Six months after leaving my BPD ex and I'm still messed up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Our relationship began in a typical BPD honeymoon fashion. I was made to feel like the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. I thought I was in love. He seemed to love me completely. I fell for all of his great qualities. It all moved very fast. We moved in together. Of course it was all too good to be true.

After six months his dark side emerged. Regular fights about nothing began to occur where I was to blame somehow. The classic walking on eggshells started, and I began trusting him less and pulling back from him emotionally. I never knew about BPD before, so I had no idea what was happening at the time. Didn’t see or pay much attention to red flags. The love bombing, the mirroring. Also had never experienced codependency before. He told me I was the only person who understood him. I thought it my role to be there for him no matter what if I really cared about him. I believed his illness wasn’t his fault, or the “real” him. I really tried so hard to support him and waited so long for him to get help after being diagnosed with BPD, but he resisted proper treatment until it was too late. After a year since the problems began I started to break.

Episodes of physical altercations, boundary issues, paranoia, stalking, panic attacks, delusions, public breakdowns, crying, begging, emotional blackmail, suicidal gestures. Even just going out for a walk without him, or falling asleep before him at night would trigger him into an episode. This went on with increasing frequency until the episodes had become almost daily. I began staying at a friend’s place most days. The stress had taken a serious toll on my mental health and I lost my job but was unable to search for work with all the stress of managing his mood swings, and was therefore forced to depend entirely on someone who was mentally unstable. At the end I’d also become seriously worried about my physical safety. Didn't want to be left alone with him anymore. I felt I had no choice but to move out and leave the city to live with family, and I didn’t say goodbye in person out of fear he might try to manipulate or trap me again. I still feel guilty about doing that to someone I cared so deeply about, even though it was right at the time. His sickness wasn’t his fault, but maybe waiting so long to get help was.

After I left, with everything in shambles, I had to use all my energy to get back on my feet, and adapt to my new less-than-ideal surroundings. My father then later passed away, leaving little room to process the relationship. But at the time I thought I had moved on because I wasn’t thinking about my ex that much anymore. When I returned to the city six months after the break-up, I realized I’d just been repressing everything all those months. It all came flooding back with such intensity it felt like the worst heartbreak ever, even though I was the one who left. It was extremely painful for me to experience this suddenly and unexpectedly, and especially so many months later after I thought I'd already gotten over it. It was trauma all over again. I felt a need to somehow get answers or at least make peace, assuming he would want the same by now.

Foolishly and impulsively I texted him, saying I was in town and I felt sorry about how we left things. I asked if he wanted to get coffee, and he simply replied to say he never wants to see or talk to me again.

I replied to say I respected that, but that I only wanted to apologize for not saying goodbye. I explained why I felt it was necessary at the time and how frightened I was. I also explained how my processing everything and reaching out to him were delayed because I was knocked off my feet by the break-up and then my Dad died shortly after we broke up.

But only with more coldness did he reply again, saying nothing in response to my Dad dying. He only said it was too late for me to apologize, that his heart had been shattered, that this was too much for him, he’s moved on and is in a good place now.

But contrary to this, friends in the city have told me he’s been engaging in a lot of drug use, and lots of risky and indiscriminate sex. To me that doesn’t sound like a good place, and I can't imagine it mixes well with BPD. It makes me think he hasn’t really moved on as much as he says, and is probably a) protecting himself from any mention of the past that would dysregulate him, b) has split and hates my guts and enjoys seeing me suffer, or c) both.

I realize that because of his extreme abandonment issues, leaving must have caused him a lot of pain and even been traumatic - but it’s hard for me to accept that after six months he could be so dismissive, even after I offered an apology for my mistakes. He was finally discussing DBT treatment just before we broke up, but maybe that’s changed. Have seen no empathy from him or acknowledgement of his responsibility in everything that happened. He eventually told me to get a life and blocked me which seemed pretty childish. Makes me wonder if there’s a chance he might ever grow enough to reach out after he’s healed more. Or has he permanently painted me black?

After everything, it was hard to believe he could just cut me off so coldly. It’s like he doesn’t realize or doesn’t care enough to acknowledge the pain and suffering he caused me, after I did everything I could for him and the relationship. Of course I wasn't perfect. But it felt like my whole life was crushed and I’m still getting back on my feet, recovering mentally and emotionally. I’m still not ready for dating and I’m still living with family in another city because there was no other option for a while. I do have a job now, and I want to move back to the city on my own, but I feel it’s too soon, or that maybe he’s ruined that place permanently for me. There are too many memories and triggers there. Also I can’t let go of the thought of him still living in our apartment and living a life we were supposed to share, all while forgetting about me.

“Never again” seems extreme. Wonder if there will ever be a way to find closure with this person or get some recognition of his part in this. I’ve written letters expressing my feelings about how it’s not fair to treat me like a villain, but I always throw them away without sending them because I fear he’ll just despise me even more and be empowered by it. I can’t understand why I’m so stuck when clearly the relationship was toxic. I wonder if this is some kind of trauma-bonding or codependency withdrawal that I'm going through.

I wish I could just forget about the love I had for this disturbing person who's brought so much pain into my life. Figuring out what caused me to fall for and stay in a relationship like this - how can I learn from this and improve myself for the future. At least now I know the signs and will try to avoid dating untreated BPDs again.

[iamupsidedown]

Our relationship began in a typical BPD honeymoon fashion. I was made to feel like the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. I thought I was in love. He seemed to love me completely. I fell for all of his great qualities. It all moved very fast. We moved in together. Of course it was all too good to be true.

