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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Spouse behaviors, are we safe, is she?  (Read 161 times)
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2

« on: May 23, 2022, 11:59:48 PM »

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Hello, are we safe, is she safe? I am married for 2 years with my wife who has a good career, healthy habit (no drinking), and socially look very calm, zen, peacefull, in harmony with others.

Her actions since 2 years below: (I am worried for the upcoming week)

After 1 month living with her, she once took me aside holding me strongly by the arm, and told me to never talk about her ex again. I was so chock by it, but let that pass.

Here the rest of the event in chronological order:
She did overly yell and push or pintch (was not clear from where I was standing) both her kids (now 13 and 15) once a month for the first 3 months. I told her we don't do this in Quebec, please stop, and she did stop.

She scratch me in the car while we were having an argument (I was not yelling, her yes). When I told her she did she did not remember.

She told me once, she beat up her daughter related to a boyfriend story. She used her open hand she said to hit her everywhere... I told her again to not do that. It look like she never did again.

Note: she is also very affectuous with her kids, over average.

We got into an argument (me not yelling, her extremely) she slamed her room door 10 times strongly, while yelling, the whole door frame broke, (its a new house, it looked very odds).
She reparred it, than did it again 1 month after.

1 month after she hold me by my neck and head to stop me.from going out of her parked car. That felt really intruisive / abusive

2 month after she took a knife and went in her room menacing to kill herself, she than came downstairs, calmed down, than went back in the bathroom yelling like she was actually cutting herself with the knife (she did not). I called the police thinking she was dying. They called the crisis center with her, she did not have to go at the hospital at the end.

1-2 month, while i was with my kids  going out of the parking lot, she came running toward my car, hit it, I stopped, she took a bowl from my car, hit the car twice, and than throw the bowl at me. All that in front ofy kids.

1-2 months after, while I wanted to go drive around because.it was.tense, she threw me a food plate with ustencils, behind my head, in the living room. Again I was not yelling, I was arguing though, and wanted to leave the house for 1 hour.

1-2 month after In vacation, she hit my mouth with a cell phone, sort of trying to enter it in my mouth quikly (in public)

1 week after, while we were arguing, she jumped on me to close my mouth with her hand to stop me from talking.

1-2 months after she  hased me with her car, and tolde after she really wanted to crash her car im mine so we both die.

Than last week, we had a couple of days we were distant, were not able to connect. I wanted to sleep downstairs. She than came downstairs, and told me in a really shaky / tense, anxious, but calm way: "I want to hurt myself, I am going to kill you or me, I cannot endure you, I promess I will kill you or me, me or you will end dead, than she left upstairs. It was the second time she told me that she will kill her or me (the first time was more... light let say)
I called the crissis center, but than they called the police, and I had to insist that they forget what she told me, but that instead concentrate on the fact that she wanted to hurt herself. Finally, they are forcing her to see a psychologist 8 times at the crisis center (she went twice already)

She told me once without doing it, that she was thinking of entering a fork in her arm to remobe the veins, another time that she almost took my computer out of my hand to throw it on the wall. A couple of times that she wanted to destroy something.

We are seeing a couple therapist for 2 month (we just stopped). It still went that far. The crissis center told her next te she do that she will loose everything, that she was lucky I asked the police to ignore what she told me.

I am all mixed up now, like is it safe? She tlld me many times she would prefer to be dead (like once every 2 months for 2 years), she hit me a couple of time, and didndead threath.... how should Imanage where I live whilenwe separate with the mediator, and what about my kid (shared custody)


We.than both agreed to separate, but since 2 days, she accusing me of the whole stories, including her behavior, she ia very insulting too, sometimes, even if we did not spoke for a cpuple hours, she come to me with really big dilated pupils, and accuse me, put me down, she tey to provoque me.

Well to be honest, I still love her when I put all that asside, but I am at the point where I cannot live with her at the same place, now I wonder if we are safe living here while separating... should I just ask my ex to keep our kids until I am out of here, and should I go myself somewhere else instead of waiting to find somewhere to llive??

Now she say she is a victime, that I want to leave her.

Sorry for my english I speak french.

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2

« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2022, 02:27:11 AM »

... I red my post, so many typo, sorry, here is the short version.

Well briefly, I wonder if it is safe for me and my kids (from previois relation) to stay in the same house has my wife while separating.

