Texting throughout the day (or else)

[thespina76]

Greetings, all!

I'm happy to have found this board. I'm in a 5 year relationship with a wonderful and intelligent man who we now know, meets the criteria for BPD. He also has CPTSD. Up until recently, neither of us knew what he was dealing with. But it had to be something. The intensity was not average.

This has been a game changer. But I'm on the first steps now to learning a new way of relationshipping with a special needs partner.

Loneliness is the biggest thorn in his soul. He describes it as a being like the lion in Aesop's fable. There's a terrible thorn in his paw all the time, but no mouse to pull it out. He hasn't yet begun the path to realizing his own role in healing the wound through treatment.

Because loneliness is the big kicker... that deep, vicious, permanent and severe existential loneliness, he yearns for company through conversation, and spirals when he's bored. Texting while he's at work is a crutch he's used our entire relationship, and it's simply too much for me. It feels like I'm babysitting. I want a normal day. Bye, dear, see you after work. He will need to endure it even more now, as I'm beginning a challenging new career on Monday. If I leave the phone alone all day, it's certain to result in a withdrawn, silent, depressed and dark partner all evening. And it compounds every day. I don't resent the need to check in more often that I would have to with someone who doesn't suffer like this, but I absolutely don't want to be a part of this cycle where I'm held hostage to the phone and his emotions 24/7. And I don't want to strengthen the pattern of needing the constant texts just to feel sane during the day.

Any words of advice?

Great to be here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I don’t experience this to the degree you’re dealing with, but on occasion when my husband is driving somewhere, he will call and I’m “the entertainment”.

I usually nip this in the bud, sometimes feeling like I’m being somewhat short with him. It feels like he is not respecting my time, and I have many things to do, rather than being the *thing* that keeps him company.

It would be different if I sensed he had something he wanted to talk about, or that he actually wanted to hear my opinion, but it’s more like babysitting—just having someone there.

It’s sort of ridiculous to tell the person you’re living with that you miss them, after half an hour of driving, when you couldn’t be bothered to talk with them at breakfast time since you were too busy looking at your phone. 

As you know, you cannot fill that deep hole in his psyche no matter how much you are present for the constant texting. How do you handle the silent treatment and withdrawal in the evenings?

[lenfan]

Similar situation here. Sometimes I'm just direct and honest, "Busy  with ___________ now, got to stop."
One sadly effective technique is to bring up a topic she's not interested in (like asking her to do something I might want), and suddenly she's the busy one.  Wish I had deeper more insightful solutions for you.

[thespina76]

As you know, you cannot fill that deep hole in his psyche no matter how much you are present for the constant texting. How do you handle the silent treatment and withdrawal in the evenings?

Thanks so much... I really appreciate the story.

The withdrawal in the evening is a challenge for me. I end up turning in circles and sitting around with him and not knowing what to do. I'll drag us out for a walk or a drive and suggest we watch something later... and happy when it's bedtime and I can put my earplugs in and just disconnect.

It's unfair. Today I have a lucky and rare morning on my own, and I can think my own thoughts bravely and openly and freely. And the thought is, for someone so pained over abandonment, you sure inflict it on those you "love" a whole lot. I feel abandoned daily. I'll say something innocuous, I can't even predict it sometimes, and he'll pull away from a cuddle. He'll shut up, pull out his phone and play solitaire, go outside to vape. He is buffeted by his intense emotions, and pulling into himself is the way he manages it, when its not verbal outbursts. He frequently leaves me hanging. I guess that's ok to do to me,  because I'm a normy. I can handle it, right?

Just learning big girl skills, but not sure how to bring up how awful that feels. It's likely to end up in a very unpleasant exchange. It's rare to just have it land without defense or attack.

[Cat Familiar]

Bringing up your feelings about it…unfortunately…is likely to start an argument, as you have predicted.

What I’ve found that works better is not to try to engage when they’re withdrawing, and instead, to spend that time doing something you enjoy.

If you behave as if it’s OK that he’s being sulky and try to get him to participate with you, there are a number of unfortunate side effects:

*You are not giving him time to learn how to *self-soothe* by trying to distract him and you are subtly invalidating his emotions.

*You are not giving him accurate feedback about how his behavior affects you.

*You are building up an emotional reserve of feeling frustrated, disconnected, ill at ease, annoyed, or whatever emotion that keeps you from feeling as connected to him

*You are missing a wonderful opportunity to enjoy time on your own


It sounds like this is a longstanding pattern and to make changes, you want to take incremental steps. So if he’s being sullen, you might say, “I’m going for a walk, and you can join me if you want.” Or “I’ve got this great book I just bought, so I’m going to read it tonight.”

Let him figure out whether or not he wants your companionship in the moment. It’s his issue; you cannot solve it for him.

[formflier]

I end up turning in circles and sitting around with him and not knowing what to do. I'll drag us out for a walk 

Hey...this is not about teaching you exact words to use and not use, rather a "mindset" to approach his withdrawal.

First of all...when someone "tells" you (through words and actions) that they aren't able to communicate right now...probably a good idea to believe them.

Trying to "talk" or "drag" someone out of a mood is usually not a great idea.  Does your pwBPD seem to appreciate you efforts?  After being "dragged" out for a walk does he some "more cuddly" or "open" to being close to you?

So...two things in this post to consider.

1.  What is he "telling" me?

2.  Does "dragging" work?

I'll check back later to read your answers.  So glad you have chosen to start posting and work on improving your relationship!

Best,

FF

[Sleepycat]

Hi,

I have a very similar situation. My old job was very demanding. He used to work there and knew how things could go from calm to chaos quickly. However if things got hectic and I had to be away from my phone for a bit, I would come back to multiple texts of increasing intensity, and he would often be mad at me. I’ve been out of work for a couple of months, and am starting back on the 31st. I’m nervous about how that will effect our relationship. I’ve been daily available via text for a couple months. All I know to do are things I have recently read in DBT based books. What I plan to do is understand the emotion behind his actions, validate and reassure what I can when I return to my phone to find that he’s distraught. For instance, he oftentimes thinks my silence means I am preoccupied by another man. He was cheated on in both of his last two long-term relationships. I might say something like  “It sounds like you’re worrying about me talking to another man. Is that right?”  If he says yes, then I may say “It’s totally understandable that coming from a marriage where you were cheated on can make you uneasy sometimes. I was busy with xyz at work. When I’m working, I just can’t text as much. I do love/miss you, though”. That’s all I know to do. Whether he believes me or not is on him, but I will have done my part to try to be understanding and reassuring.. (seasoned partners, please chime in if you can add more). From what I’ve read and learned about him, it is counterintuitive for me to point out that he is “over reacting” and  I also can’t tiptoe around his feelings (both of which I have had a tendency to do in the past). What’s helped me in the past has been to set an expectation with him at the beginning of the day. I may say something like “Today is going to be a really busy day. I’ll probably not be near my phone much”. Once the expectation has been set, he seems to rarely get distraught over my minimal communication. With my new job, I am just letting him know before I start that this will be a demanding job, and to not expect me to be able to talk much on days I work. I miss him while I work, but I’m tired of feeling married to my phone. Good luck!