Never Ending Abuse From Flying Monkeys and Stories about Successful No Contact

[zachira]

I hate to be posting on here again. As many members know, I am trying to end all financial and legal ties with my siblings and their flying monkeys. The abuse just never ends. Today I got another really abusive email from a narcissist who works for the Homeowners Association (HOA) and who is friends with my NPD sister and her flying monkeys. I did respond like before and asked her once again to not contact me directly and to go through management.The issue is she broke into my house doing work she felt needed to be done (for the second time) and now is billing me for it. She also did thousands of dollars of work on the community property of the HOA which she was not authorized to do, billed them for it, and they paid her.The HOA management really wants nothing to do with running the HOA, and getting anybody to work on the property is a real challenge. I suspect I will be told to pay her as well. I also contacted the HOA once again and asked them to directly address any issues with her. I am doing my best to not be involved with the flying monkeys though for business reasons and personal reasons, I sometimes have to contact them. I could go on writing about the latest egregious behaviors, and all I have to do to sever the ties with my siblings which may never happen because of all the legal and financial ties that my BPD mother set up so we would never abandon her, even after she was deceased. I do have a lawyer hired to help me with what I can't do and I have limited financial resources. Nearly every day, I try to spend some time addressing the issues that need to be dealt with, and then more things come up that I have to deal with. I can't end the abuse until I sever all financial and legal ties with these people. I have many months and years ahead until I will be free to have my own life, and I may never be free. Maybe I need to stop catastrophizing. I just feel so much better when I am around normal people who treat me with respect yet kindly let me know when they disagree with me. I feel like my life is being wasted having to deal with people who I can't change and who hurt me beyond what I can put into words. I would really love to dedicate most of my time to making a difference in the lives of others, as so many people have done with me, often complete strangers who have given me the respect and kindness I will never get from most of my family members and their flying monkeys.
I would really love to hear the stories of other people who have gone successfully no contact with their family members and the flying monkeys. I get courage to go on from reading other stories of people making a better life for themselves after severing ties with the family members and flying monkeys who disrespected and mistreated them. It makes me so happy to see others succeed in ending the ongoing nightmare and actually having happier productive lives since going no contact. These types of stories give me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Notwendy]

In general, Zachira, I think a successful NC involves not having any ties whatsoever. Financial ties makes it necessary to engage in some way, and engagement is drama. I know you are taking steps to untangle yourself from this.

I think going NC inevitably involves some kind of loss. When my father was alive, going NC with my mother would also include going NC with him. I didn't want to do that.

Finances with my mother requires her being in control. To avoid this, I can not have any kind of material connection with her whatsoever.

I think you already know that your dealings with your abusive family members are combined with the property. Unfortunately, the choice seems to be between losing something material and gaining freedom or a long term entanglement and emotional drama. IMHO, the quickest way to dissolve joint ownership, even if it involved a loss, may be the path to getting out of this entanglement.

While it may be unfair, one way I deal with this is existentially. Their Karma is their own. My job is to be mindful of my own ethics. One problem with trying to deal fairly with people who don't play fair, is that they don't play fair and you would not go to the level they would.

My H had a business partner who went that low. H tried to recover the money this partner has swindled. At first my H was set on this for the sake of justice. However, this unscrupulous ex partner also hired an unscrupulous attorney. After a while, we saw that the cost of trying to recover the money would take a large amount of what we might recover, and that this ex partner would drag this out as long as possible. Just letting go was the only decision that would allow us to disengage and move on.

