Struggling to move on. How can I find the light?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This is a follow-up to my earlier post which was much longer. I thought I'd summarize it more here:

I left my BPD ex six months ago because I couldn't bear the turmoil and instability any longer. A year after his diagnosis, my mental health had been destroyed. He was the biggest love of my life and I tried so hard to wait and support him, but he was resistant to treatment until it was too late. When he finally started taking medication the worst damage was already done. I had become too afraid of being in a room or even the same city with him anymore. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and my life was wrecked because of it. I'm still recovering because my processing was delayed while I attempted to get back on my feet and find work in a different city, and then deal with the death of my father. It's now six months later, and after being triggered unexpectedly when visiting the city we'd lived in together for the first time, it feels like we just broke up. I realized I'd been repressing everything this whole time, but had believed I'd moved past it. I now can't stop the pain, the ruminating, or the feeling guilty for the trauma that leaving him must have caused – even though it was the only thing I could do at that time.  

I tried texting him recently, hoping that enough time had passed to make peace. I hoped he'd understand by now that I left because I felt I had no other choice then but to protect myself. I apologized for the way I'd moved out of our apartment without saying goodbye in person, and explained how afraid I'd been. I said I didn't blame him and never wanted to hurt him. He responded by saying he never wanted to see or talk to me again.

I'm really struggling with this. It's hard to accept we'll never talk again. Don't know what I'm supposed to do with this pain and guilt to move on. I wasn't expecting him to be so cold and dismissive with me and unwilling to take any ownership over what he caused by not getting help sooner. I fear that contacting him has only empowered him. I suppose he's permanently painted me black now. I know I wasn't perfect, but at least I tried to apologize for my mistakes. He said it's too late for apologies now, that he's moved on, and he told me to get a life and blocked me. It all seems so extreme and immature and unempathetic. I know my leaving caused him harm, especially with his extreme abandonment issues. But I assumed that all these months in therapy would have helped him to accept his part and forgive. Friends have told me they've seen him engaging in a lot of unhealthy behavior, drugs, random sex, etc. So maybe the moving on is partially a front. My friends also say the problem is that I'm thinking of him as though he doesn't have BPD, but doing otherwise is easier said than done.

I'm heartbroken and struggling with the worst anxiety and depression because of all this. It hurts that he seems to have moved on and forgotten me, and I resent that he still gets to continue living the life we had while I'm basically in exile. Sometimes I'm filled with regret and doubting the choices I made back then, even though I shouldn't be. My mind knows that if I'd stayed, the cycle of abuse would have continued. But I still feel such a strong emotional attachment to him, and I'm haunted by memories good and bad. I wonder if he will ever heal to the point that we could talk again, at least to find some resolve. It doesn't seem fair that I should be punished or made to feel like I'm to blame for everything. Why can't I get past the guilt and accept that I did the right thing. Why do I need an apology so badly. Why do I feel like something has been painfully severed, while knowing he was toxic for me. How can I start thinking more about what to take away from this moving forward. I wish I could get out of this trap.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

[iamupsidedown]

This is a follow-up to my earlier post which was much longer. I thought I'd summarize it more here:

I left my BPD ex six months ago because I couldn't bear the turmoil and instability any longer. A year after his diagnosis, my mental health had been destroyed. He was the biggest love of my life and I tried so hard to wait and support him, but he was resistant to treatment until it was too late. When he finally started taking medication the worst damage was already done. I had become too afraid of being in a room or even the same city with him anymore. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and my life was wrecked because of it. I'm still recovering because my processing was delayed while I attempted to get back on my feet and find work in a different city, and then deal with the death of my father. It's now six months later, and after being triggered unexpectedly when visiting the city we'd lived in together for the first time, it feels like we just broke up. I realized I'd been repressing everything this whole time, but had believed I'd moved past it. I now can't stop the pain, the ruminating, or the feeling guilty for the trauma that leaving him must have caused – even though it was the only thing I could do at that time.  

