Planning for Surgery

[grootyoda]

I’m having a fairly major surgery in a month where I am expecting to be on medical leave from work for 1-2 weeks and a lifting restriction for 6-8 weeks. Planning for this with my pwBPD is pretty difficult. I’ve tried to be really clear that she’s going to need to plan on being a caregiver for at least that first week, and provide a lot of the child care until I am off the lifting restriction.

My family is willing to help out, but they are not going to be able to be here and/or take over child care every single day for weeks at a time.

Thus far my pwBPD has only planned on taking time off for the day of the surgery and the day after (my expected discharge date) and insists that is all I told her she needed to do (I am really not sure where she got that from). Anyway, what the heck do I do? I’m halfway to the point of just assuming I need to make a care plan that does not rely on her whatsoever, but that comes with its own risks (I anticipate a response along the lines of “why don’t you want my help? Don’t you love me too?”).

Advice on navigating this?

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[formflier]

I like the idea of a care plan that "leaves the door open" for her...but does not depend on her.

So...when she is able to help it is a bonus and when she is not, your care plan is still intact.

Whatever you can do to focus on what you need and let your pwBPD focus on whatever...is likely to be a wise plan.

Best,

FF

[alterK]

Some people wBPD are strongly motivated to be caretakers. Others are so overwhelmed by their own preoccupations they have little to spare for others. If your partner is used to your being the major caretaker and problem solver, then the idea of your being incapacitated may make her very anxious. Perhaps you can tell from her past behavior what to expect.

FF's suggestion is a good one. Try to set things up so that you have some flexibility. If she can handle things, all well and good, but if she can't, you will need to have help ready. The time to plan is now, while you are still able to do tasks, lay in supplies, etc. Especially important if there's a kid involved. Not optimum, but best to be ready if things don't work out as you would hope.

[thankful person]

Good advice here. I was in surgery for 8 hours a few years ago. It was like my bpdw wanted to be the wonderful supportive partner looking after me. And she drove a long way to see me every day when she just passed her driving test. But then she got upset because I was so tired and put tremendous pressure on me to stay awake to “be with her”, even on the day of the 8 hour surgery. I was pretty incapacitated afterwards for several weeks but for some reason she decided it was a good time to book a visit for herself to a residential slimming health farm. So yeah, I’d just say to have few expectations but be open to any help she offers. Wishing you all the best for your procedure and a speedy recovery.

[grootyoda]

Thanks for weighing in. Honestly trying to navigate the lead up to my operation is pretty overwhelming. We’ve had a few “test runs” in the sense that I’ve gotten sick for 2-3 days a couple of times and needed to take extra rest to recover. Based on how those days have gone, I’m really anxious about how things are going to go post surgery. My experience has been that there is a window of time (maybe a day or day and a half) where my pwBPD will want to be extra helpful and do more with the kid, then after that it sort of turns. She will get angry at me, almost like I’m purposefully not getting better so she has to do more, and her general mood and behavior gets into the erratic/impulsive mode.

To be honest, it’s not even the expectation setting around how much help she can provide that I’m most worried about, it’s how much the reactive, dramatic behavior is going to impede my recovery.

[formflier]

To be honest, it’s not even the expectation setting around how much help she can provide that I’m most worried about, it’s how much the reactive, dramatic behavior is going to impede my recovery.

Can you flip it around from a "this might" affect things to a "this will" affect things and do you planning from there.

That way if she is a BPD booger...it's already planned for.  If she actually is nice, there is some bonus help around.

Best,

FF

[FirstSteps]

I agree with this.  Do not count on her and see any participation as a bonus.  But leave the door open on potentially important things.  Are there any activities where you could have other options that could back out?

My FOO is not super helpful but the one thing they are good at is committing to help and being cool when I say I don't need it.  Which is often, as my wBPD seems to come through more when I've lined up other resources.  I don't want to burn more casual or work relationships but my parents seem to just like being off the hook - even if they've built their schedule around helping.

[grootyoda]

So what I’ve settled on is working with my FOO on an “on call” list for weeknights and weekends of people who can come and be at the house to help with childcare and lifting during that first month after surgery. Also coordinating with a friend from church on a meal train for the first few weeks to make dealing with dinner much easier. I’m hoping that makes things go more smoothly. Still very nervous about how my pwBPD is going to react to so much of the caregiving and attention being directed towards my needs for an extended period of time, but at least I think the logistics are starting to come together.

[PeteWitsend]

How is it going?

[grootyoda]

Pretty touch and go. I've had some good phone calls with family members of mine and it sounds like I have a solid core of 3-4 that are willing to be available on weeknights and during the weekend to help during June. That part is pretty encouraging.

