Most of us are...

[grumpydonut]

Hi all,

I'm feeling a bit more confident in making some observations now that I've been around this scene for...too long? Ha.

There's a couple of things I've learnt that I think some of the newer folk can learn from. So here's a concise list.

1. There is no "aHA" moment when learning about borderline. Learning about the disorder can help explain some things, but it'll never bring you closure nor peace. If that's the goal, stop.

2. A lot of exes of borderlines are naturally analytical people who find control of their environment through understanding, which really leads to pointlessly ruminating about your borderlines actions. Refer to point #1

3. We internalise our partner's actions - unless we are NPD - and readily believe if we only did a) b) or c) then things would have been different. No, it would not. There was no magical action you could have done to appease the borderline. That's not how the disorder works. You could have been perfect, but that's still not going to observe your partner's defence mechanisms - fear of engulfment, fear of abandonment which, in my opinion, is all linked to FEAR OF INTIMACY.

And, most importantly:

#4 We do not listen to anybody when we have first lost the person we love. Yes, we understand the advice of others on an intellectual level, but the amount of times I've seen someone on these forums says "yeah, you're right" and then go back to the borderline only to come back and say "they hurt me again" is remarkable - and I've done this to.

#5 It's natural to be on this board, hating or being confused by your borderline ex - while still secretly wanting them to come back and give you validation and the happy ending. It'll never happen that way.

You'll need to find validation in another, much more achievable way...through yourself!

Hope this helps someone.

[2020]

Thanks Grumpy. In hindsight, I’d add this…

#6 The ‘bettering tools’ were not sharp enough…

#7 … and I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed either

[drumdog4M]

Grumpydonut,

Thank you for such helpful observations. There's a lot of truth and wisdom there.

[NotAHero]

Hi all,

I'm feeling a bit more confident in making some observations now that I've been around this scene for...too long? Ha.

There's a couple of things I've learnt that I think some of the newer folk can learn from. So here's a concise list.

1. There is no "aHA" moment when learning about borderline. Learning about the disorder can help explain some things, but it'll never bring you closure nor peace. If that's the goal, stop.

2. A lot of exes of borderlines are naturally analytical people who find control of their environment through understanding, which really leads to pointlessly ruminating about your borderlines actions. Refer to point #1

3. We internalise our partner's actions - unless we are NPD - and readily believe if we only did a) b) or c) then things would have been different. No, it would not. There was no magical action you could have done to appease the borderline. That's not how the disorder works. You could have been perfect, but that's still not going to observe your partner's defence mechanisms - fear of engulfment, fear of abandonment which, in my opinion, is all linked to FEAR OF INTIMACY.

And, most importantly:

#4 We do not listen to anybody when we have first lost the person we love. Yes, we understand the advice of others on an intellectual level, but the amount of times I've seen someone on these forums says "yeah, you're right" and then go back to the borderline only to come back and say "they hurt me again" is remarkable - and I've done this to.

#5 It's natural to be on this board, hating or being confused by your borderline ex - while still secretly wanting them to come back and give you validation and the happy ending. It'll never happen that way.

You'll need to find validation in another, much more achievable way...through yourself!

Hope this helps someone.

 Great point and I can attest to them from my experience as well.

 The disorder wins at the end and there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing.

[Rev]

What a great post...

I'll add this one -

No amount of going back will ever make it better.  If you need to go back, then you need to recognize what will require some reworking in your approach to your relationship.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

What a great post...

I'll add this one -

No amount of going back will ever make it better.  If you need to go back, then you need to recognize what will require some reworking in your approach to your relationship.

Rev

The only call out I want to make here...First, my brother from another mother Rev is correct when he states no amount of going back will ever make it better...you have to fight the notion that you can be the hero and make the difference. No one ever "NEEDS" to go back. It is always a choice and if you want to do it just realize it was your decision and you have to accept the WHAT IS and not live in the fantasy land of WHAT COULD BE. We all can and could see the potential, but hey guess what? If you are reading this then you understand the end result of letting the potential influence your decision making.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Skip]

There is no "aHA" moment when learning about borderline. Learning about the disorder can help explain some things, but it'll never bring you closure nor peace. If that's the goal, stop.

I might adjust this one.

The aHa moment when learning about borderline personality disorder is about our self - not about our ex-partner. We sought these relationships, persevered long after the handwriting was on the wall, and we suffered huge injuries as a result and struggled mighty to recover.

The aHA moment is what we learn about human nature, ourselves from this experience that we can take forward in life. It's about us.

It's easy to critique someone else and we all do. Turning those new found tools inward can be transformative.

[Goosey]

Well said facts.
   To try any other avenue is futile.  Period.
(I talk the talk but still ruminate. That’s why I’m still here.)
   
   
   

[2020]

Rev, I don’t quite understand what you mean. Are you saying we can’t go back or we can?

[Rev]

Rev, I don’t quite understand what you mean. Are you saying we can’t go back or we can?

Sorry for the confusion.

Put another way... If you choose to go back, because you think it will "get better", think again. If you choose to go back because you feel that there is compelling reason other than hoping the relationship gets better (like say where there are children involved), then you had best be realistic about how you will need to change to live in the relationship in order to protect yourself.

Going back often leads to worse. If the relationship is abusive, then it's a near certainty it will.

Rev

[Rev]

Sorry for the confusion.

Put another way... If you choose to go back, because you think it will "get better", think again. If you choose to go back because you feel that there is compelling reason other than hoping the relationship gets better (like say where there are children involved), then you had best be realistic about how you will need to change to live in the relationship in order to protect yourself.

Going back often leads to worse. If the relationship is abusive, then it's a near certainty it will get worse.

Rev

[grumpydonut]

Cool to see so much depth added to my original post! Agree with everything above.

2020, I think you're a really good example of what I'm writing about. And this isn't to embarrass you, but just to make you more aware of what MIGHT be going on inside you.

Having read your posts, you seem to still be clinging to some sort of hope that you can make it work with your ex and you'll be the exception to the rule when it comes to the normal downfall of relationships with borderlines. I believe this is known as the denial stage of grief (?). She isn't going to magically return and make everything you're experiencing better. She isn't going to mend your broken sense of self worth. Only you can do that - APART from her. And you deserve better than to be worrying and ruminating and hoping for your borderline ex to treat you right.

Sorry if the call out isn't appreciated. Sometimes I think maybe I'm on the spectrum for autism, as I really struggle to comprehend when I'll be saying something that is too blunt and offensive, ha.

Also, apologies for the poor grammar in the original post, haha.

[2020]

Hey no problem Grumpy. I do enjoy reading your posts. And no problem with ‘the spectrum’ either. It is highly likely I am on it myself!

Back to your point. Yes, I am probably hoping that she will contact me. I will not deny that. Perhaps that is a natural longing? She has been haunting my dreams. I don’t have the time under my belt yet which others have here. I have been on the frontline for many years engaged in trench warfare. And now a mortar has hit and I have woken up in hospital with you guys.

Six weeks is not long enough for me to process this event. It will take me some time. Yes I feel hurt and angry, sad and lonely. It changes from moment to moment. I am not that blinded that I think this can all turn out nicely in the ending. It won’t. I could never mend this. I tried really hard but failed. But maybe I can fix myself? I am finding that reading through the older posts in this forum is helping. It is the members further along the line which guides me and gives me hope. And so we march on towards the inevitable, I guess.

[grumpydonut]

Look into the posts from a member called "2010" (how ironic). I found that information very insightful in understand the disorder itself.

And you're right, 6 weeks is not long enough to process. You'll get there! If I did, you can.

[WhatToDo47]

Super helpful list that definitely applies to me. Thanks all!