Post breakup trauma

[Coppermine]

Hi,

I am feeling numb, sad and left with a wound I do not see myself recover from in a long while. Never have I´ve seen this type of cold in a person before. I will try to make this long story short. A couple of years ago we met. She told me she was diagnosed with depression. It did not bother me, I did some research and tried my best to learn about it. The relationship was  intense, she was lovebombing me and I fell hard. All of a sudden, after a few months, she withdrew, went from 100 to 0 in contact. I was left shocked and tried to figure out what went wrong, but I did everything according to the rules with depression, stayed in touch every once in a while, gave kind words to her, reassuring her that I was there for here.  After a few weeks, she explodes and sends me an email about how horrible I am as person, and accusing me of things I had no idea about. She even told me she had a new boyfriend which understood her, and was so good to her and that she didnt want any contact with me, but we could be friends- she said. I simply told her no, we cannot be friends, I wished her the best and that she has to work on herself, because depression doesnt give anybody the right to treat someone this way.

Fast forward 8 months, she adds me on instagram, and contacts me after a few weeks. Wanting to apologize and talk about what happened. (Rembember, I thought this was depression I was dealing with)
I thought sure, why not. She behaved differently, more mature and really did make an impression on me that she had changed. ( I was naive) The red flags were still there when we started dating for the second run. A lot of male friends which I never heard off before popped up in random conversations. "old friends" that wanted to meet up with her. I overlooked many things. But i also did put my foot down when i thought she was overstepping. She always cried when I confronted her about her wrongdoings. Always taking the role of the victim " nothing I do is right" I even suspect she cheated on me back then, with some guy she said was to borrow our parking. So he didnt have to pay while at work. I asked her who this friend was, in which she replied " Oh some guy i´ve talked to for two months on instagram" This was the biggest redflag of all, I confronted her. Asked her to show me their conversation, but of course, she had deleted it. Again she cried and victimized herself as never doing good enough. I was foolish not to leave. All my instincts told me to get out, but the love I had for her was too strong.  

There were many strange things. She was overly convinced that we should get a dog just three months into the relationship. I tried to talk her out of it, told her we could wait. But I wanted to make her happy. The funny thing is, the moment we got our dog, after perhaps 4 -5 months of dating. We went from having sex 3-4 times a week, to once maybe twice a month. She just stopped being sexual. She was never in the mood all of a sudden. It was a too drastic swift for it to be just a normal process in a relationship.

About a month and a half after our engagment, she got into a depressive state. Stopped talking, was tired all the time and withdrew from me. I did my best to be there, give her space and show that I cared. She had some crying episodes which resulted in her going to her mothers place. When she got back she broke up with me. Felt very impulsive. I asked her if she had done anything with someone else? If she met somebody? But she calmly said-  NO. It felt like a lie. But even though she broke up, she didnt want me to go. She wanted me to stay there with her and so I did for three nights, but we were still broken up. I was so confused. The third night when we fell a sleep I woke up in the middle of the night. The podcast on her phone which we fell asleep to, had stopped playing, I took her phone to replay it, but the bad side of me took over and I checked her messages. She had been seeing a guy, some friend of hers which I had never met before that she even invited to her Birthday party. We got engaged that day, and he was there. Remember, this was two months after our engament. I confronted her, woke her up and demanded the truth, she cried and begged me not to leave her ( I didnt understand the sudden change of mind) She said I was everything to her. I´ve never seen a person cry as she did. I had packed my stuff, parked the car outside, and when I got back in, she was lying in the bedroom, over the toilet, vomiting and crying. I didnt have it in me to leave her alone. I felt to much compassion and sorrow for her ( I know, im an idiot) I forgave her, it was only a kiss she said, and i chose to believe her. She never wanted to talk about the cheating, she never mentioned it. I tried to talk about, I needed her to carry her responsibility towards me. But her "depression" got worse so I also did not want to bother her with it, instead I let her take her time to become  better and I carried on with taking care of her, the animals, and myself as best as I could. She broke up with me again a couple of weeks later. She was irrationally angry and blew up over things i just didnt understand. Then she was calm again. But still wanted the break-up. I was just empty, I had no more energy. For three months I have been giving my everything. I just calmly packed my stuff in the middle of the night and left. She kept contacting me as if nothing had happened. Bought me stuff, wanted to see me, go for walks, gave me back rubs, came to my football games and made plans with me. She gave me mixed signals all the time but it felt as if she wanted me to stay. Everytime I got closer, she pulled away again. I tried having conversations about us. But she had not been reflecting about the break up at all,  she said. It felt like she wasnt sure about her decision, but she had to " Go through this depression by herself" Which I now know was a lie. She had been seeing the guy she cheated on me with. I found out when I was to return her Imac which I borrowed so that I could finish my internship. Her facebook had been logged in for two months without me noticing, and when I cleansed the computer, and the browsers, I saw that they were in contact.