My pwBPD is a pretty back and forth story (as you might expect). Most days it seems like she is pretty focused on other things entirely and it can be a little difficult to get her to sit down and make a plan about this rather than working on projects that are really not the main priority right now (trying to redecorate the house, scheduling contractors to do an estimate on home improvements, etc). I've accepted that this is just how she is coping and, as long as I don't have to commit any time or finances to that stuff right now she's welcome to distract herself with it. Meanwhile, I'm primarily working with my mom on making sure our ducks are in a row for the surgery and recovery period.

[formflier]

  it can be a little difficult to get her to sit down and make a plan about this 

How often do you try to get her to sit down and plan?

My general advice would be to let her bring it up and for you to stop trying to get her to plan. 

I'm glad it sounds like you have a plan together that doesn't involve your wife. 

How far away from you is your Mom?

Best,

FF

[grootyoda]

I'd say I bring it up a few times a week, but I like your idea of waiting for her to bring it up. I had not really thought about that.

My mom is maybe 15-20 minutes away. She's familiar with the goings-on in my house and knows pretty much what to expect with my pwBPD. She's already planned on taking the next few weeks to focus on her own self-care so she can be ready to focus on helping out next month. She's been an absolute rock star through everything.

[formflier]

So...the chances of your pwBPD changing and becoming an attentive planner...about zilch..right?

So...the FF recommendation is you declare victory and plan with others.

When (if)   your wife brings it up make sure you have one or two things (smaller things) you can ask her to do.  Short simple things.

And make sure if she doesn't do them..that it's no big deal.

Best,

FF

[Harri]

Hi there.  I wish you the best of luck on your surgery and a quick and good recovery.

Others have all touched most of the points I though of except for one.   Make sure you let your doctors know that you will have 'limited' help most of the day.  I ahd to do that after major surgery and I simply said my family cares for me but is not good in a crisis and most of it would be on me to take care of.

I was able to get home heath care workers such as visiting nurses (which I think would be standard after surgery) to check my surgical wound and a CNA who came twice a week to bathe me and help me care for me.  Housework just fell off the charts but that could wait or is easily hired out.

Again, best wishes to you.  Your pwBPD will be who she is.  Expect it and plan accordingly as you are.

[grootyoda]

Thanks for the continued follow up, everybody. I really appreciate having people share their experiences and offer guidance.

formflier - I like your phrase "declare victory" I'd be interested to hear more about what that means. I heard it as "understand that the only win condition is to accept reality and go from there". That's been the general theme over the last few months, and it's been an important but emotionally painful process. I did take the step of sending my family a schedule to sign up for "volunteer back-up childcare", and so far the response on that has been pretty positive. Initially I tried to include my pwBPD in the process before moving forward, but it just kept turning into an ongoing back and forth of "let's set a time for us to do it together" that I could never get a real commitment about. Weirdly (or not), once I just took it upon myself to just go ahead and do it, she really wanted to help out, but it wasn't until I flat out decided "some version of this is getting sent out today" that she actually took real steps. However I got there, though, that's one thing that's been checked off the list.

Harri - thank you for the very practical advice. I'm not sure how much home care I will actually be getting, but I will definitely talk to my doctor's PA this week to see what my options are.

I'll try to post updates as I get closer to the actual surgery date. It may be a little few and far between because there are a lot of logistical matters I need to handle between now and then, but I'll do my best. Thanks again everyone. Be thinking about me.

[formflier]

"declare victory"..."move on"..."stop working on (insert task)"...

Basically you decide it's time to focus on something else and you won't return to the issue unless it have obviously changed (so don't come back and sniff around...you will know if a dramatic change has happened)


pwBPD seem to let things "pile up"...so this week you have this weeks problems..last weeks problems...last month (etc etc)...and nothing ever really gets decided...accomplished.

This is my advice to people to be the "anti-pwBPD"...to do things differently.  

Solve today's thing in a manner you can control...declare victory and move on to the next issue.  So that on any particular day..you are dealing with that days problems...and only that day.

Best,

FF

[grootyoda]

Just checking in. A couple of days left until the surgery. As we get closer to the actual day itself, my pwBPD seems to get more and more “checked out” of what’s happening. I know you guys have prepped me pretty well for what to expect (as has my therapist and the couples therapist we started seeing recently), but the degree of ambivalence towards what is a really scary and big deal for me is really grieving my heart. I’ve had several near come aparts where I needed to confirm she’d gotten days off she said she would or follow up on other items and she’s either forgotten when I’m going in or immediately changed the subject. It hurts more than I expected to just not feel like I have a partner who is genuinely invested in supporting me through this, and I needed to vent.