So Many Borders

[Eilzair]

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Hello, this is my first post.
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I'm a 47 y.o. man who is a border magnet. I believe that this stems from my relationship with my Mother. She physically abused me from about age 4 until age 12 when I became more able to defend myself. The day that I stopped her from beating me with a belt was the last time that she viewed me as her son. If I wasn't available to take beatings then I served no purpose to her and was mearly eating her food and taking up space. I didn't go into the store with her as I might ask for something. I was always worried that I'd need to go to the doctor and cost her money and being terrified of going to the dentist because if there was any problem with my teeth she would hold me in a headlock to brush them until something else distracted her. I lived in hand me down clothes from my Sister and cousins. I was denied braces which I still need.

My Father was absolutely destroyed by this woman. She reached into the center of him and swallowed it up. He would just hide in his shop to get away. My Sister always seemed to be somewhere else. Despite growing up with her I don't know her at all. So I was always left behind with her. Her anger and rage could move mountains. Dark, hurtful, evil, it's difficult to describe. She was compelled to punish others for her unhappiness.
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When their divorce came I was 14ish and my Sister 17ish. She flew off to safety and denile while the battle over custody of me began. Not to take me, but who had to take me. My Father bought a junk 30 foot trailer and parked it behind his Mothers house. He plugged it in and was off to the bars trying to see if he could pull some trash. My Mother rented a room in a retirement home that didn't accept children. I wasn't even allowed to visit. She said that I wasn't allowed on the property. In retropect I believe that she was telling a million little lies about me to people so that they wouldn't think poorly of her. She would lie about things that serve no rational purpose like she was keeping practiced in it.
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I didn't speak to her for many years until I contacted her to ask for finacial assistance for college. I'm taking 5 or 10 grand here not ivy league stuff. Obviously that request was soundly rejected as the idea of investing in me was the furthest thing from her mind. I went no contact again for many more years until I had children of my own. A few $50 gift cards ensued that came at a horrible cost. "What did you get with it?", "Why aren't the kids playing with it?", "Take a picture with them wearing it." No contact again.
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Most recently she sent me an upgraded $100 birthday gift card behaving like we just talked and everything is cool and dealt with and handled. Like nothing ever happened. It's designed to force me to connect with her and thank her for her vast generosity so she can start all of the trouble over again. I used the card but didn't respond at all. Even a text will send her hunting me again.
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I've never told anyone this for many reasons. For one my Mother is like 90 pounds and very femine. She is an absolute master of projecting her fake self image outward. If you dare challege her she'll drag you into a Dante's Inferno of lies and accusations.
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Well that is what I have on my first border. I have others. I have alot to say about them as well but I figured I might as well start at the begining.
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Thanks for listening.
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[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Eilzair, welcome to the forum.

I felt a lot of pain reading your post, and anger. Anger for the innocent child you were, who never deserved any of this.

My mother was also BPD, and alcoholic. Thankfully, my father and her were separated, so I was with her half time, one week with dad (who was... a good enough father, but also an alcoholic and he had an affective disorder, he loved BPD women and he needed off time... we weren't allowed to talk about what was happening at our mother's house, resulting in him always sending us back there to be abused more). My mother, a bit like yours, had some sadistic behavior. I have a memory of her pulling a tooth out that was not ready to be pulled. I still have nightmares about my teeth. She would use scraps I made from biking and hurt me with those, so it wouldn't show. She loved me scared and docile.

As I got older, she stopped drinking and the abuse gave place to a neglect. She didn't care about me at all. And this lasted until, you can guess it, until I had children. And then all of a sudden, I was her favorite daughter ! She just wanted access to my children, of course. I hoped, somehow, things would be different, and I do think she softened a bit with age, but the nicer she is in your face, the worst she gets behind your back. She is just impossible to trust.

All this to say: I get it. And many here will get it too. It is a safe haven here, where we are free to vent and share what is on our mind, free of judgment with kind souls who get it, at last.

So, welcome again. And thank you for sharing your story with us.

I understand your are currently no contact with your mother. I am no contact with mine too... Do you feel a pull toward her? Sometimes it seems that, despite me knowing rationally she is wrong and will only hurt me, I always end up second guessing me, thinking I can manage her, or maybe she isn't THAT bad, maybe it's just me, you know? I know, rationally, that this is just the trained habit of gaslighting myself, but still... I wonder if this will stop at some point.

I was also wondering if you are talking more with your sister, now that you are both adults?