I stopped being friendly at once towards her. I texted her that I was giving her the computer back and that she could pack the rest of my stuff I had left. I didnt say anything more. She was working nightshift, so i went to her work, she gave me the keys to our old apartment, and there I found him. Hiding in the bedroom with the door closed. The things he said to me, the way he talked to me, made me realize she had been lying to him about me and her. Saying we had problems, lied about me not wanting to return her computer ( which she insisted so kindly that I should borrow) probably saying horrible things about me in order to justify her cheating with him. This guy who even came up to me and congratulated me after the engagement. I mean, he saw how happy she was and how she cried when I proposed. And still he goes on to believe everything she says.

When I got back to her work and confronted her, I was angry, sad and felt so hurt. She acted so cold when she knew she got caught, she grimaced and made the " Cry me a river"  gesture when i asked her how she could do this. That gesture haunts me everyday. The lack of compassion, respect or care for someone who really loved her for more than two years. We havent talked since then. We still share our dog, weekly. But she sends her younger friend to do the contact and manage the transitions. It really hurts, everything she did. And now she is giving me the silent treatment for something she has done to me. By doing it, she is taking away my right to feel the hurt, as if I was the perpetrator, the one who hurt her, the one to cause her pain.

I spoke to her mother about it, we got pretty close. Spent a lot of time with her family. She told me that my ex has always been so cold to people, she explained to me that she had cheated before on other guys and that she doesnt think her daughter´s behavior is sane nor healthy. This led me to dive straight into psychology. I think she is a quiet BPD. She is the victim in all her relationships. Portraying herself as a sweet little person that is fragile and helpless. I also realized that she had approximately 6 relationships in total between our first break up and now. Between 3- 4 months each and that her behavior is a pattern. Or a cycle, if you will. And there was something wrong with all of them.  And even now, with my knowledge, it still hurts knowing that right now I probably dont mean anything to her. And all the kindness, all the good I tried to give her, was for nothing.

[Rev]

Hi Copper,

Welcome. I see that you are relatively new here. I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I really can hurt when these breakups create what can feel like a hole in our hearts.

I have a story too. We all do. And that's why you've come to such a great place. No one here is going to judge you. There's lot's of wisdom here too.

Thank you for that testimony. I wonder what it's like for you to share it here? And what was it like to speak with your ex's mother.  I focus in on that, because on the day that my own marriage blew up in spectacular fashion my ex completely barred me from speaking to my mother-in-law with whom I had a great relationship. For fear of repercussions, I heeded that warning because I wanted to avoid nasty divorce proceedings.  I continue to wonder what my mother in law would have said to me, although I have a pretty good idea.

Anyway ... I am digressing.  I really just wanted to get the ball rolling by saying "hello".

Reach out any time. Sorry for your loss.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Coppermine]

Hi rev,

thank you for you reply and I am so sorry for what you had to go trough. How are you feeling now?

 I feel a bit better when I write it off. It feels like I can be rational in my writing, and notice the small abusive acts that i was blind to during the relationship. I also realise that sometimes setting boundaries is equivalent to leaving. I have come to accept that things will not be better. If the boundaries are crossed for a second time. It is time to go. Or else it will become worse. This accounts for all relationships, not only with BPD´s.

The conversation with my mother in law, was very giving. She was shocked since she hasnt heard anything of what happened from her. But she realized that her daughter had been lying to her too. Bunch of stuff I said that just didnt match up with her daughters lies. Even her mother told me to never let her inside my heart again. That was a powerful sentence from her. She told me to become angry with her. But in my heart I cant, I realise that she is not well, and only people who are not well behave this way towards others. Only people who are hurt, want to cause hurt. But she is not my problem anymore, now she is the new guys heaven and soon hell.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi rev,

thank you for you reply and I am so sorry for what you had to go trough. How are you feeling now?

