Suddenly borderline sober?

[AlwaysMean]

 

I have to admit, that I am Super confused right now. I feel really on guard to see what happens next?

Over the past week and half, out of no where, it seems that I am the dramatic one as my BF is treating me like a significant other should. After nearly 3 years, we are in a random period of time where he is  sharing empathy, sympathy for me and it also sounds really genuine. The moving targets or push then pull has disappeared also. He wants to know what is that I should be doing instead of manipulating me to do what he is into.

What happened? Did a miracle happen one night? I have so many questions. Is he working up to something? Can BPD disappear just like that? Was he able to control his behavior the whole time?

The things that are going through my head at the moment is: Can I trust him? Where did my BPD BF go? It's like I don't even know who this person is? Could this be a case of reactive abuse? He knows that I am in place where all I know now is to defend my own words and emotions. So he tells me that I need to stop being the hostile one in the relationship.

Enjoying the peace but really concerned about what may be around the corner.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Always mean,

I’m glad to hear your bf is treating you better at the moment. It’s great to see that he has it in him. Unfortunately I’m sure bpd doesn’t just spontaneously disappear without the pwbpd seeing that they have a problem and putting in lots of work and therapy etc.

I would go forward with caution, don’t trust too much, have few expectations. Don’t be surprised if he literally denies tomorrow some of the things he said today. If it happens I wouldn’t bother arguing, just quietly try and calm yourself and remind yourself that arguing will only make things worse. This is for your own self-protection, to stop you getting so hurt if he suddenly turns.

Certainly, enjoy the “new” bf while you can. Continue to validate etc. You may have underestimated the effect your own work has had on him. My wife is, astonishingly, behaving much more sane than she has in years. And I know it is because of all the changes I have made, in taking back control over my own life. It sometimes seems a bit of a power play when she says things such as, “maybe you could invite your mum round that day”, or requests I play a song on the piano. Like she wants to retain a small amount of control, in knowing that I now do these things anyway, without her “permission”.

My wife still manifests as bpd, but it is less directed towards me and more towards the world in general, like suddenly shouting angrily because she can’t open a jar or something. It is a strange life for the children sometimes, but I know they feel much more safe since my relationship with my wife has improved and there is far less anger and shouting than before..

All the best.

[15years]

In my experience a pwBPD can put up a show and act like the stable one for a period of time. You say that it seems like you are the dramatic one now - I guessing that's quite satisfying for a pwBPD - to seem like the stable one.

It's a good thing that you're able to enjoy the peace.

[AlwaysMean]

If it happens I wouldn’t bother arguing, just quietly try and calm yourself and remind yourself that arguing will only make things worse.

Certainly, enjoy the “new” bf while you can. Continue to validate etc. You may have underestimated the effect your own work has had on him. My wife is, astonishingly, behaving much more sane than she has in years. And I know it is because of all the changes I have made, in taking back control over my own life. It sometimes seems a bit of a power play … that I now do these things anyway, without her “permission”.

Thankful Person,

Your words are just what I needed. When I worked on something with him the past it was never acknowledged and changes were made after a long string of denials.  So, I never had a chance to get confirmation of the direction we were heading in together. Your words make sense now as to why this might seem like an instant sobering. This was the result of work we put in together. And in that case I will continue to validate. No reason to back track, right?

I am so happy for you. You found your self again while also making room for her. Your story of hardwork is inspirational. Thank you for sharing your story and words.

I am still getting working on the giving myself permission thing.

[AlwaysMean]

In my experience a pwBPD can put up a show and act like the stable one for a period of time. You say that it seems like you are the dramatic one now - I guessing that's quite satisfying for a pwBPD - to seem like the stable one.

It's a good thing that you're able to enjoy the peace.

15years,

The idea of this being a "show" is a little uneasy but being truthful to myself the period of time thing I feel is right. We are making plans to move to my pwBPD parent's community which worries me. If things are getting better now, because of the environment we have created, then what is going to happen we go live in the community that taught him to control everyone or constantly be walked over and abondon? Lots to think about I guess.

I am sure he is enjoying the satisfaction of feeling he is the stable one. Kind of give me insight of the things I need to work from our past damage.

Peace is here. Yes, I will enjoy it. Thank you.

