LDR and Ghosting

[mfdlv321]

Hello everyone. Since this is my first post, and my mother tongue is not English, I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. ( I’ m using Google translate.) I'm from an Asian country and studying in France.
Now I am very confused and feel depressed and sad every day. What I want to talk about is my online girlfriend (ex).

I and she met on a language exchange site. It's been a year since we got to know each other, but I haven't actually met her yet because of covid and our studying. It's a long-distance relationship (Paris-Bruxelle)

More on that later, but in a nutshell, just a month and a half ago (4/18) she started ignoring my message. I read the message but don't reply. (ghosting?) So there is no Closure.
I panicked and begged for two and a half weeks, saying "stop ignoring", "what happened", "please reply" , "say clearly if you found someone and if you didn't love me anymore", "please reconcile" And sent a lot of apologies, anger and begging messages. ( "if i did something to you", sorry / "your behavior is very impolite, I'm done!" "I know that you are lying me and blocked me" (because she pretended she left social media),  "I know you are cheating me" etc
I regret it now for my behavior. I was creepy and needy.
Now, after my message "Come back Babe. don't ghost anymore, I don't understand at all" , It's been four weeks  (7 weeks since I have been ignored)
I arrived at this site while investigating her behavior such as Ghosting and her Avoidant. (Unfortunately in French they didn't have a lively discussion about BPD, NPD or Avoidant and I couldn't find such a great site.) And her behavior is like Avoidant, NPD and BPD.  But I think she might be a Catfish too. (We have never called each other.)
What makes the situation even more difficult is that our relationship is, after all, Virtual and LDR.

Snapchat and Instagram were blocked in January. After Snapchat, when I asked on Instagram to unblock because I'm sad, it was read and ignored, and Instagram was also blocked. However, Whatsapp was not blocked after that, and the exchanges on WhatsApp continued. However, it started to be ignored from the middle of April and continues to this day.

Do you think she will contact me again from your experience? And  if I can get her back, what should i do? If she is a BPD or Avoidant, is No contact valid? It's been 1.5 months since the day I ignored it, and I'm very worried. Recently she deleted her Instagram account. Also, WhatsApp does not go online. It's the first time she hasn't contacted me for more than a month.


Today 6/6 I saw her Instagram resurrected. But I saw it blocking one of my two fake accounts. I was using this one for see accounts which have similar names to her account and her followers' accounts. This blocked account's name is a little similar my original account. Did she was aware about my fake account? If so, how did she notice? I don't think I've seen the story. she dislike me completely?

The following are the details. It's too long, so you can skip it.

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[mfdlv321]

Details

We met at a language exchange site (April last year). She was the first to send me a message. After that, in a typical Love-Bombing, after exchanging photos and voice messages with each other, she said that I was a very her type and we exchanged messages on a daily basis. About three months later, I started dating with her. Of course I suggested meeting her soon. She always agrees, but due to Covid's and my exam,  it didn't happen. Also she said always she was busy. Once, I couldn't reply to her for hours. At that time she sent many messages. Also, when I started dating, she asked me to tell her when I met someone else. In August, she suggested that I create a Snapchat account. (We were talking via WhatsApp ). Because it's convenient for sending photos and snapshots. She began to change at the end of August. There was a time when I didn't get a reply for about 5 days in August. I sent a message asking her to reply to what's happening, with WhatsApp and Snapchat. When she finally replied, she said she was busy preparing for school in September. (she said about admission when I first met with her.)

And in September, the reply was obviously delayed. I started getting replies every 5 days or a week (10 days in the worst case) and I immediately told her that anything over a week was too long. she said that she'll tried hard, but now has too much to do and it's difficult. And  when she was tired, she didn't want to reply. After all, she never changed until the end. A feature of her reply was to make the message no-read until she replied. Our subject after that has always been this. Every time she didn't return for a week, I panicked and told her I was very worried and i asked if something happened, and a few days later she always returned with Heeeyyy as if nothing had happened. That continued until this ghosting happened.

She never sent a message on the anniversary for the couple. Even if it's Christmas or Valentine's Day. Around November, I started to wonder if she was talking to someone else. Actually, I noticed that the snap score started to rise sharply around this time. Especially on anniversaries such as Christmas, it sometimes went up more than 1000 in a day. Of course for me I have no reply.