I tried texting him recently, hoping that enough time had passed to make peace. I hoped he'd understand by now that I left because I felt I had no other choice then but to protect myself. I apologized for the way I'd moved out of our apartment without saying goodbye in person, and explained how afraid I'd been. I said I didn't blame him and never wanted to hurt him. He responded by saying he never wanted to see or talk to me again.

I'm really struggling with this. It's hard to accept we'll never talk again. Don't know what I'm supposed to do with this pain and guilt to move on. I wasn't expecting him to be so cold and dismissive with me and unwilling to take any ownership over what he caused by not getting help sooner. I fear that contacting him has only empowered him. I suppose he's permanently painted me black now. I know I wasn't perfect, but at least I tried to apologize for my mistakes. He said it's too late for apologies now, that he's moved on, and he told me to get a life and blocked me. It all seems so extreme and immature and unempathetic. I know my leaving caused him harm, especially with his extreme abandonment issues. But I assumed that all these months in therapy would have helped him to accept his part and forgive. Friends have told me they've seen him engaging in a lot of unhealthy behavior, drugs, random sex, etc. So maybe the moving on is partially a front. My friends also say the problem is that I'm thinking of him as though he doesn't have BPD, but doing otherwise is easier said than done.

I'm heartbroken and struggling with the worst anxiety and depression because of all this. It hurts that he seems to have moved on and forgotten me, and I resent that he still gets to continue living the life we had while I'm basically in exile. Sometimes I'm filled with regret and doubting the choices I made back then, even though I shouldn't be. My mind knows that if I'd stayed, the cycle of abuse would have continued. But I still feel such a strong emotional attachment to him, and I'm haunted by memories good and bad. I wonder if he will ever heal to the point that we could talk again, at least to find some resolve. It doesn't seem fair that I should be punished or made to feel like I'm to blame for everything. Why can't I get past the guilt and accept that I did the right thing. Why do I need an apology so badly. Why do I feel like something has been painfully severed, while knowing he was toxic for me. How can I start thinking more about what to take away from this moving forward. I wish I could get out of this trap.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

[2020]

Hello there. I have read both your messages and I understand the pain you are in. It would be fair to say that all of us here have felt this, so you are in good company!

Six months on and you are still being haunted hey? I probably don’t have the answer for you, I’m sorry. Although I have been here on and off for a few years, this possibly permanent discard I am suffering right now, is only just over five weeks old for me.

When my mother died, I became fully involved with my friend. It was a much needed distraction. Eight years on and I find myself now grieving the loss of my partner and my mother. Perhaps the death of your father focused you on that, and now several months later, your break up is hitting you?

I have to say this though; I am almost envious that YOU actually had the courage and strength to leave. It would have been really tough making that decision. I was always bending over backwards and accommodating my partners poor behaviour. In retrospect it may have been better to have stood up for myself. And I think that is what you did. It seems to me that you have a lot more self worth than I ever did! I’d be focusing on that. You actually did have a boundary.

The anxiety and depression gets really tough on us. I’ve been bedridden most days recently. But I am not going crazy looking or emailing! This is a shift for me. I think I am just worn out and run down. We should keep in mind that time does change things. Its passage will soothe the pain. We just need to be patient.

I am not sure what moving forward looks like for you and I. Being away from the drama is nice, but because we become 24/7 caretakers, we are lost when it all ends. My son told me the other day that this is the longest time in his life where nothing crazy has gone on. It made me sad actually. We need to appreciate the peace.

So what do you think the future will be for you? You are finished with this person? I only ask because they are known to come back. I don’t think that will happen for me right now, but it is possible, and I don’t know how I would deal with it. You know, we love these sensitive people and want them to get well. We pour all this love and kindness into them and it doesn’t appear to even register.

Do you think he has moved on? It sounds to me like he has moved backward. Having loads of drugs and sex doesn’t sound like healthy progress. Perhaps it will all come tumbling down?

I’m sorry I don’t have much of a solution for you. You might be doing better than
you think. It is hard to see when you are in the thick of it. Put it this way; you are not the one going out taking drugs and being an idiot. There are healthy ways to deal with things. I’m sure you’ll get some other replies soon. People are really supportive here. This forum has got me through some very desperate times. Just keep posting. Good luck!

