I had a fling, and now I don't know what to think

[MaxV]

Ok, so I (25) met this girl (32) on Tinder a month ago, we went out and next two weeks were incredible and very romantic. She’s telling me I am hot, and that she wants someone “normal” (probably not abusive or whatever). However, we didn’t even have sex, every time I tried to initiate, she just froze (apart from the first day when she just smiled and told me I need to wait for it), but we kissed, cuddled, spooned, slept together all the time. We had a lot of things in common, liked same music and our families even have a cabin on the same street in the same village not far from here.

She always talked about how she lived through some tough times, she was verbally and physically abused by her father, her exes raped her and stole from her, she tried to kill herself with pills, had an abortion, and that she has BPD. She was afraid that I’ll leave her due to telling her on the first date that I get bored with relationships easily. After second week she’s starting talking about how she’s old, forever lonely, have no money, and that she should end it. I started to be very emphatic, I wanted to help this woman. I was always really attentive to her, listening to her problems, buying her food and sunglasses for her birthday (yea, what a goddamn fool, I know). Once she almost kicked me out of her apartment due to some very small argument and when I was leaving, she got sad and didn’t want me to go so I stayed.

I told her that she deserves to be happy and not lonely and she started to pull away from me after that day. Not initiating texting anymore, only replying, ignoring my romantic messages. I called her during this asking to meet, she refused, said she’s not in the mood for me, I said “Ok then, bye” thinking she doesn’t want to talk but she was silent like SHE DIDN’T WANT ME TO END THE CALL BUT WAS UNABLE TO SAY SOMETHING (help me understand this), we talked for another 30 minutes about her not being capable of too much affection and that I should not expect something from this. We met one more time exactly two weeks ago, she was exhausted and sad but still held me as strong as she could in her bed, almost smothered me. And when I went home, she initiated two passionate kisses before I left. (WHY tho?) After that she didn’t initiate contact for a week until two days ago, when she told me she’s trying really hard for the last week to contact me but she just couldn’t. She said she has really tough month. I replied that we could meet and talk about it, and she said that she couldn’t even contact me, let alone meet with me, she’s not sure if she wants to be alone or not, not sure if she wants to date someone.

I was kinda fed up at that moment so I told her that I won’t impose myself on her, I enjoyed my moments with her and wish her luck, happiness and peace. She didn’t even respond to that message. (Maybe because BPD women hate abandonment?) She has her Instagram profile back on her Tinder (had it removed when she was dating me). So she’s immediately back in the game. And didn’t even respond to my “goodbye” (kinda) message.

I mean what is this? Can you please shed some light on this? I did read something about BPD and dating but all of these things are about long relationships and emotionally destroyed non BPD partners. I am not emotionally pining for her (maybe because I had my fair share of heartbreaks and am emotionally numb), but will she charm or revalue me (at least for a while) if I gave her so much attention and if she has BPD? Now, this is going to sound funny but I want to at least have sex with her one time (she’s really my type and I feel absolutely incomplete after this short fling without sex) before I’ll move on because now, I feel like a proper failure. And why she didn’t respond to my “goodbye” message? She must have felt relieved when I ended it and spared her the effort, no?

This is really messy post, I know, I just hope you can shed some clarity at least on some of these things. Like I want to learn more about this, about her being unable to communicate and so on.

 And sorry for my English, it’s not my first language.

[60av8tor]

Now, this is going to sound funny but I want to at least have sex with her one time (she’s really my type and I feel absolutely incomplete after this short fling without sex) before I’ll move on because now, I feel like a proper failure.

No, not funny at all.

Harsh, but honest response. You’re young and the quote above - the words you wrote - are garbage. This site isn’t to help people that want a hookup off of tinder - literally what you’re trying to do before you can “move on”.

Yes this woman shows signs of BPD - immediate intimacy, over sharing of trauma, etc. It would be one thing if you knew her even in the slightest and got caught up in the caregiver mess that many of us do - I’d still recommend walking away quickly - but seriously man, you’re asking how to hook up with her before you walk away. Come on…

[MaxV]

I know it's garbage, thing is I don't even know what I want, my feelings change literally by hour. Maybe I just say to myself I want sex with her because then I don't need to admit that I miss her. I am just so confused right now by my feelings. I am sorry.

[60av8tor]

I know it's garbage, thing is I don't even know what I want, my feelings change literally by hour. Maybe I just say to myself I want sex with her because then I don't need to admit that I miss her. I am just so confused right now by my feelings. I am sorry.

Nothing wrong with wanting a fling - if you both understand that’s what it is. I’m just trying to get you to understand that this site probably isn’t the place to come asking for hookup advice from a tinder match.

This illness devastates people and families, and it could possibly be a little bit lost in translation, but people come here desperately wanting to save marriages and family relationships after decades of struggles - like life alternating events. Wanting to hook up with someone you just met..? Wrong place

[drumdog4M]

I agree that this is not the right venue for this post. Consider yourself lucky you did not get entangled in a serious relationship with this person. Most of us did and suffered immensely. Please take what you learned about the disorder and protect yourself. I'm sorry your ego is a bit wounded, but you are fortunate your life was not destroyed.

[kells76]

Hi MaxV and welcome to our site that helps people learn more about BPD and the traits associated with it. I see you asking some questions about her behavior and wondering whether it's BPD or not. While we can't diagnose people from afar or without being professionals, often there are many common traits and behaviors that can be described by that label. Check out this post:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

and keep us in the loop on your thoughts on what you take away from that article.

Cheers;

kells76

[NotAHero]

I agree that this is not the right venue for this post. Consider yourself lucky you did not get entangled in a serious relationship with this person. Most of us did and suffered immensely. Please take what you learned about the disorder and protect yourself. I'm sorry your ego is a bit wounded, but you are fortunate your life was not destroyed.

 I could see how hard it would be for a young fella to grasp the extent of pain and devastation that the disorder can bring.

[once removed]

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[Biggus]

Now, this is going to sound funny but I want to at least have sex with her one time (she’s really my type and I feel absolutely incomplete after this short fling without sex) before I’ll move on because now, I feel like a proper failure.

Hi Max. I think you must mean she's your type physically and she appears desirable to you. But is she really your type all the way?

You're a young man and your dick wants to go places, but primarily think with your head, feel with your heart and make decisions listening to the latter two. There's an old "men's" advice, "Do not stick your dick in crazy." While it sounds harsh and unapologetic, it's a relatively healthy advice. The reasoning behind is, if you find someone really difficult to deal with, you should stay away for your own sake, and most likely to that person's sake as well. Oftentimes, having sex with someone takes the relationship to the next level. With so many conflicting thoughts you're having, do you really want to be in the next level? My advice: have sex with people you can tell are okay with it, and will be okay with it.

Some questions you might want to ask from yourself:
- In whose eyes you feel like a failure if you don't have sex with her? Yours? Hers? Your parents? Are there Twitch followers who follow your dating life?
- Why do you need this kind of validation? Could you feel enough to yourself as who you are as yourself only?

Sex is more enjoyable, when it's sharing, not a prize.

[SinisterComplex]

I know it's garbage, thing is I don't even know what I want, my feelings change literally by hour. Maybe I just say to myself I want sex with her because then I don't need to admit that I miss her. I am just so confused right now by my feelings. I am sorry.

So Max I am not going to focus on what you were focusing on. Instead I am going to ask you...why are you sorry? What are you confused about? What do you want to learn about?

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-