Opening up about my family to SO's family — what to say?

[FeelingStuck]

My boyfriend of 3 years and I plan to visit his family for Mother's Day weekend (this coming weekend). His mom told him I'm welcome to join them. This is the first time I'll be joining them for a 'parent's' holiday, and we're not married, so while I'm grateful they're being welcoming, I'm a bit apprehensive about bursting into their nuclear family circle. However, I think the sister's boyfriend will also be there, so I'm not the only SO planning to attend.

I like my SO's family and enjoy spending time with them. I haven't divulged details about my relationship with my uBPD mom, or generally my family situation, to them. SO's family is almost the picture of well functioning—nobody's perfect, but when they have disagreements, you can tell they actually care about resolving them and are gentle with each other. It's actually shocking for me to see how easily they get along with each other, but also sad at times when it prompts me to reflect on my own family. During the pandemic, there were a few times we stayed with them while working remotely for a week or two at a time, and we got closer through these experiences. When SO's parents ask how my parents are doing, I think they see how my face gets twisted up a bit while I try to say everything's good and share basic life/career updates, but maybe I'm an okay liar and they don't pick up on it—not sure.

This upcoming holiday presents an opportunity to open up. SO's family is likely wondering why I'll be with them and not my own mom this weekend, and I've been thinking about opening up to them for a while now. This is something I want to do, and now I just have to figure out how to do it. I've decided I want to bring it up with them either Saturday night when we get there, or during the following week. I don't want to make SO's mom's Mother's Day about me the way my mom always makes things about herself. What I'm struggling with now is how much to share, and whether there's a way to frame it productively so they know I'm not trying to put all my problems on them, and don't think I'm a crazy person whose problems are going to ruin their son's life.

Have any of you been through this type of conversation with a significant others' family or family in law? How did you know what to share, and how did it go? Any tips for me?

---

Here's the general outline of what I want to share:

Current situation
"Not going home for this holiday because I have a difficult relationship with my mom recently realized that she has a personality disorder. I’m taking the time to read about it and grapple with it these days. Up until now, I’ve tried to split holiday time between this family and my own, but after having seen how much being around my mom stresses SO out and makes him unhappy, it opened my eyes to how she affects me in a new way, and now I know it’s better for the both of us not to spend time with a person who makes either of us feel bad. Currently trying to keep in touch with her from afar, and have let her know there are certain things she does which upset me, and I don’t want to spend time with her unless she works on fixing them with a therapist. I don’t have a high level of confidence she will do that, though, so I've been very emotionally affected lately, feeling like I'm grieving the loss of my mom."

...Then, get into the basics of what BPD is and how it manifests into behavior that negatively affects others, and share that I still love my mom, but it is unhealthy for me to be around her most of the time.

Background about my mom's disorder and my childhood
- being isolated (no extended relatives, dad was demonized, no siblings, no family friends, was forced to prioritize academics and family over time spent with friends outside of school) and later parentified, which I think has contributed to separation anxiety that I feel, and general anxiety
- being made to feel guilty for wanting things or time for myself, especially in the face of my mom's more important needs
- being told that I don't care about my mom
- being told that I don't pay attention, and can't do things correctly
- moving me to a new state while divorcing my dad, promising it would just be for a year, and then wanting to stay there permanently, caving when I begged her to move with me back home, and ever since then telling me I ruined her life because we went back
- being gifted material things and then having those things taken away or used to coerce me into doing things I didn't want to do

There are some quotes from other posters on this site I want to read to them, because I think it will make it a bit easier to share vulnerable things using someone else's words. Here's an example from another poster:
“I remember reading - and I think it's true - that our society teaches us to love our mothers because they are loving and nurturing. We, wanting to be good people, want to love our mothers.  However, society doesn't readily acknowledge abusive mothers. Our situations don't fit well with society's preconceived ideas, so we are trapped between our own well being and being so-called "good people.”

I want to say that I really appreciate my SO and their family, and I have this feeling that I'm a burden on them because I don't have my own family to share much of my life with so I naturally gravitate toward them. I worry I'm a bit clingy with SO because I don't have this stable family to go to, and want to know that they should feel comfortable saying when they want to spend time with just him. I think I have picked up some negative habits from my parents and having spent years in an unhealthy family dynamic, and am trying to notice when I do things that are harmful or unproductive and unlearn them. So I want them to know that I pick up on the fact that sometimes I can be cynical or critical, which they may have seen, and I'm working to stop that.

