Transition to Low Contact

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Wow, Notwendy, our situations have a lot of parallels, and your advice was exactly what I needed.

while I still think involving a professional (attorney/accountant ) as the go to person for your sister is a wise thing to do ( because of the drama with you)- and that it is a logical decision- don't expect your sister's reaction to be logical. The kind of drama between you, to her, is a part of the relationship.

Yesterday, I met with my mom’s physician, retained an attorney to represent me, and made arrangements for Interdisciplinary team meeting with the care team and facility so they can document and address each of my sisters concerns in the records. Very productive. One of the things I learned from this attorney is that as Co-Trustees we have not fulfilled all of the trust administration requirements, so that needs to be cleaned up. Today, I plan to connect with the accountant and financial advisor and finish all of the “homework” from the attorneys office.

Last night I experienced a lot of guilt and anxiety about being the one to hire a lawyer as I know it will blow up, as soon as I disclose it to her. And yet I know it is what I need to for myself, and  my mothers guidance was when I asked her about the room. “Do what is best for you, don’t do anything just to please your sister”.

I had an appointment with my therapist last night, perfect timing. As I continue to self reflect, I realize that because I tend towards people pleaser and conflict aversion, part of my problem is my heightened sense of obligation. My sisters expectations and demands of me are simply unreasonable but I have had difficulty in the past rejecting them. I am finally saying NO, I am not going to meet your expectations and I am OK with it. I am finally saying YES to myself and my needs. It’s healthy but because it is a departure from our prior family dynamics, it is very uncomfortable. I am trying to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I have done a lot of work professionally on managing ambiguity and mastered uncertainty and being comfortable in ambiguity at work. I know I can do it. In this situation,  I  seek to focus on acting on my values and commitment to my parents, including their desire for me (not just my sister) to be happy.

I haven’t responded to her last email. I drafted two responses. Both directly address her concerns in writing, both call her out on the “approval/disapproval” of the room and both signal continued commitment to partnering on finances and then trust, while reinforcing communication via email only and setting boundary about not moving mom. One says future requests for documents to my lawyer, the other leaves that out for now. Awaiting feedback from the attorney.

I am leaning towards leaving it out for now. I know there is a 95% that I will need to go down this route. But a part of me wants to focus my energy on working with the accountant, financial advisor and attorney to get “all the ducks in a row” and assure the trust administration is perfect. I think some of that activity might (briefly) de-escalate her. Eventually, she will erupt again, and at that point I have the “communicate with my attorney option” fully primed and ready. If at any point, she goes after me legally, my attorney will take over.

I didn’t mention this but after a lot of financial planning and consideration, I made the decision to retire early. My husband has been uncomfortable with the idea, as he is not ready himself, but we are able to do it.  I am not sure how long my mom has, and I want to both prioritize her and myself and be able to spend more time with her, without the distraction of work. People at work will be disappointed but they will get over it, and it will open up new possibilities for other leaders. There  are a lot of parallels here, letting go of others expectations of me, and choosing the path that is best for me.

[Mommydoc]

Wow, Notwendy, our situations have a lot of parallels, and your advice was exactly what I needed.

while I still think involving a professional (attorney/accountant ) as the go to person for your sister is a wise thing to do ( because of the drama with you)- and that it is a logical decision- don't expect your sister's reaction to be logical. The kind of drama between you, to her, is a part of the relationship.

Yesterday, I met with my mom’s physician, retained an attorney to represent me, and made arrangements for Interdisciplinary team meeting with the care team and facility so they can document and address each of my sisters concerns in the records. Very productive. One of the things I learned from this attorney is that as Co-Trustees we have not fulfilled all of the trust administration requirements, so that needs to be cleaned up. Today, I plan to connect with the accountant and financial advisor and finish all of the “homework” from the attorneys office.

Last night I experienced a lot of guilt and anxiety about being the one to hire a lawyer as I know it will blow up, as soon as I disclose it to her. And yet I know it is what I need to for myself, and  my mothers guidance was when I asked her about the room. “Do what is best for you, don’t do anything just to please your sister”.

