Emotional detachment experiences question

[WhatToDo47]

How long did it take to emotionally detach and was it a gradual or sudden thing? What was the catalyst?

[once removed]

all in all, about a year.

i was a mess, probably the biggest emotional mess ive ever been, for those first three months. it was after that that i arrived here.

at the time, i had not let go of hope of getting back together, while she was seeing someone else.

that part is a long story; a lot of drama that kind of kept me feeling "in it". there was a point that i discovered she was getting into my email. i tried, for a while, to get some belongings back. then, i discovered shed used my debit card, which i didnt know shed had. stealing is a big issue to me, and that was a gut punch. i cried like a baby. i knew there was no coming back from that. eventually, i gave up on trying to get my belongings, i changed my email password, i stopped looking at social media, and i closed the door.

then it got dark. in the short term, it was worse, in some ways, because i was finally letting myself grieve and feeling the loss, rather than white knuckling it day to day. over those next three months or so, it began to get better. apart from this site (thank god for it), i didnt have a very strong support system in my life, at the time. i felt really isolated. i think it would have been easier to cope on a daily basis had i had that, but in some ways, it kind of forced me to stand and support myself in ways id never done before.

after those first six months, it got a lot easier, but i developed a sort of gnawing anger, a desire for "justice", that was hard not to fixate on. it was a better place to be, for sure, but it was kind of consuming. i did a lot of creative writing. that helped to vent it, and it helped me feel like id said my piece.

she was a pretty distant thought after that first year. life was normal. i was ready to see other people. in retrospect, i made some odd (for me) and downright bad choices. i was also approaching dating from a pretty needy, and fearful place. so when these relationships inevitably flickered out, i took it disproportionately badly. it sort of forced me to examine myself a little bit more closely. by that point, i was somewhere between 2-3 years out. i came back here to do that work, examine myself more closely. i would say that that was the real recovery. but to detach and really move on from the relationship? about a year.

[finallyout]

I am also interested to know how much did it take for those how could detach to finally feel normal again. I am currently 5 months out of the relationship and feeling a bit better. My fears are now under control, but I still feel deep sadness. Tomorrow I have to go to my old apartment to pick up my stuff and I feel terrible about it. I don't want to see that place again, where I suffered badly and yet sometimes miss.

Wish me Luck please, because I need it the most tomorrow

[2020]

I will wish you luck. I am seven weeks out right now. Not having the best of days today. The police called yesterday wanting to know where my (ex)partner was. She has to face court in September after her destructive final exit from this home. Both my son and I have a subpoena now to give evidence. It is the police v her. I am still trying to wrap my head around it all. All her belongings are here and I have to see them everyday, and the destroyed caravan we bought together in the front yard.

I can fully understand how hard it is to face the remnants of the past relationship. I am wondering… will your ex be there? Is there perhaps some friend who can go with you when you retrieve your belongings? Maybe some support would be good. Again, good luck!

[finallyout]

I can fully understand how hard it is to face the remnants of the past relationship. I am wondering… will your ex be there? Is there perhaps some friend who can go with you when you retrieve your belongings? Maybe some support would be good. Again, good luck!

Thanks 2020 for wishing me luck. I am also having a bad day because of tomorrow.

She does not allow anyone from my family or friends to  enter the apartment. Except me and the moving company, nobody is allowed in. I believe she did that just to make it harder for me to take my belongings. Even I was very close to just abandon all my stuff but the problem I have some things there which are very dear to my heart like my books and projects.

I can understand your struggle. It must be very hard to have her stuff around because they keep reminding you of her, the good and the bad her. Best wishes to you as well my friend.

[Rev]

That depends on what you mean by detach exactly.

Detaching from her as in wanting to remain with her. Immediate. I am a domestic abuse victim.

Work through the effects of the abuse? Two years. PTSD surfaced two years later and I did some trauma counselling. Been fine ever since.

Rev

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you all for your helpful replies. It helps to read each journey as I can relate so much and it makes me feel not so alone and encourages me not to give up on healing and detaching.

I can relate to each and every thing posted above.

I am now 8.5 months since she left me, cheated, raged, etc. It's all in my earlier posts.

Rev, any tips on getting over the PTSD? I definitely have it and find my heart racing, shaking, and so many nightmares and flashbacks when someone even mentions here, or for certain locations, ringtones, words, etc. I am making alot of progress with the help of my amazing T and family, but I know you'll have some great insight, too.

You are right, we are all victims of domestic abuse and we have to remember that and be kind to ourselves.

My ex also was weird about property, etc. She drew out the divorce way too long for no logical reason, and left a bunch of her things when she came to get her stuff, things of sentimental value to her and to us. I think it's a hook so that when the dust from the divorce has settled and her new fantasy life falls apart (which it will and is already starting to), she'll have an excuse to try to recycle me.

[WhatToDo47]

all in all, about a year.

i was a mess, probably the biggest emotional mess ive ever been, for those first three months. it was after that that i arrived here.

at the time, i had not let go of hope of getting back together, while she was seeing someone else.

that part is a long story; a lot of drama that kind of kept me feeling "in it". there was a point that i discovered she was getting into my email. i tried, for a while, to get some belongings back. then, i discovered shed used my debit card, which i didnt know shed had. stealing is a big issue to me, and that was a gut punch. i cried like a baby. i knew there was no coming back from that. eventually, i gave up on trying to get my belongings, i changed my email password, i stopped looking at social media, and i closed the door.

then it got dark. in the short term, it was worse, in some ways, because i was finally letting myself grieve and feeling the loss, rather than white knuckling it day to day. over those next three months or so, it began to get better. apart from this site (thank god for it), i didnt have a very strong support system in my life, at the time. i felt really isolated. i think it would have been easier to cope on a daily basis had i had that, but in some ways, it kind of forced me to stand and support myself in ways id never done before.

after those first six months, it got a lot easier, but i developed a sort of gnawing anger, a desire for "justice", that was hard not to fixate on. it was a better place to be, for sure, but it was kind of consuming. i did a lot of creative writing. that helped to vent it, and it helped me feel like id said my piece.

she was a pretty distant thought after that first year. life was normal. i was ready to see other people. in retrospect, i made some odd (for me) and downright bad choices. i was also approaching dating from a pretty needy, and fearful place. so when these relationships inevitably flickered out, i took it disproportionately badly. it sort of forced me to examine myself a little bit more closely. by that point, i was somewhere between 2-3 years out. i came back here to do that work, examine myself more closely. i would say that that was the real recovery. but to detach and really move on from the relationship? about a year.

Thank you especially for this. I always find it extra helpful to hear the stories and experiences of the board administrators and moderators. You are all seasoned veterans at detaching and healing and I value your insight alot.

As it gets closer to a year since she left, I do find myself starting to really move on.