Feeling Weak

[lost_in_FOG]

I'm very disappointed in myself.  I had finally gotten to the point where I was taking a stand and cutting her out of my life (again).  This time felt different than the others for me, as I have been working hard with my therapist, reading these threads, reading books about BPD, etc.  I had cut her from all social media, and had gone almost two weeks with no contact.  It seemed like things were headed in the right direction.   Then she lured me back.

The difficulty of my situation is that I work in fairly close proximity to her.  She's basically right across the hall, so there's really no way to completely avoid her. Add to that the fact that she now has a personal trainer and a whole new sexy wardrobe... and you can imagine the difficulty of my scenario.  She lured me back two days ago with her unbelievably sexy outfit and flirtation, had me chatting with her again... and then BAM just like always she found a way to have me feel insignificant.  Last night she went out on a 6 hour date with her "friend" Steve who has been a huge source of trauma in this 5 year relationship with my ex.  

When she is with me, she's on her phone all the time.  But when she goes out with him she has "The best time" and doesn't contact me the entire time.  She then waits for me to feel and express concern,  then belittles me for being insecure and untrusting.  It's a broken record that I keep forgetting will only play the same song over and over and over.   I wish my will power were better.

[Rev]

Hi Lost,

Sounds like you've come to stuck place. The thing that makes me say that is your comment about "stronger will power", almost like you are hoping to push your way out of something.

Sometimes, I see these kinds of moments as times for a reset - like a relapse that tells us that your healing needs to be re-aligned - like resetting a broken bone.

So, if it's okay, I'd like to ask you a question.

Let's assume that will power is not the issue.  Is there something that has returned to your thinking or an event that has caused distress that is making the situation heavier in some way for you?

What do you think?

Hang in there.

Rev