BPD wife beating own head while rolling on floor

[martyme]

Hi,
I'm a 31-year old married man with two kids. Love to hear advice how to help my BPD wife avoid extreme mood swings and seemingly changing attitudes towards me. Or if I'm expecting the impossible. 

Background

My BPD wife and I were both relatively young at the time of our marriage  (myself 23 and wife 21) and had only dated for 2 months before engagement. We are from similar religious backgrounds and hadn't been physically intimate with each other or anyone else prior to our marriage.) We've now been married 8 years and have two beautiful kids together (2 and 4 yrs old).

My wife is an excellent Mum and has excelled in her teaching career but always has little belief in her abilities and needs regular reassurance from colleagues/friends/me that her lessons/appearance/cooking/decisions etc are good.

She throws herself wholeheartedly into any project, including to selflessly support me with my work-related/personal goals such as studying for professional exams. (She'll insist on supporting me with study by looking after kids in evenings, weekends close to exam time but she will then often resent her support when exhausted at the end of the day, and will be in a raging mood if I fail the exam, even narrowly :-)

Psychiatrist and therapy during our early marriage

Almost immediately after our marriage my wife started saying that she found me unattractive (this later upgraded to 'repulsive'). When I asked her to be specific, she says its primarily my hair (the position of my parting, size of my hair fringe etc -I have a classic/regular side part haircut) and later she'd say also minor details such as the watch or belt I'm wearing.  But then a week later I can be wearing the same clothes and haircut and she'll comment on how attractive I look. Similarly, one day, I'm the 'most supportive, loving husband' and yet the next day, she's certain she married the wrong person and I'm a 'thoughtless boring companion with nothing to like'. Typically she'll become angry while telling me her negative thoughts about me and  if its late at night and I don’t seem to be paying enough attention, she'll eventually roll on the floor in frustration beating her own head before eventually calming down when she sees my shocked reaction.

After giving her a choice between seeking help and divorce, she agreed to see a psychiatrist who ruled out bipolar and recommended behavioural marital therapy for us, attributing our challenges to my wife's desire for a dominant husband like her father. We then took Individual and couples therapy for 2 years which helped my wife learn to control her anger, gave us tools to communicate better about these issues,  and motivated us to take more holidays/ 'date nights' together to build our relationship. And through my own therapy, I become far better at taking her comments less personally and becoming less of a people pleaser (but I have no desire to be as dominant as her father :-).

Since stopping all of our therapies, I've also identified that her negative views/moods are heavily influenced by triggers such as insufficient sleep, going through stressful times, or spending time with men she sees as attractive or other couples who seem madly in love. Naturally she won't admit that her attitudes/moods can drastically change but it's really hard for me to not know if wife fully loves me deep down and is attracted to me. And the resultant limited sex life is a source of frustration to me. (I've communicated this frustration many times to her and while she validates and acknowledges my frustration at the time we discuss, and insists she loves me etc we're always only a few hours/days/weeks away from the next 'unattractive/repulsive/boring' round of comments/mood swings.)

Request for help after re-occurrence this past weekend

I've been guilty of avoiding our key issues over last few years since we've been busy with the kids, flat move, professional exams etc. But this weekend for the first time in years, my wife again rolled on the floor in frustration beating her own head. It followed the usual round of boring/unattractive comments and insufficient sleep for both of us. And it's forced me to reach out to you for help/ any advice as there must be a way to better our relationship and further reduce the instances of moods/changing attitudes for both our sakes. (Know articles on this forum and many BPD-related books recommend setting boundaries -but unsure how to apply them in this context).

My wife currently won't consider restarting individual or couples therapy (since 'they won't help') and hasn’t offered any solution to our challenges. I suspect deep down she fears opening up again to a counselor/ challenge of a divorce and so prefers to ignore our issues.)

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[Jabiru]

Hi martyme It's great that you're looking to improve things.

When your wife beats her head, is it forceful enough to cause damage / self-harm?

For boundaries, you could start with a small one to gain some confidence and then try bigger ones. Maybe negative comments about each other. When she starts insulting you (e.g. your appearance), ask her to stop or say you'll leave the room. If she continues insulting you, simply exit the room. No need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). With boundaries, you need to be consistent or they won't work. They're things you do to protect yourself, not to control others. When you start making boundaries, the boat will rock but it will eventually steady.