After six months his dark side emerged. Regular fights about nothing began to occur where I was to blame somehow. The classic walking on eggshells started, and I began trusting him less and pulling back from him emotionally. I never knew about BPD before, so I had no idea what was happening at the time. Didn’t see or pay much attention to red flags. The love bombing, the mirroring. Also had never experienced codependency before. He told me I was the only person who understood him. I thought it my role to be there for him no matter what if I really cared about him. I believed his illness wasn’t his fault, or the “real” him. I really tried so hard to support him and waited so long for him to get help after being diagnosed with BPD, but he resisted proper treatment until it was too late. After a year since the problems began I started to break.

Episodes of physical altercations, boundary issues, paranoia, stalking, panic attacks, delusions, public breakdowns, crying, begging, emotional blackmail, suicidal gestures. Even just going out for a walk without him, or falling asleep before him at night would trigger him into an episode. This went on with increasing frequency until the episodes had become almost daily. I began staying at a friend’s place most days. The stress had taken a serious toll on my mental health and I lost my job but was unable to search for work with all the stress of managing his mood swings, and was therefore forced to depend entirely on someone who was mentally unstable. At the end I’d also become seriously worried about my physical safety. Didn't want to be left alone with him anymore. I felt I had no choice but to move out and leave the city to live with family, and I didn’t say goodbye in person out of fear he might try to manipulate or trap me again. I still feel guilty about doing that to someone I cared so deeply about, even though it was right at the time. His sickness wasn’t his fault, but maybe waiting so long to get help was.

After I left, with everything in shambles, I had to use all my energy to get back on my feet, and adapt to my new less-than-ideal surroundings. My father then later passed away, leaving little room to process the relationship. But at the time I thought I had moved on because I wasn’t thinking about my ex that much anymore. When I returned to the city six months after the break-up, I realized I’d just been repressing everything all those months. It all came flooding back with such intensity it felt like the worst heartbreak ever, even though I was the one who left. It was extremely painful for me to experience this suddenly and unexpectedly, and especially so many months later after I thought I'd already gotten over it. It was trauma all over again. I felt a need to somehow get answers or at least make peace, assuming he would want the same by now.

Foolishly and impulsively I texted him, saying I was in town and I felt sorry about how we left things. I asked if he wanted to get coffee, and he simply replied to say he never wants to see or talk to me again.

I replied to say I respected that, but that I only wanted to apologize for not saying goodbye. I explained why I felt it was necessary at the time and how frightened I was. I also explained how my processing everything and reaching out to him were delayed because I was knocked off my feet by the break-up and then my Dad died shortly after we broke up.

But only with more coldness did he reply again, saying nothing in response to my Dad dying. He only said it was too late for me to apologize, that his heart had been shattered, that this was too much for him, he’s moved on and is in a good place now.

But contrary to this, friends in the city have told me he’s been engaging in a lot of drug use, and lots of risky and indiscriminate sex. To me that doesn’t sound like a good place, and I can't imagine it mixes well with BPD. It makes me think he hasn’t really moved on as much as he says, and is probably a) protecting himself from any mention of the past that would dysregulate him, b) has split and hates my guts and enjoys seeing me suffer, or c) both.

I realize that because of his extreme abandonment issues, leaving must have caused him a lot of pain and even been traumatic - but it’s hard for me to accept that after six months he could be so dismissive, even after I offered an apology for my mistakes. He was finally discussing DBT treatment just before we broke up, but maybe that’s changed. Have seen no empathy from him or acknowledgement of his responsibility in everything that happened. He eventually told me to get a life and blocked me which seemed pretty childish. Makes me wonder if there’s a chance he might ever grow enough to reach out after he’s healed more. Or has he permanently painted me black?

After everything, it was hard to believe he could just cut me off so coldly. It’s like he doesn’t realize or doesn’t care enough to acknowledge the pain and suffering he caused me, after I did everything I could for him and the relationship. Of course I wasn't perfect. But it felt like my whole life was crushed and I’m still getting back on my feet, recovering mentally and emotionally. I’m still not ready for dating and I’m still living with family in another city because there was no other option for a while. I do have a job now, and I want to move back to the city on my own, but I feel it’s too soon, or that maybe he’s ruined that place permanently for me. There are too many memories and triggers there. Also I can’t let go of the thought of him still living in our apartment and living a life we were supposed to share, all while forgetting about me.

“Never again” seems extreme. Wonder if there will ever be a way to find closure with this person or get some recognition of his part in this. I’ve written letters expressing my feelings about how it’s not fair to treat me like a villain, but I always throw them away without sending them because I fear he’ll just despise me even more and be empowered by it. I can’t understand why I’m so stuck when clearly the relationship was toxic. I wonder if this is some kind of trauma-bonding or codependency withdrawal that I'm going through.

I wish I could just forget about the love I had for this disturbing person who's brought so much pain into my life. Figuring out what caused me to fall for and stay in a relationship like this - how can I learn from this and improve myself for the future. At least now I know the signs and will try to avoid dating untreated BPDs again.

[SinisterComplex]

So first...relax and please be kind to you. Second, focusing on taking care of yourself. I mean it. You were put through the ringer. I get it. It sucks. However, now is the time to put the time and effort into yourself. You will heal in time and you will get better. The unfortunate reality is that there is set time for anyone to grieve and get over these relationships and types of things. Everyone has their own timeline and processes their emotions differently. You will know when you are ready to truly move on. Have patience with yourself and cut yourself some slack. We all get it and understand here...no judgment.

Please continue to vent and post. This resource is a fam and we will have your back through your journey.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-