How did I handle this?

[15years]

1. Came home from work
2. Wife was eating late lunch, I went to say hi. Looked like she was fine by herself.  Son 2 asleep in the carriage. Son 5 watching tv.
 3. Was tired so I lied down in bed and read a little and then fell asleep for a few minutes.
4. Wife suddenly angry about me not keeping my promise from yesterday. (Might have been something about showing her she's the only one for me sexually, didn't promise anything)
5. She gets violent, I figure if I go to the toilet for a few minutes she might cool down.
6. She unlocks the door with a screwdriver, I tell her sarcastically "mature of you!".
7. She demands that I say something about my promise. I ask her what are you holding in your hands
8. I don't, so she attacks and then corners me. I tell her to back off and lay down the screwdriver. She finds this silly.
9. I walk past her, she let me.
10. She's still mad so I tell her I will work on a project on the balcony, she says no. I go to put a jacket on, she throws the screwdriver at me and kick me.
11. I get really angry and I have decided to not tolerate physical violence, so I raise my voice, approach her and tell her a few times that "this is the last time." but she kicks me and hits me.
12. S 2 wakes up, so I figure if I put a jacket on s 5 we can go out, but he's watching tv and don't want to. My wife is following me and telling me to leave him out of this. I tell her she's dangerous (maybe unnecessary). I ask s5 if he's fine, he's just watching tv and don't answer me.
14. I go out with s2.

And now she's messaging me and wants to know where me and s2 is. I told her "out for a walk", she replied "okey"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Jabiru]

Hi 15years

Nice idea to get away from the situation by first trying the bathroom then leaving the building. Better to exit the situation than stay and JADE (justify, attack, defend, explain).

Do you have any injuries from the violence?

[FirstSteps]

What a terrible situation.  It was great you got out of the house.  My therapist has been demanding that I call the police in situations far less violent than the one you described - where my wife has been having suicidal ideation, wandering around parks in the dark or screaming in the bedroom for the neighborhood to hear.  I haven't been doing it, of course, because I'm not there yet.  But I want to give some feedback from the outside that what she did was not ok - especially with the kids around.

Would it be possible for you to take both kids somewhere for the afternoon/evening at least?

[thankful person]

I think you handled it well. I certainly found that things got worse before they got better here. My wife has attacked me in the past, never with an actual weapon but if she was holding something she might throw it at me. I hope things get better for you too. It’s so worrying when the children are around. She attacked me a few times when our eldest was a baby but only one incident where she threw me out of the room in front of both the kids. Now they are getting older I really hope they won’t have to see such things. Your son 5 could well be becoming engrossed in the tv because he is trying to block out what is happening between his parents. Since I’ve been working on my own self-confidence, self-care, validating her and not JADEing, a strange thing has happened. My wife has stopped accusing me and interrogating me as to whether I want to have sex with people we know or random strangers etc. It’s strange because I don’t feel like I’ve dealt with this directly, but she just seems less paranoid for some reason. What happened once you returned from your walk?

[15years]

Hey all, next morning now in my part of the world.

I didn't get any injuries. She didn't attack me with the screwdriver until she threw it at me, but one never knows, she has hit me with objects but she don't want to hurt me badly so I think a pointy object is a line she won't cross.

I was unsure if leaving the kids with her would be seen as putting them at risk, but luckily she's not violent towards them and I don't suspect she'll cross that line at least until they're in their teens.

When I got back home less than one hour later I worked on the balcony project. Ultimately she came out and accused me of avoiding her. Another fight took place in the kitchen and she poured cold water on me, and after that punched me(!) in the side of my face with her cup. It didn't hurt me but it felt aggressive. I said things I regret, I told her I'll leave her "it WILL happen soon". I was so angry, she asked me "and whose loss would that be", and I told her "yours!". I also told her she is crazy-making.

A while after this event she was cery soft and friendly and then when kids had gone to bed yet again she was angry. We made up for time being and, now we're friends again...

