Harsh reality of the situation

[Silverdash]

We met up for a hot chocolate and walk in the late afternoon yesterday. I suggested available days. He chose that one, and said what time. When I arrived he had takeout hot chocolate drinks for us. We had a brief friendly chit chat in his place. Then he said he had only 20mins because he had an online work meeting.l at X time. We went for a brief 15min walk around the block. It was nice to see him.

BUT the big reveal from us meeting is: the harsh reality. I am not a priority. Our friendship is not a priority in his eyes. I drove an hour each way to meet up with him. A 2 hour roundtrip for barely 25mins of his time. He did send me several messages later that night about random things.

Part of me feels it may be best for me to message him some thing along like:

'I have enjoyed the relationship we have had together. In order for me to continue to respect your boundaries and to give you the space you need for your new relationships to flourish, I will be gently detaching from you. I know after you ended things we explored friendship, and I will cherish those memories. I will continue to value and respect you from a distance. If you do have time for
two-way friendship with me in the future, you have my number.'

I do worry about triggering a bPd backlash. He said previously he doesnt do that, BUT he also told me all about his crazy and mean exes.

Or would it be simpler to let friendship die from neglect, as it is one way

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[kells76]

BUT the big reveal from us meeting is: the harsh reality. I am not a priority. Our friendship is not a priority in his eyes. I drove an hour each way to meet up with him. A 2 hour roundtrip for barely 25mins of his time.

Sounds like you had a big insight. It must have been starkly clear "how things were" when you got together. How is it feeling to you to have that kind of "aha" moment or realization?

Part of me feels it may be best for me to message him some thing along like:

'I have enjoyed the relationship we have had together. In order for me to continue to respect your boundaries and to give you the space you need for your new relationships to flourish, I will be gently detaching from you. I know after you ended things we explored friendship, and I will cherish those memories. I will continue to value and respect you from a distance. If you do have time for
two-way friendship with me in the future, you have my number.'

What would be the "most ideal" outcome of sending that? I.e., what would be the "perfect" result of sending that "in an ideal world" / what do you hope for via sending that message?

Or would it be simpler to let friendship die from neglect, as it is one way

Interesting that you are having this insight, too.

As you think through what you want to do now, one concept to keep in mind is:

boundaries don't have to be announced or explained to others, to still be boundaries and to be effective for us.

When we find ourselves in a position where we are considering verbally describing boundaries to others (whom we want to be "affected" by our boundaries), that's an important tipoff to think about what we want to achieve by "announcing" the boundaries.

What we do -- our actions and choices -- are our boundaries. And our actions already communicate things inherently.

I'd be interested to hear your take on those ideas!

kells76

[Silverdash]

Sounds like you had a big insight. It must have been starkly clear "how things were" when you got together. How is it feeling to you to have that kind of "aha" moment or realization?

Excerpt

Weirdly when with him I was thinking friendship is workable. I noticed my physical yearning is gone [my therapist told me to focus on his neg physical attributes and mannerisms and it helped]. 24 hour later I can see how little I mean to him. His actions show little respect for my time. I feel numb and sad realizing this

What would be the "most ideal" outcome of sending that? I.e., what would be the "perfect" result of sending that "in an ideal world" / what do you hope for via sending that message?

Interesting that you are having this insight, too.

I think I feel a need to show that I have tried to make the diff types of our r/s work. I have respected changes and boundaries. I validate. I have invested huge time learning about BpD and "keeping my side of the street clean". If things are going to end Id prefer a clean definite end. If he were to review msgs at a later time to fact check, id want it to be clear that I was w/o fault. Its that feeling that we had some thing beautiful that he chose to end before it had fully blossomed. I also dont like the idea of me being used as a stabilizing third leg in his r/s stool. May be by cutting my self off from him I also want to pull away my self as a 3rd leg and cause his current r/s to have to stand on its own two feet. Is this me mentally trying to destabilize him and his GF? I hope not, I want to think Im not vindictive, BUT I do think w/o me around there will be needs that his GF cannot meet and he may realize that. Atm I meet certain emotional and support needs for him. His GF meets his needs for attention, affection, a stable r/s, love. If I pull away my attention I do think it could cause dysregulation for him...again I feel awful even contemplating being a catalyst for that.

Thank you for pointing out that I dont need to announce new boundaries in order to action them. If I do announce it could also tip power back in his direction.

[Silverdash]

I dont want my actions to be perceived as abandonment or ghosting.

[Cat Familiar]

Seems like you’re overthinking this, trying to manage his perceptions of you in the future. Are you still harboring hope that he might end his current relationship and return to you?

From a cold analytical perspective, what you are saying about being a stabilizing influence for him seems accurate, and filling his narcissistic need for admiration and support.

How little consideration of your time and energy that he had only a few minutes to share with you after your long drive to see him! Perhaps if you look at it from that perspective, you won’t be so concerned with wondering how he will reflect back on you in the future. It’s likely that he won’t spend much time doing that, as he will be onto the next target for his narcissistic validation.