In January, a decisive incident will occur. I sent a New Year's message like a normal couple and she replied. And I answered that too. However, there is no reply after more than a week. And even after 10 days, I didn't get a reply. I thought something was wrong and sent messages from all the contacts I could think of. No reply. A few days later, strangely, I got a group call from a strange number. And she was among them. The people in the group seemed to have no connection at all. I thought it was her friend, but there was an old man on the list.

I immediately sent a message to her without picking up the phone. are you calling me? Did you mistake me for someone?

Her answer was Non non. And I lost contact again. A week later, I decided to send a message from all the contacts, as well as from the language exchange site we met. And I saw she's changing her profile picture = she was active.

When I was thinking of giving up, I received a reply at the end of the month.

She said had a lot of trouble and had didn't want to respond.
(She seemed to have been fired from her internship.) She also said that we were far away, religious differences (she is a Muslim and I am non-religious), and she was concerned about her parents. But i was told something like we will see where we arrive, she also said we keep in touch. I didn't want to break up with her, so I managed to convince her and decided to continue for the time being. After a week, I took the plunge and faced her asking her to tell me directly if anyone else was there. Then she started to get irritated, and she said that she was a direct person, but didn't like this question. And there was no reply for about 10 days. During being disregarded, I continued to apologize. I thought my question made her angry.

I sent messages on WhatsApp, Snapchat and Instagram. She continued to publishe the story on Snapchat. And I saw the snap score keep rising sharply every day. I sent voice messages and photos, but she eventually blocked me on Snapchat. I told her to unblock me by WhatsApp and Instagram, but a few days later she heartlessly blocked me on Instagram after seeing my message. A few days later, from WhatsApp she said me she didn't block me. she said she was just away from Social media. However, when I checked it with another account, she had did not disable it. She lied.
Around this time, she often blame me. Whenever she doesn't reply to me, I panic and continue to apologize. i was told that she doesn't like I apologize although I'm not worse and also dislike what i ask if she has anyone else or if I can actually meet her.

I think it was around the end of February, but she said she had something to ask me but didn't dare to ask. i said I don't care, ask me anything. but she tried to change the subject . I said "don't hide it, because we are a couple". so she asked me if i knew a site called Shien.  i replied that i had seen in an ad . She explained that there is the sale and she has clothes she wants to buy but now she was not yet paid this month so she wants to borrow 130 euros from me . She added after all "but don't mind".
I told her I couldn't lend money to someone I hadn't actually met yet. she said "I told you not to worry, hahaha." I thought it was strange, but I hesitated to ask.

[mfdlv321]

And April, her birthday has arrived. I sent a message that i love you. She said she was really happy and replied i" love you too". However, after that, there was no reply for about 10 days. I was worried, and begging for a reply many times. Then she came back. She said there was something wrong with WhatsApp and told me she couldn't see the message and she couldn't reply. (Actually she was hardly online.)And "don't panic, don't worry. If i didn't return, i was just too tired or my cell phone wasn't working" so she laughed as usual.
I was relieved and a little frustrated. I'm always sad and anxious because of her, but she doesn't care.
"stupide! I always worry too too much about you ! I'm so relieved.  i want to hug you now.
We must marry  hahaha
please never disappear, you are my love indispensable so when you are absent, I'm so sad." i said.

Two days later I sent her "my love, if you have a time, try to listen my voice messages. I speak in (my language) (because she wanted it)"
She left her read, but she didn't reply. I thought she was tired. Five days later, I decided to send another message. "What happened? I'm worried". She read the message, but she doesn't reply. I had a bad feeling. Obviously it was different from usual behavior. She definitely ignored me. And that day she was often online. actually, in April, I suggested to her to practice Ramadan with her. because I wanted to regain her interest by working on something in common.

I got angry.   it was me who suggested for maintain this relationship. But although i struggled  and every day with hunger, and for her, i refused invitations of my friend,  she brutally ignored me. i sent "I'm willing to do something for you, but if you ignore me, I'm sad and unmotivated. for you, I endure the pain  but if you neglect me Then that looks like an idiot. So I'll stop Ramadan. I'm sorry. "

She read immediately and ignored it again.