Actually I think she's about to have her period very soon. It's irregular so hard to know.

[Notwendy]

I think it's a good start. It takes time and practice to change familiar patterns. It's progress, not perfection. Gaging progress is - did things escalate less? Did the conflict not last as long. It seems like there was less escalation this time. There was some, but less is good and again - it's the progress to take note of.

Then, ask yourself- what worked, what didn't? Next time, do more of what worked and less of what didn't.

1. Came home from work
2. Wife was eating late lunch, I went to say hi. Looked like she was fine by herself.  Son 2 asleep in the carriage. Son 5 watching tv.
 3. Was tired so I lied down in bed and read a little and then fell asleep for a few minutes.
4. Wife suddenly angry about me not keeping my promise from yesterday. (Might have been something about showing her she's the only one for me sexually, didn't promise anything)

I think what triggered her was you going off to take a nap. That's good self care- but on the other hand, what would have happened if you sat down and had a snack with her, or something to drink and chatted for a moment first?
5. She gets violent, I figure if I go to the toilet for a few minutes she might cool down.
Good de-escalation.

6. She unlocks the door with a screwdriver, I tell her sarcastically "mature of you!". this adds fuel to the fire.

7. She demands that I say something about my promise. I ask her what are you holding in your hands this escalates. How about "please remind me what the promise is, dear"

8. I don't, so she attacks and then corners me. I tell her to back off and lay down the screwdriver. Good- you are stating what you want

She finds this silly. ( who cares, don't react)

9. I walk past her, she let me. ( good, this is a boundary- you don't remain present for abuse )

10. She's still mad so I tell her I will work on a project on the balcony, she says no. I go to put a jacket on, she throws the screwdriver at me and kick me.   You held your grounds here but she still is physically abusive without consequences.

11. I get really angry and I have decided to not tolerate physical violence, so I raise my voice, approach her and tell her a few times that "this is the last time." but she kicks me and hits me.

Don't have a boundary you can't keep. If you say this is the last time and she does it again, then this means nothing. She knows that as she did it again. If it the last time, then mean it- the relationship is over. Done. You can't control her. She will do what she does. She's not going to stop either. Saying "it's the last time" means nothing, because unless you actually leave, it's a useless statement.


12. S 2 wakes up, so I figure if I put a jacket on s 5 we can go out, but he's watching tv and don't want to. My wife is following me and telling me to leave him out of this. I tell her she's dangerous (maybe unnecessary). I ask s5 if he's fine, he's just watching tv and don't answer me.
14. I go out with s2.

And now she's messaging me and wants to know where me and s2 is. I told her "out for a walk", she replied "okey"

Consider these ideas for the next time. See if they work better. It's a work in progress. You are learning what works and what doesn't.

[Notwendy]

Actually I think she's about to have her period very soon. It's irregular so hard to know.


Do not rationalize her behavior with this. Most women have periods and don't physically abuse people. We may get grumpy and want to be left alone. Abuse is not a normal part of this.


I don't suspect she'll cross that line at least until they're in their teens.

Don't underestimate the impact of her ideas about men on them. They will have also seen how she treats you before she abuses them. Physical abuse isn't the only way to cause harm.

One question- if you are tolerating her abuse to you, you have already shown them you tolerate abuse. How will you respond when she abuses them? ( and it's likely she will )

They aren't you and you don't have complete control over how they respond. You and your wife have a romantic/sexual bond. You chose her. They didn't. She may come after them with a screwdriver, and they may deal with this differently. What if they stand up for themselves and this upsets her. ( Karpman triangle).

What will they do when they see her abuse you? What if they call the police or tell their teachers at school?

[15years]

Thanks notwendy this is useful, I will aim more for what works. In many cases lately small de-escalation tactics have worked quite good to avoid or end physical attacks. This time she was more aggressive, it wasn't enough, she needed this release. I think I need to work out some more aggressive ways to hold boundaries without escalating. What could I change the "this is the last time", to, I somehow want to say something empowering.

