My BPDw thinks I should be more emotional. Should I?

[WhoaBaby]

Some time during our couples therapy it came out that I don't get very emotional in our discussions, fights, etc. My BPDw has lately focused on this as something I need to fix. The therapist doesn't disagree with her. While I also agree with this to a point, there are a few reasons why I hold back in the relationship, besides my own baggage and fears. 1. My BPDw used to LIKE me this way. I am the strong steady one, so she can be the unstable one and have someone to lean on. I became the caretaker, which isn't a good thing. 2. I'm this way partly in response to her extreme emotional displays, since she can go from 0-100 into anger or crisis in nothing flat and it scares me. It is partially a coping mechanism so I don't flip out with her, or react at her level in anger. I think she should thank me, frankly. 3. She has changed her mind though, and now wants to make sure I am working on feelings in my therapy, seeing it as a roadblock to our couples work. 4. Since she tries constantly to drag me into her crises, maybe this is my way for me to keep a little distance and stay sane, and it is my armor against being too vulnerable to attack and pain. Does anyone out there have a suggestion about this for me and us? I too feel like I am too emotionally numb after 30 years of being on our BP treadmill. But I'm scared to open up any more than I have with her.

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[Cat Familiar]

Trust in a relationship is a necessity for sharing vulnerability. It sounds like you don’t have a history of her being trustworthy and as a result are reluctant to be more expressive of your emotions.

Some of us just aren’t that emotional. I’ve been criticized for being too unemotional, but that’s just who I am. I have emotions but I’d rather not be overly expressive because my emotions are personal, and don’t need an audience.

I think BPD partners are somewhat embarrassed by their lack of emotional control at times and having a strong and steady partner is comforting, but at the same time, shaming to them, due to their inability to self-regulate.

Perhaps you could be a bit more expressive of your true feelings. I found that I’m now more open with my husband about expressing dissatisfaction, and thereby he’s not so eager to know more about my feelings.  

[FirstSteps]

I've gone through this same process.  I went from talking a lot when we first started to being my quiet, steady self during years of real crisis when our kids were small and she couldn't function.  Now she's frustrated that I don't have four new revelations a day about our relationship that I want to share for hours. 

I'm coming to accept that this is all about her, not me.  I do actually want to share my feelings more as I'm seeing a pattern of being shut down in my FOO and my relationships.  I don't want to have that relationship with my kids (I don't currently but I'm still scared). 

So I'm going to work on this for myself, and I think the results will be totally unpredictable.  We're close to separation so me sharing negative feelings could push her over the edge.  But it could also be validating in a way.

[WhoaBaby]

[quote author=Cat Familiar
Perhaps you could be a bit more expressive of your true feelings. I found that I’m now more open with my husband about expressing dissatisfaction, and thereby he’s not so eager to know more about my feelings.  

Good advice, Cat. I think I do that more now, esp since the BPD is in the open (but still a touchy subject). I also find myself reassessing the relationship. Ideally to me, a marriage should be a safe and loving place, and I felt that when we were first dating and newly married. But now I believe I was in an extended love bomb idealization relationship, that morphed into the toxic BPD form later. Expressing my feelings of loss and betrayal now are not likely to be well received. Couples therapy may not be able to fix this either, I'm starting to think. How to express those feelings?

[waverider]

An unemotional partner for a pwBPD causes them 2 major problems,

The first is their inherent paranoia, if they can't get you to drop your defences and to a degree self control you dont expose what you really feel. They are looking for potential blame/criticizing of them. What they consider hidden threats.

Secondly they are stuck with their issues, one way off loading them is to project them onto someone else, it is hard to write their dramas into a book that wont open.

They find it all very invalidating. You will never really solve this aspect as their need for validation exceeds your ability to honestly provide it.

Why do we shut down with pwBPD? because we learn that by exposing yourself it can be twisted, thrown back in some way or other, and it is a risk not worth taking. Especially when you realize that by doing so it never seems to make a difference in the long run, so we shut down. The problem of course is it just builds up and compounds in our own heads until one day it just breaks forth in an over the top way, which is totally destructive and we hate ourselves for this sudden loss of control.

So you have to leak at least a bit of it out in a controlled way so the pressure doesn't build