[Eilzair]

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I can't say what my Sister's relationship with our Mother has been like other than to say that while I was forever labeled evil scum encarnate, my Sister was labeled the "loyal" one. I've barely spoken to either of them. I'm unable to diagnose my Sister because we don't have real talk and she'll never break character or accept or acknowledge that anything is out of place or abnormal.
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My niece however is definatly a border as she has had multiple young adult BPD issues including ex's, drugs, booze, car wrecks, unstable behavoir, including a pregnancy. As she is on the "good" side her issues were always quickly cleaned up with money and forgotten. They bought her a condo just to have a place to keep her and the new baby girl. Is she yet another in a long line of borders ? Time will tell.
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My maternal grandmother lived through the Great Depression and gave birth to upwards of a dozen children that only a handful survived to adulthood. She was a hitchhiker and a hoarder and lost her house after a small fire and the city found out about the inside of her house. They dispatched a semi sized garbage container to her house and had a Fire Truck on standby until they fully gutted it. My Mother and her surviving Sisters would take turns hosting her and when it was our turn my Mother would force her into the bathroom for an intense scrub session bath to get her clean. You can imagine the cringe of watching your mom fight your grandma in a soapy tub for an hour.
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I can only assume that my Mothers issues are a combination of genetics and her growing up in such disaray and poverty.
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I would say that my Sister and my Mother's relationship is some type of stabilizing connection. My Sister likely "spins her plates" if that makes any sence. This puts my Sister in a very powerful manipulating position to infulence Mom policy. Now how much of a victim my Sister is or how much control she has or how much she likes it is anyone's guess. Neither of them seem to have any interest in self reflection or changing anything.
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I chose to disengage.
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[Riv3rW0lf]

I chose to disengage.

It seems like a wise choice.

There is a video I watched a few months ago about relationships between BPD mothers and their daughters. It sounds like your sister and mother are deeply enmeshed. A lot of cases here of people who were scapegoated. It has perks... The golden child seems to stay stuck within the relationship far longer than the scapegoat child, who seems to, more often, long for something better and try to escape the family dynamics.

[Notwendy]

For one my Mother is like 90 pounds and very feminine. She is an absolute master of projecting her fake self image outward. If you dare challenge her she'll drag you into a Dante's Inferno of lies and accusations.

That could be my mother as well. Amazing that someone so petite could rule over a grown man ( my father ) and kids - even past our teen years when we grew taller than her.

Imagining a motive for your mother to contact you now- I would bet it's for your children. My BPD mother also showed little interest in me, but it's a social norm in her age group for grandparents to share their experiences with grandkids and so it is understandable she'd want this too. But I could not allow her to treat them the way she treated me. I don't blame you for feeling this way as well.

It sounds as if your mother didn't have much interest in being a mother to you. It's understandable you would want to disengage.

[Eilzair]

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No one was ever allowed inside of our home. No visitors, no kids, no friends, no installers, no neighbors, no one. I barely knew anyone, and no one knew me.
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When I was 14ish I moved into my paternal grandmothers home in a new town and I thought that I would be able to meet someone. I started trying to talk to people but almost instantly I ran into some bad girls at a nighttime social gathering. They were smoking meth and didn't appreciate some country  bumpkin shut in talking to them. They attacked me and broke my nose badly. I had to find my way to the hospital. They contacted my parents but I didn't get my nose fixed. They said they'd look into it. My nose was sitting on the side of my face. Finally after a week or so they took me to a really, really, old doctor that very agressively ripped my nose back to the front of my face after it was already freezing into the wrong shape. My nose was left twisted for over 25 years causing breathing problems, self image issues, confidence development etc. My parents refused to sue or even contact the school or authorites on my behalf or make any attempt to obtain any restitution. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. I knew that I wasn't worth much but I never fathomed how little they valued me.
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My parernal grandfather died around the same time and I always wondered if he would have let them abandon me so completely. My Father's Sister was busy robbing my Grandmother of every penny that was saved and planned for us grandkids. She obtained POA and emptied everything. At that point I was a little older so I got a Pizza job and set out on my own yet again.
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[Riv3rW0lf]

I knew that I wasn't worth much but I never fathomed how little they valued me.

So you learned from an early age that you weren't worth anything, and that your needs did not matter. You learned that only others needs mattered and learned to shut yours down to not disrupt too much and survive a very hostile environment...

This sentence shows part of you still believe that... That you weren't worth much. Do your self truly believe that though? That the young kid you were was not worth much?