I was in a whirlwind of a seven-month relationship that ended abruptly one week ago today. I’m a 39-year-old female and have had my share of relationships—some better than others by producing lasting friendships, but all basically respectful. I’ve also got a great job, supportive family and, though a bit of a bleeding heart, had never thought I’d be one to withstand repeated bouts of emotional abuse.
Well, that was then!
I want to say I’m kind but discerning. Though things moved fast with my now ex, i was struck time and again by his apparent sincerity and his acts of kindness, great and small. (I am now understanding BPDs are sincere in the moment and only in the moment.)
I only recently even learned about BPD as I tried desperately to explain how my otherwise amazing boyfriend could flip on a dime—subjecting me to verbal abuse I could hardly even imagine prior. It was cutting, targeted, and exploitative of vulnerabilities I had shared in trust. My efforts to calm, reach common ground, etc. couldn’t even be heard over his barrage. In several of our fights I was literally crouching on the floor, hands over my head—he would not stop.
I’m reading up more and am just shocked that such a condition even exists and wrestling with how I justified putting up with all I did (I had initially convinced myself that he was “dramatic” but would always come around).
I know enough now to also understand anyone with this condition suffers immensely. It doesn’t excuse all that he has done, but it is a truth I’m also trying to grapple with as I heal. Lastly, there’s been some tepid reach outs on his part so far—I’m worried that he will try to come back and wondering if I’ll have the wherewithal to hold steadfast if he does. Sincerely appreciate connecting with and learning from you all!
Welcome Blinded and welcome to the FAM.
I am happy you found us, but of course I am sorry for the circumstances that led you to seek us out.
It is good that you can see the big picture in understanding that you have a reason for his behavior, but it is not an excuse and his piss poor behaviors cannot be absolved. However, we have to be careful here about labels. for reference unless he is officially diagnosed we must stick to uBPD. The reason for this is that perhaps he does in fact have BPD, but it is also possible that he is comorbid or has a different illness altogether such as PTSD or cPTSD. With mental health disorders it gets tough because there can be a lot of overlap. So we just have to be careful because of the particular negative stigma attached to BPD.
Why are you worried he will come back? Why are you wondering if you will have the wherewithal to hold steadfast if he does? What doubts do you have about yourself? What is it that is leading you to having these thoughts or feelings?
Beyond that please do yourself a favor...Please be kind to YOU. Take care of yourself and I say this because it is often overlooked and taken for granted. Self-care matters. So definitely cut yourself some slack ok. S
happens. Control what you can control and let the universe handle the rest.
Please continue to vent, post, share as much as you are comfortable with, and feel free to ask as many questions as you want. This family will have your back and we are always listening.
Cheers and best wishes!
-SC-
