Words from my BPD partner

[T0M]

Hello all,

I thought it might be nice to share some words from my BPD (non-diagnosed but in therapy) partner. Words she wrote to me after she went in to a crisis and vented this in a completely wrong way to me. (Shouting that I needed to leave, and should never come back, that she was going to take all the pills in the house...).

I thought her words might give you some insight in the mind of a BPD person.

This is what she wrote:

I'm so mad at myself. I feel everything so intense, everything multiplied by a 1000. It is like having to swim every minute of every day, and sometimes you get so tired, so immensely drained that you get pulled under. And when you are under water, when you are drowning, nothing is rational anymore. Only panic exists. A primal instinct to survive takes over. My insulting words are my arms and legs that need to get me out of the water. But the more I kick and try, the deeper I sink.
I'm screaming for help but I see you are leaving. Stepping back from the shore. Leaving me to drown. So I yell harder, not realizing the harder I scream the more I scare you.  You walk away, not willing to step in the water with me. The only person who I care about is leaving me. Is giving up. So I also give up. Now I want to sink to the bottom of the ocean. I surrender. My arms and legs stop moving and I reach the cold dark ocean-floor. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around my legs accepting what is coming.
Slowly I start realizing I'm not drowning. But when I open my eyes, you are still away. So what is the point. I did not drown. At least, not this time.

It still gets me in tears.
Hopefully I have the strength next time to see past her 'words', to pull her back to safety.

(ps. It is translated from Dutch)

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[waverider]

My pwBPD is much the same and could have written this. Even though she is not very good at explaining day to day things she can be very expressive when writing poetically about dark emotions. BPD art is much the same, extremely emotive and depressing.

While very emotive, it is the mind of someone who is very good at painting themselves as a hopeless victim, someone who has developed the fine art of tripping the switch in "rescuers". I have heard these types of words many many times, but they are devoid of "and this is what I am going to do about it". It is still a well marketed Woe is me / its not my fault / you should fix it.. There is little sign of self help, and you cant help someone who wont even attempt to help themselves. No attempt to "swim to the shore", just a call for you to "jump into the water", in this example.

That's exactly what we do, continually jump into the madness until we are in trouble too.

Eloquent egocentric victimhood if you like. Sounds harsh I know

[thankful person]

Tom, thanks for sharing this. It is very beautiful writing and poetic and reminded me of Sylvia Plath. Has your partner heard of bpd? I’m not suggesting you mention it as I understand it is not advised. But as she seems quite self aware that she has mental health problems, a diagnosis may actually help her. My wife is one of those who rarely shares such vulnerabilities or expresses any shame, or apologises for anything. But I know that she is scared and feels alone at times and she has very rarely admitted that she has treated me badly and that she shouldn’t have taken things out on me. I cling onto these admissions because it helps me to remember. Once I saved (typed out) something she said on my phone and I can’t find it, I swear she has deleted it. She is that scared that she doesn’t want me to remember her admitting fault and apologising.
Reading waverider’s response reminded me of how, during my first year with my wife, I was actually driven to suggest a joint suicide plan. I guess she well and truly pulled me under the water with her.

[T0M]

My pwBPD is much the same and could have written this. Even though she is not very good at explaining day to day things she can be very expressive when writing poetically about dark emotions. BPD art is much the same, extremely emotive and depressing.

While very emotive, it is the mind of someone who is very good at painting themselves as a hopeless victim, someone who has developed the fine art of tripping the switch in "rescuers". I have heard these types of words many many times, but they are devoid of "and this is what I am going to do about it". It is still a well marketed Woe is me / its not my fault / you should fix it.. There is little sign of self help, and you cant help someone who wont even attempt to help themselves. No attempt to "swim to the shore", just a call for you to "jump into the water", in this example.

That's exactly what we do, continually jump into the madness until we are in trouble too.

Eloquent egocentric victimhood if you like. Sounds harsh I know

I get what you are saying.
But besides of the poem she wrote, she also said that it was not ok what she did. And apologized. Thoroughly.  But I know this will happen again.
She is now doing EMDR therapy. To deal with her traumas. She thinks those are responsible for her mental issues. Bu I can not say to her what I think. What is so obvious. The strange thing is that she is a Therapist herself. But she never mentioned BPD. Only PTSD.

[T0M]

Reading waverider’s response reminded me of how, during my first year with my wife, I was actually driven to suggest a joint suicide plan. I guess she well and truly pulled me under the water with her.

I believe I'm strong enough for both of us to get us out of the water - for now. But I realize that the day will come that I drown with her, or that I walk away. For good.
The only thing that can help us, is if a professional teaches her how to swim properly. But as mentioned above, she never mentions she might have BPD. And also I believe, I can not tell her. I don't want to be the one disrupted her life with this label. It can not be me.

[60av8tor]

Reading waverider’s response reminded me of how, during my first year with my wife, I was actually driven to suggest a joint suicide plan. I guess she well and truly pulled me under the water with her.

Holy cow!  Indicative of how truly enmeshed, addictive, and toxic these relationships can be - due to issues and needs of both parties. I was pretty close to that level in just a few years. Shockingly sad looking back…

[waverider]

. But she never mentioned BPD. Only PTSD.

My wife was accepting of BPD but now has converted it to PTSD,  this is easier for her as PTSD is easier to blame on someone, or some event, in her past, which is more palatable. Problem is the origin of this constantly changes, the blame shifts.  Its her Mum, its early workplace bullying, abandonment by her family, or a toxic ongoing sexual relationship she had with her first psychologist when she was younger. Biggest obvious difference between BPD and PTSD is that BPD has a more pronounced abandonment component.

[waverider]

Just one more comment I will throw in is that being rescued is very validating. I mean that in an active tense, not to be rescued as in job done, now lets get on with life. Its the process of being rescued, this is why many will then go jump back in the water and repeat the whole process all over again. It validates victimhood, which has become their whole identity, without this they feel like nobody, their identity stripped away. Its a consequence of a lifetime of this way of thinking, all else is alien and frightening. Trapped in  a never ending cycle of rinse repeat, a truly horrible existence

[Hope4Joy]

Thank you for sharing.