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Author Topic: How do I stop ruminating  (Read 890 times)
Blueberry Cat

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« on: May 08, 2022, 03:38:22 PM »


What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
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Family Law Legal Advice
« on: May 08, 2022, 03:32:02 PM »
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Hello I had to leave my significant other when she started to become abusive. She tried to get me back with love bombing and I said no.
 
Then she filed restraining order against me with three counts of sexual abuse to her and three counts of child abuse to her children( I was a step dad ) All of these are false and came as a terrible  shock to me.   After I left,  the wife of the father of my ex’s children reached out to to tell me that she was so sorry this was happening. She knew I did not do the things my ex was saying I did and that she knows my ex has a borderline personality disorder. That was the first time I had heard about this.

We had recently bought a house together and I had only  been in there three weeks before she switched and after six weeks I had to leave.

I worked with my lawyers to try to buy her out of the house and have her drop the TRO. We got all the way to when she needed to sign the deal but she won’t do it and her lawyer dropped her.

 She then filed a civil suit to  gain control of the house and force a sale. In that suit she claimed sexual abuse against her and she did a petition sale on the house that I had bought 50-50 with her although she’d only put one ninth of the down payment in.

The house was sold and we settled the funds without going to court but she won’t give up the restraining order even though 2 lawyers have told her to drop it. Our lawyers had both been pushing out the hearing on the TRO because several times it seemed like we where close to a settlement. Now it’s clear that’s not an option.

I’m going to be going to family law court with her she’s trying to continue to get a restraining order against me although it’s been 10 months since she filed the TRO.

She has been acting highly  irrationally and continuing to make false claims.

I have never been in a relationship like this.  I’m 55 years old she was 41 years old..

I have a family lawyer but he doesn’t necessarily understand BPD.

My ex is on her third lawyer haven’t been through two very experienced lawyers who dropped her.

I am looking for any advice about going to court for a restraining order against a BPD person. Also, emotionally I am at a loss. I haven’t seen her in 10 month. Selling the house and not being in a relationship have changed my life drastically. The house that I sold to fund buying a house with her I had lived in for 20 years with my daughter after her mother died. I feel like I have lost everything.  As backwards as it sounds I find myself thinking I should have just stayed and made it work. Any advice, insight, shared experiences would be great. Thank you. 


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Rev
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2022, 05:32:09 PM »

Hey B.C.

Welcome.  Sorry you find yourself here and given where  you find yourself, I'd say that you've come to the right place. Many of us, including several men who I have exchanged with, have come out of abusive relationships. They can be very disorienting, to say the least, can't they.

Your tag line says that you'd like to stop ruminating. Is that a major question for you? 

From what you are writing about your ex - things are unfolding predictably.  For you the key is to weather the emotional turbulence. I am a victim also. Tried to leave three times. Finally got out a climbed out of the emotional pit I found myself in.

Tell you what? 

Why don't you take a moment to center yourself and list your top three concerns? I hear one about your lawyer who doesn't understand about BPD. Could you say more about how you feel this is a factor.

Let's see who else weighs in. And let's see what comes to mind.

In the meantime, regardless of what your emotional self is telling you, stay in your rational self for the moment. Stay the course. By the sounds of things, you are laying the right groundwork to get out and move on, even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

What do you think?

Hang in there.

Rev
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Blueberry Cat

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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2022, 11:31:25 PM »

Thank you for your insights, really appreciated it
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Blueberry Cat

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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2022, 11:47:47 PM »

As for your question of top three concerns

1- I should have stayed I feel like abandoned her, I miss her and I know she was 5150 after I fled

2- I am frightened - she became completely unhinged- I was trying to appease her and she screams in a finding raspy Voice my daughters name, I say in disbelief naked in front of her who got up at 5:00 and got dressed and made lots of noise for 1 1/2 hours, what are you doing ?
  She laughed at me and cocked her head on one side, acting like some one I’d never met , are you going to hit me now ?
  I have never hit a person, I was so frightened to the core she terrified me - so I still a terrified feeling , 10 month I have not been able to sleep -
  I have been in very stressful situations before and chased by bears and a mountain lion - but this was different

