Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 02:14:33 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: So Lost After My BPD Ex - I don’t know what to do.  (Read 1023 times)
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« on: May 04, 2022, 11:51:08 AM »

Soo I don’t know where to start…

I met my BPD ex whilst married something I am not proud of. I was going through a tough spell at the time and she filled everything that I was missing. She was single with two children to two different men.

Looking back I missed so many red flags. I knew she had history of depression and made her seek help early into the relationship. I pushed her to get help as I thought she was wonderful. She did and started therapy. I’ll come back to this….

We work for the same company and quickly after we started seeing each other I would hear rumours of her being with other men in the office.

However I kept on with the affair and more and more revelations kept coming out so I quizzed her on some. All she denied for months. I was never convinced. She has a number of illnesses and one night while she was in hospital texting me she confessed to a number of them. All hook ups after her marriage ended with people inside and outside of work. One of which resulted in a pregnancy and a termination. She wasn’t with me at this time I must add.

She tries to take 2 overdoses because she thinks I won’t commit to her. The 2nd resulted in her dad collecting her and making her stay with them for her own safety

Fast forward two months and I find myself in the same situation with her finding herself pregnant. Due to not sorting anything with my marriage or with the child I had with my wife we decided to have an abortion also. I was planning to leave my wife but didn’t want to do it like this.

Things between us were great despite all the flags she had no friends, family didn’t really have anything to do with her either. Apparently I was her soul mate. She heaped praise on me like I had never experienced.. best in bed, best looking, following my sports team. You name it she did it.

Then all of a sudden the only friend she had she was going more frequently and kept mentioning a neighbour. Due to her past I was already suspicious and felt something wasn’t right. I was renovating her garden decking and being with her as much as I could whilst I could sort my situation in a way I thought was best.

At this stage she was getting counselling but that had been delayed due to the pandemic.

Things seemed to be going great yet the going to her friends was ramping up. Nearly one year in and after 3 or 4 weeks of going to the friends had ramped up. I picked her up from there after a party the night before and I could tell something was off. That week we argued and didn’t speak for 2 or 3 days. Then I confronted her about the man she kept mentioning at her friends who was a neighbour. She denied it got angry and then when I told her I had prove and showed her his mobile number which I had obtained. I was bluffing her and she then said well yes we have text and it was about jobs and work! She then flew into a rage. She blocked me from everything and wouldn’t listen to me. Over the next few days I tried to reach out with no success. I drove to the coast to leave flowers at the hotel she was staying at with said “friend” over 100 miles hoping she would get back in touch.
3 weeks later I get unblocked so ask her why she’s unblocked me. She admits to kissing him at the party and texting him after which resulted in her staying at his house 3 nights during the 3 weeks having sex on the first night unprotected.

She kept saying well we were over and doesn’t see what’s shes done. I was days away from committing to her and losing my child for a long period of time.

Like a fool I left my wife to be with her and lived with her 50% of the time and with my mum the rest so I could have my child there. I didn’t tell my wife I had someone else I just told her I was leaving and further down the line I would have introduced her.

7 months later I start getting messages of the man she slept with trying to threaten. Her friend had given him my number as revenge because she wasn’t going to her house as much for obvious reasons… she never challenged the friend as she denied it but was obviously her.  

Then in the same week she gets diagnosed with BPD. I order a book to try and help with it .i mistakingly ordered it to her house not my mums and she flew into a rage and again said it was over. I was broken. I told her not to do something stupid 2 months later she’s seeing a gym freak who’s old enough to be her dad. Who she allows to take her to hospital for a serious operation. And who she also-spend a significant birthday with.. I was going out of my mind. I wanted to care for her, I’d been to all her other appointments and I was literally going Crazy.

2 months later she was back after unblocking me and I reached out to her and we started talking and again all the same stuff I can’t live without you etc. we slept together a couple of times and in this time my wife found out about her and well you can imagine.

We have kept in touch and I didn’t want to be hurt again so again kept saying I couldn’t be what she wanted anymore. She a day later it seems has gotten someone else and I am broken again.
I am currently blocked and that’s never a good sign.

Thanks for listening and id love to know your thoughts.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2022, 12:00:53 PM by WithACapitalH » Logged
EZEarache
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 240


« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2022, 02:19:19 PM »

I'm sorry you've had to experience all of this WithACapitalH.

The thing I would say personally is you should start to focus on selfcare. It sounds like you put a lot on the line to be with your exGFwBPD. Not the least of which are your children.