I know you want to get what you deserve and not allow them to roll you over. I hope your lawyer can come up with a solution that doesn't require you to lose too much, but gets you untangled financially with them as quickly as possible while minimizing the loss to you, but I believe there's some loss when dealing with unethical people.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I appreciate your reply and your always kind helpful perspective. If I had the financial means to do so, I would hire a lawyer to take care of everything. I am prepared to take some losses, and there is a limit to what I can lose without being bankrupt. My NPD sister is wealthy, and there is nothing that would please her more than to get into some legal disputes with me that leave me homeless and with no financial resources. She is a malignant narcissist, with strong sociopathic tendencies. I am carefully proceeding, setting the alarm to get up early, and working most days on this, though often taking the weekend or some days off. I try to do things I enjoy early in the morning and the evenings. What leaves me so emotionally bankrupt is the abuse that comes out of nowhere from either my BPD brother or my NPD sister or the endless number of flying monkeys who are either family members, friends of the family, or people connected in some way with the family. I agree with you that NC would be the ideal and right now it is not possible. Yesterday I was feeling so down by some of the latest rounds of abuse, than I got out there interacted with the world, and the few people I had contact with which were business contacts and one stranger were so kind and a joy to connect with. I did not mention any of my family problems, and I try to limit that to PSI, where there is so much understanding, generosity, and kindness. I feel I have to post about some of the most egregious treatment which helps me to move on, without too many specific details as I do not want individual posts to be recognizable by my abusers. Of course, if they were to go back and read several of my posts, they would likely know it was me.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I personnally find writing down the abuse we went through cathartic. It is easy for me though, because my family don't speak English, so the risks of them actually finding this website and recognizing me are close to nonexistent.

If you feel like the risks of being recognized are too high, but yet need to share, if only to get it out there, feel free to send me a private message, or not. No pressure, I will not take it personnally. And this is not voyeurism either. I just... For me, writing in a journal helps, but there is something a bit stronger when another human being actually reads it and acknowledges it, so I think I understand what you mean when you say you feel you have to write down some of the abuse... Or maybe contact the person on this website you feel the closest with and ask them if they want to hear your story in private, I am sure they will, because like you said : people on here are so very kind and generous and healing oriented.

I never spoke as a child. Nor as a teenager. I kept everything bottled up. I would sit quietly and make myself very small. Read all day or play video games. I let my mother make up my story. I let her do it so much that I forgot it. I forgot my own story. And I am just starting to remember it and for me : telling it to the world is necessary and part of my healing process. To validate myself. To let myself know : I have a right to share MY story too. I don't have to sit silently and take on the abuse and gaslighting. And I think that's also why therapy helps so much. There is something in being heard (or read) by another human being that really helps.

[zachira]

Riv3rW0lf,
I appreciate your offer to let me contact you. I think I am okay as my dysfunctional family members have no interest in mental health or ever seeing a therapist, so I doubt they would find this site. Part of my concern, is there are things that do not belong on a site that anybody can access. Sometimes members ask me for more details, one person in particular, and the reason I did not post those details is I did not think it was wise to do so. I also find that being heard and seen by another human being really helps, especially when we come from families in which we are silenced and scapegoated into supporting the toxic abusive family narratives. I love to learn foreign languages. You have native proficiency in English. Do you mind sharing what your native tongue is or would that be something you would not feel comfortable sharing on this site?

[Riv3rW0lf]

You have native proficiency in English. Do you mind sharing what your native tongue is or would that be something you would not feel comfortable sharing on this site?

Thank you Zachira !

My native tongue is french.

Now that you know it, you might see it more when I write ! The grammar and choice of words give me out.

[zachira]

I speak French as well, though not a native speaker. The French have the best writers and I often read their works in French.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I speak French as well, though not a native speaker. The French have the best writers and I often read their works in French.

With works of art, when possible, it is always better in the language it was written. There is so much that get lost in translation. It is too bad I only know the two ! I studied litterature for two years before I switched to my current field. We were reading South American Litterature. I remember I fell in love with Gabriel Garcia Marquez (I am just thinking I should read him again... 100 ans de solitude was one I devoured). I wish I could read his work in his native tongue!

You mentioned you like to learn new languages? Are there others you know?

[zachira]

I have read "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Garcia Marquez in Spanish. I have fooled around with a bunch of other languages though not proficient in them. A lot does get lost in translation. My love of languages and different cultures have helped me to figure out that there are so many delightful different ways to see things, and that my dysfunctional family and their culture does not have a monopoly on what is best for everybody.

[Turkish]

management.The issue is she broke into my house doing work she felt needed to be done (for the second time) and now is billing me for it.

If she didn't post a notice, illegal as hell, no?

[zachira]

Turkish,
I would say likely illegal. Problem with this lady is her entitlement, narcissism, that everything she does is alright and everybody else is in the wrong.

[Turkish]

Turkish,
I would say likely illegal. Problem with this lady is her entitlement, narcissism, that everything she does is alright and everybody else is in the wrong.

Will you pursue this? You have that right.