[Turkish]

Our former boss transfered to another role the end of last year. No goodbye, no thank you, or "screw you" as my mom used to colorfully put it. He ghosted us. Very unprofessional.

One of the people in his new group came by to ask my colleague about our former boss. My colleague responded, "he's... an interesting person," to which the other guy responded, "An a-hole, eh? I can be one too!" Sometimes a lot can be communicated in few words, and less can be more.

I know you seek validation and understanding, and you may be happy that you have a good relationship with your SO's family, while at the same time feeling even more hurt that you can't have that relationship with your own. That's OK. You feel what you feel.

If it were me, and believe me that I got grief about my r/s with my mother, I wouldn't volunteer information and keep it short.

"My mother and I have a complicated relationship, but I'm glad that I am here with the family and that you welcome me."

If they press, I'd still resist the urge to gush. "My mom has always been an interesting person, and as a child, I've had difficulties that carry on to this day. Maybe in the future, I'll talk about it more, but for now I'd rather enjoy the company of your family."

They'll get it.

[kells76]

Turkish makes good points -- sometimes less is more, and "less" can actually communicate what we want, interestingly.

Choosing to share on the "less" side vs the "more" side also gives you a chance to "read the room" and see how your conversation partners are taking it. Your BFs parents and family sounds lovely and like a real gift! Even lovely people can need "a second" to process lots of new information. I'd hate for you to have an experience where you feel like you "did too much" and they being human maybe were caught up in processing and were less available to you to be supportive.

You and your BF have been together 3 years and you're with the fam on Mothers Day, so this sounds like a good LTR. You guys spend a decent amount of time with them. I wonder if you can spread out the information over multiple conversations and multiple visits? This gives the family a chance to be curious on their own, to approach you on their own, for there to be a back-and-forth. I think it would probably feel good to you if there were a moment when one of them came to you and said something like "I remember you mentioning it was complicated with your mom... how are you doing with that, what does that look like, etc"? It can really be OK to do "slow and steady" when sharing about family difficulties with the inlaws! You guys are in it for the long haul.

Drilling down to details... I'm with Turkish:

"My mother and I have a complicated relationship, but I'm glad that I am here with the family and that you welcome me."

Spot on. It gives them an opening if/when they are ready for more, and it doesn't overload anyone right off the bat. This won't be their "first rodeo", and I bet if they hear their son's GF saying "it's complicated with me and Mom" and then see her with them on Mothers Day, they'll put some pieces together.

One tweak I'd make to Turkish's "followup" might be:

"My mom has always been an interesting challenging person, and as a child, I've had difficulties that carry on to this day. Maybe in the future, I'll talk about it more, but for now I'd rather enjoy the company of your family."

Of course, once you do the "read the room" move of "complicated between me and mom... glad I'm here with you...", it's really possible that BF's parents might be ready for more then and say something like: "Oh my gosh, I feel for you... you know, Grandma and her sister seemed to have this hot-and-cold, black-and-white relationship, and we always thought it was because of the times, but now we learned more and think it's a psychological thing... what about you and your mom?"

That would be a pretty big sign that they are ready to hear more. I'd still choose on the side of "less is more" but with steps forward, like:

"Yeah, my mom has challenging traits like blaming, all-or-nothing thinking, and difficulty taking responsibility, and I've felt pretty hurt at times, so I'm getting counseling to work with it. When was the lightbulb moment for you guys? How have you dealt with Grandma's behaviors since then?"

So you have this option of keeping it a real conversation as you "read the room" and keeping it balanced with genuine back-and-forth.

I think you got this! And again to reiterate what Turkish said, I think "less is more" really shows trust that they'll have had some experiences like this before and will "get it".

Curious to hear what you think...

[Riv3rW0lf]

I personnally made the mistake of opening up "too much too soon". I thought it was safe, and a few months later, my husband made me realize his own mother was not authentic and probably talking in my back. Which I now have proof of, as she made a mistake and texted me instead of her friend, to whom she was talking about us and our recent decision to buy a big dog. She disapproves.  

All this to say: I wish I'd have kept it sweet and simple, and exposed myself a bit less.  They are not mean people, but now I imagine she told everyone... And this pains me, because this is my life and my "secret" and I was looking for approval. I didn't share it for the right reasons...