[iamupsidedown]

Thank you so much for your comments and for sharing your story. I’m sorry about what you’ve gone through, and I can understand.

It’s encouraging to be reminded of the strength it took to leave. After losing some of my perspective recently, I really needed to hear that. I’ve seen family members fall into perpetually bad situations before, and I didn’t want that for myself. As hard as it is being where I am now, I’m trying to remind myself that it will be worth it eventually. Your reply helped.

You’re so right about feeling lost after being the caretaker for so long, a role we never asked for but nonetheless became attached to. It’s all so twisted really.

I don’t know if he will ever try to come back. He blocked me almost immediately after I told him I left, and he never tried to contact me again. That just didn’t seem normal, especially after what we shared and then everything we went through. I can only guess that his reaction was related to his BPD.

I know I was cold to him when I left. But I did tell him that I didn't feel safe anymore. I was so afraid he would try to physically or emotionally trap me from leaving somehow. In hindsight, I wish I could have gone gently, but I know this would likely have perpetuated the toxic cycle. Still, it’s been hard to wrap my head around how he just vanished, and says he never wants to talk to me again. I expected he would have also gained some perspective by now. No, I don’t believe he’s fully moved on. Would he still behave this way if he had?

I’d wished to find some resolve after things calmed down and to not have these ill feelings forever. I often feel resentment, but deep down it’s still hard to blame him, because I know his issues are difficult for him to control, and that’s made it harder for me to move on I think, even though I know I did the right thing. As another poster recently expressed, even though we love them, there should never be an excuse to tolerate abuse. I do think he blames me though, and I’m trying not to take it personally anymore.

[2020]

I think what your friends have suggested that you think of him as though he doesn't have BPD, is important. I find it hard myself figuring this out. How can these people we put so much time and attention, caring and love into, just amputate us from their lives? We need to remember that they have a personality disorder and we do not.

With my partner, she would run away often. She’d slip out the window while I made us a coffee. Sometimes she would be gone hours; sometimes days or weeks. She’d be near sometimes, like hiding under the bed, or hundreds of miles away. I am not sure of your experience of this. I suspect when things become too difficult, they just need to get away in order to stop the pain. They are hyper sensitive. I have heard the term ‘emotional burns victim’ used.

They see the world though a distorted lens. Did you ever get accused of things which simply never happened? You see it is hard to make sense of their behaviour from our viewpoint. They are just so different. I think that is what attracts us to them in the first place. And I’d say they are attracted to us because they sense things in us which is our kindness. The problem is, when we do one little thing wrong, as humans do, it is magnified for them. Because they appear to work in extremes, we are either all good or all bad. They find it hard to see the inbetween.

You sent a message to this person and they responded, but not in a nice way. If he never wanted to see or talk to you again, why was he talking to you? Why did he even reply? To dump some of his hurt onto you? Or is he trying to keep the door open? Maybe he felt secure knowing that you were thinking of him? It is hard to decipher their words and actions.

I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you did hear from him sometime. From what I have read here, they may well come back. This is why we need to focus on ourselves. We need to figure out what we want, what we find acceptable, and get to the bottom of why we feel compelled to want to rescue people like this in the first place. At least, that’s what I am thinking, today.

Try not be be too hard on yourself with ‘hindsight’. You did your best under very difficult circumstances. Yes we would do anything to make this better, to have it all work out nicely in the ending. But that isn’t reality. As the healthy (healthier?) partner in the relationship, we need reality. We are not bpd. We do not distort reality.

I find it all very sad. The stories here are so similar. A tragedy. Just try to take care of yourself. Don’t beat yourself up about the past and worry about the future. I know that isn’t easy. The loss is huge. We can’t fix them. Even trained specialists find this difficult to treat. Personally, I am just hanging on myself. I have nothing left to lose now. In the back of my mind I know that the passage of time soothes things. Nothing will stay the same. Maybe when we stop hurting, other opportunities will present themselves?