I had an appointment with my therapist last night, perfect timing. As I continue to self reflect, I realize that because I tend towards people pleaser and conflict aversion, part of my problem is my heightened sense of obligation. My sisters expectations and demands of me are simply unreasonable but I have had difficulty in the past rejecting them. I am finally saying NO, I am not going to meet your expectations and I am OK with it. I am finally saying YES to myself and my needs. It’s healthy but because it is a departure from our prior family dynamics, it is very uncomfortable. I am trying to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I have done a lot of work professionally on managing ambiguity and mastered uncertainty and being comfortable in ambiguity at work. I know I can do it. In this situation,  I  seek to focus on acting on my values and commitment to my parents, including their desire for me (not just my sister) to be happy.

I haven’t responded to her last email. I drafted two responses. Both directly address her concerns in writing, both call her out on the “approval/disapproval” of the room and both signal continued commitment to partnering on finances and then trust, while reinforcing communication via email only and setting boundary about not moving mom. One says future requests for documents to my lawyer, the other leaves that out for now. Awaiting feedback from the attorney.

I am leaning towards leaving it out for now. I know there is a 95% that I will need to go down this route. But a part of me wants to focus my energy on working with the accountant, financial advisor and attorney to get “all the ducks in a row” and assure the trust administration is perfect. I think some of that activity might (briefly) de-escalate her. Eventually, she will erupt again, and at that point I have the “communicate with my attorney option” fully primed and ready. If at any point, she goes after me legally, my attorney will take over.

I didn’t mention this but after a lot of financial planning and consideration, I made the decision to retire early. My husband has been uncomfortable with the idea, as he is not ready himself, but we are able to do it.  I am not sure how long my mom has, and I want to both prioritize her and myself and be able to spend more time with her, without the distraction of work. People at work will be disappointed but they will get over it, and it will open up new possibilities for other leaders. There  are a lot of parallels here, letting go of others expectations of me, and choosing the path that is best for me.

[Notwendy]

I am leaning towards leaving it out for now

I agree- sometimes less is best. It may also send her down the road of being aggressive legally. You can arrange for your own self defense privately.


Seems like early retirement is self care for you and self care is important.

[Mommydoc]

I sent the email. I used a lot of everyone’s suggestions.  It is creating a paper trail. My main intent was to respectfully address her concerns and demonstrate a willingness to partner with her while setting 2 clear boundaries,  first I am HC POA and will not jeopardize mom’s well being by agreeing to a move, and second,  future communication via email. I had already communicated these things, but wanted to be very clear. The lawyer advised making her  aware of their involvement sooner rather than later, as they will be filing documents as part of trust administration. So  I introduced them as “Helping us” as part of our trust fiduciary duties. That is true. At the same time they are also personally representing me as trustee and not her which I decided was not  appropriate to disclose yet. If things don’5 escalate further (unlikely), they will not need to take on that role. I  sent some of the documents she requested to her directly. I didn’t have to,  but , I am trying to establish myself as reasonable, responsible and responsive in case she attempts legal action against me.

On Zachira’s string about nightmares I mentioned that I was experiencing sleep disruption recently as well, as I was feeling overwhelmed with the situation. I have invested a lot of time the last 5 -6 days in this,  but doing so has been helpful. I did experience some extreme guilt over the last 48 hours but I am getting through it and recognize why I feel that way. I have always felt a sense of obligation to meet her expectations. This has to do with the role my parents expected me to play. I am now in a different place. At this point, I feel released from those obligations and expectations. She is insanely unreasonable! In letting go of that and taking proactive steps to take care of myself and my mother, I am feeling a sense of peace and strength. My sleep is much improved!

Now I am sitting back and waiting for the fireworks. In this regard I feel certain she won’t disappoint. But I feel safe and like my mother is safe and that is what matters to me.