What are your thoughts?

[martyme]

When your wife beats her head, is it forceful enough to cause damage / self-harm?

its basically pummelling her forehead with her fists and pulling at her hair -so probably not forceful enough to cause damage / self-harm but certainly looks dramatic. (She similarly would jump into a car and say she's going to purposefully crash it)

Thanks very much for your fast reply and the starting idea of a relevant boundary. If after I've exited the room following her negative comment, my wife acts similarly (angrily pummeling her head etc) - would i just leave her to it and trust she'll eventually calm down or would i go back and show empathy for her mood (without JADE)? 

[Rev]

 If after I've exited the room following her negative comment, my wife acts similarly (angrily pummeling her head etc) - would i just leave her to it and trust she'll eventually calm down or would i go back and show empathy for her mood (without JADE)? 

Hey there ...

I think your focus on the issue might benefit from a slightly different perspective.

Your question demands answers to many unknowns. How could one possibly discern everything that might be happening in another person who is entering into a moment of dissociation?  That's what self harm is - dissociation.

Basic intervention in crisis moments like this dictate that you remove yourself from the situation so that you are safe. You get everyone else that may be in harms way, out of the situation. You DO NOT return until it is SAFE for YOU.  In the meantime, you prepare yourself to deal with what you find when you get there.

If there is a real chance that she is a danger to herself, you call the paramedics and have them intervene.

In the meantime, I have empathy with how emotionally charged and draining this may be for you. Were, may I ask, are you going to resource your energy? 

Hope this helps.

Rev

[15years]

 

What an articulate introduction to your situation, I hope to see more of you here. Being active on this forum for 7 months now has certainly helped me even though I'm still desperate.

I'm also 31 years old with two young children.

[15years]

You really have a chance to practice not taking things personally. In my opinion, her saying you are unattractive and boring doesn't mean much. It sounds to me that you are beginning to realize that you don't have to take it too personally. But either way, it could make you feel sad and disrespected. You don't have to listen to it.

What are your own thought about her wanting a more dominant husband? My theory about this, from my own experience, is that she is triggered by doubt and insecurity in you. Playing the role of a dominant husband could be a dangerous game, but I hear that you are not considering this. I think assertiveness could be a win-win, but I don't know very much about that to be honest.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thanks very much for your fast reply and the starting idea of a relevant boundary. If after I've exited the room following her negative comment, my wife acts similarly (angrily pummeling her head etc) - would i just leave her to it and trust she'll eventually calm down or would i go back and show empathy for her mood (without JADE)?  

I might be off base here, but this reminds me of my daughter's tantrum when she was two... The more attention I gave during those tantrums, the more tantrums I would get and the more intense she would become during those tantrums. With time, I decided, when she was having her tantrums to :
1) make sure there was nothing dangerous around her that could fall on her, etc.
2) tell her: I love you but this is no way to behave, whenever you are ready to use your words, come see me.
3) leave the door open and exit to another room, telling her she was welcome to join me whenever she was back in control of her emotions.
4) go over what happened when she was calm, how she felt, what triggered it, etc.
5) if the talk generate another tantrum : rince and repeat previous steps. And it drastically modified her behaviors, in just a few days.

I wonder if your wife display of emotions are not some kind of emotional developmental arrest, more than dissociative self-harm. I don't think staying there and being empathetic to this kind of behavior will serve either of you, in the long run, as it comes down to reinforcing and validating the behavior.

When I was calm and assertive with my BPD mother was when it was usually easier to manage her (and it takes me a lot of energy to be calm and assertive with her by the way, not an easy feat at all)... I find seeing her as a grown up toddler helps explains the behavior and also why the tools work... Not being mean or judgmental here but it is true.

With a toddler ; you do not justify yourself, you impose limits for their safety and also to protect them from your own grown-up anger. If you let a child do something you dislike, you will resent them, and a grown adult resenting a child is dangerous so : you set loving limits.

You do not overexplain, anyway they don't have the cognitive ability to understand long explanation. We keep it very simple and clear.

Expectations also need to be very clear with toddlers. If you do this : I will do that. And we have to remain consistent and fair in the consequences.

We don't justify, defend, argue or explain : we are assertive and calm.

And above all : we do not validate the behaviors that are unacceptable.