[Deep Blue]

I'm heartbroken and struggling with the worst anxiety and depression because of all this. It hurts that he seems to have moved on and forgotten me, and I resent that he still gets to continue living the life we had while I'm basically in exile. Sometimes I'm filled with regret and doubting the choices I made back then, even though I shouldn't be. My mind knows that if I'd stayed, the cycle of abuse would have continued. But I still feel such a strong emotional attachment to him, and I'm haunted by memories good and bad. I wonder if he will ever heal to the point that we could talk again, at least to find some resolve. It doesn't seem fair that I should be punished or made to feel like I'm to blame for everything. Why can't I get past the guilt and accept that I did the right thing. Why do I need an apology so badly. Why do I feel like something has been painfully severed, while knowing he was toxic for me. How can I start thinking more about what to take away from this moving forward. I wish I could get out of this trap.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

iamupsidedown,

I know all too well the pain of going through one of these relationships with a pwBPD. The lies, behaviors, and post break up chaos. I’m also aware of how time helps to heal the wounds, but that even with time they don’t go away completely.

I’m not sure if this will help, but breaking down things logically helped me a lot in figuring this mess out. First off, people with BPD behave in such a way that make their relationships doomed from the start. The abuse, threats, paranoia, and lack of trust are unsustainable. If it gives you any solace, leaving was the only way of preserving some sense of self respect and boundaries for yourself. As 2020 pointed out, this is something to be incredibly proud of.

Second, I will say that your conflicting feelings about leaving are normal and the trauma bond that formed between you and your partner is partially responsible for this. Looking forward, I’d recommend therapy to address and unpack the codependency and past trauma that partners of pwBPD tend to have that allowed them to be in this situation in the first place.

Yes, the BPD individuals are incredibly damaged and disturbed people, but we ourselves have tendencies or personality traits that were attracted to that toxicity in some way. Whether it be the love bombing, mirroring, or echoes of childhood relationships.

Beyond this, I’d say to work on yourself, getting in shape and setting and accomplishing goals and whatnot. This journey is not easy in the slightest and as a community we are always here to share our struggles. Hope this helps in some way.

- Deep Blue

[iamupsidedown]

Did you ever get accused of things which simply never happened?

Yes all the time, this became the norm. Every time he'd get triggered, we'd go around in circles, arguing about nothing and with him making accusations against me that weren't grounded in reality. If I became silent, he'd become more angry. And I couldn't escape because I had to take care of him during his panic attacks that always followed. When I did try to set boundaries during these moments, he'd make me feel like an uncaring person for not putting up with it all and then calming him down.

You sent a message to this person and they responded, but not in a nice way. If he never wanted to see or talk to you again, why was he talking to you? Why did he even reply? To dump some of his hurt onto you? Or is he trying to keep the door open? Maybe he felt secure knowing that you were thinking of him? It is hard to decipher their words and actions.

At my expense I'm sure he must've felt secure by it. Perhaps he simultaneously wanted to hurt me and keep the door open. He's pretty much blocked me everywhere now though. Maybe that will change one day.

I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you did hear from him sometime. From what I have read here, they may well come back. This is why we need to focus on ourselves. We need to figure out what we want, what we find acceptable, and get to the bottom of why we feel compelled to want to rescue people like this in the first place. At least, that’s what I am thinking, today.

I am actually worried about this, because honestly I'm still struggling with wanting him to contact me. There are some days now where I don't feel this, but today I certainly do. I wish I could explain to him that I didn't leave because I didn't love or care about him, how painful it was and still is, and that it wasn't only his heart that was broken. I wish he would give me some sign, however small, that he still cares, and doesn't think of me as some demon. I keep thinking about mailing him a letter, but I know that would make everything ten times worse. It's frustrating that my brain goes backwards like this after every time I feel I've made progress. It feels like a tug of war - between knowing I did the right thing and regret. I think there's definitely a trauma bond at work here.

You're right that the best thing to do is to focus on bettering ourselves, and to figure out why we were attracted to these situations. On some days I do feel like I am getting started with this.

