Dealing with a niece with BPD with whom I have some legal dealings

[BethF]

Hi there.  I am in my 60s' and have a niece in her 50'S (I'll call her Laurel) with whom I have always been very close.  In fact she has been one of my closest friends. However in the last 5 years I have had to deal with her in my role as durable power of attorney (DPOA) for her mother (my sister) with dementia, now as executor of my sister's estate and trustee of a trust set up for Laurel.  When I acted to prevent her from making some impulsive and risky decisions about her mother she reacted with extreme anger which continued intermittently for months, upsetting my sister, involving other friends and family members and so on.  Others who have dealt with BPD, including the estate lawyer and a psychiatrist family member, agree she has most of the symptoms.  We have recently had another conflict where she questioned my role as executor and trustee and seemed to be trying to take control from me, claiming she has a legal right to be involved (not true according to the estate lawyer).  I am taking steps for my own mental health to divest myself of the trustee responsibility and pass it on to a fiduciary, which Laurel agrees with, even though this is an expensive option and I don't think it is what my sister would have chosen.  I still find it difficult to detach emotionally and not wake up at night having conversations with Laurel in my head and trying to make her see reason, which I know is futile.  It is not just the difficult practical dealings, it is also the strain and loss of intimacy in what used to be one of my closest relationships.  I'd appreciate any thoughts or suggestions from others who have dealt with situations such as this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. It is a big loss having to set strict boundaries with your niece whom you love yet can't enable to continue to mistreat you and others. My mother with BPD is deceased. I am dealing with dissolving financial and legal obligations to my sister with NPD and brother with BPD which my mother with BPD set up so she would never lose control and be abandonned even after she was deceased. Having a fiduciary take over and divest yourself of the trustee responsibility seems to make sense as the right move to protect yourself. People with BPD cannot listen to reason, and it is a never ending battle to be dealing with them directly as they escalate the dumping of their feelings they can't bare to face on those closest to them. I have a niece whom I am no longer in contact with though I still love her and wish her all the best. Nieces and nephews are people we have special bonds with and feel protective of. The aunts and uncles are the biological back up to the parents. It is normal to feel sad to be losing your niece and to not be able to have a rewarding relationship with her. Do take time to grieve in ways that help you to feel the losses while mostly going forward in being around people and activities that are rewarding and bring peace to your heart.

[BethF]

Thank you Zachira for the feedback and support.  My niece sometimes wants to discuss what has happened between us but my attempts in the past to explain myself have just led to verbal attacks and emotional explosions from her so I believe that discussions that involve expressing how I feel, why I did what I did, how I perceived her behavior etc. are futile and counter-productive.  Do you or others who have dealt with BPD agree that it is pointless to discuss the triggering events with the person with BPD?  And, if that is the case, how do you respond if they want to discuss grievances, and it is a person you have been very close to and shared honestly with in the past?  Saying "I can't talk about it because you're too crazy" doesn't seem right so I am wondering how to deflect these requests in a non-triggering way, if possible.  Thanks again for the support.