I tend to justify myself, to look for validation and I often end up regretting it. Not because people are always bad, but because after I open up so much, I often realize I really didn't want to open up about it, not with everyone anyway! I have a therapist for that.

It's not that I don't want to be true, far from it.. it's just that anyway : people don't even get it, especially those who didn't go through it... And for them : less is more.

One of my friend came by last week end. Her father was an alcoholic, like my mother. And she said it best : "When I tell people he was an alcoholic, I know most people don't understand. They don't realize all the weight it carries."

And she is absolutely right. I had the exact same experience... Before I realized my mother was BPD, I thought she was just alcoholic and when asked about her and my past, I would say : "she used to be an alcoholic" to explain the strain on our relationship. This is something that should be straight forward : alcoolism - as in the bus driver, who knew my mother, would drop me at a dark bar after school, at 7 years old, and I knew everyone there. You'd think people would get it? But they don't. They were just ah ok ! Business as usual... so imagine discussing BPD...

If someday you find yourself alone with your mother in law over some tea, maybe you will be able to talk more, and get the validation and support I sense you crave... For during a family holiday like that.. in my own experience, I'd also recommend keeping it short and not going in details.

[FeelingStuck]

Thanks everyone! I think I am hoping for some validation in sharing this part of myself with my boyfriend's family. I was surprised to read your advice that I should keep it short, but understand that has been right for you all and could be the right thing for me too. I have some thinking to do this week about how to share what I want to share without making it something that could potentially be fodder for gossip or judgement.

[pursuingJoy]

FeelingStuck, I agree with other posters that sharing brief statements is a great way to keep the focus on SO's mom, and it gently opens the door and invites these newer people into your life, to ask you questions in the future. Opening up with restraint, especially when you're in the middle of a storm and feeling huge emotions, takes courage.

I also want to encourage you not to underestimate this entire process of learning how to tell your story! It is powerful for you and others in your life. This is great work you're doing and I really appreciate you sharing with us.   I also respect that you're examining the habits you picked up from your family and developing an awareness of your clinginess as a result of neglect from your own family. What do you do to stabilize yourself when you start to feel clingy?

No matter what you choose to share this weekend, keep the great work you're doing, and keep us posted and let us know how it goes.  

[FeelingStuck]

PursuingJoy, I'm still figuring out how best to stabilize myself when feeling clingy. What's been working so far is to pause if I'm in the middle of conversation or action and think about what's making me upset, and then try to put that in perspective of the larger situation so my immediate, negative emotions don't seem so big or important anymore. I've also been prioritizing activities that I do by myself which feel fulfilling, like gardening, going to the gym, playing video games, and reading posts on this site.

I think the clinginess I have is a BPD trait. I'm not sure if there is a primary driver behind it, but it could be caused by some combination of societal ideas around what a happy, stable family is and my perceived lack of one, in addition to me experiencing my mom's clingy behavior growing up and ultimately mirroring it because that was my model for behavior.

[beatricex]

Hi FeelingStuck,
I read somewhere (can't remember where at the moment) that for all the reasons mentioned above it's very hard to explain to healthy people why we don't speak to our mothers.  The advice given on that site (wish I could remember which one) to ensure they could hear us, without judgement, and would be more likely to accept it recommended using neutral language.

Example:  Where is your Mom this Mother's day?
Me: I don't know, I realized some time ago that the relationship was toxic, so I have stepped back for now/chosen to give myself space for now (you didn't say she was toxic, you said it, the dynamic was toxic, kind of a no fault awareness came to you)  If toxic seems too harsh substitute dysfunctional or "wasn't serving either of us".

Then wait for them to ask questions.  If they do ask questions share more as appropriate.  If they share their own "dysfunction" story definetly share more.  one thing i'm continually surprised by is how prevalent mental illness is.  It's just not talked about.

brave of u to take the first step

 
b

[beatricex]

Still thinking about this this morning, thank you for sharing Feelingstuck, it's really helping me to hear your story.