Here's an interesting summary on trauma bonding if anyone is interested: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

[iamupsidedown]

I feel really stuck again and worry that there’s something wrong with me for going in circles and not being able to move on after so many months. I feel hopelessly attached to this person, wanting to believe that his silent treatment is temporary and he’ll eventually come to his senses to at least apologise. I follow him on social media which I know is very unhealthy. It seems like his mental health has worsened since we broke up, and I hear he’s still caught up in a lot of sex and drugs, but knowing this isn’t helping me move on like I want it to. Perhaps it’s because it’s all secondhand and I don’t know anything for sure. He said he's moved on, but I recently heard from a friend that my ex is telling people I’m evil and he’ll never forgive or talk to me again, though for what exactly he didn’t make clear. Rationally I know it is the BPD defence mechanisms at play, but it still makes me question my own sanity about events leading up to my choice to leave. I think most of my problem now is rooted in my own attachment issues and difficulty with harm reduction, but I think the hook is in large part due to this unresolved guilt and regret that I keep coming back to. One moment I find myself feeling the urge to justify my actions to myself and to him, and then the next moment I wonder if maybe he’s right and that I’ve done something awful to deserve this punishment. I know I was a bit careless and pretty cold about the way I left him, but I only acted that way out of fear which was so intense for me at the time.

So many people have told me they admire the courage it took for me to leave him. But it’s hard sometimes for me to see that when I question whether my own fear was blown out of proportion. Was he really such a threat, could he really have gotten better with improved treatment like he promised, and would I have ever been able to see him differently again?

It doesn’t help that I feel like I am living in exile in a place I do not want to be, while he continues living his life back where we were together. I can’t imagine being back there constantly worrying about running into him somewhere. It feels like I don’t have access to my own home and I don’t know where else I’d want to go.

Any words of support or advice from the community would be appreciated.

[SinisterComplex]

I feel really stuck again and worry that there’s something wrong with me for going in circles and not being able to move on after so many months. I feel hopelessly attached to this person, wanting to believe that his silent treatment is temporary and he’ll eventually come to his senses to at least apologise. I follow him on social media which I know is very unhealthy. It seems like his mental health has worsened since we broke up, and I hear he’s still caught up in a lot of sex and drugs, but knowing this isn’t helping me move on like I want it to. Perhaps it’s because it’s all secondhand and I don’t know anything for sure. He said he's moved on, but I recently heard from a friend that my ex is telling people I’m evil and he’ll never forgive or talk to me again, though for what exactly he didn’t make clear. Rationally I know it is the BPD defence mechanisms at play, but it still makes me question my own sanity about events leading up to my choice to leave. I think most of my problem now is rooted in my own attachment issues and difficulty with harm reduction, but I think the hook is in large part due to this unresolved guilt and regret that I keep coming back to. One moment I find myself feeling the urge to justify my actions to myself and to him, and then the next moment I wonder if maybe he’s right and that I’ve done something awful to deserve this punishment. I know I was a bit careless and pretty cold about the way I left him, but I only acted that way out of fear which was so intense for me at the time.

So many people have told me they admire the courage it took for me to leave him. But it’s hard sometimes for me to see that when I question whether my own fear was blown out of proportion. Was he really such a threat, could he really have gotten better with improved treatment like he promised, and would I have ever been able to see him differently again?

It doesn’t help that I feel like I am living in exile in a place I do not want to be, while he continues living his life back where we were together. I can’t imagine being back there constantly worrying about running into him somewhere. It feels like I don’t have access to my own home and I don’t know where else I’d want to go.

Any words of support or advice from the community would be appreciated.

For one...do not put any undue stress upon you thinking there is something wrong with you. By doing that you will eventually make something wrong with you ok. So take a step back, breathe, attempt to relax and center yourself. This is a process. Sometimes it takes longer for others. Everyone has their own timeline and their own speed. It doesn't make anyone stronger or weaker...we are all equals here.

Secondly, please be kind to YOU and take care of yourself. You are not being judged and you are not facing a deadline ok. So do not cause yourself your own anxiety.

Please continue to vent and engage with us here so we can help you along.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-