 I feel a bit better when I write it off. It feels like I can be rational in my writing, and notice the small abusive acts that i was blind to during the relationship. I also realise that sometimes setting boundaries is equivalent to leaving. I have come to accept that things will not be better. If the boundaries are crossed for a second time. It is time to go. Or else it will become worse. This accounts for all relationships, not only with BPD´s.

The conversation with my mother in law, was very giving. She was shocked since she hasnt heard anything of what happened from her. But she realized that her daughter had been lying to her too. Bunch of stuff I said that just didnt match up with her daughters lies. Even her mother told me to never let her inside my heart again. That was a powerful sentence from her. She told me to become angry with her. But in my heart I cant, I realise that she is not well, and only people who are not well behave this way towards others. Only people who are hurt, want to cause hurt. But she is not my problem anymore, now she is the new guys heaven and soon hell.

Copper, likewise to my teammate Rev, but more succinctly...Welcome. 

You've been through hell just like most of us here. We do indeed understand and get it. Just wanted to let you know you have a fam here that is listening and has your back. Vent, ask as many questions as you need to.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Rev]

Hi rev,

thank you for you reply and I am so sorry for what you had to go trough. How are you feeling now?

 I feel a bit better when I write it off. It feels like I can be rational in my writing, and notice the small abusive acts that i was blind to during the relationship. I also realise that sometimes setting boundaries is equivalent to leaving. I have come to accept that things will not be better. If the boundaries are crossed for a second time. It is time to go. Or else it will become worse. This accounts for all relationships, not only with BPD´s.

The conversation with my mother in law, was very giving. She was shocked since she hasnt heard anything of what happened from her. But she realized that her daughter had been lying to her too. Bunch of stuff I said that just didnt match up with her daughters lies. Even her mother told me to never let her inside my heart again. That was a powerful sentence from her. She told me to become angry with her. But in my heart I cant, I realise that she is not well, and only people who are not well behave this way towards others. Only people who are hurt, want to cause hurt. But she is not my problem anymore, now she is the new guys heaven and soon hell.

Hi C,

I am now where you are. And thank you for giving me a glimpse of what it was like to speak with your mother in law. Mine was not in denial about who her child was and still is. And like any mother would do, supported her daughter as best as she could.  That is understandable and the right thing to do. It was hard because for me because I really did have a very good relationship with her.  Even as I write this I can hear the shock and dismay in her voice when (a) I cancelled a coffee with her because my ex threatened me and (b) the shaking in my m.i.l.'s voice when she said, "there's no way she's going to listen to me."  And that was the last words we spoke to each other.

I remember in an earlier conversation, one before we were married, I went to visit my soon to be in-laws to ask them for help in understanding what the emotional swings were and how to support her daughter. She said three things in that conversation that still stick with me.

A) I know she loves you and the boys (my ex's two sons) have never had as much structure as they have since you've come along.

B) I never fully bought what she said about M... (my ex's first husband) and what she said he did with the money. Make sure you protect yourself financially.

C) She's never been willing to go to counselling.

Says a lot. And at the time, honouring that honesty, I promised my in-laws that I would do my best to do right by their daughter.

The whole thing seems so surreal now. I have done so much work on myself to close up the gaps that led me to supress so many red flags.

Which brings me to Sinister Complex. I'm glad he's weighed in here, not just for you and I, but for anyone who may be reading this. He has this uncanny way of getting to the bottom line of things in a way that is non-threatening.  If the only way out of the damage these relationships can cause is to remain grounded, then SC's grounded wisdom is a welcome voice to any conversation.

Hang in there everyone.

Rev

[WhatToDo47]

Copper, your ex sounds incredibly quintessentially BPD. Congratulations on getting out. I’ve also been through hell, and can tell you that one day you will realize how blessed you are that you didn’t marry her. Don’t take her back. It will happen again and again until she finally would leave you and try to destroy your life. If I had listened before marriage like you are, I would have saved myself years, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and not have the PTSD that I do. Stay the course and you will find someone who is right for you and who you can trust.

Despite her best intentions, your ex will do this again and again and again unless she gets decades of targeted BPD therapy, and even then it’s iffy. More likely to win the lotto, so to speak, in my opinion.

You deserve better and not to be abused, we all do! How are you holding up?

Please keep reading and posting here. We all understand and are here for you!