[thankful person]

Thankful Person,

Your words are just what I needed. When I worked on something with him the past it was never acknowledged and changes were made after a long string of denials.  So, I never had a chance to get confirmation of the direction we were heading in together. Your words make sense now as to why this might seem like an instant sobering. This was the result of work we put in together. And in that case I will continue to validate. No reason to back track, right?

I am so happy for you. You found your self again while also making room for her. Your story of hardwork is inspirational. Thank you for sharing your story and words.

I am still getting working on the giving myself permission thing.

Always mean, I am so happy to help and inspire if I can. I feel we have traveled this road together because your story of the control your bf had over you resonated with me so deeply, you nervous to leave the text conversation to go vote, me nervous to go anywhere without my wife’s permission. Things are still not perfect, of course I’d still like the children to see my parents more though they are still very small. But I’m going to see my parents on my own tomorrow. And that’s not even a big deal anymore.

[PearlsBefore]

Not to rain on the parade, but my dBPDw had a period like this in 2016; it wasn't completely inexplicable, it came about after she'd choked herself with a belt until she passed out (she hadn't fastened the belt to anything and was using her hands so the children and I just ignored her...really surreal to talk about it, but anyone living with a BPD long enough will learn what it's like. "Eh, it can't kill her, let's try active-ignoring or something"). Woke up a few minutes later freaking out and wetting herself because she had visions of Hell while out cold. Turned out the result was similar to a concussion in altering her personality temporarily where she suddenly became...human. Like unbelievably human. It was so vibrant and refreshing and miraculous.

After ten days, it wore off and the BPD returned.

Our daughter was conceived during those ten days, and I did remark at the time "I do believe that's the first time we've ever made love instead of just ****ed". Named the daughter "Grace" not entirely coincidentally. We both still refer to "those ten days" as inexplicable.

Never happened again.

[waverider]

pwBPD can put on a persona and big effort, often overcompensating, trying to prove something. The original idealisation and mirroring stage being a classic example, first weeks in a new job when appeasing everyone etc. This does however put a strain on them as it is not natural behaviour.

How does this affect you? Mainly because you see the sunshine, then when the clouds reappear then that momentary glimpse of the sunshine makes the clouds seem even darker...A bit like the good cop/bad cop scenario. Personalities dont change overnight, it is an evolution and accents of the old remain.

What you can do is reinforce positive reactions from you to this more respectable approach from them. This may encourage them to use this approach more often. Real or not, it makes your life more liveable

[lisasimpson]

I am fairly late to this post but wanted to chime in with my experience. Unfortunately with my exqBPD, the week she treated me the absolute best followed her secretly cheating on me. I remember telling her how loved and appreciated I had felt. She had stepped up on things I thought I would never get from her, small acts of intimacy and romantic gestures, etc. A few days later she admitted that she had been kissed by a man in the bar, from there the story crumbled into non sensical half truths. She spiraled from the guilt and discarded me within three weeks of the incident.

This was just my personal experience, it may not necessarily be yours! I would just watch out for any warning signs of a guilty conscience (i.e. acting shady about phone, being jumpy, odd behavior) Wishing the best for you.

[AlwaysMean]

I am fairly late to this post but wanted to chime in with my experience.

 I would just watch out for any warning signs of a guilty conscience (i.e. acting shady about phone, being jumpy, odd behavior) Wishing the best for you.

Thank you for the warning.

[AlwaysMean]

Not to rain on the parade, but my dBPDw had a period like this..

... she had visions of Hell while out cold. Turned out the result was similar to a concussion in altering her personality temporarily where she suddenly became...human. Like unbelievably human. It was so vibrant and refreshing and miraculous.

After ten days, it wore off and the BPD returned.

Thank you for your story. I have witnessed my pwBPD have these kind of visions and one time I even I woke up with scratches on me from him fighting off his vision.

 I am beginning to see the slip of being unreasonable here at there.

[AlwaysMean]

pwBPD can put on a persona and big effort, often overcompensating, trying to prove something. The original idealisation and mirroring stage being a classic example, first weeks in a new job when appeasing everyone etc. This does however put a strain on them as it is not natural behaviour.

...

What you can do is reinforce positive reactions from you to this more respectable approach from them. This may encourage them to use this approach more often. Real or not, it makes your life more liveable

Thank you for your advise. I will definitely keep trying to have a positive reaction. Obviously, I need more practice because sometimes he asks "Do you really mean that or are you enabling me?"

You are most likely right about the idealization phase being revisited. This week my pwBPD got the FLU and all his behaviors have come back.