Later I found out what triggered her. The fight actually started the night before this, she wanted me to express my sexual feelings for her; no more lies. She was angry when I never said the right thing so she fed me the words; you're everything to me - I would never want anyone else - I'm so scared to loose you, I would never want to have sex with anyone else. aso. I don't think I delivered them with that nich passion but she was content for a while. Maybe got her aggression out. Later she began again and I asked her if we can talk about this tomorrow, put on the television for the kids and talk about sex... she wasn't happy with that. I don't remember whay happened. So I didn't memorize the plan to talk next day. So when I went to take a nap although the kids were occupied with tv and sleep, it triggered her. But i think she would have been angry either way. I had nothing to say to her about the sex issue anyway.

[Notwendy]

What could I change the "this is the last time", to, I somehow want to say something empowering.

I don't know- maybe some other posters have a suggestion. But really, the only way to deal with physical abuse that I know of is a no tolerance one. Words don't work. You don't say this is the last time. You need to act to make it the last time and remove yourself.

She doesn't listen to what you say. She mocks you and hits you anyway. Words don't empower people. Actions do but don't attack back. Remove yourself. You have seen how going for a walk works. Do more of that.  

[15years]

I'm wondering if leaving the house is ok when the kids are there. How would authorities view that? Leaving them with her when she's unhinged. It's not that I'm that worried about their physical health, but I bet their anxious, and me leaving might (?) make them more anxious. Of course if I leave it gets calmer so that's positive.

If not for the kids I would probably not hesitate.

Ultimately this also concerns the bigger question, how do I leave the relationship without harming the kids. Today I really see that this is my only option.

[Notwendy]

I am not familiar with the legal aspects of whether or not you leave the kids in her presence. You have stated before that she hasn't abused them, but I am concerned she eventually will, and if/when she does, you would likely be liable for leaving them. You have posted concern about not involving social services in this, but I think they'd already be concerned about the kids growing up with domestic violence if they knew about it.

I think the legal board on this site is a good place to post questions about liability, custody. I think if there's documentation of her being physically abusive with you, they'd consider this in a custody arrangement but I don't have experience with this.

[Turkish]

This is very concerning and I'm sorry that you are going through this especially with little kids. Do you have outside support? A safety plan is a good place to start.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

Man or woman, kids being exposed to violence isn't good.

Is anyone in your personal life aware of what's going on? Outside support can be very helpful and centering.

[15years]

Only my wife's dad know about the physical abuse, and I've told a milder version of it to four different healt care professionals.

My wife actually tells me I kind off have to tolerate this because she is a person who easily gets overwhelmed. She wants me to take it calmly and not upset her more by reacting.

She showed me a list today of how to handle toddlers who are having a meltdown, and she was dead serious.

[FirstSteps]

This half-awareness that they are doing something out of control certainly does my head in.  Then the strategies to control the consequences.  I guess it makes sense to think about them as children because children do manipulate and are aware of what they do on some level. 

And if only the "tips" I get would actually work!  I would be happy to treat my wife as a toddler at times to get through a rough patch.  Though it would inevitably fail, and that's what I'm still trying to accept.

[Notwendy]

And yet, even toddlers can learn that it’s not ok to hit or bite people. They may have tantrums but still can learn the rule to not hurt someone else. If they do - there are consequences- they get put in “time out”.

So if your wife wants to be managed like a toddler would - she can also be put in “time out”.

Seriously - if she can learn to go to her room alone to calm down it would be a good thing. Buy  her a punching bag.

[Jabiru]

This talk reminds me of supporting vs enabling. I suppose some support here and there is fine but if she depends on you to calm herself down then it's enabling the unwanted behavior. I'd echo FirstSteps and Notwendy above: your leaving the room or building when she's violent itself could be enough of a consequence for her to back off from using violence. I think the key is being consistent with enforcing your boundaries and avoid JADE.