She put the fear in me that I can not shake

3-I am frightened because I have to go to court next month to face her - she has a restraining order on me - ridiculous as she frightened me from the home, I am frightened, she is acting so unpredictably


I thank you 
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Rev
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« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2022, 05:00:00 AM »

As for your question of top three concerns

1- I should have stayed I feel like abandoned her, I miss her and I know she was 5150 after I fled

2- I am frightened - she became completely unhinged- I was trying to appease her and she screams in a finding raspy Voice my daughters name, I say in disbelief naked in front of her who got up at 5:00 and got dressed and made lots of noise for 1 1/2 hours, what are you doing ?
  She laughed at me and cocked her head on one side, acting like some one I’d never met , are you going to hit me now ?
  I have never hit a person, I was so frightened to the core she terrified me - so I still a terrified feeling , 10 month I have not been able to sleep -
  I have been in very stressful situations before and chased by bears and a mountain lion - but this was different

She put the fear in me that I can not shake

3-I am frightened because I have to go to court next month to face her - she has a restraining order on me - ridiculous as she frightened me from the home, I am frightened, she is acting so unpredictably


I thank you 

Hy B.C.

So yeah - that's heavy and based on university level research I have done, the behavior you describe in your ex counts as being abusive. The real challenge for men in these situations is to actually be believed. In this case, the fact that your ex has burned through her lawyers will mean that she will eventually go to far. So I'm not sure that you your lawyer needs to really understand all the inner workings of BPD. Unless there's something I'm missing here.

Here's my initial response to your questions:

1- I should have stayed I feel like abandoned her, I miss her and I know she was 5150 after I fled - Not sure what the 5150 is about.  Who restrained her?  What is it about her that you miss? Are you sure that it is her you miss or is something deeper that is at play?  Tough as it sounds, if she has abused you, is it possible that your perception is off?  Protecting yourself is not abandonment. It's self preservation.

2- I am frightened - she became completely unhinged- I was trying to appease her and she screams in a finding raspy Voice my daughters name, I say in disbelief naked in front of her who got up at 5:00 and got dressed and made lots of noise for 1 1/2 hours, what are you doing ?
  She laughed at me and cocked her head on one side, acting like some one I’d never met , are you going to hit me now ? My ex did something similar. This is a common abusive tactic.


She put the fear in me that I can not shake - this is very understandable. Are you asking about what to do about the fear?

3-I am frightened because I have to go to court next month to face her - she has a restraining order on me - ridiculous as she frightened me from the home, I am frightened, she is acting so unpredictably Again - this is very understandable.  Again, are you asking what to do about the fear?

Rev
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Blueberry Cat

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« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2022, 10:42:43 AM »

Good morning Rev,
Well yes I’m asking what to do about the fair, also when I was a child I lived in a very dark place and I had dug my way out of it I was living a very good lifestyle with my daughter living in a beautiful home and a good neighborhood and we’ve lost all of that due to this woman and I fear that I will go back to that same doctor place again.