My 50 yo self (me today) would also say to my future MIL (my actual MIL has passed, this is hypothetical, if I were younger) "I am choosing health for myself."  This acknowledges to yourself and her that you realize that because of FOO dynamics you have some stuff to work on.  You're open to the idea of working on you.  It's a positive.  If she shares or if she gives the old "but it's your mother she loves you...can I mediate (ugh)" argument (not the case with BPD's, but no one can really comprehend this, if they came from a healthy family), you can just be firm with her and show her you have confidence in your decision to go low contact.  Just say, "I am working on myself, but until I see my mother taking those steps to work on herself, I am hesitant to engage with her at this time."  Then just start complimenting your future MIL on what a great job she did raising her son (this is something you can both agree on), then Move on if she doesn't get it.  Change the topic quickly, if you have to.  Give yourself an out OK?  I feel it can really be re-traumatizing sharing with people who we really care about (she might be your family one day) who just don't get it.  You have a long time to get to know her, share who you are and get her on your side.  Doesn't have to happen today.

In other words, if you feel uncomfortable, don't share more.  People with zero experience with BPD really have a hard time accepting what we're telling them, it sounds so Twilight Zone.  It's like saying "my mom has purple hair" but they can't see her hair is dyed purple, only we can, and then we're trying to convince them of something they can't and won't ever see.

In future discussions, maybe keep in the back of your mind that the problem isn't that your Mom is mentally illl/has BPD, it's that she's unwilling to seek treatment.  BPD is curable, I just finished the Family Connections class, and those with mild BPD can and do get better with DBT.  Maybe pose that as an option to future MIL or yourself.  Say "ya, if my Mom were willing to get DBT, or another treatment, I think she could really improve."  It says to others you have done a lot of homework on the topic, there is hope, for future.  But the decision is really your Mom's, not yours.  And you are letting go of that for now, since you really want to focus on positive things yourself.

I write little notes to myself when I get discouraged about my Mom like "I am living my BEST LIFE!"  "I am choosing to focus on ME today, cause I Love ME."  Try to keep those little sayings in the back of your head, if you need to, during these discussions.

[pursuingJoy]

PursuingJoy, I'm still figuring out how best to stabilize myself when feeling clingy. What's been working so far is to pause if I'm in the middle of conversation or action and think about what's making me upset, and then try to put that in perspective of the larger situation so my immediate, negative emotions don't seem so big or important anymore. I've also been prioritizing activities that I do by myself which feel fulfilling, like gardening, going to the gym, playing video games, and reading posts on this site.

These sound like practical options! I like that you have more than one tool in your toolbox.

I think the clinginess I have is a BPD trait.

Really interesting that you say that because I've observed that my husband, whose mom is undiagnosed BPD, has/had some learned BPD traits. When questioned or examined, he can acknowledge them and adjust his approach. His mom can't do that.

Does your SO understand BPD? Do you talk about it?

[FeelingStuck]

Beatricex, thank you for these suggestions!

I don't know [where she is this Mother's Day], I realized some time ago that the relationship was toxic, so I have stepped back for now/chosen to give myself space for now..."

I like this and think instead of toxic I'll say "unhealthy" because that will keep the statement blameless and subtly imply there is a mental health issue.

Not sure if SO's parents would outright say something judgemental to me like "but it's your mom" ... I don't think they would say it, but they might think it, so proactively saying something like this could help: "I've asked my mom to work on some things in order to help our relationship get more healthy, and am taking time to focus on myself until then."

the problem isn't that your Mom is mentally illl/has BPD, it's that she's unwilling to seek treatment

This is a good point. If the conversation gets there, I'll lean on that.

I also feel more comfortable sharing with them because my SO's brother went through some mental health issues recently, for which their parents enlisted professional help. It involved an intervention, therapy, and a residential recovery program. They shared some of it with me (this was ~1.5 years ago), and I in return shared that I had been through some of the same things as SO's brother. I think before all this, SO's parents were not familiar with mental health issues and avenues of care. But through the process they also learned of friends with similar issues and had the realization they can be common. I'll still leave it up to them to ask me questions, and am hoping they feel ok doing so.

PursuingJoy, I've talked to my SO ad nauseum about BPD at this point, and he knows the major updates on interactions I've had with her.
He has some understanding of it, though I don't think he has had a lightbulb moment like me  because he hasn't lived the kind of experience we have. He's been willing to listen to me when I'm going on about whether to feel guilty for going LC or NC with my mom, and is supportive of me focusing on my needs. He has told me that he and his family are there for me, which was really lovely to hear (though I am realistic, I know I am not actually their 'relative').