You might want to ask yourself, "Why was this person's affection so important to me?"
Along with, "What was I gaining that I couldn't fulfill in other ways?"

What things do you enjoy, that will make it easier not to ruminate on both your ExWife and your ExGFwBPD? Start focusing on these things again. Maybe you haven't taken the time to do them in a very long time. Now is the time to start again. Maybe it's simply finding a new activity.

It sounds like you already have told  her you can't be what she needs you to be. That is a big step. I'm sure this is very painful.

The good news is, it WILL get easier over time. You will learn a lot about yourself and others in the process so that you hopefully don't find yourself in the same behavior patterns.
Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2022, 04:18:12 PM »

Hi CapitalH

Welcome! And thank you for taking time to share your story. I am sorry you are where you are, and I am happy that you have found us.

These relationships can really leave us mis-aligned. In many cases that I have heard, particularly where men are concerned, their partners latch on to an already festering problem - present themselves as an almost miraculous remedy - we actively supress the red flags - and things end up badly.  This is not to lay blame. It's to affirm the pattern that seems to be present in your story as well. Can you relate?  What part of this reflection resonates? Which part doesn't?

And yes, as EZ has said, the longer you spend here, the more you share and reflect, the deeper the learning will be. Not all of this is fun I'll tell you from personal experience - but the rewards are worth it. The goal is not jump from the frying pan into the fire.

Those are the "thoughts" that came to mind as I read your testimony.

What are your thoughts after reading mine and EZ's?  What are your best hopes in joining this community?

Hang in there. It does get better. Coming here and sharing like you did takes courage. AND that is a great step.

Reach out any time.

Rev
Logged
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2022, 03:35:59 AM »

Thanks both,

I really appreciate your thoughts. I agree with everything you have said.

I am finding it really hard that someone who I love dearly could do the things she did. I know there are parts which I have played a part in to hinder our time together but the pain I feel from her moving on to other people so quick hurts.

She was my everything, I thought I was that for her also.

I am coming to the realisation that even if I had of committed to her these problems would have arose. She can’t be happy as her actions are reckless.

I just wanted the best for her. To give her children and my child the best family life we could.

I can’t forgive her for shattering my dreams for a great future. I would have looked after her in every way possible but ultimately  it wouldn’t have been enough.
Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2022, 05:04:37 AM »

Thanks both,

I really appreciate your thoughts. I agree with everything you have said.

I am finding it really hard that someone who I love dearly could do the things she did. I know there are parts which I have played a part in to hinder our time together but the pain I feel from her moving on to other people so quick hurts.

She was my everything, I thought I was that for her also.

I am coming to the realisation that even if I had of committed to her these problems would have arose. She can’t be happy as her actions are reckless.

I just wanted the best for her. To give her children and my child the best family life we could.

I can’t forgive her for shattering my dreams for a great future. I would have looked after her in every way possible but ultimately  it wouldn’t have been enough.

Hi again ,

So these words are really getting to the truth of the matter.

These relationships really do leave us completely upside down. It can be as if the person we were with simply vanished. My ex wife left me ... are you ready for this ... for her brother after having found him on ancestry DNA (she's adopted - the had the same father and their mothers were sisters).  I mention this because your ex-gf appears to have impulse control issues as well - often this will play out in all sorts of reckless behavior - in this case it appears to be sex.

Bottom line - the person you thought you were was and is a mirage. If she is with someone else, she is pretending to be someone else. This is what is known as mirroring, where the person becomes adept at reflecting back to a person the behavior that will elicit the response they are looking for. Often, the response they are looking for is the feeling they have ... in the moment.  So, if they are feeling angry, they will provoke you to feel angry (a form of projection) in order to A) put their feelings into a context because they can't regulate B) Ultimately reject that feeling because they are so laden with shame.

What, if you don't mind my asking, are your best hopes for coming to connect here?  Do you have some specific questions, or goals in mind?  There's no requirement that you do.  I was just wondering.

In the meantime, here's a great link where the author lists all the red flags he missed at the beginning. I found it helpful because I was a total mess after the relationship ended - so bad that I couch surfed at my best friend for two months to heal after having had two panic attacks in succession. My nervous system was shot. Praise God that I had an entire months vacation in there where I essentially slept, went for long walks and longer drives and smoked more cigarettes than I care to admit.  

That was almost 3 years ago. Depending on your personality and goals there are different ways to go about healing and moving on. And it does get better with time, provided you don't rush past the painful parts, keep moving and put the work in.