[Rev]

1) make sure there was nothing dangerous around her that could fall on her, etc.
2) tell her: I love you but this is no way to behave, whenever you are ready to use your words, come see me.
3) leave the door open and exit to another room, telling her she was welcome to join me whenever she was back in control of her emotions.
4) go over what happened when she was calm, how she felt, what triggered it, etc.
5) if the talk generate another tantrum : rince and repeat previous steps. And it drastically modified her behaviors, in just a few days.

These are interesting steps - and I would suggest that they would work well in a parent /child relationship - regardless of who is the pwBPD in that scenario and regardless of the age of the two people.

Transaction analysis dictates that they would be a less than ideal between spouses.

Just a tought.

Rev.

[Riv3rW0lf]

These are interesting steps - and I would suggest that they would work well in a parent /child relationship - regardless of who is the pwBPD in that scenario and regardless of the age of the two people.

Transaction analysis dictates that they would be a less than ideal between spouses.

Just a tought.

Rev.

I agree, but then her psychiatrist said she is looking for an authoritative father figure in her husband, maybe it is worth a try. I have seen posts about pwBPD having emotional outbursts but this just sounds more like a "toddler tantrum" to me, a cry for attention. I might be off base here, of course. I'm not there to assess the actual scene...

[Cat Familiar]

My husband had two episodes I observed where he hit himself in the head with his fists while shrieking, “You like this! You hate me!”

Even though I had a BPD mother and an abusive first husband with BPD, this was a completely new behavior and I was horrified.

I agree with the others that it serves no purpose to give that behavior any attention, otherwise you are reinforcing it. You might simply say, “I’m really uncomfortable right now. I’ll be back in a half an hour (the minimal amount of time it might take for her amygdala to calm down).”

A typical deficit that people with BPD (pwBPD) have is the lack of self-soothing behavior, and this acting out that you witnessed sounds like something she might have done in childhood. It seems that pwBPD can prefer physical pain to emotional pain. In any event, it’s not healthy for her to do, nor for you to witness. And if you’re not there to observe, it will give her a chance to wind down and practice self-soothing.

Regarding her psychiatrist saying “she is looking for an authoritative father figure in her husband” perhaps you can think of this rather than being *authoritarian* you can be *decisive*.  PwBPD have such flimsy self-identities that if their partners seem too malleable, that can trigger their insecurities and they will think that their partners are weak.

I’ve been through this as I can be indecisive about lots of minor issues such as what I want for dinner—doesn’t matter, whatever someone else wants is usually fine with me. Big issues—I’ve got strong opinions. So I’ve been accused of being wishywashy, when either I don’t care about the issue or I’d like to be agreeable. Ironically, my being *accommodating* has caused disagreements. Once I became aware of that, I try to force myself to make a decision. It works out a lot better that way.

[martyme]

How could one possibly discern everything that might be happening in another person who is entering into a moment of dissociation?  That's what self harm is - dissociation.

In the meantime, I have empathy with how emotionally charged and draining this may be for you. Were, may I ask, are you going to resource your energy? 
Rev

Thanks Rev for your comments. Presume you mean that causing herself physical pain shows that her mind has disassociated herself from her body? If so, how does she or anyone in a mad rage/childish tantrum eventually calm down -grateful for a good link/way to find out more about  disassociation. Although for the moment, i'm focussing on deisiveness and assertiveness to set boundaries and reduce chance of wife reaching that state in the first place.

And with energy resource  -i enjoy the good/calm times with wife and endeavouring to establish many fun activities or other distractions in my life during the bad times. Plus this board/private messages with other users has been a huge source of support.

[martyme]

You might simply say, “I’m really uncomfortable right now. I’ll be back in a half an hour (the minimal amount of time it might take for her amygdala to calm down).”

Aperhaps you can think of this rather than being *authoritarian* you can be *decisive*.  PwBPD have such flimsy self-identities that if their partners seem too malleable, that can trigger their insecurities and they will think that their partners are weak...I try to force myself to make a decision. It works out a lot better that way.

Thanks so much Cat Familiar and Riv3r W0lf for helpful advice :-) The tantrum analogy seems right, especially since immediately once she's calmed down, she acts like a scared child during a thunderstorm, looking for adult reassurance that everything will be ok, (rather than her critiical self, before the tantrum)

And decisive point rings true (and seems fairly easy to work on) since she has entered a rage when i've been indecisive in past (about things i see as unimportant like shopping/clothes).