[Methuen]

She is insanely unreasonable! In letting go of that and taking proactive steps to take care of myself and my mother, I am feeling a sense of peace and strength.

Now I am sitting back and waiting for the fireworks. In this regard I feel certain she won’t disappoint. But I feel safe and like my mother is safe and that is what matters to me.

Good for you Mommydoc. Hang onto that last thought.

The tricky part is when we try to deal rationally with an irrational person.  It just doesn’t work.  So then we must be mindful to not respond in a way that invalidates their feelings which would escalate the situation, since they aren’t capable of managing their emotions. All this is happening in a complicated and stressful  environment brought  on by their emotional state  and their behavioral responses to said emotions in the first place.

Ultimately, when it comes down to dealing with another’s  irrational behavior, we must do what we need to do to feel safe and keep others safe.

The situation makes me think of trying to walk a tightrope between two skyscrapers

It’s incredibly challenging…

[Mommydoc]

Unfortunately, setting boundaries seems to invalidate and trigger her. It is a tightrope. I have somewhat given up on avoiding escalation, but trying as much as possible to set boundaries and de-escalate.

[livednlearned]

I have always felt a sense of obligation to meet her expectations. This has to do with the role my parents expected me to play. I am now in a different place. At this point, I feel released from those obligations and expectations.

All the more lovely that your mom is saying to put your needs first, especially after a lifetime of being placed in a role.

What did you find was helpful in coping with the guilt that came up for you?

[Methuen]

Unfortunately, setting boundaries seems to invalidate and trigger her. It is a tightrope. I have somewhat given up on avoiding escalation, but trying as much as possible to set boundaries and de-escalate.

This seems wise.  I understand what you mean when you say "given up on avoiding escalation".  In my case, my 86 yr old uBPD mom wanted me to be her daily companion/nurse/counsellor/punching bag/and garbage can. I couldn't do it any more. I was a wreck and in emotional distress, not feeling safe.  So I went back to work out of retirement when an offer came up.  This brought on a rage of nuclear proportions.  I recorded the whole thing and played it for my H and my T.  I also recorded it for myself, so that the next time I start to "minimize" her behavior, and think "maybe it's not that bad", I can play it back to myself as objective evidence of the abuse.

If it was my job was to avoid escalating her behavior, I would not have had the choice to make the decision to go back to work. Should I not be able to make my own decision about whether or not to work? The only acceptable option in her mind is for me to meet her all her needs which is essentially long term care in her home, and I can't do this if I am employed.  Therefore she had a nuclear reaction to my decision to return to the workforce.  I do not feel safe around her alone.  It is for these reasons that I agree with you Mommydoc that we cannot always act to "avoid escalation".  Sometimes setting boundaries, even gentle and reasonable ones, to keep ourselves safe, escalates the pwBPD.  Sometimes we have to act to protect ourselves and our sense of safety.  While it is unfortunate this escalates them, sometimes they may just need to be left to deal with their feelings. 

You are doing what you need to do to look after yourself and your mom.  It is extra special that she told you to put your needs first.  It is wise advise coming from your mother.

[Notwendy]

I think that's the better way to go. When avoiding escalation, we are actually trying to manage their feelings. I think that can be a habit for those of us growing up with this- avoiding upsetting BPD mother was a regular rule.

But actually- it's their feelings that are out of control, and theirs to deal with. I think our part is protecting ourselves. When my BPD mother is angry, she can be vindictive. I have to ask- am I avoiding escalation out of fear of her response or due to self protection. Taking legal action for self protection helps with this.

The two choices I have with BPD mother is to comply with her wishes or to deal with an escalation. Admittedly, I "choose my battles". I will uphold a boundary with her, but for short visits, I mostly go along with smaller requests if it isn't worth the conflict.

[Mommydoc]

It’s been a very mentally and emotionally exhausting week. I haven’t posted because too much is going on. Suffice it to say, the fireworks are in full swing. I don’t have the energy to describe in detail where things are, other than to say, I hope we are close to the low point. It’s bad.

