Advice regarding helping my teenage son with my BPD hubs

[johnsang]

I really want some insight into this dynamic.  For many reasons, including I'm learning how to be less co-dependent, so less affected by my husband's dysfunctional interactions, my BPD husband seems to be honing in on my almost 16 year old son.

Last night, we were all sitting around our dining room table, and my husband starts going to town on criticizing our son - "put a shirt on" "why are your shorts so low" and other comments about his appearance.  A tirade for about 2 or 3 minutes went on about his appearance.  Son responded "what's your problem, dad?"  My hubs has also told our son that he will never be "ripped" (in regards to muscle).  Our son is very strong and will be ripped - he has been working out for about 2 months almost every day and making amazing progress, despite his father's comments.

It appears my husband is threatened by our growing son's strength and commitment to exercise.

But here is my question: how should I respond to these negative comments when they are being stated right there in front of me?  Last night - I just sat there and let the tirade unfold.  If I counter what my hubs is saying, that just brings on a fight.  I talked privately to my son later that night saying that I HEAR all these comments, and I want HIM to know that I'm there for him - but trying not to poke the bear basically - and he says "mom, don't worry - I can handle dad".

After my talk with my son, however, I didn't feel good about just being a passive bystander while he is being verbally critized and attacked - I've been reading co-dependent no more (not through it yet) and the first tool given in the book is detachment - co-dependents apparently tend to be very reactionary.  I'm wondering if my son and I could have a plan in place of when these comments come his way, we have some sort of code word to each other about not reacting - or something like that. 

What do you think?  Any suggestions will be very helpful.  I'm very concerned for my son's wellbeing, but he appears to be handling it quite well.

[BigOof]

Comments like

You will never be "ripped"

will likely motivate your son more. I would encourage your son to prove pwBPD wrong.

Around the same age, my father told me I could never get a job doing X. 5-6 years later I was doing X and the youngest to ever join the group.

[johnsang]

Emphatically, my son actually says he is motivated and will actually show hubs to be incorrect.  He is highly motivated, and this could indeed be more fuel for his fire!

[Turkish]

I'm the only child of a single mother with BPD and as I started becoming a man, I was threatening in a different way.

It's great that your son is honest with you and that you talked to him. As a man formerly a boy, I understand his reaction. Yet I also wished that I'd had an advocate.

Can you just be blunt and tell your husband, "knock it off!"?

My ex told me to "handle" her this way, but I could never bring myself to do it.

Well, there was one time when our then 3 year old son was bouncing in the hallway and she told him to STFU. I told her that was unacceptable and pointed her to go to her room. She did. It blew my away that it worked, but sometimes people need to be shocked into perspective.

[ForeverDad]

Last night - I just sat there and let the tirade unfold.

My response is similar to Turkish.  "Knock it off" is better then anything I could have come up with.  One reason you're speechless is that you're caught off guard and in the moment you don't have an opportunity to come up with an appropriate comment and only minutes later or hours later maybe come up with a response.  We've all been there.

You did really well by later discussing it with your son.  Though there was invalidation during the incident (silence, this time) you validated with a private discussion later.

[GaGrl]

"Stop. Just stop now."

Then be ready to deal with comes next.

It could be compliance. "Yes, I will stop." (Usually a reaction to a strong position.)

Or...it could result in an explosion ("extinction burst").

You must be ready for either.