She was 5150 by her mother it’s been a danger to her self and others,  we had broken up a month before and out of the blue seemingly she told me that she could get full custody of the kids wanted my advice I told her not to take on any more debt responsibility with me in a life. The next day I heard from her she said she was in the hospital I said would happen then she said she hit her head she fell in the shower.
   Then when she found restraining order on me she asked for compensation for her hospital visit and said that she’s gone to the hospital after the event, The event being one of her claims of me abusing her but I was out of town at that time she was 5150.
   Another reason I think I’m fearful this is completely logical and I’m a logical person and very careful about my decisions but I didn’t see this coming with her.
  She works for the county as a planner she’s got a degree in biology and a masters in botany and she’s smart and brilliant and very beautiful person I’m confused.
   It’s like the person who I fell in love with was taken over by someone who is very hateful and spiteful.
    She’s made of this allegations is trying to destroy me she told the police that was illegal guns in the house in my gun safe the window illegal guns in the gun safe. Cost me $36,000 in lawyers to prove the guns were not illegal, she’s been trying to make this whole thing as expensive as possible.
   The last time I saw her she was in the $850,000 house I bought for us and she gesture to the house and her body and said don’t you want this ,?
    She didn’t look like anyone ever seen before she looked very bad , somehow I wish should’ve told her that I wanted ha ha I wanted her mind and I wanted it to be like it was in the beginning but I just packed away and put my hand on my heart I said I want my heart because I knew she was going to destroy me if I stayed.
    I might’ve stayed but for my daughter I love my daughter Isabell we lost a mother to cancer raised her my self.
     I’m sort of a mess, thank you for talking with me maybe I need to knowledge that it was abusive she’s telling everybody that I have used her that I did was put up with our heads and try to bring our families together and show her the man can be kind.
   So yes I’m asking what to do about the fear. ?
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2022, 11:40:35 AM »

"So yes I’m asking what to do about the fear. ?"

Someone with BPD uses F.O.G. to control, i.e. Fear Obligation and Guilt. So just realise that's the mechanism being used. Avoid engaging with your BPD as she will know better than anyone how to trigger you and increase your trauma by “retraumatizing” you. She will do this as it allows her to manipulate you. Rumination is also linked to trauma (e.g. PTSD or CPTSD). By reducing your anxiety levels and addressing the trauma the fear will go. But it can take a long time. A Dr might be able offer short term medication to help with the ride.

Long term you need to avoid exposure to anything that triggers you (to begin with) and reduce your anxiety.  If you speak with impartial obverse who know about BPD, with no emotional attachment to your issues, they will be in a better position to advise you. You mentioned you're logical - accept there is no logical solution here, she's using emotional manipulation. You need to deal with the emotions.

You need to figure out if you’re feeling trauma fear or real fear. But from what you say, it sounds like this is trauma fear as it’s being triggered. So if you avoid all contact with someone who has a personality disorder they lose interest and move onto their next prey in time. Hence you only need to fear fear itself, meaning work very hard on addressing the trauma rather than the perceived threat. I know you crave a quick fix, but I'm afraid trauma takes time but this forum will be here to help you. I'm going to now duck out of this thread, because I've recently recovered from something similar and don't want to get triggered by dwelling too long on it, but I'm sure you will lose the fear in time. Just ensure you get quality advise e.g. trained therapists that know BPD, experienced posters on this forum and also be prepared to try various different things until you find what works for you. I hope that helps, if not ignore it. Rev is an Ambassador and in my experience is they have excellent advise.
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2022, 07:21:01 PM »

Hey BC, I am not going to add anything too intensive here as it looks a teammate of mine and others have chimed in and have provided pretty good feedback. Nonetheless...you ask on how to stop ruminating. Well of course it is easier said than done, but the most simple way to accomplish this task is to find something you are passionate about and it is new an novel to you and then you throw yourself into it and let your mind naturally drift to thinking about your new motivation instead of the unhealthy obsession.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
« Last Edit: May 10, 2022, 07:33:19 PM by SinisterComplex » Logged

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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2022, 11:51:36 PM »

Hey BC just wanted to add on to my previous response. Please see this tool for guidance on stopping ruminations. You may find it useful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-
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Rev
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« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2022, 05:36:50 AM »

Hi BC,

So the central question is what to do about the fear.

Here is a three step process that you might use to get you started - along with the tools that SC has suggested.

Understand that anxiety - which too much of for too long can lead to chronic fear - is a natural tool we have. Human beings are come with the capacity to feel anxiety as part of our standard equipment. It's part of what keeps us safe.  The "data inputs" that signal our anxiety come from our emotional system - our limbic system - and sorted out by our cognitive brains. (known as a neo-cortex).  When all of that gets out of whack, we feel too much anxiety for the situation at hand.  BPD relationships cause this process to get out of whack. That is why we need to reprogram ourselves, so to speak.