What did you find was helpful in coping with the guilt that came up for you?

The guilt was really intense and really difficult to process. My therapist helped a lot, and I am receiving a lot of validation through my family and those helping me. Even without BPD, apparently these sorts of family conflicts related to care of aging parents are quite common. The BPD just makes it worse. I read Susan Forwards book, Emotional Blackmail last year. When the guilt hit a peak this week, I reviewed my notes  and reflections on guilt, which included an exercise where she suggests writing about the relationship using the metaphor of a fairytale. I re-read the fairy tale I wrote last year. The happy ending was my mom feeling loved and happy in her final chapter and I was happy because I lived my values while acknowledging my sister would never forgive me. Interestingly, the fairytale includes my mother predicting my sister would be angry and telling me it was OK, just as she did last week. I realized it was me who was holding onto an expectation of harmony between us, and that both my parents had already released me from that expectation. It is so important for me to let go of that.

A friend who also has a borderline sister, asked me if I would have a relationship with my sister after my mother dies. At the time, not long ago, I said. “I don’t know, it depends on how things play out.” I still love her and have difficulty witnessing her pain and turmoil. At this point, however, I believe it is best for me not to have any relationship with her, beyond our legal responsibilities. Getting attorneys, SWs, financial planners and accountants engaged, hopefully, will create a buffer for me as this process moves forward. I hope our kids, the cousins, are able to stay connected. I worry so much about my nephew. I can’t tell if he is enmeshed or how his mothers BPD has impacted him. I don’t want to abandon him, and yet any contact with him won’t be safe for me.

I have begun a  grieving process for my mom. I truly believe she is hanging on, in a way, to help guide me emotionally through losing both her and my sister. My mom  and I  walked my father home together, it was such an incredible privilege. It was hard, but I was ultimately able to separate our journey from my sisters behavior and her grief process. We each have to grieve in our own way. I allowed my sisters grief process to be damaging to me; I didn’t understand BPD at the time. Now I do.  I respect that we are very different and just not able to come together. I deserve to grieve my mom without the FOG I experienced with my fathers death. My sister also deserves her own grief process, I just can’t be a part of it. That might mean grieving the loss of my mother and my sibling relationship together. They are the last of my birth family, so it’s a big deal to walk away from that, but I am prepared for that likely possibility.

[Notwendy]

I think many of us here understand this. I also had a sort of parallel grief process. I didn't understand BPD when my father first became seriously ill towards the end of his life. It was also a progressive illness so I also grieved the impending loss. He was the parent that I considered as "parent" and when he passed, I felt as if I had lost my only parent. BPD mother does not behave like a parent to me.

Dad was the glue that held different factions of the family together. My mother disliked his family and it was mutual. I knew that once he was gone, they'd have nothing to do with each other. Still, this is the extended family I have been most attached to and continue to be.

What I didn't expect was how much BPD mother had rallied her FOO and my father to her side "against" me. In your situation, your mother has given you medical POA. In my father's situation, he preserved the image of my mother as loving caregiver and his providers assumed that. I saw a different picture and I confronted her and got her full reaction to it.

By the time he died, she had disowned me. I didn't know if it was his idea or her idea but her wishes would have prevailed anyway. She then told her FOO to not speak to me and they complied.

I didn't expect that and so, along with the loss of  a father, I also grieved the loss of what I thought were uncles, aunts, cousins. But who were they really?

It seemed to me that what I was grieving was the loss of my idea of uncles, aunts, and cousins, not the reality of who they are. In actuality, they don't know me, they only know me through my mother's narrative of me. I know that I valued the relationship and I grieved it, but maybe it wasn't reciprocal.

Consider that you are grieving the loss of a mother and also the loss of your idea of what you wanted with your sister. You are now seeing your sister for who she is and that you value the relationship in a different way than she does.

For those of us who have a BPD relative, I think we do grieve the loss of what we want them to be as we learn the reality of who they are.