[zachira]

Turkish,
I have contacted the HOA and they want me to forget about it, because employees are so hard to find. I realize I could file a police report, and it would not be worth the problems it would create for me. I never win when I am surrounded by my NPD sister's flying monkeys. I am still very reactive most of the time when I am made the bad guy when I did nothing wrong and the othe person who did the wrong doing is given a free pass. Thank you for responding and getting it, that what this lady did was illegal: breaking and entering..

[Turkish]

I have contacted the HOA and they want me to forget about it, because employees are so hard to find

I've spent the better part of five decades learning to advocate more for myself. Yet violation of your home is utterly unacceptable. You are an owner, not a renter, yes?

"I'll let it slide this ONE TIME mother(PLEASE READ)ers, I'll call the cops next time, but there won't be a next time, yes? Don't answer. That's rhetorical. Just nod your heads." Adding, "your employment issues are irrelevant and not my concern."

Well, maybe drop the last part as JADEing  

[formflier]

I think you should file a police report.

Otherwise, with no consequences or pushback...there will be more "break ins" to do work.

It's not about solving this incident..it's about risk management for the future.

Best,

FF

[zachira]

Turkish and Formflier,
I have to pick my battles, and I have endless ones to deal with until I can end all the legal and financial ties with my siblings. The flying monkeys will probably always be around as I have family members and friends in the community who are connected to the flying monkeys, just by being part of the community which is my lifelong connection to friends and some family members who I want in my life at least right now. I am considering threatening to file a police report if it comes down to that, as I will not pay this woman for breaking into my house. Unfortunately the emails from the flying monkeys from the HOA do not support me as they want to keep a "good employee". In the past, the Board was supported in keeping a "good employee" who stole many thousands of dollars. I feel that the heartbreak will never end and I have to do everything I can to keep my head up. I am hated by so many people for just being me, for refusing to be the scapegoat anymore, for seeing the disordered people for who they are. I am doing my best to surround myself with healthy people which means I have few friends though the ones I do have are wonderful people, and the friendships developed over time with lots of authentic contact, which is how healthy friendships are made. Unfortunately the people who I am dealing with who are extremely narcissistic thrive on having a large community of superficial relationships with lots of people who mutually stroke each others egos. These people detest being confronted with their behaviors, and my only chance to get things done more in my favor, is to stand up when it works to do so.

[formflier]

Hey...please don't "hear" any criticism here.  Instead a couple of nudges to think critically and strategically about your boundaries and the "battles" you will pick.

100% agree...responding to EVERY affront is NOT a good strategy, as is ignoring all of them.

So...it would seem the most critical thing you can do is think clearly (and as non emotionally as possible) about where to draw your line(s).

Seems to me that criminal activity is a very important distinction. 

How many other crimes have you let slide?

Best,

FF

[zachira]

Formflier,
I agree with you. I have let many crimes slide. Now I pick my battles and choose to fight the ones that matter the most. The reason I even own this house, is I had to stand up to my sister and her top notch lawyer, and force her to sell the house to me because she is constantly trying to put large illegal deductions on the taxes for the house that could mean thousands of dollars in penalties and possibly crimminal convictions with some prison time until the statue of limitations run out. If I would have let her have the house, she would control the filing of the taxes for 2021. Once again she tried to put all kinds of illegal deductions on the taxes, and she couldn't because as the owner of the house I have the control over the tax filings. The other years, I stood my ground until the tax accountant filed the taxes correctly and there were no illegal deductions. What I am thinking now, is I may need to sell the house to get away from the bullies at the HOA.

[formflier]

Formflier,
I agree with you. I have let many crimes slide. 

How many have been prosecuted?  What was the result in court?

Best,

FF

[zachira]

Formflier,
It is not wise for me to give you the details of my legal problems and it is poor boundaries. I am not wealthy and do not have the means to stand up to a lot of these people, who would leave me broke and on the street with no financial resources because most of my abusers are wealthy and have resources I do not have. Just wanted you to hear that my problems are mainly about protecting myself from being involved in crimminal activity and the hurt from the brutal abuse I am going through. I have so much more to go through and I don't know how much more I can take. I have to pick my battles. My long term goal is to be able to walk away from it all, and never have to deal with any of these horrible people anymore, and I don't know if this will ever happen because of the legal and financial obligations to my siblings, which may be too costly for me to resolve. I am doing most of the work, with a lawyer retained to only do the essential work, as I have limited financial resources.