Once you're going down the spiral, there's no way to stop?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been here a long time.  To some extent, I have learnt some of the tools here and practised it to manage my relationship with uBPDh.  But I fail all the time.  Because I'm hot-headed and most of the time when I get emotional, I don't remember to use the tools when it's too late.  My awareness goes down.  I don't think before I speak so the tools are forgotten, then you realise you've stepped into this trap you create yourself and you're stuck, going down that spiral of rage.

And it can go on for days, no matter how much you have apologised.  It eventually goes back to baseline, but it takes days for him to calm down.  Meanwhile, every single thing you do is wrong.  Like last night I said accused uBPDh of having a temper with me, but actually I was projecting on him because I said something insensitive that I shouldn't have.  I apologised but the damage is done.  He said it doesn't matter whether I said it on purpose or it was "projection" or whatever; the damage done to him is the same. 

Anyway, fast forward to today.  He called me while I was at work, his voice and tone (and content) clearly showing that he's still "in the zone".  He kept on asking why I threw away a pair of nail clippers, why did I do it to him?  He bought it, so why do I throw away his stuff?  I said that we've now got a new one, and last night when I used those old ones they hurt me because they didn't work (and are getting more and more uselss), so I threw it out, as the new ones don't hurt.  He doesn't accept this and claim that he never throws away me stuff, why am I throwing away his stuff? 

Let me make it clear- it's something not out of the ordinary for us.  Say, when I think his toothbrush is too old, I would throw it away and replace it (as I buy in bulk) without discussing with him.  It's never been a problem. 

I know it's not about the clippers.  Ok I was stupid and shouldn't have done it last night (to give him an excuse to connect this with our argument), but if it's not the clippers it would've been something else.  So is there a way to avoid this?  Knowing he's on this rage spiral, what can I do to protect myself from further accusations and potentially making it worse?  Cos obviously he's looking for any excuse to stay in his rage and paint me black.  The longer it drags on, the more chance I have of screwing it up... I know it takes time for him to "calm down" and return to baseline, so I can't hurry that, but any tips on exactly how I should be during this period?  Thanks.

[Chosen]

I've been here a long time.  To some extent, I have learnt some of the tools here and practised it to manage my relationship with uBPDh.  But I fail all the time.  Because I'm hot-headed and most of the time when I get emotional, I don't remember to use the tools when it's too late.  My awareness goes down.  I don't think before I speak so the tools are forgotten, then you realise you've stepped into this trap you create yourself and you're stuck, going down that spiral of rage.

And it can go on for days, no matter how much you have apologised.  It eventually goes back to baseline, but it takes days for him to calm down.  Meanwhile, every single thing you do is wrong.  Like last night I said accused uBPDh of having a temper with me, but actually I was projecting on him because I said something insensitive that I shouldn't have.  I apologised but the damage is done.  He said it doesn't matter whether I said it on purpose or it was "projection" or whatever; the damage done to him is the same. 

Anyway, fast forward to today.  He called me while I was at work, his voice and tone (and content) clearly showing that he's still "in the zone".  He kept on asking why I threw away a pair of nail clippers, why did I do it to him?  He bought it, so why do I throw away his stuff?  I said that we've now got a new one, and last night when I used those old ones they hurt me because they didn't work (and are getting more and more uselss), so I threw it out, as the new ones don't hurt.  He doesn't accept this and claim that he never throws away me stuff, why am I throwing away his stuff? 

Let me make it clear- it's something not out of the ordinary for us.  Say, when I think his toothbrush is too old, I would throw it away and replace it (as I buy in bulk) without discussing with him.  It's never been a problem. 

I know it's not about the clippers.  Ok I was stupid and shouldn't have done it last night (to give him an excuse to connect this with our argument), but if it's not the clippers it would've been something else.  So is there a way to avoid this?  Knowing he's on this rage spiral, what can I do to protect myself from further accusations and potentially making it worse?  Cos obviously he's looking for any excuse to stay in his rage and paint me black.  The longer it drags on, the more chance I have of screwing it up... I know it takes time for him to "calm down" and return to baseline, so I can't hurry that, but any tips on exactly how I should be during this period?  Thanks.

[Jabiru]

Hi Chosen I've encountered similar situations with my uBPD wife. We solved it by not throwing away each other's things. Another option is to have a trash bin for things destined for the "real trash" so he has time to check it. Really, it's up to you and him to talk through it and agree on something that works for both of you.

When he's experiencing emotional dysregulation, it helps to avoid JADE (justifying, attacking, defending, explaining) as it usually results in circular arguments with nothing accomplished but elevated emotions. I like this article about avoiding arguing. If things get too heated, I say I need an hour for myself to calm down and simply exit the room. I take some time for myself to be alone for a walk or read a book. Does this sound doable?

[thankful person]

Hi Chosen,
I do relate to your hot-headedness. My relationship with my wife has improved so much, all through my own hard work… but there are times when I still get impatient and just want to express my frustration (and scream and shout) rather than stopping and thinking and doing everything the right way that I have learnt. I think it’s easier for me because the children are always around and I don’t want to upset them and I worry how my wife’s angry shouting affects them.. We fell out yesterday because we are on holiday and it was my birthday and the row was over where we were going to dinner (with the kids)… and I accused her of “leading me into a trap”, something I used to experience all the time but not so much recently. And she point blank refused to go out at all after that. I said I needed some fresh air and went out onto the caravan deck and the kids followed me and had fun playing with me out there. After sometime I invited my wife out saying it’s lovely out here and she refused saying I wanted to get away from her (true) and I didn’t invite her. In the end, after us eating ready meals and sandwiches in the caravan, she eventually opened up and told me she was going through some issues she was worried about. She even texted “sorry it’s not been a great day” later on. These are new things for her. Sometimes it’s not about us at all. I don’t have much advice it’s just nice to share experiences. I was proud to “walk away with the kids” although I didn’t actually take them anywhere.. At age 1 and 2 it wouldn’t exactly be a relaxing birthday meal .  I’m working towards what I hear other members saying like they took the kids out when the pwbpd threw a wobbly and refused to join in. A year ago I wouldn’t have dared to even “leave” my wife at such a time. But when the kids get old enough to understand what’s going on I don’t want them to be promised pizza and then let down by both parents.

[ForeverDad]

While "sins of commission and sins of omission" may not strictly apply here, maybe it's more like "who is the first to attempt a fix and who is the last to attempt a fix"?  There should be a more compact saying but it escapes me now.