the 5 years we've been together, and has falsely accused me of having other relationships and attacked me for the stories she invented followed by punishment in the form of silent treatment, harsh words, even physical abuse.  She is not the woman the public sees, and it really frustrates me that people don't see what I see.



 

[drumdog4M]

I appreciate your frustration, and I understand and believe what you see. We all have similar experiences with our ex pwBPD. In writing your post, I hope it will steel your resolve not to let her back into your life when she tries to pull you back in.

I cannot imagine how hard it must be working with an ex pwBPD. Is changing jobs a realistic longer term option for you?

Please hang in there.

[lost_in_FOG]

I cannot imagine how hard it must be working with an ex pwBPD. Is changing jobs a realistic longer term option for you?

Unfortunately changing jobs is not an option for me.  I have been the leader of my department for over 20 years and am only 7 years away from full retirement.  I'm not going to sacrifice that because she came into this job 5 years ago and turned it upside down.  She doesn't actually love this job (she's said so many times how badly she wants to quit).  She is trying her best to build her own business and not need to come to this job anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves it soon.  But I'm not going to let her ruin this important work that I do. I am passionate about my job and there are many people who are positively affected by my leadership here.