Being made into the enemy

[SeekingHelp2022!]

I’m facing divorce.  We have three children and I’m regularly attending counseling that my wife initially agreed to attend if I found a counselor. After reading “Stop walking on Eggshells” it became frighteningly clear what our real situation is.  We have three children and she’s filed for divorce and attempting a distortion campaign to force me out of the picture.   I don’t want a divorce I only want to get her the support she may need.  Anyone in a similar situation?  Any advice appreciated?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

So sorry an unwanted divorce has been started.

Is your wife still attending counseling with you?

Has she ever done any individual work?

What ages are your children?


Best,

FF

[healthfreedom4s]

I am not facing a divorce at this time. But I can relate to the situation of - how the two of you see the situation differently and how the two of you want very different things in the marriage [I am short on time today, you can look up my posts for my situation].
I want to say a few things:
1) Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself.
2) Accept the situation: Don't beat yourself or overanalyze on how you could have avoided this situation. Accept the situation and look at where you go from here.
3) Practice improved communication: Look up BIFF and "Don't JADE". A calm/stable/intentional communication will help at this time.
I believe you will have to work on two parallel tracks a) How to improve the communication/engagement with your pwBPD (for bettering the relationship) b) How to prepare for custody issues (if the situation leads to divorce).

[alterK]

You are facing a difficult situation and no one can offer you a magic formula for getting out of it. SWOE is a classic that offers great help, but mostly has to do with ongoing relationships.

If your W truly has BPD is will not be easy to get her into counseling if she doesn't want to go. Joint counseling often doesn't work with BPD. If she does go, she needs a person who is familiar with that problem.

I'd suggest you look at books by Bill Eddy. He's a social worker turned lawyer and specializes in BPD and other personality disorders. He offers strategies for dealing with relationships. Also, should you be unable to avoid divorce, he has help for dealing with conflicts that often arise when dealing with pwBPD.

[Rev]

Hey SH...

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. Happy you have found us.

What kinds of things are you working on with your therapist? Do you like the relationship you have with your therapist?

I'd feel safer offering "advice" if you could add that context. Advice that conflicts with therapy is not helpful.

Rev