Clear so far?

So here's a start.

1) Make a list of EVERYTHING (And I mean every last thing) that is causing you stress right now.  You might be surprised how many little things can add up in a hurry.

2) Take time to really see if there is any cross infection (kinda like the roots of flashbacks, triggers, buttons that get pushed, PTSD stuff, etc.)

3) Figure out what is in your control.  Figure out where your fear is legitimate. Maybe there are things about which you are justified in feeling concerned.

4) Formulate a plan. When your anxiety rises, trust the plan. Give your body time to catch up to your mind.

5) Tools, like meditation, CBT therapy, ACT therapy, EFT therapy, exercise, proper diet, less alcohol, etc... these speed up the healing process. Talking with friends, good friends about keeping things straight in your mind can help also. Have your friends keep you accountable to continuing to working on your plans.

Hope this helps as a start.

Hang in there.

Rev
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Blueberry Cat

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« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2022, 11:16:09 AM »

Yes this is a good start

I do have a trial date coming up - that’s frightening

Also because of everything my business is not viable so need to sell or shut doors

Body’s in general anxiety mode
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Bvcruiser

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« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2022, 02:44:33 PM »

Here is something that helped me to stop ruminating about the predatory ex that I kicked out a few months back.

First: Realize that the ex borderliner is a child in an adult suit. A child cannot offer an intimate and adult relationship to anybody. They cannot offer the next victim anything more than they offered you.

What I did was this. Write down the top worse things that your ex did to you on a piece of paper. Arguing,,,insults,,threats, and so forth. After writing down those terrorist type actions, flip the paper and write on the blank side “I deserve better.” Anytime that you ruminate or miss what you did not have, look at the paper that you wrote on. Carry it in your pocket, look at it, absorb those facts.

It stinks how we have to have Covid cards to show others that we got our shots. Life would be easier if those with personality disorders had cards to identify themselves upon request.

You hang in there with the court proceedings. You are not alone. There are many others out there that are targets of false allegations. All because of some borderliners wanting to have the ultimate revenge upon others.
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Rev
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2022, 04:48:20 PM »

Yes this is a good start

I do have a trial date coming up - that’s frightening

Also because of everything my business is not viable so need to sell or shut doors

Body’s in general anxiety mode

These all appear to be legitimate reasons to feel anxious.

At this stage, I would seek out medical assistance to reduce symptoms and accept that a band-aid solution may be the right approach at this point. Pretty hard to see the big picture when the stuff that is right in front of you is that large.

At the risk of sounding discouraging, I would even suggest that you lower your expectations of yourself in terms of being happy or "well adjusted" in your mind.  For now, remaining emotionally/cognitively regulated enough to keep your behavior choices in line with a plan sounds like victory to me here.

Get from A to B. Repeat as necessary.

Thoughts?

Rev
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HappyChappy
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« Reply #13 on: May 17, 2022, 12:21:15 PM »

Blueberry Cat I had to sell my biz, whilst my ex was playing games with my anxiety. I'd recommend entrusting the court case to a good lawyer, so you can keep as detached as possible from all that. The judge at my divorce saw through all the games my ex played and  awarded her less than I'd offered in the first place, despite her using far more expensive lawyers. So I'm sure your legal system is familiar with the games BPD play.
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Rev
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The surest way to fail is to never try.


« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2022, 05:05:40 PM »

Blueberry Cat I had to sell my biz, whilst my ex was playing games with my anxiety. I'd recommend entrusting the court case to a good lawyer, so you can keep as detached as possible from all that. The judge at my divorce saw through all the games my ex played and  awarded her less than I'd offered in the first place, despite her using far more expensive lawyers. So I'm sure your legal system is familiar with the games BPD play.

HC brings up a good point. Time and slow and steady lawyer are your best allies. My ex eventually screwed up which made my life MUCH easier after that point.
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