Last week she did to me a dead threat that seemed for her the only solution for her to feel good, or to kill herself. She said in a mixe of tense, anxious calm way: " I want to hurt myself, I will kill you or me, there is one person who will be dead, you or me, that I promess you"

She did say that 2 weeks ago that she would kill me or her but in a more light way.

 In the past 2 years she once scratched me, took me by the throat, jump on me to cover my mouth so i dont talk, threw a food plate behind my head, hit me with a cell in my mouth publicly, chased me with her car and told me she wanted to crash in me so I die and she die, said she wanted to end her life about once a month or two, raised her fist to punch me, but finally did not (a couple of times), broke the frame of our bedroom door twice by slamming it 5 to 10 times. Lock herself in the bathroom with a knife yelling like she was cutting berself. Hit my car with a bowl in front of my kids while I was going out of our parking lot. When I went out of her car once, she immediatly accelerated the door not closed, almost hit me and my car in front of her while my kids were inside my car, than almost hit another car at the end of the road. Telling me she tought of taking a fork to remove her veins from her arm.

Once because I cutted my hair myself she took a pair of cisor and cutted super short her long hair, and threw them at me.

She told me once she hitted her daughter (12) with her open hand at many places because of a boyfriend story.
But she is very affectuous with her kids, and I never saw or heard she did that again. I told her to never do that actually.

Another thing that is just weird for me, is when she hold my cat, she press the cat on her so hard thst the cat miawl, and my kids tell her to just let the cat go.

So listing all this make me think she can be violent. While we are separating (before divorcing i guess) I wonder if it is safe to live under the same roof. Can she just really loose control?

Since 3 days that she knows I am serious about separating from her, she insult me, and look at me with killer eyes, she honestly look like she is in a full inside rage, with dilated pupils, and a look that change her completely. Her daughter look worry, she ask me today "where is my mom, she disappeared"
I am worry a lot for my wife too

Any advice, because I am looking to live or stay this week, and my kids are going back to their mom this Friday. It os so confusing, I wonder how bad the situation is and can be...

So hard thought, with all the deep love I have for her, so hard.

Sorry for my english, I speak french.

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 21

« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2022, 08:26:28 AM »

Hi. After reading what you listed, here are my thoughts.

You are being abused. No person needs to tolerate that kind of behavior. You and the kids safety are priority. Do not stay in a relationship in which she (borderliner) will continue to escalate events. Get out now and save yourself and the kids. I can tell you from experience, she probably has more attack plans in place. Its not worth the risk.

If you have not yet, please check with an attorney to know what legal standings you have. Abuse is abuse, threats are threats.
There are no limits on what borderliners can and will do. Please save yourself and the kids. 

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 8341

« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2022, 11:45:54 AM »

This would get more responses on the board that discusses spouses. No worries, a moderator can move it to that one.

I take it you are in Canada? Or another French speaking country? Your English is fine and very understandable.

What you are experiencing is domestic violence. It is potentially dangerous. In the US we have DV ( domestic violence) hotlines to call and other resources. One has to be careful about how to deal with this, and there needs to be professional guidance, a safe "escape plan". Calling 911 or the police may be necessary. However, in the US there's a danger of the man being accused but this isn't a reason to not seek help. But legal and professional advice is important. You will need to work with the resources your country has.

Posting here for advice and information helps, but also can not take the place of legal advice. You are not alone. There are others on this board here dealing with this. The trial between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard has also shed the spotlight on domestic abuse by women.

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 16901

You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...

« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2022, 05:06:03 PM »

Hi, what you have described are common behaviors with BPD.  It is important to understand  that without appropriate intervention - and her cooperation - her behaviors WILL get worse.  If you want to know what the future otherwise will look like, just look at the past two years.

Many people with BPD resist positive reinforcement.  They are likely to make it appear to be our fault, not theirs.  That is the purpose of the Blaming, Blame Shifting and Denials.

Because (1) the people most impacted by the poor behaviors are those closest to them and (2) the poor behaviors are vented in private conversations such as at home or in the car, you are fortunate that the authorities (the police and crisis center) believed you.

You have your own children and she has other children?

Sadly, unless she makes major improvements in her actions, volatile mood swings and more, the marriage will remain dysfunctional.  These changes would have to be more than quick promises, they would be long term changes in her perceptions and responses to her life and feelings, very hard for a person to accomplish.  It is vital for her to continue seeing her therapist.

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