The amount of honesty you've shared here suggests to me that you've got the goods to get there, even if maybe right now it doesn't exactly feel like it.

Thoughts?

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev

« Last Edit: May 05, 2022, 05:12:40 AM by Rev » Logged
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2022, 06:03:01 AM »

Thanks Rev.

I don’t really have goals in mind just wanted to speak out to see if people had similar issues and stories. There is almost an element of me being scared as I know she will come back at some point and I will be taken in my her lies and tales of woe again.

I care for her and jumping into a relationship with someone else wont help her. I care for her deeply and no doubt always will. I find it so hard that after all the things she said that this would be so easy for her to do.

I know I cheated on my wife but I think I am a good person and wanted to help.

I just feel so alone now. It’s so hard as I have never felt this way about anyone. When I told her she was the love of my life I meant it. Did she?

Anyway thanks for listening to me once again.
Logged
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2022, 06:22:18 AM »

Also could you share the link you mentioned? Thanks
Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2022, 07:09:34 AM »

Also could you share the link you mentioned? Thanks

So that's a legitimate fear - the one about being sucked back in.  I tried to leave 3 times. Three times, fear of leaving and "failing" kept me coming back, even though in my gut I knew it was a mistake.  I think you should listen to that fear as a warning signal that your healing is not yet adequate to protect yourself on your own steam.

One thing that I did was, like in an Al-Anon kind of way, was make myself accountable to my best friend. I told him and his wife to please do everything to stop me from ever going back. You might consider finding such a "sponsor" for yourself.

And - I'd also invite you to reframe the word "cheat" with your marriage. I understand that perhaps you wish that you might have left differently and that maybe if you had, things would have ended differently. And maybe that's true. And more likely, that's only partly true, and there's a good chance that it's only a small part. Break-ups are never not-messy (double negative for emphasis). 

So from where I sit, it sounds like one immediate goal is to heal to the point that you know that you would never go back, no matter how hard she tried to lure you back. It happens almost 100% of the time in these relationships - the attempt to lure you back. If it doesn't, count yourself as lucky.

Here's the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all

And, have you done any of your own reading about BPD/NPD conditions?  I found it helpful to make sense of what I had lived in order to understand why I was suppressing the red flags that were so evident - from day one.

Rev
Logged
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2022, 08:25:37 AM »

Thanks Rev.

Id like to believe that’s the primary goal yes. Getting her not to come back and have the strength if she does to ignore. I am trying to be strong but I go from one minute hating her to loving her and thinking what’s she’s doing will only hurt her further. Not just her but her Children. She has no real support network and is hurting her self massively. I just can’t switch off whether it be good or bad.

I have done exactly as you mention with Friends. I have given my friend all my passwords for social media so I can’t look for her and see her with a new man. He’s changed the passwords so I can’t get back in and will only give me them when he feels I am ready.

Logged
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2022, 08:50:29 AM »

Sorry I forgot to add I am reading about BPD all the time and I am shocked by some of it.

I just fell for a person and to think that person never existed is something I can’t get my head around
Logged
SinisterComplex
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2022, 01:12:49 PM »

Sorry I forgot to add I am reading about BPD all the time and I am shocked by some of it.

I just fell for a person and to think that person never existed is something I can’t get my head around

Don't be so hard on yourself. Still be kind to you and take care of you. How you feel is par for the course. Myself and the team here are always around to help and the community here will definitely help you along your journey.

Just remember it can happen to anyone.

Keep your head up and keep posting and venting. You are a part of the FAM now.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2022, 01:49:11 PM »

Thanks SC

It’s hard not to be tough on yourself when this is pain like you have never experienced.

Im really glad I have reached out. Reading other posts certainly has helped. I am still confused with a lot of things but hopefully on the way to navigate through it
Logged
SinisterComplex
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2022, 02:46:51 PM »

Thanks SC

It’s hard not to be tough on yourself when this is pain like you have never experienced.

Im really glad I have reached out. Reading other posts certainly has helped. I am still confused with a lot of things but hopefully on the way to navigate through it

Trust me...I get it and I understand. What you will get here as opposed to anywhere else is that not only will you deal with highly educated and trained mental health experts, but we also have our own personal experiences and then the community here as a whole is a family and all of us here have been through some S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). So when any of us say we get it or understand we truly mean it and you should not feel you are being dismissed, but rather you are being heard and validated.

So something that may help you is understanding that yes the scars will always remain, but the pain you are in is temporary and it will go away and it will get better. This experience will make you stronger and a better version of yourself as long as you give yourself a break, have patience, take baby steps and work toward improving one day at a time.