And she changed the profile picture of WhatsApp. I panic and asked for a reply, and "if you want to break up, say it clearly." I begged many times. After all, she remained no-read that day. A few days later I sent a message. " I'm sorry before this. I was frustrated. But can you tell me what happened?" Left on read. I sent another message a few days later. "What happened? Please don't ignore it. I'm really sad". --Ignored.

I got mad and sent a lot of messages. "Your attitude is very rude. I'm. fed up" "Did you find anyone else, right? If you want to leave me, say it clearly."
I quickly deleted these messages, but I think she has probably looked at notifications.

I was in sadness, anger, and depression. A week later I sent a message, but I got read and no response. "I know you're talking to another guy. I know you're blocking me on Instagram, but I'll forgive you." (I erased it later) "Come back. I want to make up. I want to continue with you. I still love you. But if you're not the same, I'll respect your feelings. So can you tell me what you want to do? I'm waiting for you." -- ignored.

I still kept sending. Now she left unread to my message "Dearing come back, Don't ghost anymore. I don't understand at all."
However, I was relieved somewhere. Unread is because it was her usual way. From that day I started No contact. five weeks are about to pass today.

Actually, about 10 days ago, searching by the name of her account, I blocked another account on Instagram that looked a lot like her account. A few hours later she deleted the original (? Which was blocking me) account.
Is this just a coincidence? Is she wary of me? is it overthinking?

I don't know what to do. She looks like an NPD, a BPD, and just an Avoidant. ( She said she feel bad when she didn't reply to me before),

I'm definitely anxious. If anything, I was more passionate for this relationship than her, It was me who was saying"i love you and we will marry" every time.  Did I just overwhelm her?

What should I do? Seven weeks have passed since she started ignoring, and five weeks have passed since she started NC. To be honest, i wants to start over with her if i still have a chance. my unread messages are left now on Whatsapp. I'd like to send another message again, but I'm afraid that it will be blocked and I can't. I'm also curious about Instagram. Is it my fault that she deleted her Instagram account? Did I kill the chance? (She said she uses Snapchat primarily.) But why didn't she block WhatsApp? She has rarely been online on WhatsApp since she disabled it on Instagram (i know it's creepy for stalking ..). Should I send an additional message? (If so, I'd like to send it from WhatsApp and a language exchange site.) But she doesn't seem to want to see my message at all. I'm worried. I have a lot of questions.


yesterday 6/6 I saw her Instagram resurrected. But I saw it blocking one of my two fake accounts. I used this one to see accounts with similar names to her account and her followers. this account's name is a little similar my original account. now I'm so shocked and ashamed because of stalking her social media. I regret a lot.

Did she find out about my fake account? If so, how did she notice?
( I don't think I've seen the their story).
Am I completely disliked by her?

[Jabiru]

Hi mfdlv321

It sounds like she knows you're available. At this point, I would recommend to give her time to think. She may reply, she may not. Take a break and do something you enjoy. Maybe a walk in the park or the movies.

[mfdlv321]

Arigato-gozaimasu (Thank you) for your reply, Jabiru! 
 I agree. I'm afraid to do anything now because everything I do can backfired. I would like to continue NC for a while.

May I ask you a question? What does Blocking and Ignoring mean for BPD people?
Is she wary of me and hates me? (Because she blocked even my fake account...)
Or like Avoidant, is it  to escape the awkwardness and pressure? i don't understand why she ignores me instead of blocking me on Whatsapp.
Is it to ''keep'' me just in case?

[Jabiru]

It's hard to know the answer. People with BPD often are afraid of being abandoned so they'll leave a relationship to avoid the risk of being abandoned. Sometimes people just need time to digest their feelings, which can be hard for people with BPD and their emotional sensitivity.

It's probably best to take care of your own mental health and wash away any anxiety. Hope that helps.

[mfdlv321]

Thank you Jabiru. That's what I don't really understand. Rather It was her who was less passionate for this relationship, and it was me who maintained a relationship and showed a alot affection . Therefore, I cannot understand the ''anxiety of being abandoned''.
I sometimes honestly told her that I had some female friends to chat with. Maybe it wasn't good.