We have your back and you are going to get through this. Think of this as a challenge and a hurdle you just haven't jumped over yet. If you need a motivational quote to apply to your situation it is the code I live by..."Through Adversity There Is Redemption."

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2022, 02:03:01 PM »

Thanks again SC

That’s a great motto

Todays been another tough day! Does it ever get any easier! Im constantly ruminating and it’s horrible. I can’t switch off
Logged
SinisterComplex
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #14 on: May 06, 2022, 03:50:50 PM »

Thanks again SC

That’s a great motto

Todays been another tough day! Does it ever get any easier! Im constantly ruminating and it’s horrible. I can’t switch off

Yes it does get it easier. Unfortunately it is a part of the process. There will come a day where you naturally just stop giving a F Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). Then you will have the cycle of why in the hell did I let this bother me so bad? Then the anger will turn into relief and you will start feel like a black cloud whisked away and a weight has been lifted off of you. It is going to take some time my friend, but you will be ok and you will get through it and it will indeed get easier.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
Logged

Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Goosey
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 375


« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2022, 08:39:07 AM »

Stages of grief.  No rhyme nor reason. Resignation is a nice fleeting stage that pops in for a stay fleetingly.  The first stages are long gone, just like her. 
Logged
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #16 on: May 13, 2022, 12:29:35 AM »

Stages of grief.  No rhyme nor reason. Resignation is a nice fleeting stage that pops in for a stay fleetingly.  The first stages are long gone, just like her. 

It’s truely awful Goosey isn’t it

Im still a mess and the thought of her again with someone else kills me.

I know I shouldn’t look back and run but she’s in my head 24/7
Logged
Rev
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced and now happily remarried.
Posts: 1389


The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #17 on: May 16, 2022, 05:50:06 AM »

It’s truely awful Goosey isn’t it

Im still a mess and the thought of her again with someone else kills me.

I know I shouldn’t look back and run but she’s in my head 24/7

As many times as you need to come here to say that, do it. And yes - mine was in my head 24/7 -  until it was 20 / 7 and then 15 / 7 and so on.

I found that once I got to the middle piece like she was on my mind, but that I could distract myself that she wasn't - then that was a pivot point to help get the closure and accept why I had suppressed SO MANY red flags.   And now, three years later, I still think about her - which is natural - she abused me pretty badly - one does not forget that easily - BUT the emotional charge is long, long gone. And I am actually starting to truly feel sorry for her. What a horrible existence to have BPD and live such a broken life. Key to all of this - I worked on myself, my goals for the sole purpose of those goals.

Hope this gives you some insight.

Rev
Logged
Goosey
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 375


« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2022, 07:29:03 PM »

Thanks Rev.   yes sometimes I drive down a local  highway which I know she lives just off of and…. Later notice that I forgot to react to it, seemed impossible years ago.  Then like times today I see a small picture album my daughter had out with pictures of my daughter and her favorite cat when she was a toddler with little handwritten cute comments my ex put in and I feel….. sad but ok. My daughter is ok. My ex I hear is ok (n/c).
     Hugs. Miss hugs.  Totally nonsensical to imagine I was getting many hugs during unraveling. But I think it’s required for many. I would say it’s a business idea but I’m sure it would be Flagged as suspicious activity haha.
   So CapH- here is proof it does get easier, we all obviously scab over and heal at different rates.  I never imagined I wouldn’t cry every day. Is it all roses? No. Do I want to die everyday anymore. No.  Actually trying to figure out what I do want to do. I can do anything I want, I’m free. 
  Spent many a hour on this site during the insanity. Saved me by showing me what it was going on. Didn’t make it easier to lose it all but gave me  understanding of the cycle of bpd.
 
Logged
WithACapitalH

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 10


« Reply #19 on: May 22, 2022, 08:47:30 AM »

Thanks both.

I am having up days and down days currently

I am having a hard time with questioning everything. Even the moments that were great? We’re they real.

Also looking back she was actually telling about certain males before they happened as dropping them into conversations. This logic is playing havoc currently as I believe there may have been more than I think. I questioned her on a couple bit of course she denied when we were together but thinking back they were dropped into random conversations.

Her only friend is a social worker and allows this behaviour from her! Possible Flying Monkey? This friend is also a grandparent. Why would you not step in and try and stop this self destruction of mulitple men seeing her grandchildren.

Just a lot of questions and rumination and things don’t add up.

Glad to know it eventually gets easier. Im hanging in there… just.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!